Being Disowned

[EvaHeart]

Hey guys,

I told my parents that I'm MTF and they effectively disowned me. They said they wouldn't pay for college, I am being selfish for putting my gender issues on them, and I'm probably going to be kicked out of the house in two weeks when I graduate high school. They will most likely stop paying for therapy as well.

In their mind, I've ruined what they expected of me, any chance of having kids, and completely destroyed my future. I realize that this might just be their initial reactions, but it still hurts a hell of a lot.

I could use some advice, anything will do.

[Darkie]

*Hugs* Even thought I can't do anything from here, just want you to know you aren't alone and I have a shoulder open if you need someone to vent to.

[Ltl89]

I'm really sorry to hear this.

Is it possible that they are just reacting out of anger?  Some parents try to push their kids "back in line" with threats.  The more they start to see this is indeed a reality they may come around.  While a lot of parents make threats, most wouldn't or couldn't hurt their children.  Some need time to adjust.

Whatever the case is, I'm sorry that they are reacting this way. 

[EvaHeart]

I got most out already, my pillow will never be the same. But they mainly think that it's not an important issue and that I should just suppress and forget about "being a girl" and focus on studying and education.

They practically denied that trans people exist

@learningtolive
Yes it is possible, and I hope with every fiber of my being that it is just an over reaction as my parents are prone to do.

[Ltl89]

I suspect my parents will be the same way.  I plan on going to grad school soon, so I can see my parents saying that I'll be throwing my career and dreams away.  The fact is that you can easily still continue your education while transitioning.  Transitioning isn't an end, it's a beginning.  Why should transitioning mean you won't continue your studies or follow your dreams?  Make sure your parents understand this because sometimes people have some strange ideas about what being transgender means.  Just because you transition doesn't mean you can't have a normal and productive life like everyone else.  Try to explain this to them and show them some success stories.  Also, you have to make them understand that it is an important issue.  Perhaps it's not for them, but if it is for you, then you will have to show it and get it through to them.  Wishing you lots of luck.

[EvaHeart]

Thanks, I appreciate the speedy replies.

I've tried to explain a lot of this already to them: I can still be successful in college and life while transitioning and being a woman, but both of them, my dad especially, refuse to listen or budge on the subject.

About an hour ago, we had a family "discussion" that ended in my dad saying that it wasn't a discussion at all and he was never really listening to what I had to say.

I will try and find some success stories, hopefully that may break their armored shells a little.

[Ltl89]

If you are looking for success stories, I believe Dr. Lynn Conway has some on her site.  In fact, she is quite an impressive successful person herself. 

[VenomGaia]

I got most out already, my pillow will never be the same. But they mainly think that it's not an important issue and that I should just suppress and forget about "being a girl" and focus on studying and education.

That education thing reminds me a lot about what my dad said to me not even a few hours ago...
That exact parental reaction is what I'm afraid of, I am so sincerely sorry that it had to happen to you. I think that they are wrong about supressing it. As I've learned through my own experience 9and, of course, advice from people here on the forum), supressing it can lead to very bad, bad psychological issues later on in life. I'm glad you haven't tried to supress it (as far as I can see, anyway).

I agree with learningtolive that could be that anger phase in the phases of Grief. I can't say that they'll get over it, there are always families that can't. But, that doesn't mean you should let your head hang low. You should be proud that you even managed to come out to your parents.
I don't have any other advice, but you know that everyone here on the forums will do what they can to help you.

I hope things work out for you.

[wolfduality]

Well, it is certainly harder since you are still in high school (and a minor?). It's a tough thing for everyone and I do hope you the best.

One of the things that parents have to "get over" is their perception of what they planned for you to be. Yes, you may still go to college and become a productive member of society but to them it's not the same. It's hard to grasp this line of thinking, I mean, you are still you, just a different gender. However, it seems some people have a harder time overcoming this.

Now I don't know how you are personality wise, but when my mother caught some news about my former husband/now wife becoming a woman. She WANTED me to react. She wanted me to be upset and scream/yell about everything. I didn't. I just calmly stated that she and I will stay married despite this drastic change. When she realized she couldn't get a rise out of me, she backed off. I didn't talk about it and eventually, she learned to "deal" with it.

I would advise you to start preparing yourself for the worse though I wouldn't start packing the bags, just start squirreling away money and avoid confrontations. You don't have to hide who you are but walk away when they try to argue/fight about it. I do wish you the best and hope this ends better for you.

(Even if you parents decide to pay for your college, will they hold it over your head in some way?)

[EvaHeart]

@VenomGaia
Agree that suppressing my identity is a bad idea. I've been trying to do it for the last few years and it ended up tanking my grades and my relationship with my parents.

@wolfduality
No, I am not a minor. I can understand purely on an intellectual level (not emotional) what they must feel. The way my Dad put it is that when I was born, "he signed up" to be a parent of a male child.

Good advice elsewhere, I will take you up on that. Also, thanks for sharing your story, it was helpful to read.

(They may very well hold it over me, saying something like, "I don't want to hear any of this gender nonsense or your out of that school   )

[RomulusBC]

Give them time to come around. It's a big upset to learn that you're child doesn't want to be what they raised the entire time. I don't understand how you can disown your own child like that but I can comprehend if you know what I mean. I would be devastated if my parents did that, seeing as how I haven't told mine yet, but I'm sure initial reactions will differ over time. Best of luck to your future and I'm here if you need someone to speak to.

[V M]

Hugs Eva     

Welcome to Susan's     I know what it's like to be disowned and un-cared for, yes it hurts     Remember, you've got a very large family full of wonderful people who care here

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Hugs

V M

[justpat]

  The vast majority of people have no clue what it is much less the fact that it does not just go away.
It is something that is always with you I know I have hid, denied,etc. with it for 63 years and now after a meltdown and total acknowledgement I feel FREE for once in my life.
You will always be who you are your cover will change and you will definitely feel better but you are you just a kinder ,softer and more nurturing version.

[suzifrommd]

One thing to try: Keep it simple. Work on one-line statements that are easy to understand. Repeat them often - people find it harder to reject ideas if they hear them multiple times. Try frequently reminding them that:

* Transgender is not something we choose.

* It typically doesn't go away on its own.

* No one has ever come up with a way to "cure" it.

* It is serious. Untreated, it can lead to depression and suicide.

* The only standard medical treatment is to transition to living as your internal gender.

Don't know if it will work, but it is worth a try. Good luck, Eva.

[Rinzler]

I'm so deeply sorry that your parents reacted so harshly and so unfairly to you coming out as transgender to them, Eva! Although I can understand that it must be hard for a parent to come to terms with the fact that their child is not happy in the body they were born in, there is absolutely no excuse for the extreme reaction and threats you received from your parents!

As wolfduality said, it'd be good to try and start saving up money just in case (you could also start researching the different types of scholarships, grants, and loans available for undergrad, as well as look into the dorms, meal plans, and work-study programs at whatever college/s you're interested in), but don't give up on your parents just yet! If you don't mind my asking, what has your relationship with your parents been like up until this point? Because most parents, no matter how much they disapproved of their child's choices, wouldn't really do anything to hurt or neglect their child. If your parents have generally been supportive of you up until now and are generally just prone to over reactions like you said, then hopefully they are just shocked and angry and making empty threats to try to push you "back in line" as learningtolive said. And if that's the case, there's a chance that they might begrudgingly come around.

I really hope things turn around and that your parents change their minds! Whatever happens, we're all here for you if you need to talk!

[Elle16]

Eva, I can understand what you are going through, I've recently told my parents that I'm transgender - my mum is fine with it, has been a huge support and knows this is what I want. Same with my brother.
My dad on the other hand seems to be going through that denial phase - like not understanding how this has affected me or my ability to express my true self.  I have no relationship with him, I don't think I ever have...

It's caused me to have doubts yet I keep on going with my transition - and inside you know this is right for you, for you to be happy in yourself you need to be as honest and open as possible. Transitioning isn't an easy road, maybe your family will come to accept you in time and learn this is the person you should have been all along. It's hard for them to understand what's been going on for you and how much you want to 'be a girl'. Talking about it openly and honestly will be a huge step forward - there is of course embarrassment and awkwardness at first but in time you might find things change and so your parents might accept the person you are inside too.

Wishing you all the luck xx

[FTMDiaries]

No, I am not a minor. I can understand purely on an intellectual level (not emotional) what they must feel. The way my Dad put it is that when I was born, "he signed up" to be a parent of a male child.

Did you sign up to be a male child? Did anybody bother to ask you who you were before they presumed to decide all sorts of things on your behalf? No. So your dad hasn't 'signed up' to anything, because the other party to the 'contract' never agreed to the deal. He needs to realise that fact and it will take some time for him to come to terms with it.

Your dad probably thinks that your birth certificate is kind-of like a sales receipt: it says on there that he has a male child and by golly, that's what he's going to get. But your birth certificate is really just a snapshot in time. It also says on there that you weigh - what? - 8 pounds? Is that still true? Heck, mine lists my father's occupation as 'Apprentice'; he's fully qualified and has owned his own business for about 25 years now. So a couple of things have changed since I was born.

I hope your folks come round. Please do yourself a favour and familiarise yourself with the stages of grief, because that's what your parents are going through now. They're not grieving for you as a person, they're grieving for the loss of their idealised image of who they wanted you to be. If you know about the various stages, it'll help you cope with them as they crop up.

[EvaHeart]

Thanks again everyone, your comments help a ton.

@suzifrommd - thank you for listing these statements. While my Dad (and possibly Mom) will not listen to me when I talk about being a girl, perhaps if they hear these certain things enough, it might break through to them.

@Rinzler - I have started to save up money and look into an extra job. To answer your question: Yes, for most of my life my parents have been totally loving and supporting in their own ways. Recently however, as I've been exploring who I am to myself, they have become increasingly disappointed and angry with me. Because of the massive amounts of denial and distraction I've put into not admitting that I was a girl, my grades and life tanked pretty hard. They view my coming out as a culmination to the "Nonesense, lies, and excuses" I make.

@FTMDiaries - Your first sentence made me laugh quite hard; you're right! This is something I know I will keep in mind.

[Northern Jane]

I went through it all in the 1950s and 1960s and my parents fought it every step of the way but I never gave up!

I had to pay my own way through college and I did okay for awhile but crashed and burned in my final year due to the dysphoria.

When SRS became possible at age 24 (1974) it was the final straw and I was disowned and banished from my home town. But I had surgery and built a new life elsewhere.

In almost 40 years there have been tough times but I have always come out on top because I AM me and can face the hard times without having to deal with the dysphoria.

I always hoped my parents would come around but my mother never did so I only saw them twice after transition.

Sure, I wish SRS/transition hadn't cost me as much as it did but I still have no regrets. I did what I HAD to do!

[Shantel]

I went through it all in the 1950s and 1960s and my parents fought it every step of the way but I never gave up!

I had to pay my own way through college and I did okay for awhile but crashed and burned in my final year due to the dysphoria.

When SRS became possible at age 24 (1974) it was the final straw and I was disowned and banished from my home town. But I had surgery and built a new life elsewhere.

In almost 40 years there have been tough times but I have always come out on top because I AM me and can face the hard times without having to deal with the dysphoria.

I always hoped my parents would come around but my mother never did so I only saw them twice after transition.

Sure, I wish SRS/transition hadn't cost me as much as it did but I still have no regrets. I did what I HAD to do!

Hi Jane,
      I remember you from way back, I posted under a different name back then and remember a few that have since passed away. Let me say that I appreciate the fact that you didn't soft peddle the potential realities and crushing truth about the road ahead. I always like to be caring and supportive but it's only right and fair that we are open and honest for the sake of these young folks. Thanks for your personal testimony, I know there is still a twinge of pain for you as you were relating it, but bottom line for the OP and others looking in is to count the cost in terms of potential familial carnage as well as financial feasibility before jumping in with both feet. For some of us there is no other option but to move ahead come what may.