My Ma's Request Over My Fuddy Duddy Daddy

[Misato]

I get an e-mail from my mom asking me if I'd like to have a party so people can ask me questions about transition and we can otherwise celebrate things.  I'm thinking great!  I also got to thinking right away it would be a wonderful excuse to wear a fancy dress.  Maybe a tiara...

BUT!

Later she e-mails me again saying, "I was thinking with your dad having such a hard time with this may be IF we have a party you might want to go easy on him the first time with your outfit."

My reply was no.  He needs to be an adult (for once).  If my being trans makes him uncomfortable that's his problem, not mine.  The rub is I do care about my mom.  She's all right.  Just even long before I came out my dad was such a negative, button-pushing-to-make-you-irate, perpetual victim in life... as his child I never got much out of the relationship.  He was very needy and, well, not much of a father.  So now with him being such a poop I really don't care to oblige him (He's said I'm dead to him, asked me when I was going to get dumped by my SO, when I was going to lose my job [I had an interview for my dream job on Friday.  Probably won't get it but hey, I GOT the interview after coming out!  He was a poop about this too.]).  But then there is my mom...

Any one else deal with anything similar?  I wouldn't change how I handle a situation for anyone else in my life save for maybe my SO, but that'd be my choice I'd make for our relationship and I might say no even then.  Do parents/family warrant a special case or special handling?  If so, why?  Giving in to my mother's request feels like a step back for me so, even though it's for her, I don't want to do it.  And what does go easy mean anyway?  Go all androgynous?  I guess those last two questions are me wondering to myself.

Anyway all ya'lls thoughts will be appreciated though one important thing I should add: I learned years ago my dad has gender related conflict in him too.  I guess I care enough about him that I won't go into the details here, but, it is there and I suspect in play.

[Tiffanie]

I have not yet dealt with anyone like that.

My father passed away many years ago, and well before I started my transition.  When I was younger he called me an effeminate queer ... I can't imagine what he would say if he were alive today.

[Misato]

I wasn't going to post back yet but your post Tiffanie reminded me that my dad called me "meathead" all the time.

[Naomi]

So I'm not really doing anything much right now but my mom keeps making requests of me to hold back on things if I come home and wants me to give her and my dad a heads up if I'm going to wear something girly around the house. Along with that she keeps reminding me about how I need to be normal for my cousin's wedding next month, I don't know how many times I can tell her that I'm not even going to look that different by then. I'm not even on HRT yet. I get where she's coming from with not being in your face about things and respecting other people but at the same time I feel like it's like applying a band-aid to a wound requiring stitches. I'm just having a really hard time having sympathy for my relatives on whether or not I will bother them when I can barely handle living the way that I currently am.

[Ltl89]

If I was in your position and my mother responded to me with that, I would respond with "okay, I guess I will go easy on him and won't wear my mini skirt, hooker boots and fishnet stockings",lol.  But I love being sarcastic with my family when I get annoyed.

Seriously, you have been full time for a while, correct?  It's not like this is the first time he's heard about your transition.   If that is is the case, there is no reason for you to feel that you have to reel yourself back into a closet.  Your dad is just going to have to man up and accept that you are you.  While you should treat your parents with respect, you can't live a lie. 

[TheLance]

I personally never respond well to someone asking me to not be me for someone else's sake. Actually I tend to do the opposite. Luckily my family figured that out when I was a lot younger and gave up on trying to change me because then my reaction would be to push them away.

[Joanna Dark]

...I get where she's coming from with not being in your face about things and respecting other people...

I know what you are saying but at the same time is being honest about yourself so selfish?

Paige, maybe just not wear a dress. Wearing jeans and a cute top isn't androgynous. It's just casual. My parents are on the same team when it comes to me: they hate how I am. You're in a different situation though as I had to move back in with my parents so I dress androgynous. Female androgynous as my clothes are all women's clothes. I guess if I was in that situation that's what I would do but at the same time if it is a party for your transition you should wear what you want. That is one of the salient points of transition.

[Naomi]

I know what you are saying but at the same time is being honest about yourself so selfish?

Paige, maybe just not wear a dress. Wearing jeans and a cute top isn't androgynous. It's just casual. My parents are on the same team when it comes to me: they hate how I am. You're in a different situation though as I had to move back in with my parents so I dress androgynous. Female androgynous as my clothes are all women's clothes. I guess if I was in that situation that's what I would do but at the same time if it is a party for your transition you should wear what you want. That is one of the salient points of transition.

_{Hence my anger and frustration, and difficult time with sympathy}

+ to that advice.

[Heather]

I think your mom might have a point. I know you and your dad have not gotten along but the fact that he will come to your party is a sign he maybe starting to come around. I know what he did was childish but you have the chance to him the woman you are becoming. I know what he has done has hurt you greatly but he is your dad and you could probably give him a chance to come around in his own time. Just remember it took you years to come to grips with who you are it could take him years too. Paige I hope everything works out between you and your dad I know its difficult dealing with parents but you would be surprised how much a parent who was so against you being trans can change. I learned that first hand with my parents. Anyways have a great party and really do hope your dad comes around.

[Misato]

I want to embrace this:

Seriously, you have been full time for a while, correct?  It's not like this is the first time he's heard about your transition.   If that is is the case, there is no reason for you to feel that you have to reel yourself back into a closet.  Your dad is just going to have to man up and accept that you are you.  While you should treat your parents with respect, you can't live a lie. 

Yet I understand this:

Paige, maybe just not wear a dress. Wearing jeans and a cute top isn't androgynous. It's just casual. My parents are on the same team when it comes to me: they hate how I am.

Casual describes my weekend attire which is what I probably would have went with anyway had I not had the idea to have some fun.  Just, when I go real casual I get sirred and this shindig idea, as you noted but I edited from the quote, is for me and a number of other people.  I'd rather them see me at my best.

I just sent a message off asking what my mom meant by, "Go easy on him."  Still, I'm starting to think it would be a better idea to forget the endeavor.  It's not even a real thing and we have to plan to tip toe around my old man.  If my relatives want to know more about me, they can hit me up on FB or e-mail.  While it would be nice to have a celebration, I don't see why I/we should accommodate someone whose threatened to knock the lights out of my car.

In an ideal world my mom would divorce him.  I remember when I was a kid she threatened divorce and it made me so happy I started packing my things.  I think I cried when I was told they were staying together.

I really don't like this man and I never have.  Somehow his violent reaction to my transition and his negativity toward the company I interviewed with has after everything else finally manged to break my care to have him back in my life.  Why is that a bad thing?  Just my mom is involved and I do care about her and she cares about him for reasons I've never understood.  And why does this have to unfold now?  I'm going to get turned down for my dream job Monday or Tuesday then I gotta fly out (Maybe?) for another interview where I'll have another 5-6 hour marathon interview session with lots and lots of whiteboard coding for me to try really hard but---  Even if I get that job then I'll have to move and lose my therapist and the friends I've started to make here in a place I feel connected to for the first time in my life.  Unless turn down the company I've been trying to get into for 13 years and who would make my resume sparkle more and instead stay where I'd have to play activist to get equal treatment.

I. Don't. Need. All. This. Now.

Good thing I have a therapy appointment tomorrow.  I'm clearly really bothered by all this plus the insurance mess of the last two months.  Come to think of it, I'm not even sure if I'm insured today!  The parent company of my old employer is taking over the COBRA responsibility because as of the 1st my former employer doesn't exist anymore, or at least that's why my insurance rep has told me but I haven't seen any paperwork yet.  And I'm moving at the end of the month so I'll be needing that security deposit and adding in a surprise health plan... I'm sure I'd make the numbers work, but it's always stressful when I have to do that...

Oh well, I did get some nice photos of trains while railfanning today.  And a lot of exercise.  Those are good things.  Hopefully I can build on that.  And I was doing some new-to-me iOS stuff on Thursday at work.  So at least my first task tomorrow should be some fun.

[Joanna Dark]

OMG Paige I am so so sorry about your dad. I did not realize it was that bad. Maybe if you have the shindig at a later date he could just not be there. The idea does sound really sweet and your mom's heart is definitely in the right place but I totally agree you should dress how ever you want as the party would be about you and your transition so obviously you should dress your best. And I think you look great BTW and I love your style. It's so cute and sophisticated. You have the whole career woman thing totally going for you. It's awesome. You should be really proud. I am proud of you.

I really hope you get the job too. I need a better job. I have really good resume too but unfortunately I am in publishing and have spent most of my career as a magazine editor, which isn't exactly a booming field and pretty hard to break into in the first place.

[FTMDiaries]

If this party does go ahead, and its purpose is to formally 'out' you to your family & give them an opportunity to ask you about your transition... don't you think it would seem odd if you didn't present as yourself? After all, your family will be expecting you to turn up looking feminine and it would seem strange if you don't. Personally, I think the party sounds like a lovely idea.

Perhaps a good compromise would be to wear the sort of clothing you would wear to those job interviews you're attending. Your mother is probably worried that your dad will react badly if you go hyper-feminine, but perhaps something smart & ladylike would fit the bill. Or perhaps you could just say "stuff him; this is my life" and glam it up to the max.

Good luck with those interviews.

[Misato]

I think you look great BTW and I love your style. It's so cute and sophisticated. You have the whole career woman thing totally going for you. It's awesome. You should be really proud. I am proud of you.

This made me smile at a time I really needed to.  Thanks!

[Misato]

You clearly have a lot of hurt feelings regarding your father. I think she means to try and put that aside for this party, not let it get in the way.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's what she wants.

It seems your mother is trying her best to be the peacemaker and it appears she has two stubborn loved ones tugging her into pieces.

That's what she's known to do.  She endures and wades through problems instead of confronting them.

I think you have to ask yourself whether you want to be right, or do you want to help your mother heal this and move it forward?

It isn't about being right.  It's about being asked to change myself to suit someone else.  I've got nothing to be ashamed of or to apologize for.  It's his problem and I don't need him in my life.

I think her idea of a get together was a wonderful idea. Hope things work out.

I think it's a wonderful idea too.  But now doesn't look to be the right time.  This hits too close to home like when I didn't wear a skirt suit I bought last year for interviews because my interviewers might be uncomfortable.  It took me a long time to stop thinking that way and it really improved my self-esteem when I did stop.

Perhaps a good compromise would be to wear the sort of clothing you would wear to those job interviews you're attending.

She wants me in pants.  For the interviews, I'm in a skirt and heels.

I have really good resume too but unfortunately I am in publishing and have spent most of my career as a magazine editor, which isn't exactly a booming field and pretty hard to break into in the first place.

Good luck Joanna!

[Ltl89]

There is nothing wrong about wearing pants.  Skirts are great, but so are pants I think the main issue is whether you can present as yourself.  I'm of the opinion that wearing something a little more conservative around the folks isn't a huge deal.  Having to wear boy clothes and present as male, that is a big deal.  If your mom is asking the former category, then I can understand where she is coming from.  Even if I might not agree with her request for certain restrictions, it doesn't seem like she is asking for you to present as male which would be really bad.

[Misato]

I have nice weekend pants based outfits that would have worked for sure.  My concern in this is what else will she want me to do for him? No jewelry?   Tie my hair back?  His response to me would surely have been "tough" if I asked him to do something like this for me, if past is prologue.

He's freaking Eric Cartman!  I'll not be his Kyle anymore.

For my mom I wanted to be open, that's why I started this thread.  Instead I ended up becoming more hardend.  This is where life gets hard and I don't know how to be good.  I don't like how this whole thing has made me think and feel so I think I did he right thing by stopping it.

[Heather]

I've changed my mind after dealing with something similar to your situation I say go dressed however you feel like and make your dad deal with it! Because that's what I'm going to do in my situation.

[Ltl89]

I have nice weekend pants based outfits that would have worked for sure.  My concern in this is what else will she want me to do for him? No jewelry?   Tie my hair back?  His response to me would surely have been "tough" if I asked him to do something like this for me, if past is prologue.

He's freaking Eric Cartman!  I'll not be his Kyle anymore.

For my mom I wanted to be open, that's why I started this thread.  Instead I ended up becoming more hardend.  This is where life gets hard and I don't know how to be good.  I don't like how this whole thing has made me think and feel so I think I did he right thing by stopping it.

You have to do what's right for you. 

Having said that, I'm really hoping he's not like Cartman.  For your sake, I'm hoping that is elaboration.  If not, big virtual hugs.

I've changed my mind after dealing with something similar to your situation I say go dressed however you feel like and make your dad deal with it! Because that's what I'm going to do in my situation.

Good luck with your situation as well.

[Misato]

You have to do what's right for you. 

Having said that, I'm really hoping he's not like Cartman.  For your sake, I'm hoping that is elaboration.  If not, big virtual hugs.

Maybe a bit of an elaboration.  But I feel the comparison gets us in the ballpark.

Good luck Heather!

And I think this will be my 500th post.  I don't want to end it on a blue note so:

Happy fuzzy bunnies!

[Kaelin]

Don't go hard on him, but don't go easy.

When you're dealing with any questions or comments from him, you need to invest more energy when dealing with him.  Make sure you hold your ground and all that, but be prepared to take a little more time in dealing with him.

But for clothes, you've gotta do what you've gotta do.  If this is your big sort of coming out celebration, it may not rise to the level of a wedding (bride), but it's upward of a coming-of-age type event (cotillion, quinceañera) or at least prom, bridesmaid, or wedding guest.  Dress up for that as you see fit, neither giving in nor feeling you need to make a point.  I could see a tiara being overkill simply because most of the women I've known a long time have never worn a tiara for anything (other than maybe for dress-up as little girls), but if it's important to you (rather than something you're on-the-fence about), wear it.  I think the important thing may be sure your outfit is in "good taste" and doesn't enter into gaudy (going over-the-top with jewelry, especially gold) or suggestive territory (avoid low-cut and high-slit things, just because most fathers would disapprove of that in their daughters anyway), but I believe your dressing sensibilities probably put you in ~safe territory anyway.

Your dad also has the option of not being at the party.  It's not ideal, but it might also maximize happiness of everyone (including him) involved, although it is probably less desirable in the long run.