How does being non-op affect you?

[Keira]

Because I'm somewhat conflicted about the topic of SRS...

How does being non-op affect your everyday life?

I'm just sort of afraid that I'll never find someone that can love me for who I am as opposed to what my shape my genitals happen to be...

I'm also afraid of being treated as male by girls that I want to be close friends with...

If that's the case, then there isn't much point in me transitioning if I'm not going to have SRS...(no offense to other non op people who have or are transitioning)

Yay...hello rock...hello hard place...*beats head violently against rock*

[Edit]
I'm Pansexual if that makes much difference...I don't think it does though...

[JoanneB]

Finding an understanding guy can be difficult, pre or post op. There is a stunning woman in my TG group, post-op, who has no guy in her life. She is not stealth at an is an out an open advocate for TG causes. So as our group moderator reminded me "It takes a very special guy..."  Something that totally escaped me since My wife, who is 25 years post op, and I started dating over 30 years ago.

I never considered myself to be a special guy. I guess I am 

[Misato]

I don't like it when cis folk imply that we need to have SRS to be our true gender.  Yet, I think a lot of the time when they say things like, "They had surgery and now they're a girl." it's because they don't want to say the word vagina.  Which makes me think of The Big Lebowski:

In a sense, yes. My art has been commended as being strongly vaginal which bothers some men. The word itself makes some men uncomfortable. Vagina.

I love that scene.

Anyway, I seem to be asexual so the parts don't matter to me much.

[kelly_aus]

Because I'm somewhat conflicted about the topic of SRS...

How does being non-op affect your everyday life?

Short version, it doesn't really.

I'm just sort of afraid that I'll never find someone that can love me for who I am as opposed to what my shape my genitals happen to be...

I found someone who loved me.. She claimed to be a straight woman, she'd certainly never been with another woman. Us getting together forced her to reassess that.. She concluded that she wasn't as straight as she thought she was.

I'm also afraid of being treated as male by girls that I want to be close friends with...

None of my female friends treat me like a male. But then, few of them really did pre-transition either. There are some topics they are a little more open about now.

If that's the case, then there isn't much point in me transitioning if I'm not going to have SRS...(no offense to other non op people who have or are transitioning)

Yay...hello rock...hello hard place...*beats head violently against rock*

[Edit]
I'm Pansexual if that makes much difference...I don't think it does though...

Who are you living your life for? I'm non-op.. It really makes no difference to my day to day life. I now lead a much happier, more peaceful life. I am living the life I should always have lived. What's in my pants makes no appreciable difference to that..

[Misato]

I think my last post was influenced by a cis person yesterday.  Still, that's the only influence being non op has had thus far is dealing with the assertion or implication that you have to have SRS to transition.

Overall, I agree with and largely share the experience of Kelly.

[suzifrommd]

Being non-op screws up my self image. I see genetic females and get very sad that I don't have what they have down below.

I'm knee deep in divorce and am not dating, so I have no idea what it will do to my romantic life.

[sandrauk]

This is something that has been occupying my mind alot lately. I know why I started this journey 25 years ago. I didn't want to end up as an old, masculine looking, man in a dress, but I didn't know what the destination was.

Initially that wasn't a problem as the mones were pretty ineffective but in this last year my boobs have really,really grown which has put me in an in-between situation. For a while the self image thing suzi refers to was messing with me but then I realised that I was trying to please others and I have no reason to do that

I think I have come to the conclusion that I don't want to be a woman or a man despite the pressure I feel from various sources. I want to look like a woman definitely, but I don't want to "function" like one.

Now that I've come to that realisation I'm happy that that is my destination

I think part of the problem comes from the negative connotations that come with the word >-bleeped-< and the phrase "you can't have the best of both worlds" Well, sounds great to me.

I'm sure there must be many men/women who like the lower parts of a male but nothing else about males. In fact I remember a documentary of a sexworker where she said once she had SRS her career was effectively over as she had a lot fewer clients.

I'm not looking for anyone but it's just a case of finding the right person and that's true wherever you are on the spectrum

[Emoroffle]

My main issue with being non-op is dating. It's quite difficult being a self identified trans-lesbian with that thing between my legs. Even on dating sites like OkCupid I mostly get messages from older male creepers. Finding trans-romantic women is quite difficult. Not to mention the matter of wearing all the cute frilly goth stuff I like without fear of a gust of wind revealing my "friend" to the world.

[Oriah]

I'm not all that effected by being non-op.  When I first started transition, I was certain that no matter what, before I died I'd get the surgery....but over time I got less gung-ho, to the point that now, I never plan on it.  I'm not a big fan of surgery, period.  It's all too invasive for me....

I've come to understand for me at least, that a vagina isn't really preferable to a penis.....not to say a penis is preferable to a vagina....they both are equally unattractive as far as I'm concerned....sex organs are my least favorite characteristic of the human body, and even SRS is purely cosmetic.  A vagina constructed from penile tissue is still penile tissue.  I've learned to operate the equipment I have pretty darn well (or so I'm told), and if I had it removed, I'd still end up using with a strap-on in the sack.  It seems like a lot less trouble to simply save the money, pain, and risk and forego the surgery.  Perhaps this would be different if I was single, but as it is now, the only people who get to see me that far undressed are me and my partner, and it's just not causing us enough trouble to be an issue.

The rest of the world perceives me as a woman, I perceive me as a woman, and my partner sees me as a woman.

I guess HRT was enough to quell any dysphoria I had.  For that I am happy. 

[Tadpole]

Well, I messed around with therapy and talked about starting hormones with the doc but I was not able to get a letter for hormone therapy. Even though I am still considering going through the process again, I was a little worried about whether I could handle the no alcohol/drug rule that was strongly encouraged as a condition for hormone therapy. During that time I bought a bunch of men's clothes over time and transitioned my female clothes out. I don't hardly wear female clothes anymore and I feel better. I changed my facebook gender to male and that was okay even though some people think it's kind of weird. A lot of people on there identify me as a guy now which is totally okay. I became more okay with not trying to change that some people will still call me female and whatever and just let them do it rather than fight it tooth and nail like I used to. But I enjoy living more like a guy and having more people identify me as a guy. I've come to feel it's okay and I can be myself even though sometimes I worry that my language gives me off as a female (if not my voice). The weird thing is I still like wearing women's underwear (but not the really femmy stuff just jockies) and that's cool with me cuz I have no sex life anyway and I find it a little more comfortable, unfortunately I can't get used to wearing the guys underwear especially briefs just have no penis it doesn't feel quite right for me currently. I'm sort of okay with this, and not having to see doctors for hormones or work about how hormones might effect my body or mental state in a negative way, but I still would like to try them at some point if possible. But I still feel like a lot of body dysphoria, and don't like my breasts that much, or other things and it makes me feel weird in sex relationships because I don't know how I should identify or if I can find a person who respects I feel like a guy, but have this female body. I don't think I could ever afford any surgeries (and possibly not the hormones even) so it might be better this way, but the dysphoria makes me feel weird when I'm naked or in a swim suit, because i have a fairly masculine face and short hair and can almost pass as a guy without the testosterone, but when I'm naked with the guys clothes off, it seems like my cover is blown and I just feel unusual. It's okay but I'm not sure that it's the best situation I can be in.

[Kira Phoenix]

I find myself to be an extraordinarily lucky girl. My hormone therapy is covered by the VA since I'm a medically retired veteran. Even so, I started while I was still on active duty and had Tricare pay for them, so I haven't had to pay out of pocket for them (except finasteride). My transition has gone exceptionally well and more so than I could have ever hoped for. Finally, as a polyamorous woman, I have both my husband AND a very supportive trans-man boyfriend at my sides supporting me in all this.

However...being non-op has been very damaging. I can't look at myself in the mirror and be happy with what I see. I still see the "man" in me...I will never put on a bathing suit and I despise even looking at "it". The worst part about this is I seem to attract all sorts of men...but they all fetishize me as something different to >-bleeped-<. I have to make a conscious effort everyday not castrate myself because I just want to be rid of it. The problem I have is that the Veterans Affairs Administration will not cover gender reassignment surgery. I wish that they would. Maybe I am sounding ungrateful, but is it to much for to ask to allow me to be myself? I think not...

[Illuminess]

I used to say that I wish I just didn't have anything there, period. It's been nothing but a discomfort and an annoyance. As for having a full SRS procedure, I'd probably be more open to the cosmetic one as I have no interest in penetration. I'm not opposed to orgasms, but sexual activity has always felt very awkward to me. Maybe it's just because I had to be the male. And I never last beyond 5 minutes. I get too emotionally involved to the point where I feel sex as a mindless chore. I'd rather just snog and enjoy someone's company. But then when I do that something had a mind of its own and that's so embarrassing. So, yeah... I've been single for 10 years now.

[tabitha34]

that i an not not doing it now gets me down i an so unhappy the way i an now i got a fursuit to stop ones from seeing the me i do not like

[Sandy74]

For years I thought I was just a CD but then realized that I am more transgender than anything else. I have thought lots about getting surgery but I know that the price of it I could never afford and that its just a pipe dream and I am okay with that. I am so far from being totally comfortable being transgender because I just recently started to label myself that. When I am a guy and in public and if I go to places like gay bars other guys find me very attractive but inside I know that I couldn't be with them for a long term because inside my soul I am a female and I just recently wrote a letter to my real mom who I haven't seen in like 20 years telling her that I am transgender.

I feel like I just want to tell the world that I am this way but I know that majority of people that I work with and what not would not understand and I would be a freak to them even though the only time I hang out with those people is at work. I know that I will always want to be a female until the end of time when they put me six feet under but I have come to the realization that I will never be changed between my legs and to be honest how much different would it be if I was changed down there. I would still be gay and interested in men except I would have a vagina rather than a penis, would that turn most guys on or off and would I be able to be with someone as a female all the time?

I mean I enjoy being a male sometimes but enjoy the aspect of wanting to be a female as well. When it comes to both I think its like 75% of me wants to be female while the other 25% enjoys being a guy and perhaps overtime the number of wanting to be a guy will become slower but I look at it that I am 40 years old and that say by the time I get surgery I am like 50 and that gives me how many years to be female exclusively. I would have preferred to have gotten the surgery when I was younger.

I guess in the end I am okay with it and have accepted it. Perhaps in the next years I will say heck with it and take hormones and grow breasts but then my life as a guy would be over because then I would have to dress in public and be known as a female because a guy with breasts and wearing a bra all the time would be kind of strange in all honesty.

[Sosophia]

I see genetic females and get very sad that I don't have what they have down below.

that for me too;
i do not like it (to be pre op) , that thing annoy me at times others i just acknowledge its there and woum ld rather its not or never have been its the good reasons others had to stuff me in male box in there mind , at times it feel like a chastity belt made of flesh , i can not let myself sleep naked because of it , and i dont feel like intimacy with others because of it , sometime i would like to be with a guy that could be transphobic and i cant until i m fixed

[Cute Ida]

Hello,

How does being a m2f non-op affect me? Simple I don't let it affect me. I am comfortable enough with myself that I can honestly be a woman with male genitalia. Transitioning socially, growing out my hair, learning to be a woman, taking HRT to grow breasts and achieve female attributes, and changing my name are enough for my transition. I was very methodical and decided what I would do and wouldn't do in regards to my transition before I started it.

Sure I would like to have a vagina but I just don't see a reason to go ahead and have the srs. I am both non-op and lesbian.  I would date both trans-women and genetic women.  I'm 31 years old and started transition 3 years ago. I've been full time and on HRT for 2 years and 2 months. There are 5 personal/medical reasons why I'm non-op.

1. General fear of surgery,  2. I don't respond well to anesthesia,  3. Cost (big one),  4. Not willing to take extended time off of work for recuperation (not worth it),  5. I am not willing to dilate the rest of my life.


There are women out there that would be interested in or accepting of a non-operative trans-lesbian. They might be a bit harder to find but they are out there. In the three years I have been transitioning not once has anyone said anything about me using the women's bathroom. When I started dressing en femme I used the women's bathroom. When I went full time I made it a habit of using the women's bathroom. Its now been over 2 years that I have been using the women's room. I don't think anything about it. I just see myself like any other woman that uses the women's room even if I am non-op.


I am passable 95 percent of the time. As a friend once told me if you act like you belong somewhere and act like yourself then everyone will treat you like you belong there. I'm proof it works. I'm sorry if my reply came off as bitchy but I couldn't find the right words. The message I was trying to get across was that my distress over my appearance, passability and emotionally feeling like a woman was higher than my distress over my genitalia so it didn't affect me as much as it can to other trans-women.  By coming to terms with the reasons to not have the surgery I was able to accept the way I am.

[Balerie]

For years I thought I was just a CD but then realized that I am more transgender than anything else. I have thought lots about getting surgery but I know that the price of it I could never afford and that its just a pipe dream and I am okay with that. I am so far from being totally comfortable being transgender because I just recently started to label myself that. When I am a guy and in public and if I go to places like gay bars other guys find me very attractive but inside I know that I couldn't be with them for a long term because inside my soul I am a female and I just recently wrote a letter to my real mom who I haven't seen in like 20 years telling her that I am transgender.

I feel like I just want to tell the world that I am this way but I know that majority of people that I work with and what not would not understand and I would be a freak to them even though the only time I hang out with those people is at work. I know that I will always want to be a female until the end of time when they put me six feet under but I have come to the realization that I will never be changed between my legs and to be honest how much different would it be if I was changed down there. I would still be gay and interested in men except I would have a vagina rather than a penis, would that turn most guys on or off and would I be able to be with someone as a female all the time?

I mean I enjoy being a male sometimes but enjoy the aspect of wanting to be a female as well. When it comes to both I think its like 75% of me wants to be female while the other 25% enjoys being a guy and perhaps overtime the number of wanting to be a guy will become slower but I look at it that I am 40 years old and that say by the time I get surgery I am like 50 and that gives me how many years to be female exclusively. I would have preferred to have gotten the surgery when I was younger.

I guess in the end I am okay with it and have accepted it. Perhaps in the next years I will say heck with it and take hormones and grow breasts but then my life as a guy would be over because then I would have to dress in public and be known as a female because a guy with breasts and wearing a bra all the time would be kind of strange in all honesty.

I can totally relate to this as I present male 24/7 but with every passing day I feel more compelled to be female. For some time now I've been really wanting to start HRT so I can have the female body I want and need. In fact it's gotten to the point that I want to tell my therapist and urologist about my desire for female hormones.  I'm not unhappy being male but I'm not fully happy either. I'd love to be able to be female or male based on my feelings that day but that is a pipe dream. No one at work will understand or accept me. I'm 47 and not getting any younger so my clock is ticking. I don't think I'm 50/50 split on being male and female. It leans more towards female currently.


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[Peebles]

It was a pain for me realizing I was trans at first, as I don't / didn't have much genital dysphoria, and all you ever hear about actually transgender people in popular culture is discussion about what we do with our dangly bits; there's just soo much more to being trans than SRS.

It also makes this a bit annoying to talk to being at first, as they always want to know what your doing about that, as that's all they know about it. My sister's first question was "so when are you cutting off your penis." 

[wired22]

Wow, the more I read the more there is to ponder. I just find this all so encouraging and helpful! Thanks for sharing your experiences!

[Rosa]

For me, I simply do not like the plumbing down below because it does not reflect who I am.  The occasional erections are very upsetting.  For me, dating is not an option now - at my age and with my health, the plumbing problem just makes it impossible.  I would love to have SRS, first for me regardless of any future partner, but secondly, for a better chance at one day having a partner. 

In the end, I am a woman no matter what the plumbing is downstairs.  There are plenty of other women with various differences in that area from intersex to girls like the one I saw on The Doctors whose vagina was only about an inch deep and who did not date (fortunately, she had corrective surgery and loves it).