It has become more and more apparent to me that I need to transition. For a while now, my dysphoria has come back 10 fold, and my outlook on life has been bleak, to say the least. I find it difficult to look at my body, and have begun to go all "Grizzly Adams". I have finally decided to move forward, but then I find myself in darkness. First of all, my girlfriend... I don't know how to come out to her, or if I even should. I feel that we have been moving apart recently and I think she is getting mad at me for going such long periods without even touching her, let alone my "bf duties". It would be so much easier for me to transition if we weren't together, and I feel like such a horrible person for leading her on. She used to live with a FtM, and they were best friends for a long time.
My brother has been on the depression fence for several years now, and we are all afraid that he might hurt himself one day... I don't know how I will handle losing another one of my brother, especially in the same manner. My family does have a lot of background with mental illnesses, and I somewhat contribute my problems to that. I, too, have been on the depression fence since I was 13 years old. I lost my older brother and I felt like I lost my hero.
I moved in with my dad after my brother passed away, and I remember sitting in my bed and wishing I could wake up as a girl. I wished every night that I would wake up in a new life, that I could be in the body I wanted, the body I needed. I wished every night for several weeks, each night believing that one day it will happen... I didn't even know at the time that there were such things as a trans person, let alone the process it would have taken to achieve that goal. To think, if I knew then what I know now, I have a strong belief I would have done everything in my power to make it come true.
One night while I was sitting in bed, wishing to be a girl, I started thinking to myself, "Why and when exactly did I know I want to be a girl?"
I guess my earliest recollection of the thought was when I was very young, maybe 5 or 6. I remember I was at the mall with my mother, and I was doing my own thing in the cart. As she was pushing me around she turns to me, and as crystal as day I remember her asking me, "Don't you ever wish you were a little girl instead of a little boy?" I don't remember my answer or what happened after that, but I guess that planted a seed in my head that festered for several years. Was I showing signs? I don't know, but what I do know is that it has been in my head for a long time, although not always in the from of my mind.
I asked my mom several years ago if she was expecting me to be a girl... She said that everyone thought I was going to be a girl. That they were so sure about it, they had a girl baby shower. (My family didn't see doctors, so they wouldn't have found out my gender)
So, I am sitting here thinking of the times I would lay in my bed, wishing I was a girl. Even thinking about it made me so happy. I would have dreams of me being a girl, and I would wake up and be angry that I wasn't. I truly thought it was a curse that I was a boy. When I was 13 years old, I was average height... but then I started growing like a weed, and am currently 6'6" and wear a size 13 male shoe (US). And it has crossed my mind that maybe transition is not even worth it, that I am too freakishly large and tall to ever make it work.
For a year, I thought I would grow out of it... but it kept coming back, stronger than before. I know now what needs to be done, but I don't know the means of how to do it. I have been to several therapists in my time with living with my brothers death, and I understand why they would be very useful in this situation. I am not rushing anything, and have been thinking about this for a long time. I have been doing a lot of research... I may not be happy with the results, but it still needs to get done. I still need to let that 13 year old, who just lost his hero, know that someone was listening to them, even if it was myself. I owe it to myself to make this work.
That's where I need help. I know there are clinics that take informed consent, but the closest one is five hours away. The nearest Trans specialized therapist is 2 hours away. I work from home and usually get two days off in a row. I would like to get some advice from those of you pretty girls out there as to what I should do. I know perfectly well that having a therapist is great for an early transition, in some aspects. I also know that I could jade your mind and they could talk you out of it for the fears they put in your head.
My question is, for those of you who have had informed consent, and the others who did it the traditional way. Would it be wise to go to therapy (which is 2 hours away) and spend a large amount of money? Is over the internet therapy viable in this situation? Would it be more wise to go ahead and get informed consent? Longer distance but more consistent results. If I did go the informed consent route, would I need to visit them often to keep getting my prescription filled?
Terribly sorry for the long post.
