Me & My Sad Sad Thoughts

[K Style Addiction]

This is me with venom in my veins and pain in my heart just relenting out, i can't take it i got to tell someone my pain...maybe someone here will understand me, as i keep saying i'm not looking for attention...i just need to vent my pain so someone can hear me, i feel like i'm screaming but no one hears it.

I see women on tv, and it sucks everyone is so beautiful, i feel like some ugly b*tch that no one will ever want to be near. I hate this feeling of being ugly, i know i sound like a broken record but i can't help it i just need to vent my pain out.

I'm a nerd, i feel afraid of people when i go out eventhough i've never been bothered and people have come up to me and said nice things, but that was just 3 people it's not like a regular f'n thing maybe it's just living in the city or something but everybody seems to keep to themselves, i hate being ugly and being able to be a pretty girl having fun...damn it.

i feel like i walking through a haze, i feel like a ghost, sometimes i wake up and i can't remember where i am.

I am a loser, i am ugly as hell, i can't stand my face, my dreams feel shattered, i just want to live like every normal pretty girl does, not some kind of ugly b*tch...i hate being me, i wish i had it to kill myself.

Edit: In the beginning in trasition because of where i lived i didn't go out, only october last year have i started going out for the first time in a long long time as myself, when i moved to SF and that's the only fun thing in my life but people keep to themselves here so much  till the point it get's boring, so for me this current time of my life is like going full time for the first time....*sigh*, it sucks.

[Robyn]

Sorry for the pain, Donna.

A suggestion or two:

Don't compare yourself to women on TV unless you're looking at their bleary-eyed mug shots without makeup on the front cover of grocery store checkout rag sheets. That's what they really look like.

Another good reality check is to go to Walmart, KMart, etc. and check the mommas in the aisles. Not all raving beauties, are they?

It isn't how beautiful we look, it's the being true to ourselves, being our real identities that brings peace and joy. Be happy as the true you even if you aren't appearing in a movie.

I've never been pretty and never will be, but I clean up pretty well on the rare opportunity one has on a tropical island to wear more than shorts and a top, bathing suit and snorkel, or SCUBA gear. (Which reminds me... I'm diving at 7 AM tomorrow.)

Be well and feel/show your inner beauty..

Robyn

[K Style Addiction]

My dream was always to be a model and after i realize that is a pipe drime being trans, i just want to be a normal 20 year old pretty girl, being flirted with, having fun with friends male and female, and just basically being pretty and having fun.

I feel i want to be more zen when i grow older, i just want to have stupid fun now like all the other young stupid girls.

i wish i was pretty, i mean you don't think i'm pretty right? *sigh*.

[FTMDiaries]

i wish i was pretty, i mean you don't think i'm pretty right? *sigh*.

*Holds up hand* Um... actually, I do.

I've felt similarly despondent lately, but I'm going to keep pushing forward. I'm coming to terms with the fact that I'll never be 'perfect'... but so what? Lots of people aren't 'perfect'. They still have value though, and so do I.

So do you.

[K Style Addiction]

actually, I do.

Thanks, i hate myself i don't know why, i look at myself and see a monster. I wish i could just be happy.

[ZoeM]

Thanks, i hate myself i don't know why, i look at myself and see a monster. I wish i could just be happy.

Something I noticed today: the imperfections you see in yourself show up in others of our true gender too.
For instance, I hate my nose. It's huge and ugly and overbearing and Roman. Every time I see my nose in a picture all I can see in the picture is 'male.' My avatar? So damn male it hurts.

But! I saw a lady today, perfectly normal looking, and I decided to try seeing the same sort of things in her face. And you know what happened? Suddenly, this normal looking lady looked for all the world like a guy.

So, the things we see? They aren't problems. Look for them in others, and you'll soon see how much they matter (or rather, don't) TO others.

[K Style Addiction]

Thanks Zoe, i know i should be happy but it feels like there is a horrible looking person everytime i see myself and it sucks.

I tend not to look at people in the streets though...i don't know, the neighborhood i live at is filled with a lot of old and middle aged people too.

[JLT1]

You are stunning.  I really don't have a clue what you see that makes you think otherwise.   I don't - WOW.

[StellaB]

Ah, I've been kind of wondering what's been happening with you.

Couldn't help but wonder whether you were beating yourself up near a mirror somewhere.

Everyone is beautiful in their own way, including you. You're also an individual so I don't understand the need to compare yourself with others. It's not like there's any sort of standard or anything, is there?

You say everyone on TV looks so beautiful. Yeah, but take it from me (and I work in the industry so to speak) that it's an illusion and they all have good photographers and camerapeople and editors, and make up artists, and wardrobe people.

You say you wanted to be a model. Ever thought of becoming an actress? You're in San Francisco, I reckon you could give it a go.

The other thing you're beating yourself up over physical beauty which is superficial, subject to taste - besides people see you differently to the way you see yourself. But it fades.

The real beauty comes from within. Everybody has it, even you. When you figure out a way to project that outwards, that's what makes you attractive.

Just like they said in 'Pulp Fiction'

'Personality goes a long way..'

[Darkie]

Hunny, you are beautiful.  Seriously.

[K Style Addiction]

You are stunning.  I really don't have a clue what you see that makes you think otherwise.   I don't - WOW.

What do you mean by wow? and thanks but i don't know i don't see it.

Couldn't help but wonder whether you were beating yourself up near a mirror somewhere.

I hope you're not making fun of me with that statement but anyway, i read your posts...you make some good points but in my opinion at my age level (male and female) and with society the way it is looks are very important, the world is superficial, i want to be pretty always have, i don't consider being who i am a dream because this is just a realization of who i really was (female) but being pretty has always been a dream i mean, it's really all that matter call me superficial....i'm not to others but i am to myself.

Hunny, you are beautiful.  Seriously.

Thanks

[JoanneB]

Edit: In the beginning in trasition because of where i lived i didn't go out, only october last year have i started going out for the first time in a long long time as myself, when i moved to SF and that's the only fun thing in my life but people keep to themselves here so much  till the point it get's boring, so for me this current time of my life is like going full time for the first time....*sigh*, it sucks.

My wife and I were both born and raised on the east coast, just outside NYC. A while back she lived for a couple of years just outside SF in San Mateo. In NYC you can strike up a conversation with just about anyone, anywhere. Her major complaint about California is how that was basically impossible. Nothing more than a PC hello if you weren't part of a group or clique. If you get to talk for a bit to a guy, as soon as his friends showed up that he was waiting for it was see-ya. Not even an intro. Much less an invite to hang with them for a bit. Not at all the New York experience

[JLT1]

What do you mean by wow? and thanks but i don't know i don't see it.

I like girls.  Every now and then, I see a girl that is so good looking, I say "WOW",  start staring.  Then I generally forget everything else and do something stupid like walking into a post because I wasn't watching what I was doing. 

[Robyn]

Donna, if that is your real picture, believe me, you are a very pretty young woman.

Robyn

[justpat]

   Quit worrying about painted up tv people if you are as beautiful on the inside , as I am sure you are,as on the outside you will have a wonderful life.

[Anatta]

Kia Ora Donna,

When I read your post it made me think of this...

Beauty- A Short Film

Metta Zenda

[Jamie D]

Kimmy, you really are pretty.  Now we have to work on you seeing that too.

100 angels swearing that was the case would not mean a thing if the better angel of your nature does not believe it.

[K Style Addiction]

Thanks for all the replies and that was a really nice documentary Kuan Yin .

[Anatta]

Thanks for all the replies and that was a really nice documentary Kuan Yin .

Kia Ora Donna,

You're welcome...I hope you're feeling a little better with yourself...

Metta Zenda