Cyclical dysphoria?

[CalmRage]

What i am thinking right now:
I cannot possibly be female, do i really feel like that?
But i did get jealous at times?
I'm a boy and that's it.
I don't like most feminine things

I'm so confused.

It's always there, that little voice (not literally) that tells you you have to do something.

In my case, trying to get help from my psychologist, figuring myself out.

Earlier this day i wanted to kill myself because of my confusion and not knowing what my "place" is.

[Elle16]

I'm pretty certain most Trans people have days like that - I know I used to back when I was working. I'd be happy and full of joy one day then really upset and all over the place a few days later... It wasn't down to mood swings or anything - it was down to not really owning upto what I already Knew the probem was - my Gender Identity Disorder...
Well that and the fact my workplace was a nightmare...

Since coming out, both to myself and family - I've been on much more even keel & ready to move forward, thinking positively as I go. Some days I find myself wondering is this really me? Can I really do this? But I keep on pushing forward. Getting more and more in touch with my femanine side as my male pales away like it was never there. I've known for years I'm really a girl - and yes the dysphoria about my 'not-so much there breasts' is really getting to me but then I think about the future and what will happen when I'm on hormones, how my breasts will grow and I'll finally feel comfortable in my body! These thoughts are enough to keep me going - you can't let fear stop you from living life to the full and enjoy being who YOU are inside!

[CalmRage]

Today i'm addressing myself (in thoughts) by my male name again. I want to clear my mind up with help from my psychologist at the moment. But it's always there, like background hiss on tape. Feeling rather male again (defense mechanism). Know this is temporary though. I know my problems. I'm just trying to enjoy the hours where it is a little lighter right now. Just this morning i got really suicidal. I want some answers, some clarity. I know this has to be real. All the jealousy, confusion and guilt is still there, but deliberately and knowingly suppressed to allow for continued life.

[Terri]

Cycles, yes - burying myself in the noise by going into workaholic mode - yes.  I find that the more stressed I get, the more disconnected I feel and the less time there is to take care of myself and then boom.  Enter the cycle.  Accordingly the more stressed I become at work, the more intense the desire to take care of myself and to crossdress to try to feel more like me.  And spin.

I'm learning that little things help to reduce the exhaustion from these cycles.  Painting my toenails is a good example.  Nobody knows but me and my wife and I'm not 100% hidden in that man suit I feel so disconnected in.  Having everyday underwear is a plus too.  Women's jeans that fit well are virtually indistinguishable from men's nowadays, but I know and it makes me feel more connected to me when I'm just sitting around with friends.  I'm in guy mode but in girls clothing.  And this helps me relax into being a more centered me.

Anything to reduce the cycles would be helpful.  Would love to hear other ideas.