Coming out letter to my mom

[Stefani2]

Okay, so I reeally want to come out to my mother (who seems to sorta be noticing things, lately) but I'm really afraid to and every time I start to get up my nerve, I chicken out (which is weird, cuz we used to be super close and we're usually pretty open with one another, but this goes deep).

Anyway, I wrote a letter and opinions would be much appreciated. Anything I should add, anything I should remove:

Mom,



As I'm sure you have noticed, I have been quite moody, lately, and particularly...cross, with you. I am writing this email in hopes that I can possibly explain why a little bit.



First, it has nothing to do with your illness or anything that went down in the last 6 months. Yes, I was upset over that for about 2 minutes. But I ->-bleeped-<-ing got over it, it wasn't the end of the world. Nor was it your fault and it wasn't fair of me to blame you for what happened. For that, I do sincerely apologize.



I think the reason I have been angry with you is to get distance. I feel as though I will need this in the coming months because I feel as though you will never accept what I am getting ready to tell you. I guess, from my point of view, it's easier to get us to a point where we hate one another and then cutting off contact will be a breeze.



What you should know? You should know that for the past 5 weeks I have been taking hormone-replacement-therapy for male-to-female transition. I know this may come as a shock to you...or not? I don't know. But it is something that has been present since my earliest memory, and something I never even vaguely considered would go away. I am just trying to give you a glimpse of how fundamental this is to my identity, and I am letting you know right now, it will never change.



The exact cause of transsexualism is not know, but gender dysphoria (a state of feeling a brain/body mismatch which triggers severe discomfort, something I have experienced time and again) is a very, very real medical condition and one that's only cure is considered to be transition to align ones body with ones brain. This is not liberal propaganda, this is an objective fact. Transsexualism is not considered a mental disorder and is very likely a physiologically caused condition.



Various theories  on causation include natal hormone exposure, genetic predisposition, etc. Here are some links showing different theories:



http://www.transgenderlondon.com/What%20Causes%20It.htm 🔗



There is significant evidence of a fundamental difference in the brain structure of transpeople that causes their minds to be more similar to those of their identified gender than their biological sex.



Regardless, the cause doesn't really matter to me. All that matters is that this *is* and it won't ever change or go away and my only way of ever being happy with myself is transition. You, yourself, noted the difference in my personality, and that is largely because of the hormones finally making me feel like myself.



I know you will be afraid of me passing, but please don't worry, I'm not. Number 1, passing isn't anywhere near as important as being myself, and number 2., the hormones will have an effect on just about everything over time. What can be expected in the coming months includes breast growth, fat redistribution into a feminine pattern, facial softening and feminization, body hair reduction or total loss (not really a big issue with me, though, but unfortunately facial hair will need to be lasered), and so much more. Here are a few examples of what the hormones have done to other young women:



http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m67ideNEbb1rtf9aio1_500.jpg 🔗

http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_mb14k2yyyl1rurlulo1_1280.jpg 🔗

http://i.imgur.com/nuNEE.jpg 🔗

http://25.media.tumblr.com/2b164c909f2933ff61668822c64e5e61/tumblr_mlbzwh0PCb1rkzs1ro1_500.jpg 🔗



As you can see, the results are quite stunning (although, even though these results are fairly typical, the general rule with this is, YMWV "Your Mileage Will Vary").



Anyway, I am going to close this letter now and let you process everything I have told you. I'm bringing you in on this because I think you can help me and because I don't want to keep being angry at you, when you have done nothing wrong. Hopefully, you can come to accept this as a part of who I am and we can rebuild our relationship from here, but on an even stronger foundation.



I know this is something that is extremely difficult to understand unless you live it, but - although it may not seem like it at all to you, yet - I will end this by saying...

Your daughter,

Stefani

I dunno, I thought maybe it was a little too early to spring "Your daughter, Stefani" on her. Do I give her time for that?

I'm just worried she won't understand and will think I'm a freak. I know she won't get mad or kick me out or anything but I don't want her to try to cure me. And most of all, I don't want her to think this is her fault, which she very well might since she doesn't understand these things well and has a tendancy toward self-blame.

Advice is much appreciated...I'm sooo nervous!

[Ms. OBrien CVT]

I would remove the cussing, i.e. "But I ->-bleeped-<-ing got over it".  And I agree about springing the daughter thing right now.  Give her time to mull the information over.

[Stefani2]

I didn't even really give the cussing a second thought XD That's just how I talk, oops. But you are right, it's prolly best to remove it and be as respectful as possible. I just don't want it to be too...serious? I try to keep things as light as possible. It's easier that way.

And thank you for the advice about the "Your daughter" part. I wasn't really sure whether to put it in or leave it out and I only added it at the last second. I just wanted to sort of move things along, I guess, but you are right. She needs time to think about everything.

Gaah, this was so much easier with my sister (who is a lesbian)!

[Ltl89]

I would remove the cussing, i.e. "But I ->-bleeped-<-ing got over it".  And I agree about springing the daughter thing right now.  Give her time to mull the information over.

I agree with this.  The daughter aspect is probably a little too much at this time.  I do understand why you want it in there though.  The cursing statement is pretty harsh.  Even if you talk that way, you want to be gentle in this letter.

I don't have great suggestions because I'm going through the same thing myself.  However, I do wish you the best of luck with everything.

[Tristan]

I kind of like the letter. Your being yourself. And that is important. I agree with some of them on the wording though. A lady is sometimes expected to act accordingly. Certain behaviors are expected of a lady when addressing parents and elders.  Of course that's if your bound to doing things the proper way (which is boring). If you have a open relationship with her you can be open And honest as much as you want 🙂

[Stefani2]

Thank you, Tristan 🙂 That was kinda it. I wanted to be my blunt self, because this transition isn't really about changing my personality or trying to be anything different. Just the opposite, actually. I was just trying to be as honest and forthcoming as possible.

We *do* have a very open relationship, we have since my early teens. We seriously talk about everything (including, love, sex, oh, and most recently, menopause, for her, lolz). I've always felt really close to her and in my mind I have always been and acted as a daughter to her. I just wanted to express myself in this letter the same way I always have with her with everything else. But I guess it prolly would be easier for her to see me as female if I were a bit more traditionally ladylike in this letter, I dunno.

[Tristan]

Oh well in that case your letter is def right the way it is 🙂