What was the last straw?

[Nicole]

My high school was starting to wear uniforms and I didn't want to wear the thing.
I broke down and told mum, I wore the uniform twice before she allowed me to drop out and we moved states a few weeks later

[Christine167]

I was at work at when a newspaper article started up gossip amongst my cube mates. Our hospital CEO was contracting with a company to outsource certain staff and materials purchasing. Amongst the staff listed was information services which is where I happen to work. I went home, panicked, and started looking for a new job. The next day I built up so much anxiety that I broke down at work. It was a full on panic attack at my desk with me just trying to hold it together like a man. Just soldier on.

I went home and talked to my wife that night about everything that was bothering me. From the patients who died in my care to my history of cross dressing as an early teen because I was afraid my mom might try to take custody of our son because she knew. Then my wife started asking about why I brought the cross dressing up. I didn't really have an answer except that I was so afraid that I would be outed as a cross dresser when I was young. That's when it hit. I realized that I had compartmentalised all the pieces of the transgender puzzle. I hide them away in shame as they came up in life and built the best damn "I'm a man" script that I could live by. But the script failed big time right then. I wept and it felt good and I felt so bad that I had hurt this wonderful girl inside me so badly. I mean I'm a thirty five year old data analyst and x-ray tech who solves puzzles in "his" sleep and I just didn't see it. Right there in front of me.

[Jenny07]

The last straw?
There was no particular last straw moment but a steady building of anxiety which I could not keep on ignoring after all these years.
I had always had an unhealthy amount of GID from my mid teens but could from time to time block it out.
I was also experiencing quite a bit of hair shedding and it was something I didn't want.
So late one winters night, particular cold and wet sitting on my couch by myself about twelve months ago I decided to take action and registered to Susan's after a while reading and not admitting to myself who I was inside.
I was scared witless on my first post but did it and have not looked back.
I have slowly been able to open up to myself and others knowing I will not be judged here.

It gave me the confidence to start the process and take small steps forward on this once in a lifetime journey to me. About to start therapy again but this time about GID not other issues.

[Corwynn Jade]

I had begun crossdressing again after my millionth purge, and i decided to tell someone because i felt guilty. All i had intended to tell them was that i'd been crossdressing, but what came out was "I'm transgendered." I had known for basically forever, but i hadn't told anybody except a therapist i'd seen one time. This person's response was to tell me that it was okay that i'm trans, and that they were there for me.
  That little bit of acceptance was all it took to open the floodgates. A week later, I already had a basic wardrobe and a new fem name picked out. Since then i haven't stopped, and i could never go back.   

[Tristan]

I had begun crossdressing again after my millionth purge, and i decided to tell someone because i felt guilty. All i had intended to tell them was that i'd been crossdressing, but what came out was "I'm transgendered." I had known for basically forever, but i hadn't told anybody except a therapist i'd seen one time. This person's response was to tell me that it was okay that i'm trans, and that they were there for me.
  That little bit of acceptance was all it took to open the floodgates. A week later, I already had a basic wardrobe and a new fem name picked out. Since then i haven't stopped, and i could never go back.

Good for you girl. Glad you can be true to yourself. At your age that makes things a little simpler

[Mollie]

Last straw? When I stumbled out of the house one morning garbling nonsense to my wife before wandering into the woods and sat against a tree with rain pouring down my face on a cold Scottish winters morning so still that a bird attacked me and I struck out hitting my own face which drew blood which trickled down my clothes then walked for hours in a semi tormented trance until stopped and picked up by the police who took me back home to my terrified despairing wife.........That did the trick.

[Tristan]

Last straw? When I stumbled out of the house one morning garbling nonsense to my wife before wandering into the woods and sat against a tree with rain pouring down my face on a cold Scottish winters morning so still that a bird attacked me and I struck out hitting my own face which drew blood which trickled down my clothes then walked for hours in a semi tormented trance until stopped and picked up by the police who took me back home to my terrified despairing wife.........That did the trick.

Wow. That's deep and dark. I'm sorry you had to go through that

[Clockpunk]

I had a few 'last straws' before I REALLY had enough.

I was up really late one night watching Youtube video's when my girlfriend at the time showed me something. My lightbulb turned on and I discovered myself. I began noticing, then, just how much I hated the female pronouns and after months of my (now ex) girlfriend controlling me, telling me she hated that I wanted to be a boy, I finally stomped my foot down. I switched jobs after she broke it off with me and now I refuse to let anyone call me ma'am!

It feels so good, finally noticing that I've found what I've been searching for!

@sentience
That is deep o.o
I hope all is well for you now

The last straw?
There was no particular last straw moment but a steady building of anxiety which I could not keep on ignoring after all these years.
I had always had an unhealthy amount of GID from my mid teens but could from time to time block it out.
I was also experiencing quite a bit of hair shedding and it was something I didn't want.
So late one winters night, particular cold and wet sitting on my couch by myself about twelve months ago I decided to take action and registered to Susan's after a while reading and not admitting to myself who I was inside.
I was scared witless on my first post but did it and have not looked back.
I have slowly been able to open up to myself and others knowing I will not be judged here.

It gave me the confidence to start the process and take small steps forward on this once in a lifetime journey to me. About to start therapy again but this time about GID not other issues.

I have a similar story, minus the sitting on the couch 'aha!' moment. Mine was a futon(lol)!
So proud of you for not looking back

[mikaelmackison]

I've always known I felt male but not that I was transgender.  Going through puberty in the age of the internet means that, if so inclined, one can find A LOT of MTF porn.  I was fascinated at the prospect of someone being a beautiful woman irregardless of having a penis.  It never occurred to me that the transition worked in reverse, as well.

My first eye opener was at 16.  I had just moved cross country to live with my father.  He is an openly gay man.  While walking down a side street on my first day in the city, accompanied by my father, some idiots drove by and screamed "F&#^ing f@gs!"  My dad apologized for my being included in the insult but somewhere inside me, a voice asked "How did they know?"

The last straw for me came this year, actually.  I was driving cross country with my daughters (age 3 & 2) toward one of my sister's homes.  She was nearing her due date & asked for my support.  I stopped in a rest area so that my girls could use the toilet.  While I was crouched down, helping them dry their hands, I noticed that the entire population of the room was watching me like a fox in the hen house.  They kept that watchful eye until I left the restroom. 

I realized after the bathroom experience that by simply being me, without actively trying to pass, I no longer blend as a female. 

As a result, I am now full time without HRT.  I have hormonal issues which have given me the dirty upper lip facial hair & some beard hairs, along with large amounts of masculine body hair & muscle definition (among other things).  My name change will be finalized in a few days & at this point, HRT is just icing on the cake.

"I'd rather be hated for who I am than loved for who I'm not."

[vegie271]

I had been on HRT for about 12 years, I was actually passing in public a lot, I just need to figure out how to do all of the official paperwork and stuff, I needed connections, so I talked to my psychiatrist about it and checked the internet for PFLAG and got that connection to a place in my nearby city and started.

Changed my name on DL and court and on Birth certificate within a year. IT was either that or die. I had been through it all before.

It had all just been forced into the closet by reparative therapy anyway.

[Emmaline]

My last straw came before knowing what trans was, or that transition existed.

I suffered from depression,  and it just kept getting worse and worse. No obvious trigger, no reason.  Just total energy loss and suicidal thoughts.  The final straw was after nine months of barely existing, I went to the fridge to get a drink and my hands flew out to the pill shelf.  I just HAD to stuff everything there into my mouth and wash it down with everything toxic in the cupboard.  It was sub conscious. .. not reasoned... my subconscious had had enough.
Fortunately my wife was there, I got her to take me to help before I could do anything.

A couple of weeks of therapy and it clicked.  The moment I was aware of being trans, and that I could hormonally transition was just the most euphoric moment in my life.  There was no choice to be made... fem or dead.

[brianna1016]

I'm curious, what was the last straw for all of you that made you realize that transition was not an option to consider but a necessity?

I started writing a blog about how hard it was to be a straight man. Not just how hard it was for ME to be one, but how hard it was for All straight men. I honestly convinced myself that all guys hated being one as much as I did.

I remember shortly after that just being like " duuuuuuhhhh really!?  Am I really doing this!!?  "

its not like I didn't already know I was trans either, I was just so far into living this double life. That did it though, I simply gave up the fight and transition began shortly after.

Kinda funny isn't it;) !

[Oriah]

I was already 22 and I wanted to get the most out of HRT by starting younger

[Mogu]

I'd been considering the idea for a few years, but was always worried it was just a passing fancy or something. Then I had a breakdown one weekend where I was basically just crying for a good two days.

[Jill F]

There wasn't really a last straw moment for me.  I just evolved gradually until I was full time.  I hadn't even allowed myself to present en femme until just over a year ago.   I avoided transitioning like the plague just as I had avoided admitting to myself I was transgender, as I really feared the can of worms I was about to open.  My therapist told me to go on a low dose of estrogen just for the mental effects, even if I didn't want to transition.  The rest just fell into place naturally.  Turns out I was really just a girl all along and I'm much happier doing what I'm doing now.

 

[Adam (birkin)]

Well, I had chosen to delay HRT for my family for 2.5 years. But I finally reached the breaking point where I didn't care what I had to lose when I was in the grad office, about 7 am. I felt just...messed up and wrong, angry, depressed, just one of the worst feelings I had ever had. I called our province's mental health care centre, looking to book an appointment and she asked me "ok, can you tell me generally why you are calling?" I said "I'm just miserable. I hate my life, my emotions are all over the place, I'm standing in one place, I think I am going to go crazy. I can't find a way to live. I need someone to help me function and get back on my feet."

One of my friends was in there with me and she said "why can't you find a way to live? A way to live as what?" So I said "A way to live as a woman. Just for now. I just have to hold out for HRT, why am I such a weak and horrible person? I should be able to function as a girl until I'm in a better place to transition."

Her response has always stuck with me. She said "You can't function as a woman. That's the whole point! If you could find a way to be happy as a woman, you would be one, you wouldn't be waiting to transition."

It just hit me then that I was running myself into the ground. We looked up the endocrinologist's number and I called to make the soonest appointment possible. The next person I called was a friend, telling her I'd like to rent one of her rooms, as my parents told me I couldn't transition if I wanted to stay at home.

[Jessica Merriman]

My Dysphoria went into overdrive with things like a constant ringing in my ears, high blood pressure, nervousness that was ridiculous, etc. After I picked up the phone and made my first therapy appointment it started to subside. After a week of HRT it was gone. 40 years of ignoring what my body and mind was telling me as to who I am gone with the right hormone in my body. Life looks really good right now and I have human emotions for the first time in my life. Like they say, you go from black and white to "Wizard of Oz" color. 

[Ms Grace]

Like the proverbial final straw, for me it was a seemingly trivial event at work. They changed one of the single stall loos to women's only. Yeah, really. A lot of gender identity issues had been building up for a few years, and I had dealt with it by pushing them down and using my good old pals - Denial and Escapism - to cope. Those issues had been getting stronger and stronger last year and I was utterly miserable over the new year. Then, when that stupid little blue sign went up - "Women's" - I snapped. I felt so utterly rejected and humiliated I couldn't go back to work for almost two weeks. During that time though it became undeniable what my core issue was...unfinished business...time to restart transition. It wasn't a great time in my life, I have to laugh now about how trivial it seems now, but at the time it really was the final straw and I am indebted to it!

[Eva Marie]

I am a classic late term transitioner. All along I *knew* that I was "different" but since I grew up without the internet and no one knew what transgender meant back then (and if they did it would carry a dark stigma) I remained in blissful ignorance until I reached 45. I was constantly depressed, i had no feelings or emotions, was generally a miserable person, and I saw no purpose in my life so I turned to my good friend alcohol and he kept me company for most nights.

At 45 I began to have certain.... feelings. I still could not put a finger on what they were.

By the time I had reached 50 I knew exactly what the feelings were but I was in severe denial. I was turning to alcohol even more and went to bed drunk most nights, and went to work still drunk the next day. I knew what the personal cost was going to be if I did "that", so i refused to even think about it.

Sometime that summer I realized that I was on the road to killing myself 1 drink at a time, and I knew that if I didn't do something about myself I would soon occupy a coffin. That realization made the personal cost thing a non-issue. Also, i was disgusted at the person that I had become. This was my final straw.

I went to a therapist and pretty soon I had scraped off the layers of denial and had made changes in my life that removed most of the need to drink. I still fight it these days but I'm slowly getting ahead of it.

[JordanBlue]

My Dysphoria went into overdrive with things like a constant ringing in my ears, high blood pressure, nervousness that was ridiculous, etc. After I picked up the phone and made my first therapy appointment it started to subside. After a week of HRT it was gone. 40 years of ignoring what my body and mind was telling me as to who I am gone with the right hormone in my body. Life looks really good right now and I have human emotions for the first time in my life. Like they say, you go from black and white to "Wizard of Oz" color. 

>constant ringing in my ears, high blood pressure, nervousness that was ridiculous<
I have all of these right at this very moment.  My first GT appointment is tomorrow at 9am.