What was the last straw?

[Dana88]

I'm curious, what was the last straw for all of you that made you realize that transition was not an option to consider but a necessity?

For me, a lot of my fears about transitioning centered on future relationships with men and if I would ever find a man who would accept that I used to be male bodied and be willing to be in a romantic relationship with me. This was really incapacitating when I was in my half denial phase. I say half because I had accepted that I had some amount of gender incongruence, but I convinced myself that I could get on okay continuing to live as a gay man.

Anyway, I had been in one serious relationship and it was psychologically difficult to say the least. Once the glow of my first serious boyfriend wore off after a month or so, I was overtaken by extreme dysphoria. I wanted so badly to be a woman with him in a heterosexual relationship rather than a man with him in a homosexual relationship. So much so that eventually it tore us apart.

For the next few years I was largely celibate. I had the occasional one night stand, which was always awkward and uncomfortable, but other than that, nothing. Then finally I started dating someone else seriously and the same thing began to happen. I eventually realized that a successful and happy relationship as a gay man was never going to happen for me. So if I were to transition, if my worst case scenario fear was realized, I wouldn't really be in a worse position than I am now on the romance front. But at least I would be comfortable in my own skin and therefore be maximizing the potential of finding someone rather than crawling into a whole because I hate my body/gender role so much.

[Emily Aster]

This scenario you've described has been happening to me for about a decade now and yet it took me till about a week ago to realize that I couldn't just be trans once in awhile. I can't take being single for life and every relationship I'm in ends because they can't see me as a woman. So I either need to make the move or well let's not talk about that.

[Tristan]

When the doctors kept telling me I was going to have to stay in treatment longer and longer unless I did it

[eh-lyssa]

When my fears of transition shrank over the years (as fears tend to do) and my dysphoria grew (over the years) to exceed my fears. This crossover point is the point at which I decided I needed to transition. For me that happened at 39 years old.

[Northern Jane]

The last straw for me was the birth of my niece when I was 24. A lot of feelings and emotions that I had been trying very hard to suppress for much of my life came suddenly and forcefully to the surface. The first time I held my niece at a few days of age, I was hit by a tidal wave of maternal feelings and knew I couldn't go on. The following year, until SRS became available, was a constant dance with death but I made it by the skin of my teeth.

[boinamedsue]

I didn't have the ever-since-I-was-six inkling like some trans folks, but definitely remember the exact moment when I realized that I was trans.

I was in my first year of my doctoral program and I was volunteering for International Women's day at my university. I was supposed to be carrying displays, decor, information packets etc to where the event was being held. It was absolutely pouring outside. I was wearing sensible girly clothing: jean jeggings, ballet flats, polka-dot cardigan and a lace-trimmed cami. I had long, flowing curly red hair. I remember feeling amorphously anxious, unable to pin-point the origin of my anxiety. I thought that this was due to the stress of organizing and getting the event off the ground. Once all of the materials got inside, I had to walk back to my car. The rain intensified and totally soaked me. I distinctly remember my long curls sticking to my face. My soaked jeggings felt suffocating. I felt the urge to scream rise in me and I had the intense desire to find a pair of scissors and cut my hair off as soon as possible. I remember getting in the car, starting the engine, and putting on my seatbelt...and screaming. One loud scream: "WHAT THE F*** AM I DOING?!" and I started to cry. I cried and cried. It felt like I was in the car for hours, hyperventilating. I took several deep breaths and collected myself as best as I could and drove home. I immediately called a local salon to schedule a hair appointment. My hair had to go.

In the next few days, I felt drained and depressed. I finally knew "what was wrong with me."

[Jennygirl]

I was "crossdressing" at a big group event and someone shouted "PRE OP!" at me, rather rudely, but I publicly laughed it off because I was still hiding at that point even to myself.. I had convinced myself I was "in costume".

Then all sorts of funny realizations started bubbling up. Indeed I had been growing my hair out for 2 years already and padding my hips since I was 13, dressing in tight pants and finding great enjoyment in being "mistaken" for a girl.

Leading up to Halloween I decided I would go "all out" with my "costume". To myself, it was an excuse to feminize every part of my life.. and there was nothing I could do to stop it at that point. I knew I could never go back. It was obvious who I was meant to be.

[Tristan]

I was "crossdressing" at a big group event and someone shouted "PRE OP!" at me, rather rudely, but I publicly laughed it off because I was still hiding at that point even to myself.. I had convinced myself I was "in costume".

Then all sorts of funny realizations started bubbling up. Indeed I had been growing my hair out for 2 years already and padding my hips since I was 13, dressing in tight pants and finding great enjoyment in being "mistaken" for a girl.

Leading up to Halloween I decided I would go "all out" with my "costume". To myself, it was an excuse to feminize every part of my life.. and there was nothing I could do to stop it at that point. I knew I could never go back. It was obvious who I was meant to be.

Wow. That's a pretty cool story. What made you feel the need to deny it for so long even when you were dressing as a girl?

[Jennygirl]

Wow. That's a pretty cool story. What made you feel the need to deny it for so long even when you were dressing as a girl?

Years of built up shame made it (in some ways) easier to keep delaying. I was pretty well accustomed to sublimating my feelings of dysphoria into other mental energies.

Another huge thing for me was the deterioration of my most recent long term relationship. It signalled the perfect time to really go through with the transition.

It all kind of came to a head at once... Really convenient actually

[Tristan]

Years of built up shame made it (in some ways) easier to keep delaying. I was pretty well accustomed to sublimating my feelings of dysphoria into other mental energies.

Another huge thing for me was the deterioration of my most recent long term relationship. It signalled the perfect time to really go through with the transition.

It all kind of came to a head at once... Really convenient actually

Wow .. Ok I guess I should say I'm 20% sorry for the little but you did lose out on and congratulations for the 80% you gained girl.

[michelle]

When I was 57 years old,  the whole male world that I had tried to create came crashing down, when I came home from work and my wife of 27 years left me an angry note on the door of our mobile home saying she was out of there and our marriage was over.   According to her our whole life together simply stunk, and she was going to go off and do what she wanted to.   

I had dreamed of growing old together and being the grandparents for our kids that I never had.   By the time of my birth my grand parents were either dead or bed ridden in a convalescent home.   My ex's parents had died before I meant her.   My dad had died when I was thirteen and alcohol created emotional turmoil in my family from that point on so they made poor grandparents for my kids.

I basically, became Michelle, and Michael died to me.   I came to the conclusion that in life everyone else was going to look after their own needs because they told me that anything I had done for my family, I didn't need to do, so that any idea that I had about shared responsibility with my ex for our family and to each other was a fantasy.

I decided that I need to look after myself and my own emotional needs.  It has taken years for the walls of fear about becoming my own female self have come tumbling down.   Now I would not dream of shopping for men's clothes ever.  I don't quibble about rather people call me sir or mam or insist that I can't be female because I have male parts.

I know that I am a woman and on my profile on Facebook and everywhere else state that I am a transgender woman.  Because that's who I am and I will never live by what others choose to make of me because I know who I am.

So the NSA has it in all of the files that they are keeping on me and all future employers will be able to find out that I am a transgender woman and have declared it publically.   

As far as sexual relationships go, I am all for sex.  But having dealt with the results of sex,  I fathered six kids, and raised four more.   I taught school for over thirty years with all of the emotional drama that children bring, that the thought of bringing any more children into this world keeps me from even considering sex where children are possible.   My girl friend feels the same way about having any more kids, and she has never been able to use the pill because it makes her sick.   

As far as having sexual relations with a man, I have an emotional commitment to a woman and we have a 10 year old son.   I don't hide my femininity from him because what would be the point.    I have had enough emotional turmoil in my life, so I just like to keep it simple.   While sex is fun and I enjoy it, it also creates emotional turmoil in my life.   Besides I have never been much of a sex magnet.

I am trying to live as honestly as I can because there has been so much dishonesty in my life, and after all kids want to be who they are.  So I feel after all these years I have the right to be who I am.

As far a hormones and surgery go, I will deal with them as they become possible in my life.   God willing they will be, or God willing they won't.  I am unemployed and living on Social Security and hope that some day Medicare or one of its Advantage Insurances will cover hormones, and even surgery.   My penis, I tuck inside me and pretend he doesn't exist.   He kinda stays tucked.

[SonadoraXVX]

When I was 44 years old and 5 months away from my 45th birthday, I realized I could not postpone what I wanted to do at a deep subconscious level.

[Anatta]

Kia Ora

Re: What was the last straw?

Mother Nature turned up the mental pressure - 'conform' (correct the body)  or else 'lose the plot'...
I chose the former...however some might dispute this... saying I opted for the latter 

Metta Zenda

[Carrie Liz]

For me, it was when I stumbled on to Youtube videos of HRT timelines for the very first time. For years, I had been telling myself "It would never work," because I thought that I was too masculine to ever pass as a girl or to get any of the features that I really wanted like soft skin or a feminine face and the like.

As soon as I saw HRT timelines for the first time, and learned that it really was possible to pretty much completely change one's gender appearance with hormones alone, that was it. Nothing was going to hold me back once I finally found out about that.

[Tessa James]

I think about hundreds of straws pilling up over a lifetime of denial and hiding.  Then, about 8 months ago after attending a Transgender presentation by our local diversity committee, I started to take the straws away and lift the veils of fear and shame.  My big turn around came very quickly and saying out loud that "I am transgender" substantially altered my life.  Hope returned for the future and every step since then has confirmed that my past fantasy/dream is now coming true.  I live free and fully as a the feminine person that once shadowed my existence.   I enjoy becoming more the Tessa I was once so afraid of.  It is so very good to be on this side of transitioning!   Change is a certainty and being able to direct more of this transformation is incredibly positive.
My therapist asked me what I would be willing to give up to pursue transitioning and my final conclusion was "everything about being a man."  Each step forward from dressing and presenting as Tessa to now loving my feminizing form feels exquisitely right. 

Tessa James

[JLT1]

Issue Raised:  My wife said I never smiled anymore.....

Serious questioning for the first time:  I had gone to an endocrinologist per recommendation of my GP because my breasts had started growing for unknown reasons and male parts were hurting intermittently.  I mean, I had an appointment with a surgeon to cut my breasts off and this was simply follow-up!  The endo ran a bunch of tests and as we were going over the results, she was staring at my developing chest and said I really needed to have them cut off.  My mind agreed and my body jumped back, startling us both.  At that point, I realized something serious was wrong.  I went to a psychologist.

Problem Identified:  I was talking with my psychologist and she was telling me that I had very few female desires and that I would be an ugly woman.  That statement pierced like I had been shot.  I couldn't even think.  Stunned, I left.  The next week, I brought it up, intending to address what she had said and I started crying uncontrollably, confusing myself at the intensity of the emotion.  Fighting my tears and loosing, I told her "That hurt like h***".  She looked at me, shocked, reached out a hand and apologized.  She and I both understood. 

The Decision to Move Forward: I got upset at another endocrinologist (referral number 4), when out,  bought my first real bra, put it on and went to see my psychologist.  I told her my body is becoming female and I'm going to go along with it.
   
When I knew it was right:  While there have been times since starting HRT that I have felt it was correct, I didn't quite find the inner peace and I've been stuck.  Then, yesterday, I had the definitive tests to see why this is physically happening.  I was looking at the MRI portion of the tests, trying to figure out things (no official results until Wednesday) and I realized, I can wait, beyond some physical pain, which I can endure, they will figure it out and it really doesn't matter why. 

I know this seems weird. That's because it is weird.  Just imagine being on this side of the weird. But I have learned that whatever else I am: I am transgendered, I am a woman, I am Jennifer, I am happy and I smile.

[Sammy]

I was in prolonged state of depression for several months and my usual coping mechanisms all failed. Then I discovered that old PC game "Second Life" made an account and out of curiosity created female avatar. The next two weeks just blew my mind, because the way I interacted with other players, the intimate female-only communication... It all caused extreme dysphoria to me and I suddenly recognised that those are the same feelings of sadness and longing from my childhood and teen years.
So I started to dig up any information I could and after several articles on psychology and TS/TG issues, I fully realised that nothing has gone away, it was inside of me for all those years, though in deep denial, and the worst part of it - it is not going to go away ever.
Afterwards, I had to accept that there is simply no choice or the choice is "to be or not to be".

[ZoeM]

I'd been actively thinking about the possibility for probably two years at that point (late last March). But I didn't think transition was really an effective option, and my desire wasn't strong enough to seriously consider it.
So I had a three-week-long epiphany of sorts - my desire finally reached critical mass, and I realized I could maybe pull this off - no, really.
Still, it took three weeks of staring at the phone before I could work myself up to calling a therapist. By the time of our second meeting I was certain of my fate.

And the rest is history.

[big kim]

I was a mess an eating disorder dropped my weight to 154 pound,way to little for a 6'4" guy.I was seriously wasted on beer,speed and weed and had spent the last 3 years as a punchbag for my violent shoplifting ex  girl friend with a bigger alcohol problem than mine.I realised that my gender problem had got worse over the last 11 years that it wasn't going away and it would be easier to deal with at 32 than 42 if I put it off another 10 years.My dysphoria was greater than my fear I had to do it,I doubt i would have lived much longer not by suicide but by accident.Many times I started a fire by frying food when drunk or fell asleep in the bath.

[Naomi]

Early in my teens I started having a desire that I was female, but I ignored it and labeled it as crazy. Then one day it was like my blindfold was ripped off and I know that it was just who I am. That kind of plunged me into a really confused and emotional state and I knew that I couldn't live like that.