Pandora's Box

[Keira]

I feel like over the past few months I've opened Pandora's box. I've explored the part of me that I locked away for so many years, and now I can't push her back inside me.

My dysphoria is getting to the point where if I don't/can't do anything about it, it's going to slowly kill me (inside and out). I'm back in that dark place where I don't feel emotion anymore.

Right now, I can't do much with transitioning, and my life is being unnecessarily put on hold by "the gatekeepers that be". Just because they're afraid of doing more harm than good, which they are doing right now by putting my life in limbo.

I've never been this hopeless before, and it's starting to wear on me.

I don't know how much more s*** I can take.

Worst of all, I'm regretting that I let her out in the first place.

[Edit]

I have given my doctor all the information he needs to prescribe hrt, but he still inists that I should spend a few hundred dollars just to fly to a clinic, because "he's not qualified".

[Ltl89]

I know how you feel Skye.  The medical establishment really doesn't cater to the trans community.  They expect us to see multiple doctors, take major time out of our schedules, and pay ridiculous costs for treatments that should be fairly simple.  But we are forced to play their game if we want to be who we are.  It's kind of sad.  I know how you feel and have my own gripes with the medical community; however, we need to look on the bright side and find a solution.  I'm really hoping that everything works out for you.

[Keira]

I know how you feel Skye.  The medical establishment really doesn't cater to the trans community.  They expect us to see multiple doctors, take major time out of our schedules, and pay ridiculous costs for treatments that should be fairly simple.  But we are forced to play their game if we want to be who we are.  It's kind of sad.  I know how you feel and have my own gripes with the medical community; however, we need to look on the bright side and find a solution.  I'm really hoping that everything works out for you.

No matter how much I try or what I do, I can't change the fact that fate wants to screw me over at every turn. If I was an RPG character, my luck would be zero.

Out of the amount of times I have been close to suicide...I've never been as close as right now.

I thank you for trying to help me, but it seems
like I can't find a reasonable solution, and even if I found one it would surely backfire.

[Beth Andrea]

Are you under the care of a therapist for your depression? I understand the need for the gender dysphoria to go away, but depression really affects the rational part of the mind.

At the least, since your doctor doesn't want to do HRT without further consultation...try and find another one.

Also, try not to talk yourself out of plans...like when you say "even if I found one it would surely backfire", at least try the plan. Even if it does backfire, that gives you something to examine as to why, specifically, it backfired.

Types of questions you might ask yourself after something backfires:

Maybe you presented yourself as being too mentally/emotionally unstable for HRT/transition?
Maybe the doc is biased against LGBTQ?
Maybe some days you are less emotional or more emotional? (Can you predict them?)

*hugs*

Good luck! And remember--this too shall pass. Even if you're in the darkest days right now...that just means brighter days and better times are ahead! Try not to end it before the good days happen!

[kyh]

Forgive me if I'm wrong, but I thought that your doctor was willing to cooperate, and that it was in fact you who wanted to take things slow. Like start with spiro for just a month, check if everything's okay, then add estrogen.

Did your doctor change his mind? In one of your other posts you described him as being very compliant.

I'm sorry things are like this though... But don't give up! It's not the end of the world. Maybe you *will* have to spend that money on the flight... Think of it as an investment. You'll earn your initial loss back in more ways than one someday.

[Keira]

Forgive me if I'm wrong, but I thought that your doctor was willing to cooperate, and that it was in fact you who wanted to take things slow. Like start with spiro for just a month, check if everything's okay, then add estrogen.

Did your doctor change his mind? In one of your other posts you described him as being very compliant.

I'm sorry things are like this though... But don't give up! It's not the end of the world. Maybe you *will* have to spend that money on the flight... Think of it as an investment. You'll earn your initial loss back in more ways than one someday.

Well, apparently doctors are allowed to say that they will prescribe hrt, and then tell you the next visit that they don't have the experience. At least, that's basically the treatment I got.

I'm sorry, Im not going to be forced into flying to Vancouver because my doctor won't prescribe hrt; EVEN THOUGH I GAVE HIM ALL THE INFORMATION HE NEEDED.

[CalmRage]

Well, apparently doctors are allowed to say that they will prescribe hrt, and then tell you the next visit that they don't have the experience. At least, that's basically the treatment I got.

I'm sorry, Im not going to be forced into flying to Vancouver because my doctor won't prescribe hrt; EVEN THOUGH I GAVE HIM ALL THE INFORMATION HE NEEDED.

But killing oneself is not a solution either.

[Keira]

Beth Andrea,

My depression is pretty much caused by my dysphoria. I can't get rid of the one until I treat the other. And yes, I have a local "gatekeeper".

Every time I came for an appointment with my GP I was always prepared with the right information, and I wasn't unstable.

[Keira]

But killing oneself is not a solution either.

Eh, get busy living or get busy dying.

[Ltl89]

Skye, what about your counsellor?  Have you asked for the letters?  If your doctor doesn't work out, I'm sure you can get the letter from your therapist?  Please there is always a solution. 

[Keira]

Skye, what about your counsellor?  Have you asked for the letters?  If your doctor doesn't work out, I'm sure you can get the letter from your therapist?  Please there is always a solution.

We'll see what my counsellor says next week about the letter. If he's just going to gatekeep, than that was my last option.

I'm not in immediate danger of suicide, but if I don't find a solution then that will be the outcome.

[CalmRage]

Eh, get busy living or get busy dying.

Don't do this to your family and don't do this to US.

[Ltl89]

We'll see what my counsellor says next week about the letter. If he's just going to gatekeep, than that was my last option.

I'm not in immediate danger of suicide, but if I don't find a solution then that will be the outcome.

Okay, so there is some way that might work.  Please try to be positive.  Believe me, I know it's not easy.  I got approved and still have to pay ridiculous amount of money for things that should be simple.   Transitioning is not easy, but it's worth the struggle if it's right for you.  In your case, it seems like it is.  So please keep on fighting.  You'll do well. 

[kyh]

I'm sorry, Im not going to be forced into flying to Vancouver because my doctor won't prescribe hrt; EVEN THOUGH I GAVE HIM ALL THE INFORMATION HE NEEDED.

Sometimes you have to give in to the corruption. Sometimes the only way is to pander to their ignorance and do what they say, even if you know in your heart you deserve better.

I do recommend you try other options first though. But if worst comes to worst... It's still better than self medicating or hurting yourself.

[Keira]

Sometimes you have to give in to the corruption. Sometimes the only way is to pander to their ignorance and do what they say, even if you know in your heart you deserve better.

I do recommend you try other options first though. But if worst comes to worst... It's still better than self medicating or hurting yourself.

I wish I could do that, but my conscience screams "NO!".

I'm not going to be willingly treated like a child or an idiot by a bunch of gatekeepers.

[kyh]

I wish I could do that, but my conscience screams "NO!".

I'm not going to be willingly treated like a child or an idiot by a bunch of gatekeepers.

Alright, exhaust all your other options first before you consider this again. I know you can do this, you can make it. We're all here for you.

*hugs tightly* I know it's tough. It's really tough to be in this situation.

[Ltl89]

Skye,

I really hate seeing you hurt like this.  I know this sounds weird, given the fact that we really don't know each other, but I really care about you.  I see everyone on this site as a part of an important family.  We are a rare breed and all of us have a special connection that others will never experience.  Everyone here is important to me and I hate to see a brother or sister struggle.  Please don't drive yourself crazy.  You may get an hrt letter very soon and then you can deal with an endocrinologist instead of your doctor.  Things CAN work out.  Don't get too down or go hurt yourself.  It would pain everyone here to see you do such a thing.  We all really do care about you and we're all here.  Before you do anything, please give the therapist a shot.  I'm sure it will work out.  And if you ever need someone to talk to, please don't hesitate to contact me.  Think positive thoughts.

[Keira]

Skye,

I really hate seeing you hurt like this.  I know this sounds weird, given the fact that we really don't know each other, but I really care about you.  I see everyone on this site as a part of an important family.  We are a rare breed and all of us have a special connection that others will never experience.  Everyone here is important to me and I hate to see a brother or sister struggle.  Please don't drive yourself crazy.  You may get an hrt letter very soon and then you can deal with an endocrinologist instead of your doctor.  Things CAN work out.  Don't get too down or go hurt yourself.  It would pain everyone here to see you do such a thing.  We all really do care about you and we're all here.  Before you do anything, please give the therapist a shot.  I'm sure it will work out.  And if you ever need someone to talk to, please don't hesitate to contact me.  Think positive thoughts.

If anything Im actually hating the thought of going back to my counsellor...because I hate being treated like an idiot. I know the consequences and pros of hrt, I don't need to be held back...

And I know that's what he's going to do, and I can't do a single thing about it.

But I'll wait and see what happens...

My problem is that Im too rational, I can usually predict the outcome of an event by analyzing a person. And when I decide to be positive, I throw logic to the wind by hoping for the best. And then when the negative outcome occurs, I hit the bottom.

I appreciate the fact that you (along with everyone else) care so much, but I can't live in agony for the rest of my life. For me suicide is not an irrational choice, it's one I have to make when I have no more options.

[kyh]

I appreciate the fact that you (along with everyone else) care so much, but I can't live in agony for the rest of my life. For me suicide is not an irrational choice, it's one I have to make when I have no more options.

You *always* have other options. *Always*

If you can't think of any, we'll help you think of solutions.