I made a later in life realization

[hazeofconfusion]

Hello, all.  I feel the need to introduce my self, and stop lurking, and see what you think of my situation.

I am 29, born female, but never felt the need to fill the female role.  I am told, and know, I act look, dress like a guy, always have.  I despise female clothing, and feel very fake when I must wear even dressier female clothing for special occasions (never wear makeup).  I realized in my early 20's that I was bi, seeing I am very attracted to women, emotionally, romantically, but with men....I like them, until I realize that they like me, lol.  Then I get extremely uncomfortable and push them away.  I thought of this a lot recently, and it shocked me to think, well, if I was a guy, then I would like men way more.  The fact that they like me as a woman, want to treat me as one, is what I think made me uncomfortable.  I never wanted to be "the wife", pregnancy to me seems alien, like how am I the one to get pregnant, and being seen in a female role in society is what I believe feels the strangest.

Is it more of me being anti-feminine that is the problem? How I wear  my hear, clothes, despise makeup and when younger, and a bit still, pass due to my voice and hairstyle, or is it deeper? Back in January this year, I was showering, and thought, randomly, that life would be better if I was a guy, and the thoughts went from there to guy attire, jobs, social roles, looking like one, and it made me smile--which totally freaked me out then. I mean, I was like "you weirdo, just stop thinking like that".  Well, a few days ago, the same thought hit me, I am very uncomfortable with the thought, like, why now after all this time, but again, it feels right.  I don't know what to do.

An important thing is I never really thought of myself as a boy or girl, growing up, just me.  I have thought, and even though my gyno told me the opposite quite recently, that my private parts looked way more masculine than feminine.  I can't give more detail than that, but maybe that is why I don't see myself as a girl, because, my body isn't a "normal" female body below the waist to me.  I hated puberty, and even before, I never liked my upper body shown, even in modest clothing, it felt weird to accentuate that part of me.  I hated bathing suits for the same reason.  I never really showed interest in dating anyone, still don't care to.  If I had to chose, and this is weird, I would rather date guys, as a guy, than date them as a girl, due to how I would be seen in the relationship, in the "girl/woman" role.  Anyone else have THAT feeling?!

So, what are your thoughts? I never had the "I'm a boy" thoughts growing up, but never felt stereotypically like a girl, like ever.  Is it more that I a masculine feminist, who wants to be not be seen in a dainty feminine role, or did my "lightbulb moment" just come later in life?  I know from reading that things like being transgender is more than society roles, clothing and hobbies, but if society is telling us what roles we are to fill due to our perceived gender, well, isn't that the same thing as not wanting to fill those roles, and run away screaming in the opposite direction?!

[Mr.X]

A lot of what you wrote could have been written by me. I felt the same. My realization also came relatively late in life. At first when I was around 17, then I hid it until I was 21 until I realized something had to be done. At least, late compared to a lot of guys on here.

What you said about being in a relationship was what pushed me into realizing I was transgender. A guy liked me, and I liked him. But as soon as things were getting slightly serious, I freaked out. I didn't want to be the girl. Not to him, not to everyone else who would see us as a couple. It felt wrong. And the mere idea of having sex as a girl was repulsive.

As a kid I never really thought about gender roles. Boys and girls were mostly alike. I played with both genders, and always did boy stuff, even with girls. No one questioned it. We just had fun. So we have that in common too.

After that, growing up was tough, because yes, boys and girls are pushed into genderoles. And my body changed into something I didn't want. I envied the boys for their bodies. Growing tall, strong...All I got was hips and fat. And yeah, the clothes and other girly things. I hated it. Transgender is indeed more than clothes and the likes. It is also about your own body. There are different kinds of dysphoria.

Have you considered contacting a therapist about your feelings? Age does not matter, and 29 is still rather young. He or she might be able to help you sort your feelings out.

[Simon]

I know from reading that things like being transgender is more than society roles, clothing and hobbies, but if society is telling us what roles we are to fill due to our perceived gender, well, isn't that the same thing as not wanting to fill those roles, and run away screaming in the opposite direction?!

Hmm, maybe I'm not completely understanding what you're getting at but here's my take on it never the less. There is no reason to feel like you have to fit some sort of gender role that is deemed acceptable by society. There are plenty of masculine women/feminine men in the world who are or are not trans.

I'm sure there are plenty of reasons why someone transitions but doing it just to escape what society believes is acceptable is an iffy reason, imo. Why did I transition? I want a male body. The old "trapped in the wrong body" rings true for me. It really didn't have anything to do with gender roles, clothing, relationships, or hobbies. I am doing it because I am a man that was unfortunate enough to be born in the wrong body, that's it.

Are you trans? I don't know. That is something you're going to have to reach deep inside yourself and figure out. However, don't feel like you're late in life to do this. I know of trans people in their 60's who are in transition. It's never too late/early to discover who you truly are.

[hazeofconfusion]

Mr. X- Wow, we are pretty similar it seems.  That makes me feel a bit better, knowing that my thoughts and feelings make sense to someone else.  Less alone.  The thought of sex, with a guy, is exactly that, repulsive. Like their parts go where?! Why?!  *Runs away screaming*

You made me snort unlady-like with the "getting hips" comment, as I dislike mine too, way too feminine looking (thighs too). 

I do see a therapist, due to pretty bad OCD, but it is not even remotely related to this as I dislike germy things.  I am on medication for it as well.

Simon- I get that I don't have to do so, but it is also that I don't want to either.

I think the fact that I wasn't treated as a girl, for the most part, and was allowed to be who I am, and still am, made me not want to conform as well, nor really think of gender until more recently.  Now that I am older, and female friends are marrying and having babies, I realize that I don't want that, it scares me to think of being married to a guy, and having to worry about getting pregnant, or doing so *ew*.  It just seems like a really bad dream that kind of future, yet being with another woman, which I am attracted to, seems rather odd as well, for they would like me for my body (like guys do now), but not for me. 


Again, to me, anatomically, I don't see myself as female? Deluisional? Maybe, but from what I heard from doctors, and family, growing up (not any longer, oddly),was that others might view me differently as well due to not being completely " normal".

It does make me feel better that I still have time to think this through, but part of me really likes the idea (and is terrified too), of moving forward and being free of my gender. 

[Jack_M]

In terms of being later in realising, I only just started T and I'm 28.  You're not that late.  Plenty start far later into their lives.  For me it was a lot of denial but I personally did have the always wanting to be a boy thing.  That's the beauty of this forum, you realise how everyone comes from different backgrounds and feelings prior to transition (or even questioning it like yourself).  My best friend is almost identical to me in every way but for the fact that they are comfortable as a masculine female, so it's not like there's a definitive outward indication, it's all about internal feelings and what is essentially right for you.

I know from reading that things like being transgender is more than society roles, clothing and hobbies, but if society is telling us what roles we are to fill due to our perceived gender, well, isn't that the same thing as not wanting to fill those roles, and run away screaming in the opposite direction?!

Society is telling us what?  I'm not sure if I'm reading this right, and feel free to correct me, but this statement comes across as a little degrading to women to be honest.  When it comes to fitting gender roles, then I really don't see that as being a reason to transition.  It's just not a factor in first world countries.  Women can do anything men can do, and either can do it better than the other.  Transitioning because of societal standing isn't something that should really be considered, in fact it's something I've been accused of, and it's just an entirely wrong reason to transition!  That's more going into the idea of fighting binarism.  While I myself am a more masculine (as society recognises it) man, there are many effeminate men.  It's not about masculinity or expectations.  There can be women in construction jobs and men working in daycare.  It's not about what is expected of either sex.  It's more what YOU feel comfortable with, not what society expects of one as a woman or man. 

I never ever felt like society expected something specific of me because of the body I had.  I just feel that I don't feel right about being female and that I want the look and physique of a guy.  I feel like my brain is wired to be male.  I go back to my best mate; we're like peas in a pod and will always be best mates.  We have the same tastes, do the same activities, watch the same TV shows and films, go to the same events, have the same humour, have similar or identical clothing (we often bought the same tees, hoodies or trainers - always from guys section), and hang out with the same crowds, but she's happy being female bodied, whereas I'm not.  She's not fitting a role, and neither am I.  It's just my comfort and internal feelings.

When it comes to thinking your body parts don't look female despite you being told they are, that's concerning and you should definitely talk to someone about these issues and your feelings.  Dysphoria can be a major problem for transgendered individuals because of a hyper awareness over how their body parts are not like the parts they should have to suit their gender.  I'd be worried with denial of that level (apparently being caused by prior issues) that maybe one day the dam breaks.  This is more likely to happen if you do go through transitioning because many of us obsess over the idea of passing and that can lead to obsessing over body parts.  If that dam breaks and you find yourself finding body parts feminine when you didn't before, you might struggle to cope with that.  Dysphoria in that case could be far more damaging, especially if you have OCD, even if related more to germs, it's an obsessive disorder and gives you a greater likelihood of obsessing over dysphoria.  So I urge you to discuss these feelings (and all the rest) with someone.

[hazeofconfusion]

Thanks, Jack, for the very in-depth answer.

I didn't mean to sound degrading towards anyone, but I just didn't know how else to say things. I understand it is not about societal roles, but when you are told one way or another, all of your life, how you are to act, be, future, etc, and you just despise what you are to do, and your gender as well, I can't see how to separate the two all that much.  Like, you feel like you are trying to be your gender, instead of just being so; ie- I hate makeup, wear guy clothes, and know I can do whatever I want as a woman, but I don't want to be seen as one, and really, never was treated as one gender or the other (until I got older of course).

I get what you say of your female friend, and I guess that is where I differ from her, as I don't like certain parts of anatomy, like the end of my last post.  And, on that note....

The dysphoria.   I was born very, very early.  I noticed in the past that my anatomy was not like a normal females, certain parts where larger than the should be for  a "normal" girl.  Due to the size, still, I have an obvious "something" hanging below the usual parts, which to me, is my "penis".  Does that make more sense?  My OB said that it is a normal variant some woman have, and I could have surgery to make it smaller, so I am not totally nuts here!  My family even jokes, still, that "maybe I was really a boy", so I don't think it is just me.  I also had a larger amount than normal of testosterone as  young girl, but my other levels of hormones seemed normal, from what I understood of reading through paperwork I recently found.  When I heard the term "intersex" as an older child, I immediately thought that is me, so this isn't a recent discovery.

How would I even bring this up to my therapist? We talked of sexual orientation early on, so I don't think she would freak about this, but for me, it is embarrassing.  Advice, please?

[Simon]

Have you read about being Intersex? It might be something you should research and then ask your doctors about. Technically I'm intersex as diagnosed by my hysto surgeon because I have male glands. I was also born without a vaginal opening. I still identify as Transgender/Transsexual because honestly I feel alone as it is...if I put myself in an even smaller minority it'd just be depressing. I don't normally talk about it because it bothers me but do know that you're not alone being different. Just research into it.

As far as bringing it out to your current therapist you have to ask yourself how comfortable she is with GLBT issues. There are therapists who specialize in gender therapy but if the one you're with now is open about topics of this nature then by all means discuss it with her.

[insideontheoutside]

I think the fact that I wasn't treated as a girl, for the most part, and was allowed to be who I am, and still am, made me not want to conform as well, nor really think of gender until more recently.  Now that I am older, and female friends are marrying and having babies, I realize that I don't want that, it scares me to think of being married to a guy, and having to worry about getting pregnant, or doing so *ew*.  It just seems like a really bad dream that kind of future, yet being with another woman, which I am attracted to, seems rather odd as well, for they would like me for my body (like guys do now), but not for me. 


Again, to me, anatomically, I don't see myself as female? Deluisional? Maybe, but from what I heard from doctors, and family, growing up (not any longer, oddly),was that others might view me differently as well due to not being completely " normal".

It does make me feel better that I still have time to think this through, but part of me really likes the idea (and is terrified too), of moving forward and being free of my gender.

I can relate to you in that I wasn't fully treated like a girl growing up either. From day one though I've been male, but I remember when I was younger I never really thought much about gender. Other kids thought I was male, because I looked male and I'd pitch a fit if my mom dressed me in anything feminine. It just felt wrong. I also don't have the most "normal" looking female parts downstairs ... although doctors have said it's "within the range of female" I've never considered that I have a "clit". That's just not how my brain works. I also abhor the thought of playing some sort of "female role" in society. I've never had penetrative sex with another dude, though I'm ok with making out with other dudes and stuff like that. So I'd consider myself bi as well. If being pregnant was a possibility for me I would never go there. I think I have a legit phobia of such a thing. The whole thought of it just creeps me out big time. I honestly don't know how women do it.

I guess I'm lucky in a way that I am actually married (the guy I married is totally asexual), I have a career in which gender roles don't matter at all (in fact, plenty of "creative" types break those rules all the time), and I can generally live my life without too much issue. I look pretty androgynous, I dress in male clothing 90% of the time (and the female clothing I have is really just androgynous as well), my mannerisms and the way I talk (even though my voice isn't super deep) are pretty male (I even get sir'd sometimes and people then "correct" themselves), and I've got a few close friends who know my big "secret" who treat me male. I still have some body issues, but for the most part I just live my life and I'm not transitioning ... I'm just being me.

[ChrisRokk]

What Jack said, basically.... 29 is not "later in life" at all.

It is very hard to scare a therapist, so don't worry too much.  Dysphoria is in the DSM-V; it's not even called gender identity disorder anymore because psychologists do not want to make being trans sound like a pathological condition.  If your current therapist doesn't want to discuss it, then it's probably time to get one who is a little less outdated.  Given that you have already discussed sexual orientation, she's probably game, so I'd say go for it.

[dpadgett628]

Are you trans? I don't know. That is something you're going to have to reach deep inside yourself and figure out. However, don't feel like you're late in life to do this. I know of trans people in their 60's who are in transition. It's never too late/early to discover who you truly are.

I'm with Simon on this one. It will take only you searching deep within yourself to determine if the term "transgender" really fits you. How long it takes doesn't matter, do it when you're 6 or 60 or anywhere in between, it only matters that you're comfortable and happy with yourself. You are the maker of your own destiny.

How would I even bring this up to my therapist? We talked of sexual orientation early on, so I don't think she would freak about this, but for me, it is embarrassing.  Advice, please?

When I first came to the realization, I was seeing a therapist that specialized in addiction(note: she only succeeded in making me turn to my addiction more, so having a competent therapist is key) and not gender, so it was an awkward subject to bring up. But I just kind of went in one day and after the whole "'how've you been's'" I just went "I'm having gender identity problems, I think I'm actually a boy." Then I changed therapists soon after, but you just kind of go from there. Its like driving, once you start it up and start rolling, eventually you get to the highway. So, once you get it out, it just progresses

[aleon515]

I'm way over 40. I feel you aren't ever too late. Have you read in the androgyne section? Perhaps that fits you? I don't know. You can also read in here and see what fits how you feel. What you say could have described me. I didn't feel any gender, but when I was quite a lot younger I identified more male. I have gotten back in touch with that, I guess.
--Jay

[FTMDiaries]

I'm in my 40s; I first wanted to transition when I was 19 but the medical options back then were woefully inadequate so I went into denial for 21 years before finally coming to a point where I had no choice but to transition. So yeah, as others have said, 29 isn't that old.   It doesn't matter how old you are when you come to the realisation that you might be trans*; the only thing that matters is that you come to the realisation.

I knew since I was five that I wasn't a girl and I felt like a boy, but whilst my parents made a few concessions (such as letting me cut my hair in a short girls' style and letting me wear girls' shorts & t-shirts instead of dresses) I was told that I was definitely a girl and couldn't possibly be a boy. So I couldn't apply the title of 'girl' to myself because I honestly didn't feel that way... but I couldn't call myself a boy because everyone told me I wasn't allowed to be one. Puberty was a nightmare for me too, and I've had a serious, lifelong disconnect with my body ever since it started at age 7. I cannot associate with any part of my body below my neck; I can't look in the mirror and I can't look at myself when I wash.

So what's next? It'd be a good idea for you to discuss your feelings with a Gender Therapist, who will help you explore how you feel about your gender and whether you want to do anything about it. Your regular therapist might be a good place to start, but not all therapists are familiar with Gender Dysphoria so you might want to look for someone more specialised. There are some good resources here at Susan's to help you find one near you: https://www.susans.org/Healthcare/Therapists_and_Counselors/