Throwing it all away

[ChelseaAnn]

I am seeking some advice from people, because now that I am in the trans community, I realize there are people who are going through/have gone through much worse than I will. However, the feelings of guilt I'm dealing with are what I struggle the most with.

I'm married 2 years, dated for 6 before the wedding. We have a 2.5 month old son. Everything would have been easier if I'd taken time for myself and figured things out when I wasn't dating, but I was too scared of what I'd find to do that.

The feelings of guilt I get stem from what I imagine a lot of other transgenders are going through. I feel like all these years I've been cheating on my wife. Every day, when I put on her clothing, feels like I've been unfaithful. The worst part is talking to her about the future.

My stomach twists every time she mentions having another baby in a few years. Every time we talk about our son being old, I feel nauseous. We are planning a trip to Disney for next December with my parents and brother. I cannot even imagine the horrible resentment I'll receive. Sort of like a "why'd you wait" or, "why couldn't this wait".

I know a lot of people say I'll be surprised at who accepts things, but the thing that eats me from inside out is what might happen. I know our community has legal rights, but I doubt that would stop the courts from seeing a custody battle for a 1 year old, and deciding between a mother and a transgender.

Don't get me wrong, I always want what's best for my wife and son. The worst case scenario I imagine is never seeing them again. It would kill me more to have that my parents will never seeing their grandson again (my wife is from Jersey, we live in Pennsylvania), and it being all my fault.

Is there really hope that I won't have to start over? That the only family I'll have after all this is my closest friends. The guilt is what stopped me from stepping forward all these years. I don't want it to stop me again, but it's such a strong emotion.

All I can think about now is this journey I'll have to go through. But what people could say is the most frequent thought I have.

I imagine my wife's reaction. "Why'd you wait until after we had him? You knew all this time?" I know that's not the reality of it, as we all progress at our own pace. But I see it from her point of view.

My parents: "Now K (initial of my wife) is taking our grandson away, and we can't see him again? All because you think you're a girl?"

It's making me sick to my stomach just now, typing it. I don't want the guilt to take over. It's my body, and it's the wrong one. It doesn't belong to my guilt. I want it to go away. Does anyone have coping strategies? I don't want the guilt to win again.

[Jess42]

Welcome emilymarie. My heart was breaking reading your post. It does kind of remind me of ,me.

You have nothing to feel guilty for. You are who you are. I think a lot of times the biggest and worst lie we tell is to ourselves. Unfortunately when we figure out it is a lie we are entangled to much into other lives. Then the decisions have to come, should I tell or should I continue the sharade? should I work on my own happiness or base my decisions on others' happiness?

Again you have absolutely no reason to be guilty. This you should try to reassure yourself of.


If you want to test waters with your wife, parents and people around you, just bring up transgender issues in little capacities and guage the reactions. This may give you an indicator of how they truly feel about the subject and how accepting they are. Unless they've said things and you know.

As for coping strategies, that is prettty much all on you. Some examples would be feminizing in baby steps like growing your hair long or at least longer, having you ears pierced and other small things. You may be able and to find a comfort level that you can live with. But I warn you though what was enough yesterday may not be enough tomorrow so expect that and this happens to be my case now.

It's not easy. I would definately suggest seeing a therapist to try to work through all your options and try to get an idea of what is going on.

[ChelseaAnn]

That's sort of why I finally decided to do it. Aside from crying watching a transition video, I thought "I can dress while my wife is away at work, but what happens when my son is older? I can't dress when he's 3, and tells mommy that daddy tried on her clothing."

The part that's difficult to me is my female self. I desire the look, which is only part of it, I know. But I've always been sort of feminine. I don't care for physical sports too much, and people always say I'm very caring and such. I identify with girls better, and prefer talking to them over guys. (Aside from my very close group of friends).

[Jen-from-IL]

Emily, therapy!!!! There is a lot going on in your head and somebody to help you sort it all out will only help you. I wish you the best and do hope things can work out for you.

[ChelseaAnn]

@No mas!

Not sure why your post was deleted.

Anyhow, I do see what you mean. I suppose when you say "obsess" you mean that everything will be focused on my transition and how things affect me, rather than focusing on the people who matter. I guess my post was self-centered. I do care about my family and friends. But that's exactly what kept me from accepting who I was for 12 years. I do want what's best for them, but me hiding isn't it. So I guess this is the "worse" part.

My goal in therapy isn't just to start my transition, but also to assist in my coming out.

[Jess42]

@No mas!

Not sure why your post was deleted.

Anyhow, I do see what you mean. I suppose when you say "obsess" you mean that everything will be focused on my transition and how things affect me, rather than focusing on the people who matter. I guess my post was self-centered. I do care about my family and friends. But that's exactly what kept me from accepting who I was for 12 years. I do want what's best for them, but me hiding isn't it. So I guess this is the "worse" part.

My goal in therapy isn't just to start my transition, but also to assist in my coming out.

I don't see wher your post was in the least little bit selfcentered. You know thinking of others and putting them before you is great but when it comes to sacrificing your happiness, comfort and well being you really need to take care of you. I know from circumstances now and growing up. If you are miserable, depressed all the time, unhappy with yourself and so on you're really not helping your family that way. Definately a therapist will help you in that area though.

[ChelseaAnn]

I don't see wher your post was in the least little bit selfcentered. You know thinking of others and putting them before you is great but when it comes to sacrificing your happiness, comfort and well being you really need to take care of you. I know from circumstances now and growing up. If you are miserable, depressed all the time, unhappy with yourself and so on you're really not helping your family that way. Definately a therapist will help you in that area though.

See, that is actually my biggest problem. I'm not miserable, or depressed, or unhappy. My life is pretty good. I just don't want to hide who I am anymore. I'm happy because I have my wife and my son, I wouldn't want to lose that. But, I get time to myself where I can dress and act myself. I just need to come out because I've hid it for so long, and because I doubt things will get better when my son is older.

[Jess42]

Emily, have you looked into the Resources section of the sight near the top of the page? The Psychology section is extremely interesting. It may give you a hint of where you fall under the transgender umbrella. It did me anyway. But a face to face therapist is the best way to go. Depending upon how your wife feels about it she may accept you wanting to dress feminine. I don't want to pry but after you dress does the desire to be female go away for a while and you are totally comfortable being male? Or does the desire stay or quieten down somewhat?

[ChelseaAnn]

Well, when I dress the desire obviously goes down (no sarcasm intended), but if my wife told me "hey, you can be female full time" I'd do it.

Overall, my goal is to come out, and start HRT. I doubt I'll ever be able to afford SRS, but if I can live as a female, that'd be enough for me.

[Jess42]

Well, when I dress the desire obviously goes down (no sarcasm intended), but if my wife told me "hey, you can be female full time" I'd do it.

Overall, my goal is to come out, and start HRT. I doubt I'll ever be able to afford SRS, but if I can live as a female, that'd be enough for me.

No sarcasm noted. With me the desire never goes down and actually intensifies. The more it intensifies the more I do in the way of feminization. Used to be just shaving legs and underarms and trimming the chest. Then it turned into shaving the chest. I used to leave my face and arms alone and wear a short beard, now I shape my eybrows more femininely, no beard and can't stand the stubble and trim the hair on my arms short. The more feminine things I do the farther I have/need go with it. Now its clothing. It just never backs down for me.

Are there any stressors or events that trigger the desire to dress feminine?

[ChelseaAnn]

No, nothing specific. I suppose seeing women in general is what does it to me. I feel female, and I'm envious at the same time.

[Tristan]

Unfaithful ? Idk about all that. It really depends. Iran does she Really know you. Like did you share everything with her before you two got married? And is she aware of how you feel now? I mean if I was her I wouldn't call it unfaithful unless you kept everything a secret and did not talk to me as your feelings grew. When someone is with a person and there's lots of secrets or a double life that's what hurts like heck...

[Christine167]

I'm right there with you Emilymarie. I am seeing a therapist and I have come out to my wife. It has been a very difficult experience so far. Some days we are totally good together and some nights we are at each others throats. She has feelings of betrayal, she implies that I'm not really transgender, etc. fighting to keep me as a man. The worst of course is when she says its like I'm killing the man she loved to become this. I really hate that.

The one thing that we have agreed on is that we will have an amicable divorce and protect our rights to custody for our son. She still wants me to help raise him and to be able to see him. She just doesn't want to be married to a woman. I understand this but I'm not entirely okay with losing my wife.

So far some of my friends know and some of my wife's family. My friends have been far more supportive than my wife's family so far.

I'm not sure if that helps you make a decision on this but like the others I suggest seeing a therapist who has experience with this. I really don't recommend waiting to address it. For me getting help and starting the research and soul searching quickly made the decision not feel so reckless.

Keep in touch Emily

[ChelseaAnn]

Yeah, I've already called a therapist so I can start therapy. I believe I'll be able to come out to my wife after 2 or 3 sessions, but I really need the help with that part. That's the hardest part for me, coming out to my wife. I could come out to my friends easily, and my parents I wouldn't be so bad with I think. They might need some time. The rest of my family would be hit or miss.

I wish this was easier. I'm going to come out to my best friend and a transgender friend of ours on Saturday. That way I at least have some support. I'm sure I can trust my BFF (couldn't resist ).

[cannedrabbit]

If your wife needs somewhere to turn to, be sure to recommend her to the Significant Other's board of Susan's! I've found it a great help in parsing everything out, and even though I have been involved and supportive from the get go, there are plenty of others out there who have had to come to grips with things on this board. Additionally, I would be happy to talk with her through PM if she would so wish. My wife and I have 2 small children together, so I may be able to help on that front too.

Best of luck, and I hope everything works out! (And good luck with therapy! It really helped my wife; she was all smiles after she left her first session.)

[SciNerdGirl]

WOW!  the Posts from  emilymarie (ChelseaAnn??) could have totally been written by me.  I'm totally in the same situation.  One of the biggest things that is preventing me from even considering coming out is that my wife and son are completely dependent on me financially.  I work in a very red state, in an office full of very god-fearing conservative coworkers.  There is 0% chance of acceptance at work.  Coming out for me, would not only be a risk for me, but also my wife and son.  No matter how much it eats me up inside, I cannot risk their financial security.

J.