What happened to my masculinity?

[Laurry]

Hi All,

Had a heart to heart with my best friend last night.  She knows I am an androgyne, knows I cross dress (well, you know what I mean), knows all my fantasies and desires.  I think she knows more about me that I do myself sometimes.

She made a comment that has been buzzing around my head all day.  She asked where my masculinity went. 

I know it's still there.  It pops it head out for a while every day.  I also know my femininity has used this past year to make up for lost time.  I'm struggling with where is the balance.  I thought I knew, and wasn't worried, yet why does this question haunt me?

I know my guy side, most of the time, is kind and thoughtful, and thus is letting my gal side have her time.  It still seems to be a question of what do I want and where would I like to end up?  I know now that I will never be happy suppressing my femininity.  I also know that I would never be happy living as a full-time woman as there is too much "guy" in me for that.

I guess the best I can hope for is reaching the place where I am free to express how I feel at the time, be it womanly or manly or, most of the time, a little of each.  Sadly, the world is just not ready for a person with a beard who wears shorts showing their shaved legs and bright red toenails.  They also have strange looks when the eyeshadow and mascara are occupying the same face as the beard.

So, shave off the beard, you say.  You did, at least once, for your avatar picture, what is the problem?

I'm struggling with that one too.  Part of me knows it would be easier to go out in public en femme or en mixed(?).  My vanity pipes in and reminds me that I have a very bad overbite and the beard makes me appear to have a chin.  I also know that I am using the beard as an anchor to keep me from going too fast, but the last thing I want to do is become the obvious guy in a dress.  I'm not that strong.

Still...its probably coming off near the end of the month.  I've got a week's vacation and the prospect of going to another town and living en femme full-time for a few days has been calling to me as a siren's song calls to lonely sailors at sea.  (Frickin poetic, ain't it?)

Still, I am proud of my masculinity.  It has served me well, and will continue to do so for remainder of my days.  In no way do I want to deny it or make it second best.  As I've discovered over this past year, the same can be said of my femininity.

I'm not sure what I'm looking for out of this post, but the question was driving me crazy.  I wrote this as much to help sort it out as to share my questions and see what y'all had to say.  Has anyone else struggled with questions like this, and if so, how have you dealt with it?

Thanks.....Laurie

[Intertween]

Still...its probably coming off near the end of the month.  I've got a week's vacation and the prospect of going to another town and living en femme full-time for a few days has been calling to me as a siren's song calls to lonely sailors at sea.  (Frickin poetic, ain't it?)

I wonder if following your siren's call will give you an opportunity to ruminate (eww, not poetic) or meditate on these issues from another angle, from the viewpoint of your feminine side. Perhaps you should listen to those sirens...

-- Sue

[Pica Pica]

Do you find certain people bring one type out over the other?

[shawnael]

I know it's still there.  It pops it head out for a while every day.  I also know my femininity has used this past year to make up for lost time.  I'm struggling with where is the balance.  I thought I knew, and wasn't worried, yet why does this question haunt me?

This has been one of the biggest reasons for my reluctance to let Him out. I don't want Him to have the limelight too much, because I don't want people to forget about me. I know He so dearly wants to "make up for lost time" as you so accurately put it. I think as time goes on you will find the balance. I'd say, for now, let your feminine side have her fun. You're comfortable with it now, right? You have plenty of time to "balance out," and I'm pretty sure you'll know when you have.

[Louise]

I also struggle to find the balance between my masculine and feminine sides.  While to most of the world I present myself as male, I have never been the hyper-masculine type.  I am a soft-spoken and relatively sensitive person.  On the other hand I am also very analytical in my thinking and lead with my head not my heart.

Physically my masculine appearance is very much affected by my beard.  My reluctance to shave it off has kept my crossdressing to an at home activity.  But I also shave my legs, and currently I have red toenails.  I don't show off the toenails in public, but during the summer I regularly wear shorts and no one has ever commented on my shaved legs.  (I have gray hair, so what hair I have on my legs is relatively light.)

It is important to me to be able to express my feminine side.  For the most part occasional crossdressing at home is the best outlet for this.  And, of course, there is also exchanging pleasantries with all you wonderful folks here.

[RebeccaFog]

I'm not sure what I'm looking for out of this post, but the question was driving me crazy.  I wrote this as much to help sort it out as to share my questions and see what y'all had to say.  Has anyone else struggled with questions like this, and if so, how have you dealt with it?

Thanks.....Laurie

     No. None of us have ever struggled with anything like this, Laurie. I assure you, you are the only one. 

    Actually, I am not struggling with it at this time, but I understand what you are saying. It would be nice if you could just mix it all up when you feel like it; beard, painted toes, a little mascara, and such. Maybe someday, it will be easier to take it out into the world without having to feel discomfort.
    I would think that the balance will come to you naturally at some point. You probably have to first finish this part of your journey which seems to be kind of a 'learning to breathe' experience for you.

   I'm just curious, do you have places where you can go and socialize in an accepting environment? And, are you seeing a therapist or counselor? Some of the good ones help you to create goals and make a plan.

   
Peace,

Rebecca
   

[Laurry]

Hi!  Thanks everyone for your concern and support.

It's been a confusing couple of weeks, but things have finally settled down quite a bit.  I think I've found my balance again, but still taking things day by day.

I've been thinking about changing the name on my account for a while to more accurately reflect my true nature.  I had thought about a "slashie", but Laurry seemed to work best...a combination of both my male name (Larry) and my female name (Laurie)...and the kicker?  I have been signing my name this way since I was in High School, lo those many years ago.  I always wondered why my signature had a couple of extra squiggles in it, but when this name hit me, I knew it was my true name.

So, from now on, I'm Laurry.  Still the same old lovable pain-in-the-rear goober-head from Texas (a surprisingly accurate description, I might add) that I always was, but maybe a little better grounded.

Thanks again, y'all...knowing you are there makes a big difference.

Love.....Laurry 

[RebeccaFog]

hi Laurry,

   It's good to see that you've passed through this hiccup. If you change your name, do you think you still need the 'O' at the end? It seems like Laurry is pretty distinctive on its own.


Peace,

Rebecca

[Shana A]

So, from now on, I'm Laurry.  Still the same old lovable pain-in-the-rear goober-head from Texas (a surprisingly accurate description, I might add) that I always was, but maybe a little better grounded.

Hi Laurry,

I like your new name. How is it pronounced? Like Laurie? I also used my birth name to create my new name. nobody ever gets the pronunciation correct 

zythyra

[Kendall]

Last 2 years were huge feminine years for me. I did everything in much more feminine. I learned stuff about me that I had never known. So I know what you mean.

This year is another story. This is definately a masculine year for me. I used to do the 75F25M, well now it feels opposite of 25F75M. I do feel out of balance. I dont think I can control it. Thats the way the old pendulum swings.

[Mia and Marq]

Marq: Never lost it.

Mia: Never had it.

Marq: You better be talking about you!

Mia: Quite.

[Laurry]

hi Laurry,

   It's good to see that you've passed through this hiccup. If you change your name, do you think you still need the 'O' at the end? It seems like Laurry is pretty distinctive on its own.

OK...you convinced me.  Now I can be one of those "famous" people who only need one name...LOL

[Hi Laurry,

I like your new name. How is it pronounced? Like Laurie? I also used my birth name to create my new name. nobody ever gets the pronunciation correct 

zythyra

Thanks, zythyra.  I don't really have any set pronunciation...guess I will let it float (like my gender).  I already answer to Laurie and Larry, so anything close will work for me...if I hear someone mangle it terribly, I might change my mind about that last statement. 

Speaking of which, exactly how is your name pronounced?  Do the y's sound like a long i?

Last 2 years were huge feminine years for me. I did everything in much more feminine. I learned stuff about me that I had never known. So I know what you mean.

This year is another story. This is definately a masculine year for me. I used to do the 75F25M, well now it feels opposite of 25F75M. I do feel out of balance. I dont think I can control it. Thats the way the old pendulum swings.

Oh yeah...now that you are feeling masculine, you have to make "pendulum" jokes...sheesh.  I bet the next one is about how slow it swings because of the length. 

But seriously, has your more masculine feelings translated into actions or behaviors that have made your life a lot different, or is it just more a feeling of being out of balance?


And Marq and Mia...you two behave yourselves...don't make me stop this car and come back there!!

......Laurry

[Shana A]

OK...you convinced me.  Now I can be one of those "famous" people who only need one name...LOL

yeah! then the bucks roll in...

Speaking of which, exactly how is your name pronounced?  Do the y's sound like a long i?

Hmmmm, how to describe this... zih THEE rah (short i in first syllable, soft th sound), or you can call me zee for short

zythyra