My Mother and Sister's Reaction.

[Joanna Dark]

I kicked out my eldest son when he was 17 because he was not living according to the parameters I set out for him, and was becoming an obnoxious sloth. He never finished high school and had to either get to work or starve. I had to give him the boot back then, because I knew he would never develop into a responsible adult the way he was going and so I jerked the rug out from under him for his own sake. He is now the project manager over several large building construction sites in a major western city and recently took the time to thank me for doing what was painfully needed to get him moving forward. He went on to say that had I not done that he would probably still be lounging around on my couch.

LTL you're in the same place that my son once was, going nowhere in a hurry. If you continue to hang out at your parent's place it will just be more of the same ongoing drama. Painful as it may seem, it's time to put non-essentials on the back burner and move. We've all encouraged you to move out no matter what it takes, but you are not listening to the good advice everyone has offered. Sorry hon, but it is time for you to get moving for your own sake!

Times were a lot different then. That was when you could easily get a decent paying job and the cost of living wasn't sky high. I really like you Shan, as you know, but in this instance you're wrong. Today you can get a job...at McDonald's which won't even pay half the rent. I mean right now there 22 million people chronically unemployed between 18-49. I refuse to buy into the "their lazy" argument. Being a young person today is just totally different. People can say it's not different but one only need to look at the purchasing power of the dollar in 1978 and now.

That being said you do have a point that LTL should consider moving to a lesser area and getting a roommate. She should pace an ad. A good place to put it would be in the MfT section on Craigslist as lots of trans women would go there and ya never know. Go to callen Lorde and put something on the bulletin board.

Right now, I'm doing what I can to afford rhe move if and when it comes..

You have to make your own luck LTL. Put yourself in situations where that can occur. Get out and meet people. Go to professional get togethers in your field. Join LinkdIN and message random people. Utilize your college's alumni network. Eamil all your old professors. Get another job.

Do what I do and when you present female, work the corner and make a few bucks while also getting to have sex. Wait...what...ooh, I mean, uh, I don't do that. I, uh, meant....Jk lol I just wanted to lighten the mood hehehehe

The other thing is why don't you go to Callen Lorde LTL? You will save money. The Mazzoni Center where I live pays for blood tests and will give you hormones for free almost. There may be advantages to going to where you go but in your situation you should go to callen lorde.

Lastly, I know you love your amily and all but if you want to preserve the relationship you need to get away from them. They are toxic to your transition. They talk about the best for everyone....that means everyone but you. No offense but I find you family's behavior horrid and childish. And your sisters most of all who don't even know the meaning of the word honor. They told you they would support you and now don't. You should bring up a real woman is tough and sticks by her word and helps those in need and is sensitive and doesn't abandon family like a 15 year old changes freinds. Sorry but how they are treating you is wrong. And these is no way the can comitt you. The police would never allow it just because your trans. Never. The police are well-versed and generally very very nice about it.

[Shantel]

I will say, however, I have no desire ro cut my family out of my life.  Even though it's been hard, they are important to me.  I fear moving will only distance us further than us going through the hard times together.   I don't know what will happen,  but I hope oue relationship can be saved, even though I am starting to doubt that ir can.

I wouldn't say that's what I did with my son or even with my own mother and sister who were such toxic ->-bleeped-<-s that I cut them off for ten years until they conceded that they had been twerps and asked for forgiveness. So that kind of cleaving away isn't always permanent but becomes necessary for your own survival and in some cases theirs.

Hopefully you will be up and running again soon so that you can function on your own like an independent adult. You're smart and intelligent, you've come a long way in your 20 something years, being independent and on your own is another part of the equation in the quest for adult maturity. I won't harp on this anymore, it's your business from here on, I wish you the very best!

[Ltl89]

I wouldn't say that's what I did with my son or even with my own mother and sister who were such toxic ->-bleeped-<-s that I cut them off for ten years until they conceded that they had been twerps and asked for forgiveness. So that kind of cleaving away isn't always permanent but becomes necessary for your own survival and in some cases theirs.

Hopefully you will be up and running again soon so that you can function on your own like an independent adult. You're smart and intelligent, you've come a long way in your 20 something years, being independent and on your own is another part of the equation in the quest for adult maturity. I won't harp on this anymore, it's your business from here on, I wish you the very best!

Thank you Shantel.  I have no doubt that I will be able to carry myself in due time.  I guess this is one other aspect of growing up.  I do, however, still feel weird about backing away from my family.  My mom is my best friend.  To cut her out would kill me.  And it would kill her too even if she isn't reacting the best.  Maybe I have too much faith, but I got to believe she will come around. 

Times were a lot different then. That was when you could easily get a decent paying job and the cost of living wasn't sky high. I really like you Shan, as you know, but in this instance you're wrong. Today you can get a job...at McDonald's which won't even pay half the rent. I mean right now there 22 million people chronically unemployed between 18-49. I refuse to buy into the "their lazy" argument. Being a young person today is just totally different. People can say it's not different but one only need to look at the purchasing power of the dollar in 1978 and now.

That being said you do have a point that LTL should consider moving to a lesser area and getting a roommate. She should pace an ad. A good place to put it would be in the MfT section on Craigslist as lots of trans women would go there and ya never know. Go to callen Lorde and put something on the bulletin board.

You have to make your own luck LTL. Put yourself in situations where that can occur. Get out and meet people. Go to professional get togethers in your field. Join LinkdIN and message random people. Utilize your college's alumni network. Eamil all your old professors. Get another job.

Do what I do and when you present female, work the corner and make a few bucks while also getting to have sex. Wait...what...ooh, I mean, uh, I don't do that. I, uh, meant....Jk lol I just wanted to lighten the mood hehehehe

The other thing is why don't you go to Callen Lorde LTL? You will save money. The Mazzoni Center where I live pays for blood tests and will give you hormones for free almost. There may be advantages to going to where you go but in your situation you should go to callen lorde.

Lastly, I know you love your amily and all but if you want to preserve the relationship you need to get away from them. They are toxic to your transition. They talk about the best for everyone....that means everyone but you. No offense but I find you family's behavior horrid and childish. And your sisters most of all who don't even know the meaning of the word honor. They told you they would support you and now don't. You should bring up a real woman is tough and sticks by her word and helps those in need and is sensitive and doesn't abandon family like a 15 year old changes freinds. Sorry but how they are treating you is wrong. And these is no way the can comitt you. The police would never allow it just because your trans. Never. The police are well-versed and generally very very nice about it.

The blood tests and hormones aren't too bad.  I did get screwed with going to a center that was affiliated with  a hospital ($1,100 for blood work), but I am trying to get that reduced.  And yeah, I will never go there again.  I learned my lesson.

Yeah, networking hasn't helped me all too much.  I have experience in politics and people will tell you lots of things and throw you out when you are disposable.  Yeah, I have offers for internships and things like that.  But I have done enough volunteer work for a life time.  Politics isn't the most luxurious field, but I love it (well, the academic side of it).  But it's okay.  I WILL find something at some point. 

Again, I understand what you mean about my family.  But I have a hard time considering distancing myself from them. 

[Bardoux]

Ltl, i just finished reading through this thread and wanted to say a few things. First of all, you are absolutely not a loser in my eyes. From reading your threads and the sincere comments you leave for people, i hope you know how wonderful you are.

Just thinking about how hard it must be for you makes me emotional, and I want you to now that you can call me on Skype if you ever just want to rant/let off steam or whine (heck i do it enough already lol).

Reflecting on what has been said, i do feel that your mum does love you unconditionally, and it's because of that love that as you say she feels she has to go out of her way to help you from what she perceives is a life changing mistake. Very much a different situation, but my younger sister let me know at the age of 16 that she was a born again Christian and was going to start attending bible classes, going away on church camps and getting baptised. I can't describe how strongly i opposed her or on this. Having met some of her more orthodox religious friends, there was no way that i was going to let her be exposed to what i considered to be dangerous religious indoctrination. Now my thinking was of course completely irrational, but nonetheless it's because i love my sister to the ends of this world and beyond that i would do anything to prevent her from what i thought was a life changing mistake. I am not trying to defend your mother's position at all, in fact i am worried about the realistic possibility of a very similar reaction from my mum judging from how my initial attempt to tell her went, but i can understand that in most part her intentions are good if not misguided.

My sister did go to the camp btw, came back turned off by the whole thing, and then came out as a lesbian a few years later.

[Ltl89]

Some good news to share.  I am somewhat speaking with one of my sisters again.  And today my mom looked and sounded genuinely happy to see me in the morning.   We almost hugged.   Small improvement,  but it means the world to me.

[Shantel]

Some good news to share.  I am somewhat speaking with one of my sisters again.  And today my mom looked and sounded genuinely happy to see me in the morning.   We almost hugged.   Small improvement,  but it means the world to me.

Cool, hope every day gets sweeter!

[Ltl89]

Wanted to share some positive updates after the whole fiasco on Saturday night  (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,145963.0.html). 

As of now, I am talking to both of my sisters and my mother.  After my mom came home from work today, we sat down together and watched a movie.  It was a terrible film with Charlton Heston, but I was so happy that I was able to spend some positive time with her.  Later on in the evening, my sister came over and we all sat down to have dinner together.  This was nice because we never have family meals at my house and things have been awkward between everyone as of late.  Oddly enough, I think the family blow out did us some good.  Maybe this is the start of some big progress.  Small event, I know, but I wanted to share something positive instead of all the bad. 

[JLT1]

LTL

This is a good thing.  A very good thing.

[Ltl89]

It's been quite some time, so I think an update is sufficient.  Well, okay, I just want to vent about my argument with my mother tonight. 

Since my last post here, my mother and I have been getting along okay.  We have a somewhat normal relationship again, but things are still volatile.  A week or so ago, she came home very hostile and decided to yell at me and let me know that I'm a disgusting warped embarrassment.  Sure, I fought back against her harsh words, but it came out of nowhere.  We made up and moved on as I awaited her bottled up frustration to surface again.

This week has been very tough for me.  Without getting into it, I've been a bit of an emotional mess about certain things in my life.  In turn, my mother has gotten annoyed, concerned and irritated over my depression.  She gets that way because she cares, but doesn't no how to help.  In any event, we discussed my hrt last night.  She sort of blames my depression and crying fits on the medication and she keeps trying to get me off of them as a result.  This sort of renewed her desire to change my path and straighten me out again.  When she came home today, she started to tell me that there are medications that can make people think they are trans and I may very well be on them.  According to her, there was a lawyer infomercial talking about a drug (Risperdal) which apparently can make boys think they are trans.  Even though I am not on such a drug (I'm not bipolar or schizophrenic), she is convinced that hrt and cymbalta have made me believe I am trans.  I can't stress this enough, I have had these thoughts way before either medications were started.  I started taken hrt in hopes to transition and cymbalta was initially started as a way to try to temper my dysphoria and the negative side effects of it. My dysphoria preceded both medications and were the cause for me going on the medications, it wasn't the other way around.  But she still refuses to believe me despite the fact that I keep telling her how I feel.  She does acknowledge I am very determined about transitioning, but she thinks I'm not in my right mind.  It's very frustrating.

On a side note, I also realize this is very hard for her as I'm killing her hopes and dreams.  After her rant on the medications, she brought up my graduation.  This was a very special moment for my parents because I was given the honor of being the student speaker for my department's commencement ceremony and got to sit on stage with the professors.  Besides that, I was given acknowledgement for my volunteer work and given an award.  It was one of the proudest days of her life.  She couldn't kept remarking how handsome I was and how everyone respected me.  She even mentioned that I had the attention of some of the girls in the crowd.  The reason she brought it up was to tell me that this is how she will remember me no matter what.  It kills me to no end that I have taken this image of her child away.  I no longer appear in her eyes as  the smart, respected, successful, handsome son I once appeared to be.  Now, I'm an unemployed, unsuccessful, ugly trans person who will soon be the ridicule of society.  It's sad for two reasons.  One, I stole my mother's former image of me and crushed it.  Whether or not it's fair for me to be who she wants, it's sad to do that to a parent.  Two, I know in some ways she's right.  I wouldn't trade transitioning, but it will be a tough road.  It's true that it will be harder to be successful and respected and people will may see me as an ugly freak.  Quite honestly, it will probably be a harder path in some respects than not transitioning.  But I didn't ask to be this way.  It really isn't as much of a choice as many think.  Believe me, I wouldn't of ever chose this if I could have avoided it somehow.  Yet, I can't help but realize there is truth to her arguments and that is what hurts the most.  I can handle certain things, but the truth is the hardest thing to face.  And realizing that I am just an unemployed, unsuccessful and unattractive person when compared to my former self makes me wonder if I will find a pathway for a better life after transitioning.  Yeah, I need to do it and desire to do so, but knowing that I'm a failure in my mother's eye is not an easy pill to swallow.  Worst of all, I can't even deny that she is probably right about what I've become and what will happen in my future.  It's sad all around. 

[Aina]

It's been quite some time, so I think an update is sufficient.  Well, okay, I just want to vent about my argument with my mother tonight. 

Since my last post here, my mother and I have been getting along okay.  We have a somewhat normal relationship again, but things are still volatile.  A week or so ago, she came home very hostile and decided to yell at me and let me know that I'm a disgusting warped embarrassment.  Sure, I fought back against her harsh words, but it came out of nowhere.  We made up and moved on as I awaited her bottled up frustration to surface again.

This week has been very tough for me.  Without getting into it, I've been a bit of an emotional mess about certain things in my life.  In turn, my mother has gotten annoyed, concerned and irritated over my depression.  She gets that way because she cares, but doesn't no how to help.  In any event, we discussed my hrt last night.  She sort of blames my depression and crying fits on the medication and she keeps trying to get me off of them as a result.  This sort of renewed her desire to change my path and straighten me out again.  When she came home today, she started to tell me that there are medications that can make people think they are trans and I may very well be on them.  According to her, there was a lawyer infomercial talking about a drug (Risperdal) which apparently can make boys think they are trans.  Even though I am not on such a drug (I'm not bipolar or schizophrenic), she is convinced that hrt and cymbalta have made me believe I am trans.  I can't stress this enough, I have had these thoughts way before either medications were started.  I started taken hrt in hopes to transition and cymbalta was initially started as a way to try to temper my dysphoria and the negative side effects of it. My dysphoria preceded both medications and were the cause for me going on the medications, it wasn't the other way around.  But she still refuses to believe me despite the fact that I keep telling her how I feel.  She does acknowledge I am very determined about transitioning, but she thinks I'm not in my right mind.  It's very frustrating.

On a side note, I also realize this is very hard for her as I'm killing her hopes and dreams.  After her rant on the medications, she brought up my graduation.  This was a very special moment for my parents because I was given the honor of being the student speaker for my department's commencement ceremony and got to sit on stage with the professors.  Besides that, I was given acknowledgement for my volunteer work and given an award.  It was one of the proudest days of her life.  She couldn't kept remarking how handsome I was and how everyone respected me.  She even mentioned that I had the attention of some of the girls in the crowd.  The reason she brought it up was to tell me that this is how she will remember me no matter what.  It kills me to no end that I have taken this image of her child away.  I no longer appear in her eyes as  the smart, respected, successful, handsome son I once appeared to be.  Now, I'm an unemployed, unsuccessful, ugly trans person who will soon be the ridicule of society.  It's sad for two reasons.  One, I stole my mother's former image of me and crushed it.  Whether or not it's fair for me to be who she wants, it's sad to do that to a parent.  Two, I know in some ways she's right.  I wouldn't trade transitioning, but it will be a tough road.  It's true that it will be harder to be successful and respected and people will may see me as an ugly freak.  Quite honestly, it will probably be a harder path in some respects than not transitioning.  But I didn't ask to be this way.  It really isn't as much of a choice as many think.  Believe me, I wouldn't of ever chose this if I could have avoided it somehow.  Yet, I can't help but realize there is truth to her arguments and that is what hurts the most.  I can handle certain things, but the truth is the hardest thing to face.  And realizing that I am just an unemployed, unsuccessful and unattractive person when compared to my former self makes me wonder if I will find a pathway for a better life after transitioning.  Yeah, I need to do it and desire to do so, but knowing that I'm a failure in my mother's eye is not an easy pill to swallow.  Worst of all, I can't even deny that she is probably right about what I've become and what will happen in my future.  It's sad all around.

Oh wow LtL you hit my fears of coming out pretty well. My biggest fear is crushing my parents dreams and I ask myself everyday what right do I have to hurt my family so? The people who from day one has supported me, given me every opportunity I can think of. The people who had tolerated me for not having a job, or quitting every job abruptly, and trust me LtL I was out of work for a very long time and I am 30 and I still have one year of college left.

This has me doubting myself, flipflopping and over all stressed.

But I think even if I did come out my parents would still love me, like how I believe your parents love you. But they don't understand and honestly do any of use understand? I feel like I am rambling and I want to say something so fantastic that it will make you feel better, but I have never been very good at that nor do I have the wisdom or experience to do so.

Just hold on and move the direct you feel that will give you some form of happiness!

<3

[Ltl89]

unconditionally means without condition. having to be a man is a condition. taking back the things she said about being trans and living 'like a normal man' is a condition, and it seems like it's a condition she's not willing to give up on for the time being.

it's great that your sisters are supportive even though they don't understand it but sometimes distance is good. especially when emotions are running hot it's sometimes impossible to see the forest for the trees, that's when distance (in both time and place) comes in handy... it's a step back allowing the situation to cool down and everyone to take a step back...

LTL, don't be afraid to take a new step. don't be afraid of the distance... if there really is love and if your family really is worth saving for then you have nothing to worry about! then you have something to back to... something to come back to work on. it won't go away if it's really there~

i hope you get to move out soon and take the necessary distance. it might help her too to not see you, not have constant access to you... help her realise that she might lose you unless she finds forgiveness and love in her heart to replace the disapproval and hostility she's showing.

it sounds like you're both frustrated and the situation can only deteriorate if you stay. do you have friends who could give you a temporary place to stay while you search for a job? maybe elsewhere if you'd have a better chance to get a job elsewhere? think about it~ i wish you the best of luck <3

I'd leave, but it isn't an option.  I have nowhere to go and don't have the ability to pay for rent.  It's a terrible situation for the both of us, but I can't leave.  Though I'm getting sick of living here.  Once I have stable employment, I am gone.   Hopefully that will happen soon. I love my mom and she is a great person, but she's changed since I have come out.  The main issue is that I can't deal with her random attacks and her vituperative statements.   And much of what she says is pure lunacy. 

Parents can also fail their children by not being there for them, by not loving them and by not supporting them. Is she worried about failing you? Mutual relationships work both ways... Don't believe all she says. Unless your entire worth as a human being is defined by you holding a job and/or your social status (in which case things like emotions, family and so on don't matter...) you being jobless does not make you fail as a person... it's temporary, you'll work it out. Future will be different from right now... (isn't it always?) don't give up hope... <3

It's not just about status.  She's okay about my unemployment because she knows how hard I'm trying.  It's all about my transition.  It's disgusting to her and we are all freaks in her eyes.  It's very hard to hear my mom talk about how she loves me while verbally criticizing me with a disgusted look in her eye.   The thing that annoys me the most is that she won't believe me.  She thinks I'm making it all up and blames my friends.  One of my bffs is trans so she thinks I have been mentally abducted by her and converted to the trans club.  Who would make such changes if they weren't serious about it and didn't think everything through?  Why would I tell her that I have been going through this for years if I really wasn't.  It's insulting that she refuses to believe or accept anything I have to say.  I'll always be mommy's little boy and nothing I can do will change that.  Even if I tell her the truth, "it's a lie that the evil trans people are telling me.  And one day by the grace of god, we will all awake from the nightmare." Yeah mom, keep trying to pray the trans away.  That will work. 

Oh wow LtL you hit my fears of coming out pretty well. My biggest fear is crushing my parents dreams and I ask myself everyday what right do I have to hurt my family so? The people who from day one has supported me, given me every opportunity I can think of. The people who had tolerated me for not having a job, or quitting every job abruptly, and trust me LtL I was out of work for a very long time and I am 30 and I still have one year of college left.

This has me doubting myself, flipflopping and over all stressed.

But I think even if I did come out my parents would still love me, like how I believe your parents love you. But they don't understand and honestly do any of use understand? I feel like I am rambling and I want to say something so fantastic that it will make you feel better, but I have never been very good at that nor do I have the wisdom or experience to do so.

Just hold on and move the direct you feel that will give you some form of happiness!

<3

Don't worry, it's not so bad.  I'll live.  My mom is a great person, she just has some messed up views and has gone insane since I have come out.  Yeah these moments drive me insane, but then there are the times where we hug or we don something to bond with each other.  We're very close even to this day.  It's just her crazy bipolar moments which push me away and leave me feeling hopeless. Hopefully she will regain her sanity in short time and there will be no more vicious unpredictable attacks.   

[Ltl89]

After our fight last night, I decided to be the peacemaker and made my mom a nice card to surprise her when she woke up for work in the morning.  I'm a terrible artist and suck at designing these things, but I stayed up all night and made a card in hopes that it would cheer up.  When I woke up my I noticed my mom left me the sweetest note.  Yes, she still used my boy name and male pronouns, but the note had her love written all over it.  We hugged and made up when she came home.  She still had to remind me how much she loves "her son" and "her boy", but I'm glad it got a little better.  Besides she stopped calling me her boy when I started to tear up, so she is getting a little more sensitive to it. 

Just wanted to share the good news and not always the bad.  Coming out is a roller coaster, so we will have our ups and downs. 

[LordKAT]

It is definitely a roller coaster. That feeling when you see the light come on for your family is precious tho it takes a long time before it arrives.

[Ltl89]

In continuing the tradition of updating my coming out story, I feel the need to give an update and put some things in perspective.  Much of what I wrote in the past was the result of a in the moment emotional reaction.  Everything written here is true, but it's skewed in the eyes of a very sad transgirl who desperately hoped for her family's total acceptance.  Reading some of what I wrote here in the past is painful because much of it is true yet some of it is unfair.  Therefore, I would like to clarfy things to those who stumble upon my coming out tale.  My mother and I have always been very close.  Truthfully, I am a mommy's girl and feel proud to have such a profound closeness with her.  For most of my life, I have been the emotional rock for my mother and she could always count on me to be there for her. It's hard for me to explain, but we have a very strong bond that is very special.  When I came out, it shattered her world.  Her only son and one of the few people she felt she could count on ("her little buddy") was being taken away from her.  That's a hard reality for her to accept and it nearly destroyed her.  Even though she said some harsh things, she was reacting out of legitimate pain and fear which was backed by a strong love for her "son".  The portrait painted in this blog is true, but also deceptive.  It doesn't illustrate the amazing and loving person that my mother was in the past or continues to be.  It doesn't show everyone here why she is the greatest person in the world.  Because of that, I feel sad and dismayed that I might of portrayed my personal hero as a villain.  I feel like that may be a slight injustice to those who read this and try to learn about what coming out is like.  While everything written here is true, it is emotionally skewed and doesn't show the real pain my family was exposed to nor does it show the love that was showered on me at times which I neglected.  I suppose it's hard to be impartial and unbiased in our own coming out, so I can't ever do the other side of things justice.  But I do want people to realize that coming out is hard for everyone, not just for the person that is coming out.  It changes relationships and exposes fraudulent beliefs that were once cherished truths about our loved ones.  It will hurt everyone, fights will happen, and all parties will say incredibly insensitive and nasty things to one another.  However, if you have a family with a strong foundation and true love for one another, you will make it through.  It may take time, but it can happen.  Love can defeat all adversity even if it seems hopeless at times. 

[Ltl89]

Now for the actual update.  Things have greatly improved between my family and I.  A few months ago, I thought I would be homeless and without a home.  Yet here I am, living at home with a loving family.  I can't say this lifestyle is what they would choose, but they are learning to cope with my transition and I am trying to make it as bearable as possible.  My mother and I have an incredibly strong relationship and we are getting along great.  Sure, we have our ups and downs, but things are pretty much back to normal.  However, I still present as male at home and still haven't changed my name or the pronouns.  I hope this will change soon, but I am working off the progress that we have made so far.  My mother hasn't made an issue about my hormones or therapist, so that is a huge step for us and want to do everything as slow as possible.  On the other hand, my dysphoria has increased ten fold since I have started transitioning.  In a way, I feel the need to give up the male facade and just be true to myself.  Still, I must compromise with my family to keep the peace and will work with their comfort levels as well as my own.  Nothing is perfect, but we are getting there.  I suppose that is a nice change of pace from where this thread started. 

[Shantel]

Now for the actual update.  Things have greatly improved between my family and I.  A few months ago, I thought I would be homeless and without a home.  Yet here I am, living at home with a loving family.  I can't say this lifestyle is what they would choose, but they are learning to cope with my transition and I am trying to make it as bearable as possible.  My mother and I have an incredibly strong relationship and we are getting along great.  Sure, we have our ups and downs, but things are pretty much back to normal.  However, I still present as male at home and still haven't changed my name or the pronouns.  I hope this will change soon, but I am working off the progress that we have made so far.  My mother hasn't made an issue about my hormones or therapist, so that is a huge step for us and want to do everything as slow as possible.  On the other hand, my dysphoria has increased ten fold since I have started transitioning.  In a way, I feel the need to give up the male facade and just be true to myself.  Still, I must compromise with my family to keep the peace and will work with their comfort levels as well as my own.  Nothing is perfect, but we are getting there.  I suppose that is a nice change of pace from where this thread started.

So understandable for me! Here it's not a mom but a wonderful wife, so I have done it so far incrementally rather than plunging in as I'm so inclined to prefer and it has paid off making it more palatable for someone I love and refuse to lose.

[izzy]

Your mom and family is breaking grounds. I am glad things are going okay and taking it slow for them to adjust to you

[Ciara]

Hi LTL,
Its great that everything at home has improved so much. There are many beautiful people on this forum and you are up there with the best. You so deserve to be happy and so deserve to be yourself. Every little step will get you there safely.
Ciara.

[Tatyana]

This is a difficult post for me to write, but I wanted to get it out and share.  I know these kinds of things can be helpful to other people out there, so I will open my wounds to the public in hopes that this will aid someone else in some way.

Yesterday I came out to my Mother and sister.  I have two sisters, so now all of my siblings are in the loop.  I will start with the good.  My sister was extremely supportive about it and didn't have any problems.  While she didn't see it coming, she wasn't bothered by it at all.  So far both of my sisters have shown a lot of support and compassion about my situation.   

As for my mom, I had a detailed plan about how I went about it.  I wrote a very in depth note that explained everything I wanted to say.  While saying it in person would be a better method in some cases, my sister and I thought it would be better to give my mom time to absorb everything.  So the plan was to have my sisters give my mom the note  at a prearranged private destination and console her afterwards.  In the meantime, I went out to dinner with a friend and tried to think of anything besides the terror of all that may come.  I had a great dinner and went out to buy some alcohol to prepare for my mom's return home.  I was a little tipsy and playing my guitar when my mom walked in my room.  She was in tears and I've never seen her look so bad.  We talked about things and I tried to answer her questions, but she kept telling me that she doesn't buy it.  No matter what I said, she had an alternative theory.  She had a hang up about my sexuality and kept asking me how I could say I guys if I've never slept with one.  Then she said I have no idea what it's like to be a woman and can't know if I would really like being one.  She then blamed my "twisted friends", my evil transgender therapist, and my echo chamber support group for influencing me.  Without accepting everything I told her, I was just a confused depressed boy that was being manipulated by others.  She told me she loved me and would always support me, but she couldn't accept this at all.  To her, I'm just a crazy man that will never be a girl.  Needless to say it was a rough night.  Today we taked more, but it was the same.  She doesn't believe me and thinks I'm just lost.  She asked to try testosterone to see if that might make me like being a boy because I had low t prior to starting hrt.  She then told me she wants me to distance myself from my friends and support groups and wants me to see a "straight male" therapist who would challenge the idea of me being transgender.  In essence, all the support that I've developed which allowed me to feel better about myself needs to go.  Instead, I should continue living as an unhappy man and get these crazy ideas out of my head.    I told her living as a man would lead to my demise.  She was in tears when I said that and I know she cares.  The conversation ended with her telling me that people may laugh at me when I start everything.  She didn't mean to hurt me, but she told me that I was manly and don't look feminine at all.  At that point, I cried incredibly hard and went into a sadness I didn't know was possible.  My mom was really upset that she hurt me that much and started to hug me.  Even though she doesn't support it, she started to console me by saying the estrogen can work wonders and that I am gorgeous already.  That's where we left it. 

As of now, my mom doesn't like the idea of it and wants me to stop asap and distance myself from my female identity and all the support I have established that backs up my idenitty.  She said she loves me and will support me no matter what, but she feels I'm making a terrible mistake and she wants to stop it from happening.  So I have her love, but not her acceptance.  She says that she is trying to understand, but it seems to me that she is really trying to talk me out of it than understand.  I didn't expect her to be happy or approving, but it's very hard.  It seems like she won't acknowledge any of my feelings and is looking to invalidate everything I have experienced.  Whenever I explain to her something that occurred or the reasoning behind a particular action, she provides me alternative theories.  Why can't she just accept that I know how I feel inside and know why I did something or acted a certain way?  I'm the only one on the inside.  Who is she to tell me that I don't know what I'm feeling?  I love my mom and I understand that she will need time, but don't tell me I don't know myself or why I feel and have felt a certain way.  It's very weird.  On the one hand, I have her emotional support and love.  On the other hand, she can't accept this and needs to prove to me that I'm not really transgender.  Like I'm different from everyone else in the t community and am delusional for thinking this is who I am.  So it's not that she is rejecting me, but she is refusing to believe anything that I tell her when it comes to this.  It's very frustrating.

Anyway, forgive me for the long post, but I needed to vent.  And to anyone out there who is coming out soon or looking for information on these things, I hope my post was helpful in some way.  We all need luck with these things, but sometimes further knowledge can help us increase our chances for a successful outing.

I hope everything works out for you.  I haven't discussed anything with my parents yet kind of putting it off until I know everything.  Hang in there.  Your mom will learn to accept it eventually.  Probably gona take some time