My Mother and Sister's Reaction.

[Ltl89]

This is a difficult post for me to write, but I wanted to get it out and share.  I know these kinds of things can be helpful to other people out there, so I will open my wounds to the public in hopes that this will aid someone else in some way.

Yesterday I came out to my Mother and sister.  I have two sisters, so now all of my siblings are in the loop.  I will start with the good.  My sister was extremely supportive about it and didn't have any problems.  While she didn't see it coming, she wasn't bothered by it at all.  So far both of my sisters have shown a lot of support and compassion about my situation.   

As for my mom, I had a detailed plan about how I went about it.  I wrote a very in depth note that explained everything I wanted to say.  While saying it in person would be a better method in some cases, my sister and I thought it would be better to give my mom time to absorb everything.  So the plan was to have my sisters give my mom the note  at a prearranged private destination and console her afterwards.  In the meantime, I went out to dinner with a friend and tried to think of anything besides the terror of all that may come.  I had a great dinner and went out to buy some alcohol to prepare for my mom's return home.  I was a little tipsy and playing my guitar when my mom walked in my room.  She was in tears and I've never seen her look so bad.  We talked about things and I tried to answer her questions, but she kept telling me that she doesn't buy it.  No matter what I said, she had an alternative theory.  She had a hang up about my sexuality and kept asking me how I could say I guys if I've never slept with one.  Then she said I have no idea what it's like to be a woman and can't know if I would really like being one.  She then blamed my "twisted friends", my evil transgender therapist, and my echo chamber support group for influencing me.  Without accepting everything I told her, I was just a confused depressed boy that was being manipulated by others.  She told me she loved me and would always support me, but she couldn't accept this at all.  To her, I'm just a crazy man that will never be a girl.  Needless to say it was a rough night.  Today we taked more, but it was the same.  She doesn't believe me and thinks I'm just lost.  She asked to try testosterone to see if that might make me like being a boy because I had low t prior to starting hrt.  She then told me she wants me to distance myself from my friends and support groups and wants me to see a "straight male" therapist who would challenge the idea of me being transgender.  In essence, all the support that I've developed which allowed me to feel better about myself needs to go.  Instead, I should continue living as an unhappy man and get these crazy ideas out of my head.    I told her living as a man would lead to my demise.  She was in tears when I said that and I know she cares.  The conversation ended with her telling me that people may laugh at me when I start everything.  She didn't mean to hurt me, but she told me that I was manly and don't look feminine at all.  At that point, I cried incredibly hard and went into a sadness I didn't know was possible.  My mom was really upset that she hurt me that much and started to hug me.  Even though she doesn't support it, she started to console me by saying the estrogen can work wonders and that I am gorgeous already.  That's where we left it. 

As of now, my mom doesn't like the idea of it and wants me to stop asap and distance myself from my female identity and all the support I have established that backs up my idenitty.  She said she loves me and will support me no matter what, but she feels I'm making a terrible mistake and she wants to stop it from happening.  So I have her love, but not her acceptance.  She says that she is trying to understand, but it seems to me that she is really trying to talk me out of it than understand.  I didn't expect her to be happy or approving, but it's very hard.  It seems like she won't acknowledge any of my feelings and is looking to invalidate everything I have experienced.  Whenever I explain to her something that occurred or the reasoning behind a particular action, she provides me alternative theories.  Why can't she just accept that I know how I feel inside and know why I did something or acted a certain way?  I'm the only one on the inside.  Who is she to tell me that I don't know what I'm feeling?  I love my mom and I understand that she will need time, but don't tell me I don't know myself or why I feel and have felt a certain way.  It's very weird.  On the one hand, I have her emotional support and love.  On the other hand, she can't accept this and needs to prove to me that I'm not really transgender.  Like I'm different from everyone else in the t community and am delusional for thinking this is who I am.  So it's not that she is rejecting me, but she is refusing to believe anything that I tell her when it comes to this.  It's very frustrating.

Anyway, forgive me for the long post, but I needed to vent.  And to anyone out there who is coming out soon or looking for information on these things, I hope my post was helpful in some way.  We all need luck with these things, but sometimes further knowledge can help us increase our chances for a successful outing.   

[Stefani2]

I felt so bad reading this I am sorry things didn't go well I hope she comes around in time and I'm sure she will <3 she just needs some time. In the mean time take comfort in the fact you have supportive sisters <3

[Joanna Dark]

Well it sounds like she kinda came around in the end. My mom has never said anything even resembling support and makes fun of me all the time and basically calls me a ->-bleeped-<-. She says I look ridiculous with makeup on and it is pretty bad. So it could be worse. But that does stink and I know you wanted her support and how much this must hurt. Stay strong.

[Darkie]

Learning, I'm so so sorry that this is what happened.  I was really hoping when you told her she would take it better.  *hugs tightly* I wish I knew what to do or say... But if you want, you can vent to me.

[ZoeM]

Oh

*Hug*

I wrote up a bit of advice, but I'm in no position to advise right now. So I offer hugs, and I promise I will pray for you - and your mother - for reconciliation and understanding.

[kyh]

Hang in there LtL, not all hope is lost.

She came around just a little bit when you started crying about her saying you were masculine looking and manly right?

That's a good sign. She at least wants you to be happy.

I think she'll fully come around in time.

[Misato]

I got the, "you'll never be a woman because you can't have a period" line from my mom.  Then paranoia about discussing being trans on an insecure e-mail account.  Things improved tremendously from there.

I hope your mom warms up like mine did LTL.

[Heather]

Your mom actually sounds a lot like my mom when I came out. I know your going to have a hard time seeing it from her point of view. But right now she is hurting and she will be hurting for sometime to come. She might go back and forth like my mom. One day accepting it the next day being I will never accept this it's all apart of the grieving process and it may take months before she will come around. But things will get better you just have to ride out the storm and give her time. And remember it took you years to come to grips with who you are you should give her time too. 

[Shantel]

Hugs to you dear, I'm sorry that you received such a negative reaction from your mom. It is painful even to read, because so many of us here have experienced the same identical reaction. It doesn't matter how old you are, your parents will invariably regard you as kind of a personal possession and most always love you dearly but not without conditions. So even though the umbilical was severed at birth, they always have an emotional segment that will remain attached until they finally come to the realization that you are your own person with your own life to live and they can't iive it for you. So after an extended period of emotional blackmail and manipulative adult tantrums she should eventually turn and accept that which she has absolutely no control over. Hang in there, keep your chin up and don't allow yourself to become angered at your mother or depressed, it will get better.

[BunnyBee]

I just want to say that a negative reaction like this never is about you, it's about them.  Their insecurities, their ego, their discomfort with having their worldview challenged, their hangups, etc.  Don't take anything your mom does or says right now personally.

The first place a mother's mind usually goes is to blame themselves for your turning out this way, and often they don't want to accept the blame so they will project it off onto anything that's handy, or they will just try to deny your struggle is even real.  In a weird way, this is coming from a loving place.  It's crazy the horrors that can be born from twisting love with human failings.  But part of why she is so resistant to any of this is she is afraid for you.  She worries that your life will be harder if you pursue transition, that the world will become a dangerous place, that you will be cursed to struggle for success in a cruel world for the rest of your life and that it will be hard (impossible, even) for you to ever find love.  All of these things are running through her mind, I'm sure, and she wants to protect you.  She is just flailing, trying to find a way to keep you from having a hard life.

Also idk how much of her ego is wrapped up in you, but it is something that you sometimes encounter with family members.  How I mean that is how does she feel your being trans reflects on herself?  Is she afraid people will look at her and judge her a certain way because of what you are going through?  This is something, personally, that was more of a dad issue than a mom issue for me, but I think my mom had a little bit of that going on, along with my siblings too, tbh.

I don't know, there is just so much that could be happening in her head right now.  Just be aware that most/all of the terrible things people say initially are just outward, visible flashes of how they are coping with the rush of feelings that comes with a revelation like this.

It may be a while before things get better.  Your loved ones are going to have to go through a sort of grieving process for the son/brother they thought they had, and that can be so rough because you will feel responsible for their sadness, and you'll want to say or do anything to soften it.  Whatever impulses you have in that way, don't cave, be firm, but also be loving, supportive, and kind.

The best thing you can possibly do to help your loved ones get behind you is to simply have a successful transition.  Prove all their worries false.  Start to show how living authentically improves your life.  Be happier, kinder, more loving, more fun to be with.  Make friends, fall in love if that's something you want.  Be glowing, be the very best version of yourself.  You can't always be those things, not everyday, I know that all to well, but when your life gets better and you become a better person because of your transition, those things will go a long way toward helping your loved ones get on board.  And you don't have to fake them (you shouldn't fake them, really) they really do just come with transition automatically when it is the right thing for you.  They come with time though, don't expect amazing changes to your demeanor and outlook on life immediately, just like you shouldn't expect the physical changes to happen overnight.

Hang in there honey.  It does get better.

[mintra]

Your mom loves you. Give her some time I'm sure she'll open her mind later on.

[Tristan]

It sounds like your mom does care about you and wants to spare you the troubles but sadly that's not a easy thing to do. I agree with the others give her time and maybe she will come around

[Naomi]

Hey Learning,

So I'm pretty sure we're about the same age, and my mom had a similar but less severe reaction so we're kind of similar. The fact that she says she still loves you and supports you is huge, and it's a place to start. For the last month+ I have been working to answer every possible alternative theory that my own mom has come up with and it's not easy but it's been slowly working. I've heard everything from being pushed into it, to low T, to obsessive compulsive disorder. The thing is though as long as she is willing to listen you can provide answers and show her that you are what you are. Also getting your mom to seek a therapist will be very helpful not just for you but for her. Just like I can't understand what it feels like for my mom to lose her "son" she can't understand what I feel. So the therapist gives her a place to vent her feelings but also serves to back up the stuff that I tell her.

Mainly if it's anything like my situation the best advice that I can give is this: Be confident, and firm about your decision, be knowledgeable, ask your mom to seek therapy, and when you talk with her give her some time afterwards to think about things.

P.S.: according to my therapist, and my GP low T will not cause dysphoria. Also a friend of mine who knows I'm trans was recently diagnosed with low T and does not identify as female.

[Theo]

*hugs*

Her continued love preserves the basis on which you can rebuild your relationship. That is something I would cling to. As your sisters are supportive, maybe it would be worthwhile discussing any details and concerns with them, so that they may act as an internal support network for you, and can help slowly but surely bring your mother around. Any explanation you give her at this point may be seen as suspect, but if your sisters do so in your absence, then it may make it more believable to her.

One thing that can help, but is maybe a bit too early, is to pick a few transition timeline videos and give her the links. In my case it has worked wonders for family and friends in realising that this is not some impossible feat, forever isolating one from the rest of humanity, but that transition is truly feasible. Let us not forget that many people still see the whole transgender community as one entity, and believe that drag is the fullest extent to which a "transition" can take place, at least visually.

If you wish to further assuage her fears, then there is always that additional point (preferably pointed out by your sisters): if it is the wrong decision, then you will notice during HRT. There have been cases in the past where people suddenly realised that this path is not for them. It is a perfectly legitimate and very important step to listen out for, so as not get caught in some strange way of thinking that you have to transition, even if it doesn't feel right. Again from my own experience, your loved ones will notice the changes in your behaviour, and are much more likely to accept your transition if they see your happiness. Always keep your options open though, listen to yourself, never let yourself be pressured to stop or continue; the only person who can decide that is you, and you alone.

[Anatta]

Kia Ora L,

So now it's 'out' there...where are you going from here ? Don't wallow in the rejection take heart from the acceptance...

Metta Zenda

[Ltl89]

Thanks everyone.  It's not too bad.  I mean we are still talking and she has been more sensitive about everything after last night.  She is upset that she hurt me and I know she is trying her best.  I understand she needs time to adjust, so I just have to ride it out and calm her fears.  I could have been disowned or completely rejected.  Instead, she is trying her best to change the situation, but supports me and still loves me.  I guess that's not the worst reaction to have received.  Though, her comments on my appearance really hurt me because that is a sore point for me.  But I don't think she understood the level of my dysphoria and how much that stung.  Hopefully, it will improve with time. 

[Tristan]

I'm sure your luck will change with her. People just take time to take in everything

[Ltl89]

Just a quick update. 

Things are really weird.  Sometimes it feels like I am making progress, and then other times it's like talking to a wall.  The former is usually the case.  Yesterday, my mom began to make suggestions that I've been brainwashed and manipulated into thinking I'm trans.  She doesn't buy that I am at all.  she thinks other have talked me into it and I don't realize they are manipulating me.  She has compared it to me being abducted by a cult.  It's very frustrating because all my explanations and answers are disregarded in favour of a new theory she has on why I "think" I'm trans.  She is a good person and she's trying to help, but I wish she would listen to what I had to say instead of trying to find a new loophole out of this. And the worst part of it all, is she doesn't believe I understand how I feel.  She thinks I'm confused and don't really know my own thoughts.  I get that this is hard for her to process, but I wish she could accept I know myself better than anyone else.  Why would this exist for years on end?  There is nothing I am confused about and no one but myself has talked myself into transitioning.   It's very difficult.  I hope it improves.

On the other front, my sister suggested that I'm not like most girls because I don't listen to music like Brittany Spears.  First of all, not all girls listen to pop music.  Second, there are plenty of females into Rock, prog, and jazz.  My other sister is an example of this.  She's very supportive, but she doesn't understand this at all.  She wanted me to go shopping with her so I could experience what it's like to be a "girl" because I really don't know what it's like since I'm a "guy".  I just wish people would listen to what I say so they could understand what being trans is  and wish they would stop having false expectations for me to try and fit into. 

End of Rant. 

[Shantel]

Your mom is in the denial phase, don't worry hon, she will get through it and begin to deal with your reality soon. Just avoid the urge to have a tantrum and remain on an even emotional keel in front of her and your sisters. Best place to have a good cry and talk with your Higher Power is in the shower where the rest can't hear you.

Go shopping with your sis, it will be a good bonding experience. She will try and tell you how it is to be a girl and you can show her what a girl you really are. Do it!

[Bookworm]

There is nothing wrong with a good rant every now and then. It can be very helpful to clear your heard. I understand the emotions you are going through. I am going through the same ones at the moment. It is okay to be worried and scared. Let's hope things get better.

-hugs-