Not many people would choose to go through the emotional struggle you are going through with your mother. I don't believe you would. This is just one way many of us know we are transgender and it is not a choice. No one could make us go through this. No one could manipulate a non transgender person to go through this because it strikes at the very core of our being. It took me 53 years to open my eyes to the fact that I wasn't really a male but really a female. I didn't face your issues with my parents because they had past away. But I have grown children who only knew my male side and now have to accept in the best way they can that I am a female. They live on the other side of the country from where I do so this is basically an inner emotional struggle, but I do have a ten year old son who lives with me.
Being transgender is a struggle which doesn't really go away, and neither does the emotional struggle with our family. Finding the inner strength to live our lives for whom we really are can be very difficult. Your inability to accept your mother's demands that you are male and the fact that it is tearing you a part is a message to you that being a woman if an essential part of your inner being.
You are not choosing to hurt your mother, nor is she choosing to hurt you. She just sees you as her little boy, and is not willing yet to give that up. If being transgender was a choice, you probably would not give up, being her little boy. But emotionally you have come to realize that you are really a woman and have taken steps seeking out council to be that woman and may be finding that emotions are over coming your reasoning.
No one can tell you what to do, but make your decisions one that are emotionally healthy for you. If you could have lived the life your mother wants you to live, you would have. There are many ways for a male to rebel against his parents, becoming a female, in mind, is the very last on the list, and the probability of becoming a female as an act of rebellion is .0000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000001 or less percent approaching a nanobyte of a percent probability.
Let yourself be who you really are. Life has taught me that in the long run most people when push comes to shove make that decision for themselves or find that many of the people they thought they could depend upon make that decision and they could careless about how it affects you. We can try to understand others and succeed or most of the time fail, we can accept others for whom they are. We can love others and not like them. We can like them but not love them. But one thing we can never do without destroying ourselves and them is to try and control who others are. Parental control only lasts legally for 18 years. Before that control is a constant emotional struggle.
After children are 18, we parents hope they will live good healthy lives, and stay out of jail, love life and be happy, and be able to support themselves as long as they live. If my children appreciate me or like me or not its not an issue for me, if they have achieved these things then as a parent I have succeeded.
The emotional struggle with your mother is a part of life as a transgender woman you will have to struggle through. You will find your true self if, you are true to who you really are and do not make a choice to make the other person happy. You must be happy with your choice. If you do what your mother wants to make her happy and it brings great emotional disasters into your life will only cause greater pain and unhappiness to your mother.
She may never quite accept you as a woman, but if she sees that being a woman brings happiness and joy into your life, she will be happy because you are. What ever you do, do the thing that brings, peace and joy to you, and this peace and joy will lighten up the lives of others.
