Stressed and confused

[bug32]

My fiancé (male) and I have been together 4 years and have a 18 month old boy. About a year ago he told me he liked transgenders and I didn't really think anything of it. About 2 months ago he came out again and said he has always wanted to be a transgender (MtF) and wants to start taking hormones. I was and still am in shock, I never ever would have dreamed of him wanting to do this and its a lot for me to grasp.
   I love him to death and as selfish as it sounds, I cant be with a girl, Im not attracted to them at all and although I agreed to support him and stay his friend, he feels I should stay with him. Not only am I worried about me but Im worried about if I stay, how will it effect our son and how I will tell him. My fiancé keeps saying he wants to try out hormones and only take a few months worth and that they wont really do anything, but Im having such a hard time with the thought. Its always in my mind and when its brought up I cant help but cry. I guess whats really frustrating and upsetting is he talks about how he has always known he wanted to be a girl, but he spent 4 years with me, gave me a ring and we had a baby and now the person Im used to and fell in love with, isn't going to be the same person physically or in any other aspect I assume..Im not 100% sure but in reading some things most SO's stories they say their partners personality changes.
     I don't want to keep him from being who he really wants to be but Im having a hard time not feeling guilty about not staying in a relationship with him. Does anyone have any advice or just something, anything, he does not want me talking to anyone we know about it and its killing me not being able to let it out and talk to someone about it.

[Andaya]

My fiancé keeps saying he wants to try out hormones and only take a few months worth and that they wont really do anything, but Im having such a hard time with the thought.

...

now the person Im used to and fell in love with, isn't going to be the same person physically or in any other aspect I assume..Im not 100% sure but in reading some things most SO's stories they say their partners personality changes.

These are the two things that jumped out at me the most

1. Hormones shouldn't really be some thing he just tries out for a few months, and they certainly shouldn't be something he takes thinking they won't do anything. Else, why bother? Typically they are taken after serious consultation with a doctor and/or therapist because you want to make lasting change. He's not being honest if he tries to downplay hormones honestly.

2. Physically you're right, he wouldn't be the same. But at the same time, hormones aren't creating a new person out of thin air. The man you fell in love with is the template for the new person he's going to become. If you're absolutely 100% straight then I can see a problem. But many people are not, and so it's certainly possible for couples to survive a transition like this. As far as personality goes however, he will still be the same person inside. He'll still enjoy his hobbies, share the same interests experiences and memories as before etc. hormones obviously have a certain effect on mood and whatnot but its not like you'll wake up next to a totally different person one morning.

Those are my big thoughts from your post anyhow. I'm glad you joined us, it sounds like you're Just bursting with questions and need some support and that's what we are here for

[blueconstancy]

*hugs*

I second Andaya that while people tend to grow and change over time regardless, you almost certainly won't wake up next to a totally different person. (My wife's personality did "change," but only in that she was calmer and more centered and much happier. Her interests, habits, etc. didn't shift much, although she did experiment with makeup for a while!) However, in general, with someone who is NOT attracted to their partner's target gender and doesn't find that their sexual orientation is more flexible than they expected... well, you're right that trying to separate amicably and be friends might be the best outcome for you. I'm so sorry.  It is totally not fair for your spouse to push you to stay in the marriage and use your son as emotional blackmail, and I agree that it's unlikely that hormones will be "temporary."

I can only imagine how heartbreaking it is that your spouse dropped this on you after several years and with a young child. It felt like the rug was pulled out from under my world, too, but at least I had the hope that we could adapt.

[Pandion]

Hi there,

You are obviously taking in a lot at the moment, my advice to you would be to take a step back in your head and process things. Transition is not something that happens over night.

My previous relationship was with a transman who went through his transition while we were together and although we did split in the end we remain good friends and I the relationship we did have for the 3 years of his transition was really good and well worth the effort. By the end of it, he was no longer the person I fell in love with but that was ok, for the time that he was we made the most of it. It is not like flicking a switch, it is gradual and there will be time for you to adjust if that is what you want. On the other hand it is not an easy process for anyone involved but it can open you up to a whole new, often very positive world.

With regards your child, in my experience, if a child has stability and parents who love them, they usually don't care where that parents gender identity lies. In many cases the experience can raise a more understanding open minded human being.

As time goes on, life changes and people change, sometimes more obviously than others but so long as that change is for the better it can only be a positive thing.

As Andaya has said, hormones are not something you dabble in, there are proper treatments and processes people go through and depending on where you are there is usually support available for family and friends that I would highly recommend making use of.

[bug32]

Thank you all for the support, yeah its a lot to take in and Im at a total loss because I love him to death but Im positive I could not be with a female ( it was tested in the past and not really enjoyed). And yes Im pretty sure the hormones wont be a "trial" for a few months either. He wants to do it so badly that I cant see him stopping after just that.
   He is not going to a therapist about this though, should he be? And yeah I know since he is young our son would probably understand but its the fact that my family as well as my fiancé's family would stop all contact with us, including our son, and to me that just is not fair for him. But its a lot for me to take in currently and Im also finding it hard to be supportive. Like I mentioned about me crying a lot, I will cry and leave the room and my fiancé will notice and start saying he isn't going to do the treatments because its selfish of him. I know its what he wants but I cant seem to control how upset Iam.

[blueconstancy]

You not only can't control how you feel, you shouldn't be expected to. People are complicated; it's perfectly understandable that you'd be both supportive of your partner's dreams and gutted over what it means for you personally.

(As for the therapist, a lot of doctors require a letter from a therapist before they'll prescribe HRT, but it's not absolutely necessary for every trans person. It sounds like *you* might benefit from some therapy, though... from someone objective, who isn't your partner's therapist!)

[PrincessDayna]

Thank you all for the support, yeah its a lot to take in and Im at a total loss because I love him to death but Im positive I could not be with a female ( it was tested in the past and not really enjoyed). And yes Im pretty sure the hormones wont be a "trial" for a few months either. He wants to do it so badly that I cant see him stopping after just that.
   He is not going to a therapist about this though, should he be? And yeah I know since he is young our son would probably understand but its the fact that my family as well as my fiancé's family would stop all contact with us, including our son, and to me that just is not fair for him. But its a lot for me to take in currently and Im also finding it hard to be supportive. Like I mentioned about me crying a lot, I will cry and leave the room and my fiancé will notice and start saying he isn't going to do the treatments because its selfish of him. I know its what he wants but I cant seem to control how upset Iam.

With my wife and me it took 5 years of "experimenting" with my female side to come to terms with everything and reach HRT.....In no way is this an easy process.  But, we've been close since we were 13.  She has always been "straight" to the core, and never into women.  We experimented long and hard, with many tears on both parties trying to find a balance, spot.  I wont and cannot say its always an easy road, and sometimes, therapy is the better option.  You guys could always end up finding some middle ground through therapy, but each couple is different.  In the end it depends how deep your partners feelings run, how deep yours run, and how deep either of you are willing to go or willing to experiment.  in the end, my wife just realized im still me regardless of my clothing, and in fact, am more so me because of my gender role being adjusted and hormones balancing me out emotionally.  But we are all different. 

As for kids, we don't have any per say, but have 14 nieces and nephews we helped raise and let me say they are all loving/accepting as they ever were, if not more expressive in their happiness 'cuz they see me happy and being myself.  No one is iffy on me being around their children, and it wasn't even a hard explanation (our youngest niece/nephew is 8 ) we have a great niece that is 18 months, and loves me to death.  Everyone knows me as Aunt Dayna, and its amazing.

I recommend you both sit down, talk, and look for a therapist.  Just diving into HRT is dangerous, highly. And rushing things on either end, can be very very dangerous as well.  Best of wishes! I'll check in on this here and there, and if you need any help I am here....for what that is for someone on the internet lol!  If you want my facebook page, lemme know!

[katieliz2012]

I'm going through an extremely similar situation, and I understand where you're coming from for most of what you said. My fiance and I have talked about what to tell out 4 month old when she looks at pictures of her first year and she had a daddy, but realistically, the baby will see him everyday. She'll see the process happening and she isn't likely to question it until she has a better grasp of the world and society (years from now).

Also, I'm not sure where you would fall on the Kinsey Scale, but unless it's a 1, you might try to stay together. If you love him that much and are willing to stay friends and support him, you might try to stay together. There's nothing telling you if you stay with him now, you can't leave later if you realize that you really can't be with a woman. But if you've never been with a woman before, how can you really know?

If you need someone to talk to, I'm here and happy to help however I can.