Kent's (FTM) Blog

[Erik Ezrin]

(okay, I'll say firstly that this midday I'll leave to holiday for 3 weeks, so I cannot answer your replies in that time)

I understand she wishes it to 'pass by' eventually, my parents probably would too, but as you're dealing with this for quite a long time I REALLY hope she'll eventually accept you as who you truly are, and see that transitioning isn't an 'option' but a necessity! And she sees you are truly male, not a 'girl wanting to be a guy' or something like that, but just as much as a true guy as a cisguy.

I probably cannot read how it went, as I'll be away already, but I'll keep my fingers crossed for you. It's good not to have too high hopes though, as then you could get another enormous blow like before. Ms. De Johnge has more experience with transpeople, right? As she's part of the VUMC gender team and all. So I guess she should understand your situation (I really hope so at least!)
And otherwise, can't you just say you want to 'try' it out for a while at least, and then get them to continue calling you Bryan (or Kent. I like Kent better too, so I hope you can get that name though Bryan is a nice name as well). After I 'accidentally' *coughcough* turned into a guy in LARP, people jokingly started to address me as a guy OOC as well, and then I told them that they should call me Erik and not my birthname if they want to do that, at first they joked about it, but now it's my 'nickname', and lots of people call me that all of the time, lol!

I understand that made you feel uncomfortable, yeah. Often when someone cries I just don't know what to do, I want to do something to make them happy again, but often I can't... and they just need some peace and time to cry out.
Well, you sure haven't committed a crime. You just want to be who you are, that's all. I totally understand your feelings though, I'd probably feel about the same :/ I just hope that in time they'll understand, and will accept you as the guy that you are!

[Kent]

Have fun on your holiday! I'll be going to Spain the next week on Thursday. :]

I hope so too she will be able to accept it eventually. She says so much to me she wants me to accept myself as how I am and as person, but it doesn't feel right this way. I hate the feminine parts of my body and the way I'm being spoken to, and I just feel male and am that inside. I really hope my mom can view me as a guy too eventually.

Thanks. Yeah I think she will be able to understand it better too, but it might be possible she would have to see me first at the VUMC before she can make such a decision. I asked already to my parents if I could try it during the vacation but they don't want to unless they know it's good to do.
I'm gonna try to talk a bit more about the name with my mom. Though I shouldn't talk too much either so I need to be careful on that. I really like it a lot more too, and my mom knows I do not mean to replace my brother by choosing that name. She's more afraid of the reactions of the family but I tell her she shouldn't think of what others might think (something I did a lot in the past, sometimes still do but in this case not).
Haha that's really cool you managed to let them do that. I've always had a male identity on the Internet (only when I just joined the Internet in 2007 or something when I didn't knew I was transgender I didn't state I was male, but I realize now all characters I had made back then looked very male lol). I had been thinking a few times to state I am transgender openly on deviantART and such but I know of a few persons who did that and they kind of got bullied with it, though they were also very popular persons but still, you'd always be more at risk of being bullied. One time I also had 'Other' as my gender but that didn't felt right either because people might ask what pronouns to use, or I'd get asked questions about it.

Thank you for understanding. It means a lot to me. :]

[Kent]

So as an update on things, my mom had called Friday to the gender clinic and she was told to call back on Monday. Monday she called and had called when the gender team wasn't available anymore, so she had to call back on Tuesday. So Tuesday she called and they wanted to read stuff about me first before making an appointment so she had to call back today again. So at last today she had called and at first she got another person and was told to go on vacation first and call back after that, which was very rude. So my mom got very mad and told him we couldn't go happily on vacation if we had to wait longer to make an appointment until we could go to the gender clinic, and the person kept implying it wasn't possible to make an appointment. And just now she got called back by the other person she called before and finally we could have an appointment on 7 August which is around three days after we've returned from Spain.
We couldn't contact Ms. de Johnge yet 'cause she's busy so I'll just have to deal with going through vacation with my birth name and all, but hopefully after the vacation I can have permission to be called as how I want, and perhaps during the vacation I can talk with my mom now and then about if she would want me to have the name Bryan or Kent.

[Erik Ezrin]

I have internet for a short moment, so I'll leave a reply.

I was mostly male on the internet too, but somewhat later I started using a female name belonging to a fantasy character of mine (Wheel of Time based, but there only females can be educated to magicians (long story)), Beyla, and then switched back to using a male name later. I have never used a female game character though. I love it so much to be unquestionably seen as a guy on the internet. No explanations, no questions, no hassle, just stating you're a guy is enough. I wish it were so easy irl, lol.

I have openly on my DA that I'm transgender, and no one has said nasty things so far, but then again, I'm not quite a really popular and well-known deviant, lol. I have been bullied lots in the past though (not over the internet, but irl), and over time I got kind of a thick skin for people being a total ass, so as long as the people I know or care about aren't rude to me, I'm happy (which they were by ignoring my 'coming out' (I don't feel out at all...)), and if someone says something nasty, pfff... that's more their problem than mine! Then they need to get themselves checked, imo.

I'm sorry for you that it will take till after the holiday, but at least it's not too much after you came back. I'll keep my fingers crossed for a positive response!
And now I'll be off for a few weeks again, so I probably cannot reply for a long time.

[Kent]

Yeah I agree. I realize now I pretty much had neutral-ish names for characters I had made in the past (for example one was called Varis, which means crow in Finnish). I like too how everyone sees me as a guy on the Internet.

I just read through that. It must have taken a heck lot of courage to post that and I can relate a lot to how you described your feelings. I didn't read every comment cause I don't have enough time for that, but I believe many people reacted positive, right? I saw one though which I at first thought to be a negative comment but upon reading it another time I understood it better and it wasn't what I at first thought. I often need to read something twice not to label something as negative or mean.
I might read all reactions later, cause I'm curious to know what they exactly thought. I think you described everything perfectly on your journal either way.
I also sort of confronted my mom a bit with that she's saying she doesn't see me as a boy, but it also happens a lot she makes comments like 'you're just like a man' when I for example arrived in Spain a few days ago and threw the clothes in the closet instead of putting them there neatly, those kind of things. And then she admitted that perhaps she doesn't want to see it yet or find it hard to accept. But she's also comparing me a lot to transgenders who had it at very early ages, and to cisgender boys who played with cars and such and saying I didn't do that. But I never played with dolls and all that stuff either. I just gamed a lot with my stepbrothers, and I never am fond of cars, trains, etc, because I'm simply a nature-loving person and I don't like human-made things (except games and Internet I enjoy so I can be in a different world). I'm really trying to understand how my mom feels but I find it very hard to do. I mean, I will stay the same person, and she says a lot it feels like she's 'losing her daughter'. I just don't understand that. I'm not dying or anything, I won't become a different person, all I will be is happy with my own body. I'm quite empathic so I can understand a lot of things and situations, but no matter how hard I try I just can't understand her in this, which I feel kinda guilty about.

Yeah at least I won't have to look completely upset to when we will go home again. We will be in Spain for 3 weeks though instead of 3 and a half weeks as was told to me before, so that's kind of a bummer but I shouldn't whine. Some people can't even go on vacation. For now during my time here I just try not to get too irritated whenever my name and the wrong pronouns are being said and focus on the vacation itself, or else my vacation would get ruined because of that and that wouldn't be good.
Ok, have lots of fun out there and talk to you later! :]

[Kent]

http://www.kentlaiton.com/tg.html
New blog entry and photographs posted today.

[Kent]

New blog entry, got back from the VU today, with both somewhat good and not so good news...
http://www.kentlaiton.com/tg.html