Kent's (FTM) Blog

[Kent]

I've started my own blog yesterday, and it feels good to write it all down (and now to share it) rather than talking way too much about it with other people. For now I'm keeping it only on my website.

http://www.kentlaiton.com/tg.html

[Erik Ezrin]

Hey Bryan! Thanks for sharing your blog, I'm thinking of making one too, 'cause I sometimes just feel the need to write stuff down, to order things up in my head and such, y'know.
And I see you're from the Netherlands, so am I! I just wonder how you got your appointment at the gender clinic (do you need a referral?), and if it costs money (and if so; how much), or if it's covered by basic health insurance. Do you know any of those things??
Also do you have an idea how long it would generally take to be allowed on hormones and such here? And how big the chance is that you AREN'T allowed on them (it would kill me... but I just assume that won't happen)
And is it true you HAVE to get SRS in the Netherlands if you want hormones? As I'm not quite keen on that (I have no to very little bottom dysphoria. I just want to be seen as a guy. Okay, if they could give me a REAL penis I wouldn't refuse, but these things are just gimmicks. And it's a heavy operation too!) Oh man, I have so many questions right now... (sorry if I'm bothering you with them, lol)
I'll keep my fingers crossed for the good news!

[Kent]

No problem I don't mind the questions at all. :]
Cool you're from the Netherlands too! I don't think you neccesary need a referral, if I'm not mistaken I think my mom had called to the VU, and then I had been put on a long waiting list. But it might be possible you have to, because I've been on teraphy at first but again I'm not sure. Either way, when I could finally come there there were a lot of tests and all. You do need however a close person, preferably parents, and they also have support for parents.
I just asked my stepdad and he says the money is covered.
I have read that you will not be allowed on hormones if you smoke, don't sport enough (you would need to do sports at least three times in the week) and you need to eat and drink lots of milk and cheese so your bones will be strong enough. Also, if you would possibly get the red light there (which I'm still quite afraid of) I think I have read that will only happen if you come to an agreement with the person you talk with, but I'm not completely certain about that. Either way the person I had there (Ms. de Johnge, I believe) was very nice and understanding, and I felt very comfortable to talk with her.

I'm pretty sure you will first have the talks, then if you get the green light, then hormone stoppers, then the desired hormones, and when you're 18 you can get surgery.
It really is a heavy operation, and at first I wanted bottom surgery too, but everything beforehand for the bottom surgery... I think I can't handle that because they would have to look at your downstairs area and all. :/

Hope I answered everything and correctly. Also here is the site of the VUMC so you can find more info: http://www.vumc.nl/afdelingen/zorgcentrum-voor-gender/

[Erik Ezrin]

Thanks a lot for the reply! I never met a transguy from the Netherlands, and I couldn't find answers to all my questions by just googling around (some sites are really outdated too, or just give the wrong info), so I'm really glad you can help me out a bit!
Ahh okay, I was kinda afraid of a waiting list. How long is average waiting time?
Right now that would be difficult, as I'm not out to my parents yet, but I want to come out as soon as possible. I'm just still a little scared what their reaction might be :s And I was secretly hoping I could start my transition, or at least therapy, without my parents and then later tell them (I'm 18, so I hoped that would be possible. I feel like I waited way too long already...!)
And glad it's covered. As I'm just a poor student, lol. And I don't think my parents will pay...
Okay, that's not too much of a problem either. I'm also kinda afraid to get red light, but I assume as long as you are 'mentally stable' and have support of a close relative or something the chances are pretty slim.

Do you HAVE to start with hormone stoppers? As I thought that was more something for young transpeople, so they wouldn't go through the wrong puberty and such (as when you quit the hormone stoppers, your biological hormones come back anyway, right? And I'm completely through puberty anyway)
And same here. I would find them messing with my downstairs space even worse than having it there, just as it is. I don't even notice it exists 99% of the time anyway (damn periods excluded >_< but T would fix those soon!) Maybe I'd eventually get okay with it, but right now the thought makes me kinda sick...

Yeah! Thanks a lot for the answers and the link. What I can see from the wait list thing on their site it would take about 16 months before being allowed on hormones since initial intake. Damn! That's so long... but better late than never.

[Kent]

No problem. A few weeks ago I would've said too I never met a transguy from the Netherlands but quite funnily someone in my class at school turned out to be transgender too so that's pretty awesome. Well you are the second then. :]
The waiting time is like a year I'm afraid, but if I remember it correctly I think I was placed quite high at the list... maybe because my therapist helped me, but not sure.
Ah yeah it's good to come out soon. Yeah it's difficult to judge how they react. I think I had a bit of difficulity too when I wanted to tell it and told it to my teacher at first and she said I should tell my parents if I wanted to get help on it as soon as possible. My parents at first kind of thought I was joking, and when they realized it more it wasn't easy but they accepted it, though my mom sometimes tried to encourage me not to transition at all but now she's starting to understand me more. If your parents love you then they will eventually accept it I'm sure, even though the first reaction could possibly be harsh. Just have faith in them, and try to find a good way to tell it. I just told it simple and short to my parents, but I also read some people wrote a letter and that idea I like too, but from my own experience it's best not to make the story too long for they will have a lot to let sink in anyway, and more explaining can always come later.

Hmm I think you had to but now I'm starting to doubt, lol. I wish I could find these papers of information I had about it all but I can't find them anymore. :/ And yeah some part in your brain is basically knocked out for a month if you use hormone stoppers, and then you have to knock 'em out again through an injection.
Yeah for me the traumatic-sounding experience is just not worth it. I think I might just use a packer later or something than a though operation like that.
Oh and I don't have my periods anymore, because I have pills for that. My mom wants me to stop with the pills in the vacations to avoid sudden unexpected blood loss but I don't think that will happen, and if it will happen well then I'll learn from it. xD

No problem, and yeah it's very long indeed. I'm pretty much still in the same spot as you, since I'm still at those starting conversations and most people would have probably gotten the green light way earlier than I would now since it's been like 1 and a half year since last time I was at the gender clinic. I really wanna go back there soon and hope I won't have to go through a waiting list by then.

[Erik Ezrin]

Ohh that's really awesome! Sometimes I wish I knew a transguy IRL, 'cause then you can at least talk a bit about some things I wouldn't like to discuss with a cisperson ("What do you think of this packer here?" Lol!) And it might make me more comfortable talking about this stuff too, as I totally am not at the moment.
Oww, lucky you man! I get so tired of this waiting, but yeah, not much of a choice. If there are such long waiting lists, why don't they open another gender clinic? *grumble*
Yeah, I should. Right now I'm a bit too afraid to tell them, and because of that I though of writing a letter too... but I did that when I 'came out' to my friends (I don't FEEL out tho'...), and they just totally IGNORED it. Not even rejecting, or being confused, or anything which I prepared myself for, but NOTHING at all. They just talked to me like normal, etc. but also suggested me to get a DRESS for the school ball, etc. and said absolutely nothing about what I wrote to them. But I was too much of a damn chicken to say, and felt horrible for days. I was really hoping they'd bring it up, 'cause I'm still really uncomfortable breaching this subject.
So to avoid this I'll wait till I'm ready to talk about it, and then come out face-to-face, instead of writing something.

Hmm, well, I guess I'll find out eventually. It's not on their site either, and if it is, I can't find it.
Yeah, I agree. there are pretty good packer prostetics too, and they're a lot cheaper than surgery! But yeah, who knows? I like to keep things open, especially at the point where I am now. But RIGHT NOW, I'd rather kill myself than have someone investigate my downward space.
No more periods... sounds like heaven! But yeah, I still have them, unfortunately. Once I'm out for a while and all I'll see whether I can find something like that too, as I guess those pills are easier to get than hormones, lol. And why the sudden blood loss? If you keep taking the pills that won't happen, right??

You're a bit ahead As I yet have to START with those conversations. What makes whether you get green light quickly or not then?
I really hope so for you too! I'll keep my fingers crossed!

[Kent]

Yeah it helps a lot for sure. I hope you'll find another transgender IRL too, and if not you can always try asking at the gender clinic when you're there if they can find someone. I did that too, and I got in contact with another person, but she was a transgender and had decided to stay female so I didn't really felt very comfortable talking with her, and we didn't had any interests in common and for me that doesn't work that well. But you'll never know, you might find a great transgender buddy.
I had read though from some news thing from last year that they are trying to reduce the waiting time. So maybe it's a bit shorter now than what I had been told back then.
Man that's awful they had completely ignored you. I would hate that. :/ Yeah you just gotta find the right moment when you are ready to talk about it, just make sure you won't wait so long that you'll eventually get in a sad mood from it. The first step is coming out and when you've done that you can move to the next step.

Perhaps I will be able to take on a surgery later, but right now it would be too difficult with the stuff beforehand. The thing is just I want to do camping a lot later in life, and I would just really prefer if I can pee standing up without having a STP to keep and clean up the whole time. It just would make things much easier, but for now it has no rush. First I want to hear if I may finally go through life with the name and pronouns I want. Also, when I will return to the gender clinic I will ask right away if it is required to have hormone stoppers too, cause I'm curious about it too.
Yeah it really is great not to have that anymore. I hated it so much I can't even describe it through words. And yeah that's what I think too but my mom says it can happen because she read it on the Internet, and I don't think it'll happen.

Yeah that's true, but still I'm not as far as most transgenders are when they came out 3/4 years ago, I think. Well I hope you'll find the right moment to tell your parents soon so you can go to the gender clinic. Lol who knows perhaps we'll see each other there someday. xD Would be awesome.

[Kent]

Added some more photographs to the timeline of the blog on this page: http://www.kentlaiton.com/tg-ph.html
I hope to get more when I'll be on vacation in Spain in two weeks. I told my mom she was allowed this time to make more photographs of me (because I always hated to be photographed, still do, but it's now for my timeline which I find to be important) and she was really happy to have heard that, and my dad is proud of me I have put photographs of myself on my website (not gonna publish them visibly on my website anytime soon though, for now the link is only shared here).

[Erik Ezrin]

Nice pics Bryan! Love the wolf shirt (the one with the green eyes) and very nice dog too! I have little knowledge of dog breeds, but he/she looks like a German Shepherd, but I never knew those could be white! I have always wished to have a dog, but my dad has a hair allergy, so I never had any pets but goldfish and rabbits (they could stay outside, so it was ok for him) :/

I hope so too! I'm going to study next year (biology!), and chances are there will be more transpeople (I hope at least), so I'll try to get in contact with them if possible. I'll ask at the gender clinic too, but it'll probably take a while till I'll get there *sigh* I just keep telling myself it's worth the wait.
Having similar interests is very important for me too, and I agree it would be nice to have a trans-friend who also wants to transition, as then you're going through similar things and such. (I think though, that if this person still identifies as trans, even though not wanting to transition, it is most appropriate to use male pronouns, just saying.) And I hope so too! That would be great!
I really hope so. If waiting long is what it takes, so be it, but honestly I'd ofc prefer it to happen a lot sooner!
Yeah, it was horrible! I was also really angry with myself for being such a coward, now I just see I wasn't yet really ready to tell them, and once I am, I will do it in person to avoid another awkward situation like this. Being misgendered while you told them is even worse than being misgendered in pure ignorance :/

I really like camping too! Later in life I want to make some big backpacking journey's, I cannot yet decide which place I want to visit first though, nor do I have a friend who shares this dream (yet). And I agree, being able to pee standing without STP would be awesome, but right now I just cherish the small steps (like I just had my parents say I should just buy men's clothes and products if I like them more. And I'm not even out yet! ), and eventually finally not being called "girl" anymore (my mum really LOVES to call me "her sweet girl" all the time. Makes me really dysphoric!) and being called the right name + pronouns.
I'm curious what the answer is! As I really thought they were only for pre-puberty transpeople. ('dem lucky ones!)
Pfff I don't think it will happen either. Not everything on the internet is true, or the chance is probably just very low.

I hope so too! I'm also really looking forward to university next year, 'cause then can start again off the right foot by telling them my name and preferred pronouns, etc. At this point I'm totally fine with people knowing I'm trans, if that's what it takes for them to accept me as a guy or not ask weird questions ("You look WAYY too young for university, man!").
And that would be awesome, yeah! And who knows, right? ;P

Holy s**t! SO MUCH TEXT!! :O
Got a bit in a ramble mood, hehehe :'D

[Kent]

Thanks! I like that shirt a lot too, I got it from my aunt and it reminds me a bit of my own wolf/dragon character because of the green eyes. One day I hope to have a shirt with a print of my own art on it. xD And yes she is a White Swiss Shepherd, though that's pretty much a White German Shepherd too. They are amazing friendly dogs, and I really have a big bond with Moya (that's her name).
I actually am allergic for dogs too but I'm not letting it bother me and I think I got quite resistant against it. Only when I sit too long with her my eyes might itch but I don't really care, lol. I cannot imagine a life without a dog. It's always nice to be greeted when you get home and I also really enjoy walking with Moya. I hope you can someday have a dog too, truly worth it in my opinion.

That would be nice if you could find more transpeople there. It feels great to be understood more.
Ah and about that person I came in contact with, she wanted to stay female and isn't at the gender clinic anymore so that's why I used female pronouns, because she indentified herself as so. Otherwise I would use male pronouns of course, that's much more respectful and I would like that too in my case when people write or speak about me.
It took a long time for the people around me in rl but I'm hardly ever being called 'girl' and such anymore. Only sometimes strangers who know what my name is and such could call me that. Sometimes I'm more strong against it than other times. One moment I can pretty much break down from it and other moments it does nearly nothing to me. It really depends on the situation and how many people are around me. It took a long time for me though to be more though against it. A few years ago when something like that was said to me, it could literary ruin my whole day.

Yeah I have slight plans to live in the wild when I'm like really old later. xD In the meanwhile I'm reading lots of survival books and a couple of months ago I went to camp on the land of my father (he haves a bit of a farm-like idea) in a tent alone, and it was so awesome. And a tame crow went to visit as well.
That's awesome you made that step already! Maybe you could also try to bring up the subject about transgenders, or the LGBT community, and ask what they think of it. Just something that randomly popped up in mind.

I have in one situation at a painting club too where I am called Bryan and with male pronouns, and that makes me feel so much more at ease and myself. Only the problem is when I'm there the majority of people are 40 year old women and they talk the whole time, and for an autistic person like me it's just very tiring having to sit listening to those stories making no sense and it makes me unable to draw, and I have to sit there for 2 hours. But the person who helps me there have asked if I would like to have privé lessons cause he could see how tired I was every time, so I hope that can happen.
That would be really cool if you can do that in university. I had been wanting to do that too when I went to my new school 2 years ago, but my mom thought it would be too early for that. :/ I just don't get it. So many people think such things are too early to do and I'm sitting with this problem for so many years, why would it hurt to be called what I want to be seen as? It would make me much more happier and things much easier for me, such as introducing my name, I hate that so much. I really hope Thursday they won't say such things again. I'm gonna try to fight verbally if I must to get what I want. xD

Lol same here. xD Ah nothing wrong with that. It feels good to talk about it all. :]

Also as a side note, have you also ever read the book 'Jongensdroom' by Lorna Minkman? I can truly recommend it. It's an amazing book, became one of my favorites despite me disliking reading in Dutch, and I can relate so well to the main character and they all feel very realistic. I had also mailed the author (I always do when I've read a good book) and explained my situation and that I find it amazing how well she can put herself in the shoes of a transgender as a writer. Since I was loaning the book from a friend, she had even sent me a copy of the book (because it isn't being sold anymore and hard to get) and signed as well. I am now also letting my mom read the book in hopes so she might understand better how I feel, and my stepdad might read it too in the vacation.

[Erik Ezrin]

Awesome! I only have a dragon/human shapeshifter character, and a dog character (and a few more, but not a wolf/dragon one). Lately my LARP (think D&D + WoW, but REAL!) char got his soul merged with the one of a wolf, which was pretty darn awesome. At the same day I got "cursed" and turned into a guy (my character was female before, then I explained them I'd rather play as a male and they were like "Okayy, we'll fix that" if it only were that easy IRL!), I had such a great day then!
And that sounds awesome. I've always loved dogs, but my parents said it wasn't going to happen as long as I lived with them. When I live on my own I DEFINITELY want a dog!

Yeah, indeed. And at my age, social contact has gotten kinda awkward towards both genders. With tomboyish girls I'm usually fine, but I still cannot really be the guy that I am amongst them, but amongst guys I also notice they treat me differently, which is really annoying!
Ahhh! So she THOUGHT she was trans, but eventually realized she wasn't? Well, yeah, then female pronouns are most appropriate indeed. I just thought she was a transguy who decided not to transition (Ryan Cassata is one of them, because he's afraid to lose his singing voice, I think).
It depends with me too. Sometimes I just have a 'bad day' and anything can set me off, and other times I'm just like 'Pfff, whatever. Let them talk. I know what I am' and don't care that much. I find it worst when I'm in public, and my mum starts saying things like "Sweet girl" and "You're the best daughter, *birthname*", then I really want to tell her to shut up and stop blowing ANY chances of passing straight away. When I'm ONLY among people who know me as a girl I don't like it, but I mind it less, because I know that's simply how they know me. I'd of course prefer it if they just called me Erik an used male pronouns though :/
When a stranger misgenders me it hits me much harder than when someone else does, 'cause then I know I'm not passing and I will keep milling for days WHY he thought I was a 'she'.

Ahh yes! I have that too. Not being dependant on supermarkets, or other global companies, but be (almost?) self-sufficient. Surrounded by nature. I'm not sure if I could live alone or with only one or a few people for so long though, so I'll just see where time takes me! And that's awesome! I've been camping many times (never alone though), and I love it. Especially when standing in a small field with no other tents or straight in nature, instead of one of those BIG campings with lots of facilities. I hate those. When I want facilities I'd rent a holiday home, not a tent.
I checked with them a few times, and they seem supportive of transpeople, but I'm not sure how they would feel when their OWN kid would be trans. I don't think they'd disown me, or anything like that, but they'd probably be shocked at best.

Yeah, women talk... A LOT. When my mum's friend comes over they also talk -very loudly- about all sorts of not-so-interesting things. I tried to join in a few times, but got annoyed by them soon enough, lol. You just have a double 'mismatch' there! Age group, and gender (though women can be great company for sure. If they're interested in the same things...) I like chatting, but sometimes it just goes on, and on, and on, and I need to withdraw myself a little to regain energy. I like doing things together, and talking along a bit in the process, not just 'sitting on a sofa and chatting with a cup 'o tea' or something, lol. That can be being active outside, playing a (video/board/card)game or just drawing together, comparing, learning from each other's techniques, etc.
And I hope so too! I'll keep my fingers crossed for 'ya!
Ikr, it's so annoying! But my parents won't come with me -gladly- when going to uni, so I can just tell everyone about it without my parents finding out, and when they do, they're too late to stop me anyway.
And I hope so too! Why don't they let you introduce yourself as who you are?! ): It's not like name/pronoun changes are irreversible, etc.

Yeah, indeed! I like talking with you too

No, never heard of it, but it sounds nice! I usually don't like reading in Dutch either, and mostly stick to the fantasy/sci-fi genre when it comes to novels, but reading a book about an FtM transsexual would be pretty interesting. I'll see if I can get my hands on it somewhere!

[Kent]

That's cool. :] I kind of consider my wolf/dragon character as my Soul-Self, and I had him in mind since I was like 8 years old. I roleplay and write as him as well, it's nice sometimes to be 'in my own world' at times, or just fantasizing can be good enough if I can concentrate well.

Yeah I have the exact same problem. I don't like being social with people from my own age group oddly enough, though I don't mind on the Internet. But yeah I know that feeling of not being completely yourself amongst boys and girls. I really hope when I will be seen as male by everyone that will change, I'm actually almost sure that will happen. I feel so much more myself when others see me as a boy... gah, I just can't keep my mind off of it and I'm quite scared they will say no to that. :/ But I've got good arguments, and indeed it's always irreversible, I think much easier than vice-versa hence why I want to have the name change happen now. My mom's just mainly afraid of other people possibly turning mean against me if I tell them about my name change. However, everyone I know knows about my transgender issue so they would see it coming, and if they have something against it then I'll just say I want to be treated as how I am and they can't change that. And another good side is that I won't have to tell anymore to strangers I am transgendered, because they would already treat me as male, thus avoiding any more possible conflicts (I had a really bad experience with a taxi driver once). Really, I see nothing bad in it.

I can react so mad when things like that would be said to me. Not a good thing to do, though. Many people told me I should treat it as a joke, but no matter how hard I try I can't do that yet. Hearing something like that would never make me smile or laugh. But from my experience you can at least get stronger against it, and that's really all you can do, and when you've told everyone of being trans, you can also correct them.

When friends of my mom come over I just walk away or go upstairs. I don't even want to hear their talks, it doesn't interest me a single bit. I don't even understand how most women come to visit each other and then sit and talk the whole time. Just... so boring. I'd rather play video games or draw, or some other activity instead of just sitting and talking.

Sorry for my bit of a short reply, feeling a bit tired.

[Erik Ezrin]

No problem. The replies were getting pretty darn long anyways *replies with a >-bleeped-<load of text himself*

That's pretty awesome! I have some OC's, but none of them being my 'soul self' (though all being a part of me of sorts). Though one comes near to being 'me' as a comic character.
I like writing for that reason. When I just fantasize my concentration tends to be diffuse and easily distracted, while if I write I get into some sort of an 'artists bubble/trance' in which I become part of my own story. I have the same when I draw. Other people only see a static drawing, one short frame, but when I draw I tend to imagine a whole world and story around that one drawing. I talk to myself why he looks the way he does, or is in a certain place, what he has done before, etc. etc.

Yeah. Whenever I talk with people IRL I somehow always feel like either being ignored, or just treated oddly or something. I also constantly feel like I'm not being myself, etc. just pretty uncomfortable. I'm naturally an extroverted person though, but these trans issues and being bullied a lot in the past has made me kind of introverted and socially awkward, which really makes me sad.
And that also is why I'd like trans friends, 'cause I know they will certainly accept me as a guy, and not either be like 'you're not a real guy' or treat me as a kid, 'cause that's what I look like compared to other guys of my age.
Neither do I! You totally pass, and I would be more surprised if you introduced as a female than as male, actually. And besides that; everybody has the free right to be themselves!

Lol, that's like my opposite. I hardly get seriously mad with someone (or they must knowingly insult me), and I'd more go into the opposite direction of just feeling crappy and >-bleeped-<. When I was younger I used to get angry really quickly, I always shouted and tried to punch people (I'm not strong at ALL! Lol!), which got me into trouble quite some times. (other people 99% of the time being stronger and bigger, and finding it amusing when a small kid like me freaked out big time)
It would never make me smile either though. Right now I TRY to smile when my mum says such things, as I know she means it as a compliment, but I just can't. It always ends up being a sour "I hate this >-bleeped-<" smile, lol.

Haha, lol, yeah, that's what women do! I like to talk, but it depends HOW you talk and WHEN you do it. I like talking over things while doing something at the same time. You casually discuss some general things you wanted to talk about anyway, and when you're bored or run out of words you say something about the drawing/game/etc.
And it also depends what the subject is. I have pretty geeky friends who don't talk about fashion or boring stuff like that. But I still miss normal 'bro-contact' and get annoyed by them sometimes... :/

[Kent]

Yeah same here. I can completely get sucked up when I'm drawing or writing and completely forget about the time and all, and nearly nothing in 'the real world' so to say can awake me from my trance-like state. xD I have a very close connection with my Soul-Self, and what he feels I feel and vice-versa. Sometimes that can be very annoying though, like when something bad happened to him it can affect my mood greatly. Especially when I had to kill off a main character in my novel I felt very down for a couple of days as if I really had lost a friend.
Nonetheless it also is a very big help, like when I'm in a situation I don't know what to do, I can ask to my Soul-Self for advice, since he is how I want to be, my inner personality, he always points me in the right direction.

I'm quite introverted too, though I'm trying to show my emotions more and most of all my anger, but I find it hard to do so because afterwards I can feel really guilty for being angered at someone. And something really annoying is that I most of the time just 'smile things off' while I don't want to smile at all, but I smile because I'm uncertain and no matter how hard I try I can't seem to get rid of that. If I could control it more I wouldn't smile much at all, because I only want to when I mean it, and people are getting completely the wrong view because of this. They think of me as being very happy all the time which I'm not. :/
Thanks. I've written down a whole list of arguments yesterday why I think it's good to apply the name change in my daily life, and I have the idea of printing out copies of the list and giving it to everyone during the conversation, because I believe letting them read it registers in their minds better than me reading the whole list aloud. But I first need to ask if that's okay to my personal aid so I'll see if I can do that or not. Tomorrow's the big day and I really hope it may happen... otherwise I just... gee, I nearly had this idea of ignoring everyone who would call me by my birth name if it may not happen, but that'd be a bit rude no? Well I'll just see what they think of it... I'm starting to feel more nervous about it, which I didn't expect. But mom's warning me a lot that it could go the way I wouldn't want, and it's making me more uncertain and scared it won't happen.

I often have when I speak out I don't want to be called those words then I often get rid of the crap feeling too.
Yeah so many people tried to let me see as a positive thing, as it is a compliment, but sadly I can't see it that way. I know they don't mean it that way but it just feels insulting to me and as if they have no respect for my wish to become a boy.

I'm pretty much only involved in conversations when people talk about something that interests me. If people are whining about how bad the weather is for example, I never join it and think 'just accept what nature gives. Whining won't change a thing about the weather'. Many thought I had been too shy to join in a conversation, but really the majority of subjects people talk about doesn't interest me a bit and then I just try to isolate myself, though I still tend to get irritated listening to the talking.

[Erik Ezrin]

That's pretty awesome (not that it makes you feel down when something bad happens, but that you can draw strength, etc. from him), I have a character, Collin (his name was Erik first, but I didn't want him to have the same name as me, lol! And Collin was the first male name appearing on my 'name list', for some reason), and he basically is me, but how I WANT to be. How I see myself on the inside. Still with some flaws, but not the ones that aren't truly 'me', if you get that. I don't have SUCH a deep connection with him as you with your soul-self  though, and when something bad happens in the story it doesn't make me feel like crap either.

I hardly ever get angry, lol! Sometimes I think I SHOULD get more angry, because sometimes people just walk straight over me, and I don't do anything to stop them. I can sometimes get really angry, but never for a long time.
And I know what you mean, yeah. And I agree, you should only smile when you mean it. I hope you can get rid of that habit eventually, as it's annoying when other people think you're happy when you're not, and confusing for them ("But you smiled!").

I think the list idea is really a good one, and there's no harm in doing it. Sometimes when I did presentations for school I also handed out a summary with bullet points on it, and it seemed to help people remember everything better, also in the long run.
And the second idea, well, yeah, it borders to rude indeed... but I think it's ALSO rude of them not to respect your simple wish to be called the right name and pronouns. You could see what happens, and if they keep being disrespectful of it and aren't even seriously TRYING, you can actually do that, I think.
Usually when people on the street call me 'miss', I ignore them as well. If they keep bugging me I usually do look at them and reply kinda confused like "You're talking to me? Ohhh, you thought I was a girl, right? Yeah, I hear that more often..." 9 out of 10 times the person is kinda embarrassed for misgendering you and politely says he's sorry for doing so.
But why wouldn't it then? Why can't people just use your real name? Or do you want to get it legally changed now??

Well, if they KNEW I'd want to be a boy/feel like a boy, I'd be seriously insulted as well. But they don't. They know no better for I am 'just' a tomboyish girl, and when they say those things they genuinely think they make me happy with them :/ my mum also knows my self esteem isn't that great, and I think she interprets the unhappy looks for disagreeing with her saying I look good, and not with her saying "girl". Or words like "you're so sweet/cute/pretty/lovely/etc." *sigh*

I'm usually pretty good at 'short chit-chat', though I agree on the weather thing. Complaining about it won't change a bloody thing, lol! (and especially in a cold and wet summer like this one people complain about the weather 'round the clock!) and talking about subjects I REALLY like is kinda dangerous, lol! I get into a 'geek mode' where I want to overrule the conversation and just cannot stop talking, to many people's annoyance. Then I get into a very 'autistic' mood where I stick WAY longer to the subject than the other people want to, they are already bored by it and I'm still happily chattering along, not noticing they have long lost interest in what I was saying. LOL!

[Kent]

That's really cool. Kent was the name I wanted as a real name at first too, but that name is actually the name of my brother who had passed away at birth. But I just really like the name, and by no means I'd want to use it to replace him, only because I like the name. My mom doesn't mind me using the name as my artist name, and then I went to search for another name and stumbled upon Bryan thanks to the movie Taken 2. xD And I like that name too, not as much as Kent, but it's good enough for my liking, and my parents are getting a bit used to it more I think.

I've got a reply from my personal aid and she says it's ok to let everyone read a copy of the list. I printed out 15 copies yesterday so I hope that's enough. I have no idea how many people total will come.
Yeah I just feel very disrespected if I may not be called how I want to be. I can pretty much see the excuse 'you will have to wait til you return to the VUMC' coming, and then I'll just say I've been waiting long enough and I want something to happen or else I'll remain in this unhappy mood. What's all the waiting good for anyway? They only want to make certain they don't make mistakes but I am completely certain for years I want this.
And no I can't have it legally changed yet. I for now only want to be called by the name and pronouns I want, the legal stuff can come later, I think when I've had operations and such.

I really hope you  can tell how you feel soon, or else those irritating feelings will keep piling up and if they know of it you can let it out and explain what's bothering you.

I have a bit the same when I'm talking about things I like. I don't notice it easily either when others lose interest in what I'm talking about.

Well I'll be leaving in three hours from now to the conversation. Man, I can't wait. Now I need to kill some time through playing Pokémon. xD

[Erik Ezrin]

It's a shame you can't use Kent, but I understand your parents having difficulty with it, and Bryan is a nice name too!

Yeah man! I totally don't understand what they're fussing about! If it's not legal or anything...!
I even know of plenty of transguys just 'trying out' name and pronouns to see how it feels and whether they like it or not, and no one making a fuss. I don't get why to wait with that either, you've definitely thought about it VERY well, and even if you wouldn't... it's reversible! I MIGHT slightly understand when it was about a legal change, but this just makes no sense! Respecting you is the LEAST they can do, really.
And the legal stuff doesn't matter so much to me now either. I just want people to accept and see me as a guy, use right name + pronouns, get on T,... and then look into a legal name change.

Hmm, yeah so do I. I have a good trans friend whom I can talk things over with, he lives all the way in Finland though :/ but I don't want to rush it either. That last "coming out" (I don't feel 'out' at all) went wrong because I went in too soon, and told them before I really was comfortable doing so, which made me feel even worse than before.

Haha, yeah! I could talk all day about that one thing, but wayy before then the rest is bored with it already, lol.

Ohh good luck! How did it go??

[Kent]

Well... unfortunately it's bad news. I don't really feel like repeating myself so you can read it all in the new blog entry here:
http://www.kentlaiton.com/tg.html
I feel really awful and crushed right now.
Sorry I don't really feel to reply to everything else at the moment, might be able to pick it up later.

[Erik Ezrin]

I understand you don't want to tell it all over again, but man! That totally sucks!
Maybe I'm missing something, but why would you even need a formal consent of sorts to be ALLOWED to use your preferred name and pronouns? About all transguys I know just told their friends, family, etc. they were trans and wanted a new name + pronouns and then gave them a while to get used to the idea of calling someone something differently. No specialists or anything involved.
So... your parents and such still call you your birthname? Even though you explained them you are a boy and you really don't want to be called that anymore? Wow man! That is just really disrespectful in my opinion! ):<

And they didn't even read the papers!? What the heck...! I think they somehow don't WANT you to be trans or something, and hope that with more time you'll come back from it and happily be like 'Okayyyss I'm a girl!' *facepalm*
Ignoring them when they say your birthname or use wrong pronouns may be rude, and I dunno your parents... but they might get angry with you, but actually I think you have enough reason to deploy this last resort option.
I just don't even get it! WHY would they make such a fuss about it, or would you even need approval from the VUMC? I mean, it makes no sense at all!!

[Kent]

Yeah I know right, I thought so too and also said that a bit today. But they all want to think really wisely and want to be sure it's the right way, but I already know this for 3 or 4 years and it's like they still don't believe me. And my mom actually does say she hopes one day I will accept myself as I am and I have to tell her every time that it just won't happen, I mean of course it can change but I don't believe in that and if I would then I would only do it for everyone around me, but right now I just have to fight through this all I guess...

My mom called the VUMC today and they told her we can contact Ms. De Johnge who helped me by phone on Monday. So that's the slight hope I have left to get my name change... but I'm trying not to rely on it too much and expecting them to say they would decide when I would be back there again, or else the disappointed feeling would be very big again.
Another thing is that my mom said yesterday night that she is slightly doubting if she would allow me to have Kent as my name eventually or not. She says she liked the name a lot more because it's more unique and special, and I agree on that. So my name might be a subject to change eventually and we got a few days of thinking time if I might possibly have my name changed Monday. Still need to try not to hope too much... but it's hard. I hope I might be able to speak to Ms. De Johnge then but my mom will probably make the call when I'm away to trainings because she might not be available the whole day.

I had a talk with my personal aid today about it all and I was just shocked when she suddenly started crying. She as human really wants to grant my wish for me but she and the whole team are just unable to say anything of it because they don't have proper knowledge of transgenders. I felt really guilty because it made me realize how much it hurts everyone around me, too. Seriously feels like I commited a crime or something... While all I want is to be myself and accepted by others how I am inside.