Last minute tips about coming out?

[EdekStaszek]

I'm relatively new to Susan's, but I've known I'm trans for a while now. I am planning on coming out tonight to my mom, because my brothers are busy & my sister has a TV show to watch.
So i'm planning on coming out somewhat like this:
She's going to be lying on bed, probably on her cell phone. So I'm going to make her promise not to tell anyone about this thing that I've wanted to talk to her about. (If she happens to say no, then I can just drop it, and maybe come up with it later, but that's NOT likely at all.)
Then I don't exactly know what to say, so that's where you fine people from Susan's get to help. Do you have any suggestions? My mom is really supportive and I had mentioned the gay community when we had heard it on the radio, she seemed like she was indifferent about them, not at all hostile, that's a good start, i think ? She's born in Poland, and I think they're less trans-phobic than Americans. I think
Thank you all so much. I'll check back here in about an hour.
-Eddie

[ZoeM]

Good luck, Eddie. 
All the advice I have is, try to understand not just yourself, but your mother's situation. Think about what she's going through and try to be sympathetic.

[EdekStaszek]

Thanks, Zoe.
If you don't mind me asking, how did you come out to your parents?

[Ltl89]

Good luck, Eddie. 
All the advice I have is, try to understand not just yourself, but your mother's situation. Think about what she's going through and try to be sympathetic.

That's true.  After days of dealing with confusion and anger from family, I can tell you trying to assuage concerns is better than fighting.  Still, it's not always easy and some situations leave you nowhere to progress.

The best thing you can do is be honest about your situation and let them know what you are going through.  After that, try to be understanding and educate your mom, to the best of your ability, on what being trans is like.  Let her know that she isn't losing you and that you will remain the same person.  Her child will always be there.  Remember all this takes time.  My coming out has been a continuous battle from day one.  I have to repeat the same things over and over again.  So I agree with Zoe on trying to be understanding with your mother's reaction, even if it is not what you want.  You need to show compassion even when you are shown ignorance and hatred. It will save you both a lot of heartache and will allow you to win her over eventually. 

I wish you lots of luck.

[EdekStaszek]

Thanks for the support, all of you. To be honest, i think that the only trans person my mom knows about is Chaz Bono, and I never brought up the subject with her, because it was never possible in a casual way.
-Eddie

[EdekStaszek]

Well, I came out, and so I'll tell what happened.
It was just my mom & I at home, my sister was already asleep. It was around 10:30. I was talking with my mom in her room, & then I mentioned that I had been wanting to talk to her about something for a long time, but could you keep it a secret? She agreed, and I proceed to try, & fail, & try, & fail, & try again, but I just couldn't do it. She said that no matter what, she would always love me. And me being soooooo good with words (Sarcasm), I just asked if she knew who Chaz Bono is. She said yes, and we where quit for a minute. Then I asked: "Can you guess what this is about?" and she rightly guessed, I want to be a girl. She took it very well, actually. She just said some things like "Oh its probably nothing, just a phase." Which i replayed by saying something like "That has lasted all my life. . . ?" She then retorted with saying "Can you give me a few examples? I never noticed anything feminine about you" So then i proceed to list things, just a few, it went something like "Remember when i was really small, I wanted my fingers painted? but you always told me dad would get angry, so you never did?" & other related. She then said, Chris (my brother) had gone through the same thing as a child, but got over it. I continued to say that it was only for a year, whereas mine has been apparent to me for the past 3 years, although i just branded myself weird. We stopped talking then, and just sat there. The radio was on, and it was talking about the California gay marriage thing, and she just asked: "Maybe you'r just gay? How do you feel about sexual orientation?" I replied with something more or less like "Uh, no. There's a difference, and I know. Its hard to explain, but I just kind of know."
After a bit of silence & sipping tea, she agreed to get me to a Gender Therapist. We didn't specify the When, but it went better than I could have hoped for!

SO HAPPY!
-Eddie

[smile_jma]

Congratulations on your mom's relaxed responses   And her allowing you to see a therapist.

I don't know how you have the courage to say something like that in person. I was never able to.

[EdekStaszek]

Well it was that or waiting another 2-4 years (not sure how old is min. age to move out) before starting to see a therapist
But my dad & siblings are going to be another issue. I have NO idea where my dad stands on this whole thing. My siblings will probably not support me, but then you never know. they're full of surprises.

EDIT: About 3 hours later, i can't go to sleep. my stomach is still all butterflies. looks like a sleepless night for me...

[smile_jma]

I know what you mean about sleep. I made the mistake of sending an email to my dad just as I was wanting to go to sleep. Sleep didn't happen. Until I forced myself to check 3 hours later in a groggy state wondering what he'd say. Turned out fine, but still.

[EdekStaszek]

I know what you mean about sleep. I made the mistake of sending an email to my dad just as I was wanting to go to sleep. Sleep didn't happen. Until I forced myself to check 3 hours later in a groggy state wondering what he'd say. Turned out fine, but still.

Wait, you EMAILED your dad !? I always thought that was bad, because you cant answer them face to face. Cell phone at LEAST for me. But thats just my family. we all condemn the use of SnailMail (unless for birthday cards over long distances and such) & other such things like Email.
Just a thought.
but yeaaaaaaah, probably should have waited for morning or something.
THanks for posting
-Eddie

[Sammy]

It is nice to hear that things went so smooth with Your mother. At least, I am sure You feel relieved from Your burden now and can freely talk with her about You wishing to be a girl. Just please remember that while Your burden is off, she has now received some information which she has to digest, because ummm I think she has a lot of things to think over now. Be kind with her and dont let her get ideas that she was bad mother because she did not notice that before - mothers do tend to take things very very personal. But anyway she is Your mother and ultimately she will accept You for what You are!

And sorry, I just could not resist, but - THIS IS PRICELESS

She just said some things like "Oh its probably nothing, just a phase." Which i replayed by saying something like "That has lasted all my life. . . ?" She then retorted with saying "Can you give me a few examples? I never noticed anything feminine about you" So then i proceed to list things, just a few, it went something like "Remember when i was really small, I wanted my fingers painted? but you always told me dad would get angry, so you never did?" & other related. She then said, Chris (my brother) had gone through the same thing as a child, but got over it. I continued to say that it was only for a year, whereas mine has been apparent to me for the past 3 years, although i just branded myself weird.

No offence indended, but it is so typical that it hurts... My mother said exactly the same things and exactly in the same order, except she had already forgotten all those examples I gave her. And I have read countless other stories where those questions were asked...

[smile_jma]

Yes, email. We don't talk much anyway and I just don't have the balls to have told them with my mouth.

[EdekStaszek]

It is nice to hear that things went so smooth with Your mother. At least, I am sure You feel relieved from Your burden now and can freely talk with her about You wishing to be a girl. Just please remember that while Your burden is off, she has now received some information which she has to digest, because ummm I think she has a lot of things to think over now. Be kind with her and dont let her get ideas that she was bad mother because she did not notice that before - mothers do tend to take things very very personal. But anyway she is Your mother and ultimately she will accept You for what You are!

And sorry, I just could not resist, but - THIS IS PRICELESS
No offence indended, but it is so typical that it hurts... My mother said exactly the same things and exactly in the same order, except she had already forgotten all those examples I gave her. And I have read countless other stories where those questions were asked...

Thank you, I am giving my mom as much time as she needs, and I don't want to drown her in a tidal wave of information, I'll let her digest it, then when she starts asking questions, I can just answer.
My main problem is that when I talk to people about something important, then my mind turns entirely blank. Which is why i do so terribly on quizzes/tests.
She seemed skeptical about it though, because I am always keeping to myself, I rarely do much social activities, she thinks I've been locked in my room playing video games recently
Wrong.

To Smile_jma:
Hmm, what time did you send it to him? 4am? Or do you live in different time zones?
Probably the ladder

Thanks for your input you two!
-Eddie
PS:
Sammy: Your mom said the SAME THINGS? weird.... haha, well, I guess they all have the same initial responses. . . ?
Smile_jma: Congratulations on your 100th post!

[Arram]

Wait, you EMAILED your dad !? I always thought that was bad, because you cant answer them face to face.

I emailed my entire family. Admittedly, I only have five siblings and a mom, but still.
It was easier for me because I couldn't be interrupted. I had time to word things the way I wanted (which is really, really good, because the first draft of my email was, "Hey, I'm trans*, peace."), and it gave them time to digest it at their own pace. (Not that my oldest sister did, but she did eventually apologize.)

Anyway, just my two cents. Email/letters aren't always bad.

[EdekStaszek]

Well, i guess that's true.
Not i'm my case, of course, it works differently for everybody.
For Example:
If i where to have Emailed my Mom, & dad, then my mom might not be as pleasant as she was tonight. She prefers face-to-face.
As for my dad, well I don't know how he would / will act when I come out to him.
Thanks for your input! (or "two cents" as you called it )
-Eddie

[smile_jma]

The latter. I emailed at 11pm where I am, it was ~7am where he is. I could've waited until I woke up, as it'd still be daytime there, but...still don't have the balls to do it    I told my mom through text...

Yay! 101! 

[EdekStaszek]

Its surprising how Off - Topic you can get when chatting with others.... But its fun!
-Eddie

[smile_jma]

Haha...you should check out a car forum. Many times 1 person asks a question, someone replies something kind of related, and then the next person asks a question about the 2nd posters car, not even relating to the original question. Those get out of hand.


As I mentioned in another post, though, parents can be surprising (in a good way) in more ways than you could expect.

[EdekStaszek]

Haha...you should check out a car forum. Many times 1 person asks a question, someone replies something kind of related, and then the next person asks a question about the 2nd posters car, not even relating to the original question. Those get out of hand.


As I mentioned in another post, though, parents can be surprising (in a good way) in more ways than you could expect.

Okay 2 things.
1) I've never been to a car fourm.
2) I completely agree
Thanks,
-Eddie

[smile_jma]

I have to roam the forums for my job...

My mom, while I knew she'd be OK with me, has kind of done more than what I would've expected her to do. Besides the fact that I started the meds without them knowing (so they didn't have a choice) she's been learning herself about the issue, instead of taking it at face value and just reading news articles (which I think a lot of parents do), goes to a support group of other parents who's children are T, has bought me a plane ticket to come back and go to a conference for trans folk, has asked me about my name, and when to start calling me she/her, etc. It's kind of overwhelmingly involved sometimes. I'm like, chill. It's not a fast process. Still looking/sounding like a guy, you shouldn't call me female pronouns.

My dad, on the other hand...is kind of, whatever. I'm your dad, you're my kid.

~

I hope all goes well with you.