Fallout after letter to parents

[Jack_M]

So I sent a letter home and they got it yesterday.  Today they Skype and I got a whole mess of getting on at me for every little thing they could think of (seriously, it was like an hour of getting on at me for everything under the sun before they even got to the trans issue) and that was bad enough. 

But then the crux of it all:

My dad goes on and on about how masculine I've been my whole life.  My temper and competitiveness as a child.  The way I've always walked.  The way I interact.  The way I hold myself.  The things that interest me.  The clothes I like.  My deep voice.  How everyone always thought, or thinks, I'm his son, or the older brother of my younger brother (or younger after he went through puberty and got taller...6'4"!!!!)

So why isn't that enough?  Why do I actually need to transition if I'm already pretty much seen as male already?!

I tried to explain it as in no matter what all that is on the outside, I'm still just a masculine female, and I don't feel even vaguely feminine so the fact that anything is female doesn't work for me.  That I have a female body I don't want and can't stand.  That I spend every day cramming into a full body binder to get rid of as much of the wide hips or chest as I can.  That even though my voice is deep, it still isn't entirely masculine - it doesn't have the same resonance.  But he wasn't having any of it.

I somewhat thought this could happen.  I wasn't really in any position to argue back or anything because it was kinda upsetting and I was trying to keep it together.  Being a masculine female is somewhat more acceptable in society today and it's been something I've been my entire life.  I'm not late in realising this, I wasn't feminine as a child, this has been me my entire life.  And it's never worked.  It's never been enough.

It hurt me when my dad pushed me to explain my sexual orientation saying he always thought I might be gay.  I'm not gay!  Up until recently I was asexual.  I thought I liked guys until I discussed it with a therapist and realised that I wasn't sexually attracted to them at all, more wanted to be like them.  I wanted their haircut, or a similar shirt, etc.  I had no real interest in either gender but interestingly I was more appalled by the idea of dating a woman.  At one point I tried it and hated it even worse than the one time I tried dating a guy in high school.  So that's when I knew I wasn't a butch lesbian despite my appearance.  But when I finally decided to live full time as a guy and commit to working towards getting T, I started finding myself attracted to girls.  There's one girl I really like right now and I've never really felt that for anyone; either gender.  But if I try to think about being in a relationship with that person as a female, I'm not interested.  And I mean in general, I'm not even getting into sexual interest here, I mean just being with them at all while being considered and referred to as female sickens me.  It doesn't feel at all right and I lose interest.  But on the flip side of that, I have equal disinterest for men as a female too.  I mean there's nothing wrong with being asexual, and I'd still say I'm not even fully interested in sex itself, but I've always been a little down thinking that I was weird for having no interest in anyone.  And just to suddenly have that real interest makes me, personally, feel whole.  I might never have any meaningful relationships and I'm prepared for that, but I just like at least having some kind of interest!

Maybe that makes sense to people here, but how would you guys get that across in a way that could be understood (or at least partly) by a reluctant parent?  Especially if their reaction is along the lines of this making me a "circus freak" .  Oh, and that I'm just setting up my own failure by making myself a taboo unnecessarily...yeah it was a fun conversation!

One of the harder statements was them referring to this as being worse than if I died or was a murderer!  At least when people die or get locked up, parents can still say "They'll always be my daughter/son" and they won't even have that. 

Also, if anyone happens to have any good links that cover any of these issues that they could suggest I'd appreciate it.  I came out of the convo still having parents, which I know is something at least.  So I'll try a little longer to get their understanding, but maybe one of you guys has some wicked advice from personal or collective experience for dealing with this kind of fallout right now.  I don't want to send them an email with a million links to online resources or YouTube vids.  Has anyone maybe found that perfect site (or video) that just puts everything in a good perspective without being too overloaded and too much? 

And even if you've had this kind of fallout and it's gotten better, please share cause I could use the pick-me-up!  I don't know why but I somewhat expected more denial of masculinity (I obviously did a worse job hiding it than I thought) so I wasn't as prepared for the, "You're already man enough, are you not?" argument.

[Mr.X]

I'm really sorry to hear the conversation went down like that :< It is always horrible to have your very own parents react like that.

Do know that the shock is still very fresh in their minds. They read the letter yesterday, and are likely full of emotions which they have clearly not sorted out yet. These emotions were all poured into the skype conversation. It will take a long time before they can start sorting them out, and start the road to acceptance.

The 'you are already man enough' comment shows that they do not understand what being transsexual is really about. And misunderstanding leads to unacceptance. I don't have good links or websites for you, unfortunately, but they clearly need to be educated. I do think that reading on sites, or watching youtube videos will not have the same impact on them as you telling them face to face. This is -your- experience and this is about -your- feelings. Reading stuff on a site is very distanced, while you telling them face to face might have a bigger impact. Especially because you will be able to explain what the deal is by using situations and examples that will be personal to them and you.

But then again, engaging them in conversation right now will likely backfire. They still need time to think and sort their emotions out. I would wait and give them time, then slowly probe for openings to bring this on. My mom needed time as well. She let me clearly know that she did not want to discuss this when I came out to her because apparently, she already had enough on her plate (like not talking about it would lessen it, but heh, my mom is weird). After weeks/months I slowly took initiate to talk about names, clothes and eventually transitioning. Now she is a lot more open to it, and does not cringe when I tell her what my name will be, or that I want to buy guy clothes. As long as you are careful, you will get there.

[Simon]

Meant to reply to this last night but was so tired I could barely keep my eyes open.

I feel for ya buddy. My own parents said some hurtful things when I first told them. The main thing is to keep the lines of communication open and tell them how you feel. That this has always been you on the inside. That you've never been a masculine "female"...just a boy with the wrong appearance. If I were in the same situation right now that is how I would go about it. That you're going to be the same person inside, you just want to feel whole. That is always the way I have explained it to people. Trying to gain their empathy...making them imagine what it would feel like to live in a body that almost felt parasitic to them. If they had the power and the strength to change it, to make themselves happy, wouldn't they?

It's going to take time and effort but if they're still talking to you then that is a great start. Sometimes it takes what seems like forever, I know. Just do your best not to lose your temper and be sympathetic. My mom went through that whole grieving a death thing until she learned to love me as her son...and believe me, it didn't happen over night.

[Liminal Stranger]

Add me to the list. When I came out it was staggered over two days after months of denial when my mother would screech, "DO YOU WANT TO BE A BOY OR SOMETHING?!"; first day was fine when I came out as gender-confused, and having tested the waters I tried going the whole nine yards and telling my mother thinking she'd be cool with it.

Nope.
Even my dad, who has been an absolute jerk towards me about it, was shocked by the force with which she reacted to it, wanting to wash her hands of me. She's been fighting with me over this for quite a while now and still doesn't get it, but has made tiny steps of progress. We've progressed to her using a gender-neutral nickname and avoiding pronouns, though she still asserts that she will never use male ones. I really despise the concept of that because it's such a simple thing to do and she insults my intelligence whenever I query on why she feels so strongly about it, but it's better than the start. Time is a very helpful and precious thing, Jack.

[Adam (birkin)]

Just to offer some encouragement, there's a good chance things will improve. I have been told my numerous family members that they would "NEVER" call me Caleb. Well, now they do. lol. Pronouns...are weird at the moment but I know they will come in time. My family is not excited about it and would probably prefer to use the old name, but they came to see that I was serious. I remember how hurtful it was to have that horrible reaction, because parents should be, if not supportive, compassionate and considerate of their child's feelings.

[randomroads]

Jack,

I'm really sorry to hear about this. I can only begin to imagine how you feel right now but everyone is right. Time often does make things easier. We can't really know what the 'easier' part will be but it does happen.

My parents haven't acknowledged the letter I sent them in April. I can't be a voice of experience yet.

[Jack_M]

Thanks for all the replies guys.

I'm trying to bare in mind that they got back to me straight after getting the letter so it was close to an almost initial reaction, and as such probably worse than if they'd given it time to think about it properly and think about what they were going to say...probably.

I know time can be helpful, they're just very angry right now.  They seem more angry at the fact that I'm only now contacting them AFTER starting T.  I think as it is right now they think they could have maybe talked me out of that and it's going to take time to explain that I'm an adult and these decisions are mine.  They can either accept it and keep me in their life or they can keep rejecting it and lose me.  I didn't contact them until now because I didn't want them to talk me out of it.  And I don't mean that in terms of I wasn't sure about T, and they had the potential to make me see that.  It's more that they're quite controlling and manipulative.  It's fairly common to not want to disappoint your parents and they have a way of just invoking that guilty feeling in me so bad that I continue to do or not do something out of fear of experience that guilt; living a life I can't stand.  I've known I've needed this for a long time but the fear of disappointment and rejection was just too huge for me to go ahead and do it.  Essentially I was putting their feelings ahead of mine and I reached the breaking point and moved away to another country...and still I struggled to cut the cord so to speak.

The problem is my parents consider me a liar and it's not really that I'm a liar, it's just easier to not tell the whole truth.  I've found the truth just causes a negative reaction every time.  Lying keeps them happy and off my back, if that makes sense.

I'm trying not to let it bug me, but it's hard.  I can only hope it gets better *fingers crossed*

[FTMDiaries]

Yeah, that was a raw, knee-jerk reaction but now they'll need some time to let the facts sink in. I'd like to try to help you understand what's going through your parents' minds, both from the perspective of another trans* person and from the perspective of a parent (I have two kids).

Firstly, next time you contact your parents, you might want to stress to them that you understand your news may have been a bit unexpected, but it's something you've been grappling with for many years. Tell them how much you love them and how much you need their support right now, whether or not they agree with your decisions. Let them know that trans* people with family support tend to do much better - and are much less prone to suicide - than trans* people without family support. According to one study, LGBT people aged 21-25 were almost 8 times as likely to attempt suicide if their family doesn't accept them. Non-accepting families also put us at much higher risk of depression, substance abuse and risky sexual behaviour. Here's a friendly document explaining the impact of family acceptance on young people: it talks about youths and adolescents, but the study was actually based on LGBT people aged 21-25: http://nccc.georgetown.edu/documents/LGBT_Brief.pdf  (By the way... this document is by the Family Acceptance Project (FAP) at San Francisco State University. No s->-bleeped-<-ing in the back about FAP research, please...)

Please try to reassure your folks that you have considered this very, very carefully over many years and have consulted [whatever experts you've consulted], so this isn't a decision you've taken lightly. However, it is the right decision for you and this is the direction in which your life is headed, so you'd love for them to tag along as soon as they're ready.

If it helps you to understand what your parents are thinking, you might want to know that people have a tendency to believe their own ideas over & above what other people tell them (which is why your parents think you're lying: they're set in their ideas and they can't understand why you're telling them differently). This is called 'confirmation bias', and here's a good explanation of it: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Confirmation_bias  Basically, your parents were told when you were born that they had a daughter so they've viewed every aspect of your life since then through the lens of that bias. That's a heck of a lot of conclusions they've jumped to over many years, and some people can react to having those conclusions challenged almost as if they're being personally attacked. Your dad has probably been enamoured of the idea of 'his little girl' for many, many years and he's not quite ready to let go of that idea yet. Mine was too. Give him some time to get to know you, and his fears and insecurities will start to fade as he starts to accept the evidence of who you are.

Parents are human. We can easily fall into the trap of thinking we know what's best for our little darlings... but as you & I both know only too well, those 'little darlings' can keep a heck of a lot bottled up inside, often through fear of rejection or criticism, until they get to the point where they can finally speak up. You haven't lied to your parents: you were just protecting yourself from the pain of rejection until you were ready to confront your fears head-on as an adult. I applaud you for your courage; sticking your head above the parapet is a very brave thing to do.

[sneakersjay]

It sucks.

Sometimes you just have to let them say all the crap that they're going to say, to throw out all of their arguments about why you're wrong, and just let them get it out of their system.  YOU know who YOU are.  They only THINK they know who you are.

Sometimes parents are right (like when my kid told me he wanted to go to a school specializing in XYZ, and brought me a slick brochure.  A quick google search showed me that the school is inferior as well as expensive; they are in business for student loan money primarily and the program is crap.  I had to tell him we would find him a GOOD school.)  so they think they are right in this.

I'm sure in a different time and place I might have reacted like this.  Once they've calmed down, giving them good information from reliable sources can help.  PFLAG is one group with good literature, and there are others, too.  Fortunately most families come around to some degree, esp. once they see that you are happy.


Jay

[Jack_M]

Well I left Skype on all weekend and nothing so either they weren't around, didn't want to talk or want more time.

I've decided to leave it at making myself available but they can initiate everything.  Some things are still cutting me deep but I keep trying to remember it was an initial reaction right off the bat practically and that things may improve, but also trying not to get my hopes up too much with that in case they don't.

I thought the older of my younger brothers had been a douche before.  He told me my Dad wanted to talk and then said nothing else.  I thought it would have been good to have a little heads up or something but turns out after talking to him later in the week that he was actually on site in a city outside the country at the time so he was none the wiser as to what was going on anyway.  So that made me feel a little better knowing that my brother hadn't just been a total ass!

However, my youngest bro (14) still hasn't responded to any of my emails and it's a little disconcerting.  I was a teenager when he was born and essentially feel like I helped raise him so I don't want to lose a relationship with him at all.  My focus is more on talking to him than worry over my parents right now.  So it's another waiting game to see what happens there.