Steps forward

[Mac]

I have been thinking a lot in the last few months about who I am and how I would like to proceed and I still don't have a definite answer for myself. Some days I feel dysphoric and want to transition, others I tell myself that I can live in this female body as long as I present as a guy and live as one for the bigger part of my day. I'm starting therapy next week and in the meantime decided to explore my feelings further, so I bought a binder and a packer, got a super short haircut (that was a funny experience), picked a new name and came out to almost all of my friends (not yet to the family). My wife, who considered herself a lesbian, has been on board with this and has been extremely supportive. she's simply amazing!  She did however, tell me that should I decide to transition, we'd have to talk a lot about it beforehand and I get the feeling that she may have a problem with it, even though so far she had no problem talking to me and treating me as a guy, had no problem with the binder or even the packer (which I initially thought she might).
I feel confused and unsure of what I want, and I'm afraid that if I do decide on transition things might not be so ok with my wife anymore (even though she said she wouldn't leave me even then).  I'm hoping therapy will help clear things up.

Any of you were in a relationship with a lesbian prior to transition and still stayed together after?

[FTMDiaries]

Firstly, one of the great things about being trans* is that you don't have to go all the way with hormones & surgery if you're not ready to or don't want to. You can do as much, or as little, as you need to do in order to be comfortable. So if you're currently satisfied with simply cutting your hair, binding & packing, changing your name and presenting as male, there's no reason why you need to go any further.

However, I suspect from your post that that you might want to go further. Your therapist will help you figure out your feelings so that you can decide the right path forward for yourself. They're not there to rush you into making any decisions that you might regret. So take your time, think things through, and keep talking to your wife at every stage.

Every individual marriage is different. I've never been a lesbian: my attraction has always been to men and I've been married (to a straight man) for 16 years. However, my transition from female to male meant that he could no longer take a sexual interest in me because I was transitioning away from his sexuality (he's actually pretty homophobic). So you need to discuss between the two of you whether your wife could still be involved in a sexual relationship with you after transition, and whether you could remain married without a sexual relationship if she couldn't. You might be lucky - some people here have been lucky - but from my experience, transitioning away from my partner's sexuality was a deal-breaker for our marriage because we value the sexual element of our relationship.

[AdamMLP]

I was with my girlfriend for almost a year before she found out I was trans.  I was planning on telling her, but she happened to find out before I got chance to (I was waiting until Christmas was over and she found out very late Christmas day/early Boxing day morning).  I'd known I was trans for over a year before I met her, but things were complicated to begin with and I was very afraid of losing the one person who'd been able to make me truly happy.  I'd been presenting as male the whole time though, but didn't bind or pack.  I rarely bind now because I don't particularly need to in the colder months.

At first things were a little difficult, particularly because I had to go away for a week straight after Christmas so we didn't have time to properly talk, and there's only so much you can do via text.  Once I was home again and she could see that I hadn't changed at all everything was hunky dory.  It was hard for a while getting her confidence back in certain things, she was very scared to touch me because she was convinced that I would have been cringing inside every time she touched me, anywhere, but now everything's all good.  She's even got used to me binding when I do (she doesn't particularly like that because of the risks), and even gets worried if I don't pack.

Talking about things is the best advice I can give, although it's not always as simple as in my case, because although we were in what other people thought of as a "lesbian" relationship, neither of us really like terming things as "lesbian" or "gay".  All I've ever classified myself as is someone who likes women, and she's just open to anyone, although she's been with girls almost exclusively in the past.  Talk, keep talking, and show through your actions that you're exactly the same person.  You seem to have a good thing going on if she's accepting of your binder and packer, but emotional changes are a big worry for most partners.

[Mac]

My wife always knew that there's a guy in me- I told her that right from the get go, BUT back then I thought I was more of genderqueer since there are still some traits that are more feminine and I guess I didn't know how to explain it to her other than saying that the bigger part of me is a guy and the rest is a bit more feminine.  Anyway, it's been changing gradually since we met (been 2.5 years now) and more so in the past few months. She has seen that I'm the same person I have always been with her so  I don't think she's worried about me, emotionally speaking.  We talk a  lot and she told me many times that even if I transition she wouldn't leave me because she loves me too much, BUT the one thing that worries us both and we can't really be sure about is- if I do transition eventually, will she still be able to be sexually attracted to me.
She has always been attracted to my personality as well as the way I have looked at the beginning and also the way I look now (and it's a drastic change from feminine to masculine, even though it came about gradually), however she also said a few times that she's attracted to my female body and doesn't know how it would be if I had a male body (as far as sexual attraction).

I'm not sure if I can live in this body for the rest of my life (I lived in it for 40 years and sometimes I almost feel like I should get a medal for lasting this long) but I love my wife so much and we fit in every other way, that I don't want to lose her in any kind of way, so this is definitely a big concern.

[FTMDiaries]

I'm not sure if I can live in this body for the rest of my life (I lived in it for 40 years and sometimes I almost feel like I should get a medal for lasting this long)

My experience exactly. I presented androgynously when I first met my husband; have always preferred male clothing & shied away from dresses & make-up; and I even told him several times throughout our marriage about my gender issues. Despite all this, my decision to transition still came as a shock to him and we just can't get over the hurdle that he's only attracted to female-bodied people (as is his right). It's one thing to accept someone you believe to be female who has a certain amount of masculinity; it's quite another to accept someone who is actually male.

In all honesty, it's possible that your wife herself doesn't yet know whether she can still be attracted to you after transition. It's going to take some long, hard thinking for both of you to figure out the best way forward.

However, it is very encouraging that she's said she'll stay with you even if the attraction goes. But as we British are so fond of saying, the proof of the pudding is in the eating: neither one of you can know exactly how much she'll be willing to accept until she actually tries to accept it. So you must talk it through with her, and I would recommend you consider couples therapy as well.