Came out to my sister...and need a little advice

[MeghanAndrews]

Hey Everyone,
So, I didn't get a chance to update my blog yet, but I wanted to jump on here and fill you in. So I'm driving home this morning from doing some running around and I started thinking about this coming Friday when I go to see my parents and tell them about what's going on with me. So I thought, why don't I tell my sister first and see what she thinks, see if she has any questions or anything that I haven't thought through. So, I hadn't told her about my divorce yet even though we've been split for 6 months so I told her about that first. Then I told her that I had something to talk to her about that needs to be between just she and I for now, until I talk to my parents. First, my sister is 10 years younger than me. We haven't been particularly close, like we should be (I think that's going to change soon).

I went on to explain that I've always known something about myself and I haven't shared it with anyone and I'm extremely unhappy and I keep trying to make things work but I'm just not happy. I then just said "I don't know how else to tell you this, but I feel like a girl inside, a girl whois trapped in this guy's body." I just was talking for a while about how that feels and why I've never really allowed myself to get too close to her, because I was afraid that she'd see the real me. After I talked for a while, she said "I will tell you this first, I love you, you are my brother and no matter what you decide to do, I'll always love you. I don't care if you want to be a caterpillar, I'll still love you (not sure where she got that, lol). All that's important to me is that you find what makes you happy."

Now, I waiting for her to be like "BUT..." but she never did. We talked for probably an hour and a half. She told me that she always wanted a sister. That hit me right in the heart. She said that I must have been extremely miserable and she can't believe that I didn't tell anyone sooner. So, in a nutshell, she was very supportive and said she'd be there for me. I don't know what makes me feel this way, but it almost feels like now I can totally open up to her and I'm not afraid for her to open up to me either. For so long I was avoiding that because I felt like it wasn't fair for her to open up to me and tell me everything if I wouldn't do the same.

Now, I asked her what she thought my mom and dad would do. She thought me mom would be supportive but would maybe think to herself "it's my fault, I did something to make him end up like this" and that she would feel guilty. That's where I need some advice. I haven't seen too much stuff online about answering questions about why. Now, I know, I know, noone knows why, but I kinda wanted to reassure my mom it's not her fault, that it's not anyone's fault, and then move past that. I think it's really counterproductive to try to put blame to something that to me, isn't something for which blame is due. Any ideas on this? How can I tackle that question without just dismissing it? I don't want to be dismissive if she has questions for me.

The other thing, my sister said that she is a little concerned about my dad. She said that he sometimes says things when he's confronted with shocking news (like when my sister got pregnant at 18) that he doesn't mean. He basically really said some not nice things to my sister, then he calmed down after a month and it was ok. I really want to face this. I want to talk to both of them face to face. I know my mom will be much easier to talk to than my dad, but I feel like I need to do this. Maybe I should ask my mom if she thinks I should talk to my dad or she should, or I write a letter or something? I hate the whole letter writing thing if I have an opportunity to talk to them. I'm almost afraid that he will really flip out and then we have two more days to all spend with each other. I'm talking to my mom on Saturday and my dad Saturday night and then I fly back out on Monday. Any ideas on this one?

You guys give really good advice and many of you have been through similar situations so I really value your feedback here. My sister is the first relative I've told. I've told two friends and her so far. Any feedback would be greatly appreciated. Thank you so much Meghan

[Wendy]

Hi Meghan,

A "catapillar" can become a butterfly.  One friend told me to be patient with myself and others as if in a cocoon.
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Tell your mom you love her and she did nothing wrong.

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I am not sure what you will do for dad.  I expect mom will tell dad.  You may ask mom what she thinks regarding telling dad.
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Actually I do not like letters because you can not see a person's eyes when you give them a message.

I hope your parents react similar to your sister!

You have a lot of courage.

W

[Mattie E]

I agree about not just sending a letter. When I came out to my brother and my Dad I wrote a letter, explaining everything in the way I wanted to, to make sure they heard everything I wanted them to, but I gave the letter to them to read with me there.

[Renae.Lupini]

first of all, congrats on telling your sister. It would appear that you have a good understanding of who you are. That is usually what makes the difference between coming out and having a good story to tell or crying yourself to sleep. that is my own theory based upon the times I have come out to people. As far as the parents go, don't sweat it. As long as you are living on your own and paying your bills then this is more of an informational discussion, not one with options or choices.

Of all the opening lines I have used for coming out, "I have something to say. I am going to go through the process to live my life as a woman." has worked the best for me. Do not show any photos, unless asked. Don't go into any detail, unless asked. Only flood them with the information that they ask for. Don't sugarcoat it at all either. Tell them the honest truth. One of my glorious moments of coming out was explaining to my grandmother, the difference between gay and lesbian sex and where I fall into that spectrum. These were things I didn't think would come up but when they did I told her exactly how I felt. My grandmother is completely supportive of my decisions by the way.

As long as you are true to yourself, no matter how hard it is, and to those that you are confronting, you will do just fine. Even if you think what you will say is going to hurt someone's feelings it is best to be said instead of it coming out later on down the road. Eventually whatever you try to hide will come out too.

the more you go through the process, the easier it will be. watch the facial expressions. I found them to be great sources of humor during my coming out process.

[seldom]

Meghan, from my own experiences coming out to ones parents is easily the hardest thing a TS has to do (if they are not married or have kids, etc.  that I think is much tougher).  It is an extremely volatile situation and predicting a result is completely unpredictable.  Be very careful and very delicate. 

I think my issues with my parents are well chronicled on this board.  They think I am ruining my life, making a huge mistake, need to see a psychiatrist, going crazy, and they have thrown every bigoted and transphobic thing they can think of.  (Which is odd because I have yet to encounter ANY transphobia outside of them.  Everybody I know has been extremely supportive but my parents.)  The thing is...I don't live with them.  I know who I am, I know what I need to do, and nothing is going to change that no matter what they say.  They can't stand in the way of what I NEED to do.

Back to you:
Be very careful.  It will be very emotional time.  Coming out to the folks is literally chaos in the making.  It is necessary though.  Good luck and I wish the best.
The thing is it seems you are doing this the right way with a clear head.  You seem very prepared. 

[Julie Marie]

Hi Meghan,

It seems you are on the right track.  We say it so many times, "Baby steps. baby steps."  That you started with your sister and she handled it so well must be a huge relief.  I'm happy for you.

Now on to your parents...  I think the idea to tell your mom first is a good one, especially if your dad has a tendency to act before thinking.  She will have the time to absorb the news and will be in a better position to help you deal with your dad's reaction.

As far as your mom blaming herself, you can't stop her if that's what she wants to do so don't beat yourself up if she doesn't listen to you when you tell her it's not her fault.  Maybe you can have some documentation ready to show her this is just how we are if she starts taking all the blame.  If not just keep reminding her this is how God made you.  My mom at first tried to blame others then blame herself and it took a while for her to finally accept this is something that can't be blamed on anyone or anything.  It just is, like eye color or height.  It's how we're made.

I've taken the attitude God chose us to take on this task to get people to realize not everyone is the same and that people come in all shapes, sizes and gender orientation.  And no matter what, we're all humans going through life looking for our little piece of happiness.  Why would anyone want to deprive of that?  When I've told family or friends that, it seems to diffuse them from trying to find the why and help them to just accept.

Hope all goes well with your parents... and congratulations on starting your coming out.

Julie

[MeghanAndrews]

Thank you all, I'm going to be taking the advice you've given me and go into next weekend prepared. My heart is ready to do this. I grow stronger everyday, every day seems to make more sense. I know it's not always going to be like this, but I'm cognizant of that and I will use my strong days to help get through my weaker days. I'll keep you updated Meghan

[Hypatia]

My middle daughter outed me to my Mom as soon as I came out to my wife and oldest daughter. Mom called me up and read me the riot act. Of all the emotional trauma I've been through, nothing has hurt me as bad as the difficulty with my mother. After all, she's the whole source of my womanhood and she rejects it.

I'm about to come out to my youngest sister and her husband, they're nice people and I have hope in them. Face to face would be best, but not feasible right now, because I live hundreds of miles away from everyone else in my family. So I need to write a letter (on paper, of course, not e-mail - handwritten being preferable to word-processed). I have been procrastinating over this letter for months now. I'm so scared of getting it wrong. How do I begin the letter? What to say?

Mom is old and she still believes in that outmoded Freudian crap about the upbringing making the son gay. She's worried that she did something wrong. I have explained that my gender identity was formed in my brain structure before birth and it has nothing to do with upbringing.

I remember times when my Dad yelled at her for being too soft on me. I didn't understand this at the time. Now I realize it was fear that they would make me gay if they didn't toughen up on me. So much ignorance causing so much hurt. Sigh.