life as an unpassable ts

[adison]

I thought i might transition at 28. I didn't. Now I'm 33 going on 34. The reason then was the same as the reason now: I could never pass. So i went into ultra guy mode for 5 years. Now I look and ACT even more masculine. So here i am again asking myself if i should transition. Thought about partial transition, but idk. It comes down to this: if could wake up tomorrow with a female body and 100% pass I WOULD TRANSITION IN A FRACTION OF A SECOND! So now im asking myself what if i could pass 75% of the time, would i do it. How about 50%? 25%? 0%. Instead of trying to imagine what life as an unpassable ts/girl would be like, i thought i would ask. Even if you got luck and pass now, there must have been a time when you didn't. Specifically,

(1) RELATIONSHIPS. I'm not that much into guys, and most girls i know want dick or a girl that passes as a girl. How do you find a S.O.?
(2) Being made fun of. I keep thinking everywhere i go people will whisper and laugh or make "silent comments" to each other. There is a transgirl that comes into my work a lot, and everybody talks about her "not being a real girl" She is tall and has broad shoulders.
(3) Being humored. Will people see me as a girl or are they just pretending either because they don't want to hurt my feelings or get in trouble.
(4) Outright Haters. I keep imagining a bunch of guys yelling at me in a crowded place or coming over and beating me up. Bad cops? Little kids that just don't know anything yet?
(5) FERTILITY. Storing sperm is not forever and after 6 mo of hrt i loose my guys. No kids now, but i might in the future. It's also expensive.
(6) SRS,FFS trouble. The huge problem i have with ffs is permanent numbess/loss sensation. For srs my big concern is a fistula and life with a colonoscopy bag. Numbness as well. Numb spots on head and numb genitals??

[Achila]

Great post. I imagine a large number of us feel the same way, pre-and-post transitioning. I am still a CD, much in part because I want to do it in a way that when I go change my gender at the passport agency I am, look, feel, and pass 100% as a female. Although I halted my transition like you, I am learning to detach my consciousness from collective expectations, wants, and needs to empower my own expectations, wants, and needs. Society will never be all-inclusive to trans, ethnic people, minorities, and all those with a minor non-conforming trait in them. No trans woman wake up princess-like one day, from a man-alpha type. I am 6'1, 190lbs, former bodybuilder. super square face n frame. However, I as crossdress progressively I rehearse how to compensate incrementally to make me more femme. I will start HRT, I will have FFS, and breast implants; and wear female's Under-Arm T-shirts to show why my arms are so big still. Look at bodybuilder females on Youtube...gosh, I shall pass!

[suzifrommd]

I know many trans women who know they will never pass. They are just as happy with their transitions as those that pass perfectly - moreso in some cases, because they're not always worried about being clocked. Several of them are very beautiful.

[Emily Aster]

I'm still in the do I or don't I phase right now and trying to remind myself to just go for it. I can relate to 1-5, but never really thought about #6. On #2, that happens to everybody, cis or not. You learned to deal with it as your birth sex. You'll learn to cope as your true gender too. For #3 it really doesn't matter if they're just playing nice or not since their opinion of you doesn't really have anything to do with your opinion of you. And #4 for paralyzes me a lot.

[Beth Andrea]

There was no choice for me. My male self was out of commission, the only option would have been suicide.

Death or not passing? Well...being an ugly woman has its advantages, and disadvantages...

Being dead has a LOT of disadvantages...and I can't think of any advantages.

So I figured I'd go this route, no matter what. After all, it is my life, right?

At any rate, don't dwell on "I won't ever pass!" You might...HRT does wonders for some, and yes there is a transition phase where one does not pass...but choosing to not transition because of that phase is like deciding to not lose weight, because it might take months to get to one's ideal weight..."and I don't want to look fat while I'm getting skinny."

Man up, woman! 

So now I'm going to reply to your questions:

(1) RELATIONSHIPS. I'm not that much into guys, and most girls i know want dick or a girl that passes as a girl. How do you find a S.O.?

Certainly the "market" is a bit smaller. But like any other dating effort, just be yourself, be honest, have a job, smile. One never knows if/when that "perfect someone" will be looking at you and be bit by The Love Bug. Also, some TS have been known to change orientation when on hormones. This is not a bad thing, in spite of what you may think! It's possible that you've been suppressing a desire for men for your entire life, and/or the estrogen re-wired parts of your brain. If that occurs, you will accept a hetero (m + f) relationship just like it's the most normal thing in the world. You must be able to let go of your man-self in order to successfully transition.

(2) Being made fun of. I keep thinking everywhere i go people will whisper and laugh or make "silent comments" to each other. There is a transgirl that comes into my work a lot, and everybody talks about her "not being a real girl" She is tall and has broad shoulders.

Talking behind someone's back is rude. Perhaps you might mention this to your co-workers? Being gossipy is never flattering. Now, having said that, yes many people do gossip...but there's nothing you can do about that. Again, just be yourself, work hard and profitably, smile and present yourself as if you are the  Best Role Model At Work. And Play. And At Home. That's all you can do. Don't try to guess what other people are thinking or saying...you can't control them, and their words don't reach your ears, so they don't exist.

(3) Being humored. Will people see me as a girl or are they just pretending either because they don't want to hurt my feelings or get in trouble.

Yes, there are some people who will humor you. They're the same kind of people who humor the "token Negro", too. Ignore them, small minds are painful to contemplate. You have bigger things to think about.

(4) Outright Haters. I keep imagining a bunch of guys yelling at me in a crowded place or coming over and beating me up. Bad cops? Little kids that just don't know anything yet?

For the most part, this doesn't happen. It does, but most of us (imho) had the same fear but once we actually got out in the real world (and you should take baby steps along the way, as your confidence and appearance improves) we found that the haters like doing their thing from a safe distance. They really aren't that aggressive. While they're shouting four-letter words at you, you present a peaceful, civilized appearance, and in so doing, you'll win the hearts and minds of many around you.

There are exceptions, of course. Most of these exceptions occur in dark alleys at 1am...so avoid those places at those times.

(5) FERTILITY. Storing sperm is not forever and after 6 mo of hrt i loose my guys. No kids now, but i might in the future. It's also expensive.

Reproducing is overrated. There are a TON of kids out there who need a good person to adopt them. Seriously, give some thought to it.

(6) SRS,FFS trouble. The huge problem i have with ffs is permanent numbess/loss sensation. For srs my big concern is a fistula and life with a colonoscopy bag. Numbness as well. Numb spots on head and numb genitals??

Yes, sometimes there are complications. However, they are quite rare, no more so than any other operation. Fistulas can (most times) be repaired, btw. Don't dwell on the absolute worst-case scenario. Balance it with a realistic knowledge of outcomes.

Anyhow, this is just my thoughts for your questions. Whatever you do, be safe and don't worry so much!

[Tristan]

Hum.... In not sure you should worry about all that stuff yet? I mean you could try transitioning for a year or two and see where things take you. I think lots of people worry about passing and being mocked or whatever but I guess it boils down to what will make you happy

[Elle16]

I'm 6'3 and it's unlikely I will pass - having said that make of this what you will :

In male mode, before coming out to myself as trans I walked into a barbers to have my hair cut, it was about shoulder length at the time and slightly flicked out. I'm always clean shaven and I often pluck my eye brows, they probably weren't looking their best but whatever. I walked in and sat down as he was with a client. He looked over at me... 

I sat down and he just stared at me, up and down then proceeded to point me to the hairdressers over the road!! Practically shoving me out the door I left and was really upset... I wlaked around for a little bit before finally going home

At the time I was like "why did that just happen? Cause I'm soft spoken? As I'm a polite person? I just couldn't figure it out at all...Now alot of people have asked me "are you a girl or boy?" - I always assumed I looked like a guy but after this I started to think otherwise...

Here's another example :

When I first went in for my last job, there was a big group meeting and I walked in my usual happy self. I was wearing dark jeans, bracelets & had bleach blonde highlights in shoulder length hair, flicked out. Smiling at the woman I thought was to be my manager I casually lifted my hand from my side and gave her a wave "Hi Carole" I said.
I walked over to my seat, as I passed this girl - who I later went onto have several arguments with during my employment! I got a really funny look off her... at the time I thought "Why is she looking at me like a piece of crap?"... Paranoia creeping in there, you see!

But I had that same feeling, it was very unusual to say the least!

Since coming out as trans I've thought back on these experiences and I wonder if those people thought maybe I was a girl? 

I honestly never thought I'd pass but these occassions make me think otherwise. I'm hopeful for the future where I can be myself and pass fully 

[Madison Leigh]

I thought i might transition at 28. I didn't. Now I'm 33 going on 34. The reason then was the same as the reason now: I could never pass. So i went into ultra guy mode for 5 years. Now I look and ACT even more masculine. So here i am again asking myself if i should transition. Thought about partial transition, but idk. It comes down to this: if could wake up tomorrow with a female body and 100% pass I WOULD TRANSITION IN A FRACTION OF A SECOND! So now im asking myself what if i could pass 75% of the time, would i do it. How about 50%? 25%? 0%. Instead of trying to imagine what life as an unpassable ts/girl would be like, i thought i would ask. Even if you got luck and pass now, there must have been a time when you didn't. Specifically,

I'm 42 nearing 43.  I made my decision a year ago last Saturday.  Part of me wishes I had done it long before; but had if I had, I likely wouldn't have met my wife and such; so I'm happy with how that worked out.  I'd love to be able to pass 100% of the time, but reality is that regardless of what I do that will likely never be the case.  Yes I did consider that when making my decision, but the bottom line to me was that my happiness was more important than what strangers think of me.  Now if my wife and/or daughter would've had strong objections that likely would've made a difference; but since they don't it made it an easy decision for me to proceed.

(1) RELATIONSHIPS. I'm not that much into guys, and most girls i know want dick or a girl that passes as a girl. How do you find a S.O.?

I can't really help with that as I am married to a wonderful woman who is supportive.  However, it does happen - there are plenty of people on here who have done it and one of my close friends is pre-op and she's never had a problem.  Is it perhaps harder to find a relationship?  I would think it probably is, but I'm a firm believer that the right person for everyone is out there.

(2) Being made fun of. I keep thinking everywhere i go people will whisper and laugh or make "silent comments" to each other. There is a transgirl that comes into my work a lot, and everybody talks about her "not being a real girl" She is tall and has broad shoulders.

That happens.  In my case it bothered me some in the beginning, but I've gotten over it.  If someone finds me amusing - well then good for them - personally I have better things to worry about than how somebody looks.

(3) Being humored. Will people see me as a girl or are they just pretending either because they don't want to hurt my feelings or get in trouble.

Personally I'm sure plenty of people do "humor" me; but again I don't let that bother me anymore.  If they can't see me for who I am then that's their issue and not mine.  I haven't lost any friends over it, but if I were; well then it wasn't meant for us to be friends.  And really, I believe most of us (all of us?) humor people at some point.  How many of us have answered the "Does this <insert outfit> make me look fat?" less than truthfully?  Yeah there are times for brutal honesty; but there are also times when some compassion is the better choice.  I'm sure some people will never see me as female - even some that are still my friends; and if they want to humor me then I look at it as them being compassionate because we are friends and I appreciate them for that.

(4) Outright Haters. I keep imagining a bunch of guys yelling at me in a crowded place or coming over and beating me up. Bad cops? Little kids that just don't know anything yet?

Yes there are times when those things have happened and it's sad and depressing that they do.  However, avoiding poor situations greatly mitigates that worry.  As far as little kids, that doesn't bother me at all - they in general lack that "filter" that (most) adults have and will tend to ask questions and such.  Before my transition started I worked part time as a cashier at a big box retailer and if I had a dollar for every time a child said something about my nail polish or earrings, I could've probably already paid for my SRS.

(5) FERTILITY. Storing sperm is not forever and after 6 mo of hrt i loose my guys. No kids now, but i might in the future. It's also expensive.

That wasn't a concern of mine.  I have a 19 year old daughter and had a vasectomy a year after she was born.  As others have mentioned there is adoption.  As far as storing sperm I've read that it technically can be stored indefinitely and there are cases where 20+ year old sperm has been used for pregnancy.  I'm not making assumptions here or anything but if you are going on 34 I would think that a decision to have a child would likely occur prior to the age of the sperm being an issue.  Obviously as you point out there is a cost associated with that as well; but it is an option.

(6) SRS,FFS trouble. The huge problem i have with ffs is permanent numbess/loss sensation. For srs my big concern is a fistula and life with a colonoscopy bag. Numbness as well. Numb spots on head and numb genitals??

I can't really comment on this as I doubt I'd ever have FFS and while I do want SRS, I have not had it.  However, there are concerns with any surgery.  No matter how good any particular doctor/surgeon is there is never a 100% guarantee.  I want to know the risks; but provided the odds of success are reasonably good then I'm willing to take that chance.  To me it's like flying somewhere; there's always a chance something will happen; but to me the risk is acceptable for the benefit provided. 

I think it's easy to find reasons not to do this (or anything else); but I tend to look more for reasons to do something; and in my case it was an easy decision.  Now, I've been very blessed in that things have went relatively well for me so far; but even if it had been a bumpier road I believe I'd make the same decision today that I made a year ago.

Madison

[Joanna Dark]

I thought i might transition at 28. I didn't. Now I'm 33 going on 34. The reason then was the same as the reason now: I could never pass. So i went into ultra guy mode for 5 years. Now I look and ACT even more masculine.

The fact is it isn't going to go away. You can not do it, hibernate, and repress your feelings or you could try to be happy. I did the same thing as you at around 26 except instead of ultra male mode (I don't think I have one) I hit the self-destruct button. And now I'm like Ripley in Alien furiously trying to turn it off but some of the destructive behaviors are really hard to overcome.

I didn't transition for the same exact reason as you: I was afraid to be an unpassable trans women who got laughed at all the time. `I pretty much look like a women now and I dress pretty androgynous if not downright girly sometimes and I have been laughed at all of zero times. I have been hit on a lot. So a lot of these fears are completely unfounded.

My biggest regret is the years I wasted in my late 20s when I coulda transitioned and had tons of money and right now I would be post-op instead of just at five months HRT. But oh well.

[JoanneB]

Much like myself for the past 30+ years, I suspect you are over-thinking things a bit. I'll also throw in not exactly sure where you sit in the TG spectrum. As Suzi mentioned, I have met many full-time TS's that do not pass well, yet they are happy. Probably the happiest they have been their entire life thanks to the congruence of body and mind. That, to me, is what transition is all about. The rest is gravy.

The only way to know if it may be right for you is to experiment. The simple truth is all the points you mentioned are reality. I am happy if rocks are not thrown at me or worse. There are all sorts of people out there. If a g/f and having your own fruit of the womb is important.... How much so?

The bottom line is "What brings you joy?" If you think living as a woman will, the only way to know is to test the waters. If the benefits far outweigh the disadvantages and hardships you get a better idea what path to take.

[Jamie D]

I'm 6'3 and it's unlikely I will pass - having said that make of this what you will :

In male mode, before coming out to myself as trans I walked into a barbers to have my hair cut, it was about shoulder length at the time and slightly flicked out. I'm always clean shaven and I often pluck my eye brows, they probably weren't looking their best but whatever. I walked in and sat down as he was with a client. He looked over at me... 

I sat down and he just stared at me, up and down then proceeded to point me to the hairdressers over the road!! Practically shoving me out the door I left and was really upset... I wlaked around for a little bit before finally going home

At the time I was like "why did that just happen? Cause I'm soft spoken? As I'm a polite person? I just couldn't figure it out at all...Now alot of people have asked me "are you a girl or boy?" - I always assumed I looked like a guy but after this I started to think otherwise...

Here's another example :

When I first went in for my last job, there was a big group meeting and I walked in my usual happy self. I was wearing dark jeans, bracelets & had bleach blonde highlights in shoulder length hair, flicked out. Smiling at the woman I thought was to be my manager I casually lifted my hand from my side and gave her a wave "Hi Carole" I said.
I walked over to my seat, as I passed this girl - who I later went onto have several arguments with during my employment! I got a really funny look off her... at the time I thought "Why is she looking at me like a piece of crap?"... Paranoia creeping in there, you see!

But I had that same feeling, it was very unusual to say the least!

Since coming out as trans I've thought back on these experiences and I wonder if those people thought maybe I was a girl? 

I honestly never thought I'd pass but these occasions make me think otherwise. I'm hopeful for the future where I can be myself and pass fully 

Elle - you need to get out of your head that height will prevent passing.  I have a natal daughter who is 6-feet tall and still growing.  She "passes" fine and no one mistakes her for a man.  BTW - her brother is 6'6".

[kelly_aus]

I was a month shy of my 35th birthday when I embarked upon my journey.. I started out thinking that I would lose everyone and everything.. I also thought I'd never pass. But given the other option was a pine box and a 6' hole, I decided to just go for it..

And I'm so glad I did.. I'm loved and respected as the woman I am.. I have a great bunch of friends, both old and new.. I found a woman who loved me, who I sadly lost due to illness..

I can count on both hands the number of times I've heard or seen any crap directed at me in the 3 years since I came out.

Surgery concerns are not an issue for me, I don't plan to have any. But you do seem to be looking at the absolute worst case scenarios.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that you never know what you're going to get. If you'd told me 3 years ago that today I'd be a mostly happy, reasonably well adjusted, confident and fairly passable woman, I'd have laughed at you and told you that you were full of crap. But I am all of those things.

I think it's a sign of the regard that people have for me is that I've been a bridesmaid and later this month I will be filling in as 'Mother of the Bride' at my late partners eldest daughters wedding.

Yes, there are some people around here that will scoff at the idea that I pass, but my life tells me I do..

[Tristan]

I agree, you have to get out of your head. Models tend to be 5"11-6"3. And some of the most beautiful woman you will ever see are most def the tall ones

[AmberSkyeArisen]

I recently joined an online dating site. I won't say the name because I'm not trying to advertise it at all. I just want to say that finding a significant other was always a reason for doubt for me. On July 6th I joined, on july 7th I started talking to someone. I have on my profile that I'm trans, I say it flat out at the top. I still have my gender as male (I present as male still, i'll change it later). I have my page set so no straight people can see me, and i can't see them. I say sorry to the gay guys (they can see my profile), because I'm looking for a relationship and I know they won't want me in a few months. So I stick to bisexual people, as many of them will be attracted to me now, as well as later. Meeting people in person is harder, as if they like me, i'd have to be like "oh, by the way, i'm trans" and it's in their hands.

So i'm now talking to this girl, the match % is at 97%, and things are looking very promising. You might think there's nobody out there if you transition (I thought that), but you never know until you try. It's for sure harder, but the people you do meet/ find/ go out with will be more accepting of you generally.

And I've also learned that the moment you stop thinking about what other people think of you, the happier you'll be in the long run. I used to be afraid that people would see my shaved arms and legs, but I just got my ears pierced and to be honest, nobody really cares, and if they do care, I ignore them because they're generally [insert foul language here] anyways. I don't want to be around those kinds of people.

I've been taking hormones for a bit less than 1.5 yrs, and I still pass as a male (born male), but i'm getting more androgynous, I'm not rushing anything because I knew I couldn't pass back then (I have a pretty big brow ridge and hormones hadn't been THAT magical yet, but it's getting three)

You don't have to be able to pass as a female to want to start hormones. You miss all the shots you don't take. What many people do (like me) is go from male, to androgynous, to female, seamlessly. I just let hormones work their magic and act accordingly.

I think the idea that trans people have to plunge themselves into the other gender is wrong, and that you shouldn't be afraid of transitioning because for many people it's not practical. Take however much time you want, but think of the... "older"... people on this site, who started transitioning later in their life, many of them will say they wished they took the first step a long time ago.

[Horizon]

So, what is it about yourself that makes you dysphoric?  Your appearance?  Social perception?  Clothing restrictions?  No matter which of the previously mentioned reasons you choose or anything else you may add, doing nothing will not help to alleviate it.

I'm starting HRT in just a few days.  I know that I'd be happiest as a woman, and my masculine traits are what I find the most aggravating.  Even if I never pass as a woman, I'm going to be significantly happier when those male characteristics are on their way out the door.  If I can only live my life as a more feminine boy, I'll gladly take that over knowing that my body is slowly being poisoned by some hormone I can easily block.  No matter which route I want to take - androgynous or female - HRT is going to be my greatest ally.

Ask yourself - if you hate looking more masculine as time goes by, wouldn't you at least be better off reducing that frustration?  If you somehow know that you're never going to be passable (not to be blunt, but you don't.  So many people have said that, and nearly as many have been wrong), why not try transitioning?  After all, if you'll "never be passable", you really don't have much to lose by trying.  You do, however, have so much potential to gain.