Howdy y'all

[heyChief]

Hey y'all -

I'm a gender questioning FTM-spectrum person living in the southeastern US.  I'm 27 and have just recently started talking to a local gender therapist to try to make some progress on this gender thing. 

I don't feel like I'm getting anywhere.  I'm anxious and depressed, and inconclusive and frustrated.  She advises that I've done pretty much everything I can do to edge into "male" territory (I've been wearing men's clothes almost exclusively since I was a kid, I work in a male-dominated industry, I have masculine mannerisms that are very natural to me, etc) short of actual social, hormonal, or surgical transition.  She believes that I am unlikely to make much progress or change in my life without "doing something that scares the ->-bleeped-<- out of [me]".  Specifically, she's advised that I strongly consider a testosterone trial.

I read about so many transguys who are chomping at the bit (or at least decidedly ready) for testosterone.  I gotta admit, I'm totally afraid of HRT and the health and social implications of transition.  Part of that is society, part of that is nuts-and-bolts physical health, and part of that is becoming dependent on a substance I cannot produce myself.  Part of my confusion and frustration is also all of the years I've spent thinking that gender is largely constructed by society and individuals. 

If it's a biological/physical fact that I'm a trans-male, why am I so hesitant about transition?  On the other hand, if gender is constructed, why does anyone need to / decide to (I know this is different for everyone) transition?

I have been with a MTF partner for the last year or so who is much older than me, and provides wonderful support and loving care.  She has been "fulltime" - her words - for 17 years now, and "post-op" for 13 years.  She transitioned in her early-40s and lost most of her life to be true to herself and transition to living as a woman. 

I'm living in a different time and with the different (arguably easier) set of difficulties that accompany FTM transition as opposed to MTF transition.  I'm younger than she was; I don't have a wife; I don't have employees; I don't own property; I don't have dependents.  Still, I think a lot of my fear comes from knowing how hard this has been for her.  How damaging transphobia has been in her life.  How long it's taken her to feel whole as a transgendered person.

I don't know if I can do what she's done.  I don't know if I'm as brave or as capable or as strong.  And, I'm pretty sure I don't have a choice.

Sorry for the rambling.  I'm reaching out for some support.  All signs point to me being a transgendered person, but I can't get my head around it or accept it; I feel like I've been in denial for years and I can't really "feel" that I'm actually trans, even though logic and experience and emotions and the perspectives of other people point in that direction.

I feel stuck, and like a hormone trial is the only way to get more information, but.... it seems crazy to do a hormone trial if I don't already know that I want to transition.

Thanks y'all,

-Melissa calls me "Mike"

[Devlyn]

Hey Chief, welcome to Susan's Place! We got profanity rules and everything here, you better watch out! Hugs, Devlyn

[V M]

Hi Chief 

Welcome to Susan's    Glad to have you here

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Hugs

V M

[Jamie D]

Welcome Mike!  Good to have you here.  Just to address one of your points.  I believe "gender identity" to be very real.  It is innate and largely immutable.  On the other hand, "gender roles" and "gender expectations" are largely sociological.

[Alice Elanore]

You actually remind me a lot of my friend James...he identifies as a male, wears male clothes, has male mannerisms, but has no intentions (to my knowledge) of doing a full transition (HRT or surgery). Nevertheless, I wish you the best of luck and all the happiness in the world, no matter what you choose 

[Anna++]

Hi Mike!  You've come to the right place to ask questions.  Transitioning is a decision that only you can make, and you are allowed to take it as far a you want (so if you don't want hormones you don't have to take them).  I wish you the best of luck, see you around the boards!

[Nero]

Honestly, I don't think there's really a such thing as a 'hormone trial' for ftms and testosterone. It's a little different for mtfs. But for ftms, the irreversible changes start immediately. It's not like we have much of a window to test things out.

Your therapist may be misinformed. Most of the treatment stuff was built on mtf needs, not ours. Mtfs can have a trial period. Testosterone really doesn't afford one.

I'm also concerned that this is your therapist's idea, not yours. You do not have to go on testosterone just because you're trans. In any event, you don't sound ready for it.

it seems crazy to do a hormone trial if I don't already know that I want to transition.

Pretty much. At least where T is concerned. You can't get your voice back once it's changed. Or your smooth face, chest, etc. Or genital growth (if that's something of concern). And there even seem to be changes not really talked about. I was off T for awhile and nothing reverted. The composition of my face has changed, even though that's supposedly not supposed to happen. I'd basically need an mtf transition.
So yeah, don't do it unless you're sure.
Good luck. 27 seems to be a common age of realization.