I apologize in advance if any part of this post strikes a nerve with readers.
I've known, pretty much always, that I am transgender.
My childhood was littered with abusers (physically, emotionally, sexually). I was r@ped by a stranger at 16. I bore a son the following year & after struggling (with everything) for 6 months, ultimately placed him for adoption.
I had always planned to transition upon turning 18. The reality was that by that age, I looked within myself & saw nothing but damage, anger, pain. Recognizing my learned self destructive coping behaviors, I made the decision to postpone transition until I was emotionally ready to handle the daily struggles it brings. I honestly doubt I would have survived *myself* if I had attempted it then.
The years have passed; I married a man, we bought a home, I owned a business, I am a college student.
When we began discussing children, I vetoed adoption & IVF. I am unwilling to pay the monetary cost for IVF. Adoption; I am the product of step-parent adoption, my father is the product of closed adoption & my son is the product of an *open* adoption. Adoption has brought a lot of pain and even more lies. I was unwilling to open myself to the prospect of being (again) at the mercy of a broken system (USA).
In the end, that meant that I would have to gestate. It was unpleasant, but temporary. We have 2 daughters (age 3 & 2).
After the children came, I again found myself postponing transition. In the beginning, life revolves around the needs of the child(ren). As they have grown I find myself with time and energies to direct elsewhere.
My husband; he is bisexual but a self described prude. He has always been "in the closet" about his bisexuality. Despite that, he has been very supportive of my decision to transition. My worry, whether valid or not, is that my transition may push his comfort level too far too fast. We have been working to keep communication open and honest, so any concerns on this end are generally relieved through discussion.
As for my children: They are not the greatest linguists yet. My 3 year old has only just recently begun to speak in whole sentences, though she still struggles a bit with mumbling. The 2 year old, well, she'll get there.
Recently the name and pronoun swap began in my daily life. My friends struggle with it a bit but are trying. My spouse is spot on.
My girls, they call me Momma, Mom, or Mommy. Initially I had a desire to attempt a forced change, as hearing those words causes tension within me.
Then I realized that their use of the term has absolutely zero to do with my gender right now. When they hurt, they cry out for Mommy; their safety net that provides hugs, kisses & bandages. When they fight, they cry out for Momma, their referee and savior. When they have a physical need, they cry out for Mom; the provider of food, beverage & tub time.
To those of you with children, what do your children call you? Do they use terms and pronouns for your post-transition gender or pre-transition? Were they given a choice or did you make it for them? Additionally, (if the choice was theirs) how do you feel about the outcome?
My worry is primarily directionless at the moment. I am good at worrying, though it often serves no purpose except to consume time.
I'll bring this (ramble) to a close. Any insight, feedback or advice offered is appreciated. Thanks!
