Quote from: TiffanyT on March 09, 2014, 11:40:21 PM
Hi Carrie,
I haven't been posting much, but I saw these the other day and I wanted to respond. Last time I talked with you was in the other thread where I kind of came off like a jerk. I'm really sorry for that.
I remember when you first posted those pics where you were trying out different hair styles, and I thought you were so vibrant and energetic and filled with this sense of optimism and hope. It was really inspirational. I guess it was around the time I joined the boards, or at least participating, and it's always stuck with me. I haven't gotten to know you very well since then, but I have always admired you and wished you the best.
I think that's part of why i reacted the way I did, like I felt like you were holding yourself back and it kind of upset me. Maybe it wasn't fair. But when I saw this pic, it's impossible for anyone to deny what a beautiful young lady you are. It's really incredible and you should be so proud of yourself.
Anyways, I hope things are going well and that you're feeling more confidant than you were. You deserve to. You've made such amazing progress and things are only going to keep getting better!
It's okay. I'll openly admit, I am a complete scaredy-cat when it comes to trying feminine things. And this fear admittedly is holding me back. Because I've been so afraid of trying these things, so afraid of looking weird, I'm still at the stage of makeup and clothes and accessorizing that most trans women are at before they even start transition. And frankly, the only reason I was even as far along as I was when I made that post, is because I had a group of trans friends who basically kicked me in the butt and got me out of the house to go clothes-shopping, get into public more, get my ears pierced, and at least try feminine clothes. If it weren't for them, I'd still probably only be ever going out in "girl mode" to go shopping once a month.
So really, I deserved it. And I still do. (Granted, I never even took your comments as jerkish at all, it was a genuine case where I was just completely ignorant to what the hell I was supposed to be doing, because I really had been too scared to ask anyone about it, or even try, up to that point.)
I do admit, I probably could have been full-time months ago if I wasn't so scared all the time. But really, you're right. I am still holding myself back. I'm still dealing with a tremendous amount of fear every time I go out. And it's taking me a very long time to internalize the simple fact that being trans is okay, and that I don't have anything to be ashamed of. I've just always cared too much about what other people are thinking about me.
So again, don't worry about it. I learned a lot about skin-care routines and makeup that I probably wouldn't have learned otherwise because you called me out on it.
And I'm not the type to take anything at all personally. So don't worry about it. I know that those who give me kicks in the butt are only doing it because they think I need it. And they're usually right. And you were definitely right. I really wasn't trying.
(And I'm actually not wearing any makeup in this most recent picture either, so in a way I guess I'm still not trying.
I really need to work on that.)
