totaly unexpected... at least for me

[greenroot22]

i have been keeping everything bottled up, and under wraps, and trying to keep it from coming out. but in the end i was having some thoughts that were scaring me real deep.

then i got an appointment with a doctor, (at the va hospital of all places ?!?!)

i almost passed out on the elevator ride up to the top floor (why is the mental health clinic always on the top floor?) and then couldn't even walk into the waiting area for a few minutes as i was having a panic attack inside.

and low and behold, nothing happened. well, i did get the chance to see the doctor, and begin the long path to wherever i am going to end up with this... but all my panic was for naught....

she even asked me how i would like to be refered to.... i just about cried tears of joy at that one, and it took me a bit to compose myself.

I've been wrapped up as a male, the way that i was born, that it was singly the happiest day of my life thus far.... and i wonder how long i really have been holding this in. (i have a few memory problems of some of my earlier years)

even my lows today after the appointment have been nowhere near as bad, i never had a clue how much i have been needing to let it all out.

but it was this forum, and reading some of the posts that got me to take some action. seeing that it isn't all that bad for some, and that i am not the only one having some of the thoughts and feelings inside.  i want to thank you all for that little bit of strength you all gave me. you didn't know it at the time, but it saved my life.

also i want to apologize for the brain vomit, I've been a little off kilter from my experience opening up earlier today

[RedFox]

Welcome greenroot!  And congratulations on taking the first step.     I'm also going through the VA for my treatment.  It IS scary at first, no denying that.  But as you'll learn, more often than not the fear we hold is generally not based in reality.  Most people, especially those in the medical community, are pretty accepting of those of us in transition.  I'm going through a VA hospital here in CA and I've got a great social worker for my mental health, a really sharp endocrinologist, and just today I got in touch with a premier Doctor of pharmacology.  My blood work and hormones are exactly where I want them to be and I couldn't ask for more at this point.

Things they won't tell you right away:  some VA hospitals DO offer voice therapy for trans folks.  Use it if you can or ask for an outside referral if its not offered. Some hospitals DO offer orchiectomy.  Depends on the hospital. Also.. I was told that the VA dermatology clinic MAY provide electrolysis as well.  I'm not holding my breath on that but I am crossing my fingers.  A top VA doctor told me that so there is a good possibility.

Drawbacks to the VA:  they don't cover FFS or GRS/SRS.  And while they have policies that require them to provide care for trans folks, not everyone is aware of that policy and not everyone has experience with trans folks.  My endo has had to justify my anti-androgens by stating they were for prostate.  It went through just fine, but despite the policy they can't provide "feminizing therapy to "men".  Jacked up.. but whatever works.

so.. after saying all of that... remember that you aren't alone.  Susans is a pretty great place with some wonderful people.  It was a great comfort to me when I found this place as I didn't have local alternatives when I first started coming out.

Best of luck to you on your new and exciting journey!

[greenroot22]

yes, the bag is most definitely mixed as to what they will offer. it's just trying to figure out how to get from one point to another. but then again at least i have gotten started.

at this point, i am more concerned about getting on hormones and getting that straitened out. right now it's just not stable up in my head. i would almost swear it feels like my hormones are shifting back and forth on me. when i feel girly i feel alive, when i don't i'm sort of just there. but maybe that's just the shock of everything going on right at the moment.

i don't know about srs right now, maybe ffs at some point. but i wouldn't mind getting this beard off my face. if they offer electrolysis, i would certainly take them up on the offer.

i just have to get the ball rolling, and now that i know the world isn't ending right away, i am trying to keep things moving with them. it wouldn't be the first time i have had to ride them about something.

[Shantel]

Things they won't tell you right away:  some VA hospitals DO offer voice therapy for trans folks.  Use it if you can or ask for an outside referral if its not offered. Some hospitals DO offer orchiectomy.  Depends on the hospital. Also.. I was told that the VA dermatology clinic MAY provide electrolysis as well.  I'm not holding my breath on that but I am crossing my fingers.  A top VA doctor told me that so there is a good possibility.

Drawbacks to the VA:  they don't cover FFS or GRS/SRS.  And while they have policies that require them to provide care for trans folks, not everyone is aware of that policy and not everyone has experience with trans folks.  My endo has had to justify my anti-androgens by stating they were for prostate.  It went through just fine, but despite the policy they can't provide "feminizing therapy to "men".  Jacked up.. but whatever works.

Welcome Greenroot!
         I get my healthcare through VA Seattle, they refuse to do SRS or electrolysis but the endocrine department does provide feminizing hormones for transgender patients and I understand that there is a voice program available, one of the gals here at Susan's is using that service with some success. I had to go outside the VA system for my orchiectomy as they wouldn't consider it until I had full blown testicular cancer even though I did have some nodes on my testes at the time probably from excessive Agent Orange exposure.

[greenroot22]

yes, i have talked to my psychologist, and have found that the main thing that is actualy forbidden is genital modification. which would rule out srs if i ever get that far. but of course the real rules are worded so loosely that there are alot of loop holes where the hospitals can kind of draw their own boundaries. but the fact that they would be able to go through and get things moving would be a great help to my sanity.

mentally i'm kind of in a grey area about all of this, and i don't have a clue how to sort this out... i  have been doing a lot of thinking since the meeting with some of the doctors. but telling some one about what is going on inside my head, much of which i may never speak of again, has been such a pressure relief that for the moment i have yet to have another spiral into depression.... yes it may be only a couple days since, but before this it was every other day.

i decided that night to keep a journal, and have put in nearly 20 pages (though i must admit the pages themselves are rather small.) it just sort of spills out every time i pick up my pen and journal.

once i can dig out what i've been keeping locked away, i think i will be able to make a more concrete decision on how far i want to transition. something tells me i may never care about completely passing. would that be genderqueer?

but the one thing every bit of me is calling out for is hormone therapy, and maybe electrolosis.

i'm just a mixed bag over here myself...

[Misato]

but the one thing every bit of me is calling out for is hormone therapy, and maybe electrolosis.

Good thinking.  I got laser and it was the biggest help for my dysphoria before I went full-time.

Good luck!  I'm glad you're on your way!

[greenroot22]

Good thinking.  I got laser and it was the biggest help for my dysphoria before I went full-time.

Good luck!  I'm glad you're on your way!

my dysphoria is all over the place right now. but the picture in my head is rather confused with itself.  my beard however drives me through the roof, even when i'm burnt out and not being dysphoric.

what has helped, and may be one of the reasons i had held out so long, has been my interests in Buddhism. there is allot there that can help with coping with some of the problems. at least it helped me cope until i could wake up and get some help.

but as with so many things, there is a true saying in Buddhism that i am probably about to butcher real bad.
once you have awakened to the truth, you can never go back to sleep.

[Misato]

but as with so many things, there is a true saying in Buddhism that i am probably about to butcher real bad.
once you have awakened to the truth, you can never go back to sleep.

I think I get that.  I had like a brief detransition a year ago.  After learning I could function in life as a woman, going back into the closet was painful cause I'd learned so much truth.