Could I be making myself TG?

[E-Brennan]

I've been thinking a lot over the past week or two.  My gender issues seem to fluctuate up and down, from barely noticeable to so stressful and uncomfortable that I physically ache in my chest from the discomfort and anxiety and desire to change gender because everything about me feels just wrong.  I guess I'm in one of those low-TG phases right now where I still feel it, but it's not interfering too much with my daily life (although it still occupies my thoughts about 50% of the time), so I've had some time to think.

Here's my question: could I be making myself TG?  Much in the same way that one goes online and reads about a particular illness or disorder and suddenly all the symptoms seem to appear, could my research into TG issues be causing me to self-diagnose when there's really no disorder at all?

From a historical perspective, I've gone through phases for as long as I can remember, but it's only recently (past year?) been getting to the point where it's becoming increasingly difficult to function mentally as male, and where it's become an almost-daily problem that truly gets in the way of functioning normally. I mean, how normal is it to go for weeks on end and think about nothing – literally nothing - but becoming female and how wrong and unfair and uncomfortable life is for me in my male body? But that has also coincided with me looking into this more seriously, and me making a conscious choice to deal with it and figure out what's going on.  The more I read, the more I get involved, the more TG I seem to become.  And perhaps the answer is to stop reading and talking and figuring things out, to stop feeding myself with ideas and information, and to try and just put this out of my mind and move on?

I just worry that I'm missing something here, and perhaps going down a road that I shouldn't be going down, only because I've been reading TG materials fairly heavily and it all seems to fit – but does it? Perhaps I just have depression, or just a slightly more feminine persona, or schizophrenia, or manic phases, and perhaps turning up the volume to 11 and diving headfirst into TG or some other gender disorder is going too far and too fast down the wrong road where maybe a little therapy and some good drugs would set me straight.

I just worry that it's almost like reading an article on, say, arthritis and suddenly every ache and pain is arthritis, or reading an article on stomach cancer and suddenly it's no longer indigestion that I'm feeling after I eat or drink too much. Perhaps I'm only feeling TG because I'm reading about it?

But then again, why on earth am I reading about them unless I'm concerned?

Confused. Very confused right now. Not necessarily looking for answers, but perhaps some guidance from those who second (and third and fourth and fifth) guessed themselves.  And especially from those who realized that they weren't TG after all and who cope with these ups and downs without transitioning.

[Bookworm]

I have thought about this as well. I have times where I go with being fine with being male to times where I cant stand it. I dont know sometimes. I have times where the idea of being a girl is disturbing, but others where it just seems right. I am lost and confused as well. I understand that feeling.

[CalmRage]

I have thought about this as well. I have times where I go with being fine with being male to times where I cant stand it. I dont know sometimes. I have times where the idea of being a girl is disturbing, but others where it just seems right. I am lost and confused as well. I understand that feeling.

me too. Are you my clone? My feelings have been in the background for a long time though, so something is real about that.

[Bookworm]

not a clone no, but I often wish the feelings would go away. If I had all the feelings one way or the other then I might not worry about it so much, but the flip floping is driving me nuts. It does not help that I came out to my mom and so I am slowly having that convo with her.

[CallMeJess]

I second guess myself constantly! However, it's just that every time I do, I become more convinced I'm a trans woman. In my experience, second (and third, fourth, and fifth) guessing is the thing that makes me more comfortable with my gender identity.

[Zoe Snow]

I struggle with this as well.  My TG thoughts were pretty well in remission so to speak for quite a while, but they were brought back with a vengeance a couple weeks ago, and now its really all I can think and focus on now.  I'm still not sure if I am going to transition at some point, but over the last few days, I've become much more receptive to the idea.  Watching videos on YouTube has had the biggest effect on me.  Watching others talk about their transitions and seeing how well they're doing, and having this feeling of being able to relate to them makes me really want to transition.  I'm meeting with a therapist tomorrow for the first time, so I'm hoping that will help me come to terms with what I'm feeling.   

[Jam]

I dont think you can be 100% sure but you can be close. I guess the biggest pointer for me personally that this was something I hadn't just obsessed about and got to the point of believing, was that it was there long before I even knew transgender people existed or that it made me different. It has always been there, the information online gave me hope, it gave me an option to live the way I felt I should but the actual want and feeling that I should be the opposite sex was there long before I even knew how to type.

[Tessa James]

We can identify with the heroine in a book and want to be like that or read about an illness and wonder about our symptoms but being transgender for most of us is deeper and more pervasive.  So far I have heard of no sure fire tests but if experience counts, what makes you feel better?  What gives you hope and how do you imagine yourself in the best light?  As you have previously heard, a counselor, therapist , support group or caring friends are essential parts of the journey for successful transition.  Yes, this is a very subjective experience and if we assume you are not into martyrdom why would anyone make themselves TG?  I just love becoming more feminine but all of the TG people, that I am aware of, deal with significantly painful experiences too.  It's no picnic to take this walk in the park to our honest true self.

Hang in there,
Tessa

[JoanneB]

Perhaps it's a planetary (miss)alignment but I am currently going through a major "WTF was I thinking?" phase. A good part of which boiled down to me relying too much on using my gender issues as a crutch. Something to cling to to help anchor me in a world gone awry. After all, if most times I not totally unhappy about be a guy, can even find plenty of good reasons to continue living as one, then why am I even thinking I am a TS? (Conveniently ignore all the hopes, wishes and dreams you had sine the age of 4) What ultimately benefits can I possibly gain at such tremendous costs?

So know I am slipping back into a "Life sucks and then you die" modality.

[Edina Rene]

I feel that the fact that we even begin to contemplate this means that we are open to the possibility of transitioning, as has been said by Tessa James "being transgender for most of us is deeper and more pervasive" hypochondria is a symptom of harboring a fear at having a certain condition, while feelings of transitioning are I think more of an openness to embracing a life path that can often be painful, not because of our own comfort and happiness, but because of societal and peer pressures and because of the ignorance and insensitivity of those we come in contact with.

Most people do not even consider their own gender identity and merely continue on with the one they were born into and to which the society dictates the proper expressions of. Many are so resistant to questioning themselves that when faced with gay or trans people and concepts vehemently oppose them as deviant and abhorrent and therefore become those who are gay/trans-phobic in order to deny that any force can sway them from their comfort and most likely do so because they are themselves, most likely subconsciously, do not feel really secure of their gender/sexuality.

Only you can know for yourself when and if you feel completely comfortable with your path. I myself am all-in with my current steps of transitioning, and looking back on beliefs/fantasies I had long before I had even known transitioning was possible (and way before the Internet was even developed by Arpanet) I can say for certainly that it was not simply because I was exposed to the situation through research but is deep in my personality.

I wish all of you posting here well with your process and will just say that this is an issue where there are no empirical right or wrong answers, only your answers for you and my answers for me though we are all dealing with the same questions.

[aleon515]

I tend to think that by definition if you think about your gender identity, you are trans. Because non-TG people just don't think about gender. BUT that doesn't mean that you will transition, take HRT or do anything like that. It means that your gender is not conventional perhaps. I don't think people who are depressed or are schizophrenic think about gender either. And I don't necessarily think the whole idea of having a girl personna is necessarily plausible.  Are you in therapy wiht a gender therapist? I should warn you though, I don't think that anyone has become LESS trans via therapy.

--Jay

[Zoe Snow]

I tend to think that by definition if you think about your gender identity, you are trans.

I would agree.  I believe 100% that I am transgender.  What I am unsure about is the should I transition part, which I'm hoping therapy can help me answer.  After spending pretty much all of the last 4 days trying to work through these issues, I feel like I'm to the point where if these feelings are going to continue to get worse as I get older, I should just transition now.  I'd much rather go through a couple hard years now while I'm still young, than drag this out till I'm older. 

[Erin Kay Howell]

You need to speak to a therapist... these kind of questions are best met with professionalism. 

Im not doubting anyones ability to assist in this matter but if you haven't talked to a therapist yet...

Its about time.

[CallMeJess]

I tend to think that by definition if you think about your gender identity, you are trans. Because non-TG people just don't think about gender.

Yeah, I kind of realized this myself at some point. It's kind of crazy because I spend a lot of time thinking about my gender identity and trying to understand it while it seems most people seem to just accept the one they're given without a second thought.

[Zoe Snow]

...if you haven't talked to a therapist yet...

Its about time.

I have an appointment for tomorrow at 14:30.

[zombieinc]

I tend to think that by definition if you think about your gender identity, you are trans. Because non-TG people just don't think about gender. BUT that doesn't mean that you will transition, take HRT or do anything like that. It means that your gender is not conventional perhaps. I don't think people who are depressed or are schizophrenic think about gender either. And I don't necessarily think the whole idea of having a girl personna is necessarily plausible.  Are you in therapy wiht a gender therapist? I should warn you though, I don't think that anyone has become LESS trans via therapy.

I agree with the part I put in bold. Binary folks don't ask questions about gender. Gender is just is what it is for them, like how the sky is always blue, water is always wet, nothing ever falls up, etc. It's like a constant in an equation, or something. You don't have to think about how many days there are in a week or how many fingers you have....you just somehow know those things and after awhile, barring strange circumstances, they just are. That's how gender is for most people. I've never encountered anyone else in RL that is trans or questioning. I did know gq persons in high school and a few in college...but they were not trans.

As an adult, I've spent a lot of time trying to figure out who I am, what I want, what it will take for me to be happy, successful, ok with myself, etc. I've also spent some time in therapy (for depression, suicidal thoughts, emotional disturbances, GID and a myriad of other issues I've had over the years). The ultimate core of all of my issues, though, is my discomfort and dysphoria as it relates to my GID and to my intersex condition (2 separate issues).

I would say that if you are thinking about gender and these thoughts are consuming you, then seeing a therapist is a good first step. You may also want to find an outlet, such as art, music, journaling, working out, whatever so that when these feelings or thoughts come up, you can deal with them in a positive way and be able to live your life.

Just don't deny yourself the chance to figure it out. Maybe your path won't be a full blown transition. Then again, maybe it will....you will figure that out in time.

[BunnyBee]

I tend to think that by definition if you think about your gender identity, you are trans. Because non-TG people just don't think about gender. BUT that doesn't mean that you will transition, take HRT or do anything like that. It means that your gender is not conventional perhaps. I don't think people who are depressed or are schizophrenic think about gender either. And I don't necessarily think the whole idea of having a girl personna is necessarily plausible.  Are you in therapy wiht a gender therapist? I should warn you though, I don't think that anyone has become LESS trans via therapy.

--Jay

This is pretty much it, imo.

[E-Brennan]

So much great advice and support in such a short time - I don't know what to say, other than thank you to everyone! Sometimes, just talking about this stuff really helps. At the very least, I think that withdrawing back inside my gender shell and trying to ignore it would be a recipe for short term success but long term disaster.  It'll just reappear in the future twice as big as before.

I tend to think that by definition if you think about your gender identity, you are trans. Because non-TG people just don't think about gender.

This seemed to sum things up pretty well for me.  I do think about gender - a lot.  I really need to push ahead with therapy, although like you said Jay, I'm not sure that will make me any less trans either.  And I don't really want to become more trans...it's hard enough already!

I've got it easy compared with most of you all too - and while there's so many beautiful success stories and happiness here, there's also a mountain of broken relationships, sadness, and hardship that many of you are struggling with and which make my issues seem trivial.  I wish there was something I could give back, as so far my contributions here have been rather selfish!

As ever, you people are great!  Thanks for helping out yet again.   

[Amy The Bookworm]

I don't think it's possible to make yourself trans. I think it's one of those things that you either are, or you aren't. No person who enjoys being their biological gender would even think twice about the concept, outside of trying to understand one of us.

What I do see when I go on line and read up on it and watch youtube videos and everything isn't an obsession so much as it is a realization and joy in the thought that I am not alone, and that there are other people out there like me who have gone through or are going through the same thing as me.

Living way out in the country in a small close minded town in Kansas makes me feel very isolated and lonely even with my wife (who doesn't yet know I'm trans, but I'm working with a therapist to tell her). It's hard for me to think of myself even as sane due to the people Im surrounded by and knowing what they would think and say if they found out.

Reading about others like me, talking to others like me, watching videos about others like me and so on is helping me to become more comfortable with myself one day at a time. It also makes me think more about it as I accept myself as a normal human being with my own unique thoughts, needs, and wants, who also happens to be transgender, artistic, a parent, and a fan of Star Wars

I think about it a lot, especially over the last three years, which is why I've started seeing a therapist. But I feel it's not only something I think about more and more . . . but it's something I need to think about more and more as time goes on. There's a lot to think about. Everything from doubts that last for 5 or 10 minutes for me where I ask myself if I'm sure I'm right about this, to worrying about how my family will react, to worrying about future employment, to what color nail polish I want, to losing weight, to what procedures I may or may not want for a number of reasons for and against, and more. I think, especially while transitioning, you need to think about the full ramifications. And because there's a lot to think about, it really shouldn't be a surprise to any of us who are trans that we almost feel compelled to do so during an age of information.

So . . . I'm ok with thinking about it 90% of the time. I think about it while I'm playing video games, watching TV, making love, shopping, driving in the car, in therapy . . . all the time. And I think I'd be stupid not to do so, as I have a lot to think about and a lot to consider.

Now I have to work up the nerve to do something about it. Tell my wife. start experimenting with make up again. Shave my legs. lose weight (making progress... But some days I want to scream when I see ice cream or cookies or . . . and now I'm hungry!) work on my voice. Walk into the LGBT center at the college and start trying to meet people like me. Being patient (... Even if my wife accepts me, there's no way we can afford me to start even HRT until I'm out of college and have a job...). I need to start taking steps even if they're baby steps.

But back to the topic!

...I don't think it's unusual for those of us transitioning to think about it often at all. Not to sound too harsh, but I think we'd be being incredibly stupid and naïve not to.

[Emily Aster]

I'm in the middle of this thing right now! And the "if you've ever questioned your gender, then you are trans" doesn't really fly with me. I get that non-trans people don't question their gender, but I question everything. I don't understand why anybody wouldn't question it. My logic and intuition are arguing with each other.

My logic says that I had a few scattered instances over the years and it didn't become full blown until I ended up at a support group, and that doesn't really mean I'm trans. It just means I have some feminine tendencies. And I really don't feel a need to be a woman most times in day to day life. It comes and goes. Sometimes I go days without thinking about it, other times I feel so anxious I think I'm going to die if I don't do something about it.

But then my logic also fights with itself because I thought about it my whole life, enough to feel the need to search for answers the second I discovered the Internet 20 years later. Despite the fact that I was always very physically fit, I actually let myself become overweight. Why? Because I wanted to feel like I had a chest, even if it wasn't real. I haven't bought male gendered clothing in about 6 months and I have so many female clothing items, that I've run out of hangers.

But the logic isn't the driving factor for me towards being trans. It's the driving factor towards NOT being trans. What keeps me in this cycle is that combined with intuition, because my intuition says I need to be a woman. That I can't explain. It's just a feeling that's independent of all logic. And it means more to me than my logic at this point. There was a time in my life when I was entirely driven by intuition. I didn't use logic to make any decisions. I did what I felt was the right move and it worked out very well for me. When I started leaning more towards logic, things became more difficult for me. Even when I shoot pool, I used to kind of feel what the right angle was for a shot and I was very good at the game. Now I try to actually aim instead and I keep missing! I'm lucky if I can run more than 3 or 4 balls, but with intuition, I could run 20-30 in my sleep. So I'm just going to keep logic for my job and get rid of it for everything else and see how that goes. Onward and upward!