Self-Image Dissociation

[Melissa-kitty]

So, my group therapist asks, "so why are you not just a feminine male?"
Gets me thinking. My habits, mannerisms, desires are not the big thing. In learning psychotherapy, the old rule is go for the affect. The affect, the big enchilada. Where that's at is my self-image.. what do I see when I look in the mirror? I have never been able to look at myself in the mirror. Ever. What I see there has no correlation at all with what is inside me. I have always held myself to be grotesquely deformed, since I was very very young, even though I look normal in reality, not ugly, and in some ways, quite nice-looking. But that isn't how I see myself. When I look at myself in the mirror nowadays, I fragment it.. I can see a section of face to shave, hair to comb. But to look at my face, my body shoots anguish and very physical pain through me. It has somewhat calmed the past few years. Now, at best, the phrase goes through my head, "Oh God! Not him!"
When I was small, I would masquerade as a girl, put towels on to mimic a dress or long hair. I'm sure many of you have done this. Dressing as a woman, as an adult, I could stare at myself for hours. "So that's what I look like!" I'm fully cognizant of how grotesque I must look dressed as a woman, how much I don't pass. But there is a deep recognition, a relief. Not erotic, but a peace that shows to me how much effort I put in every moment to suppress how I truly am.. how twisted and deformed I have truly become in an attempt to pass as a normal American male.
I would sincerely appreciate your feedback, thoughts, and feelings. I do appreciate all of you, so much.
Namaste, Tara

[seldom]

I definitely have self image disassociation.  Dressing helps, but in my mind it was always one step closer, but so many steps far away. 

[Mattie]

I keep telling myself that of course I look like a man.  All the pieces of me I see in the mirror, broad shoulders, beard stubble, hairy chest, they all belong to a normal looking male.  So in reality I look the way I was born to look.  I know it stinks that I don't look the way I should, but it can't be helped right now.
And I figure it could be worse...I could have been born without arms or legs.  Then I would really be in trouble.

[Renae.Lupini]

i would say that all you need to worry about is how you identify yourself. The only thing that really matters is how we see ourselves. I am not big fan of having people telling me how I should feel about me.

[Keira]

Ranae, I don't get it. You always speak as if you were the product of no culture, no environnement. What you think of yourself is in great part dependant of many things that you've unconsciously integrated. Nobody's an island. Your self-image was built in constant interaction with the outside world, its a mirror of you, and it is mirror within you.

If you identify yourself as a woman, but nobody on earth does, I think we all know that won''t work since that's the place we all start from.

So, what others think you are does matter to a point.

In society, we have to balance self-image with the image we project to others, may it your group of friends, our community, or the world at large.

[Renae.Lupini]

Ranae, I don't get it. You always speak as if you were the product of no culture, no environnement. What you think of yourself is in great part dependant of many things that you've unconsciously integrated. Nobody's an island. Your self-image was built in constant interaction with the outside world, its a mirror of you, and it is mirror within you.

If you identify yourself as a woman, but nobody on earth does, I think we all know that won''t work since that's the place we all start from.

So, what others think you are does matter to a point.

In society, we have to balance self-image with the image we project to others, may it your group of friends, our community, or the world at large.

I do identify as a woman and one point in time people didn't quite see it that way. When they pressed the button by outing me to over 100 people, I proved i was by progressing forward in my preferred gender role. So if it did matter in the least bit it only mattered for the fact of me proving them wrong and showing the world who i am. My friends, co-workers, family, and people I meet, do not like me for some public portrayal of what I think I want them to see. I am myself and they know that.

Next time you want to analyze my station in life please refer to the rules


15. You may challenge the issue, but never the person.

[RebeccaFog]

So, my group therapist asks, "so why are you not just a feminine male?"

Namaste, Tara

    I was asked that and I got angry at being called male. It was funny, I never get angry. Unless you call me that, I guess.
    I have the same issues with mirrors that you have. I feel okay when I don't have to look at myself so I try to avoid it.

[Seshatneferw]

I know it stinks that I don't look the way I should, but it can't be helped right now.
And I figure it could be worse...I could have been born without arms or legs.  Then I would really be in trouble.

Me too. Having a male body is a birth defect (considering the mind that inhabits this body), but in the end it is not even close to the worst possibilities.

  Nfr

[SarahFaceDoom]

Sometimes I get overly critical of how I look. But I'm a lot better now than I used to be.  I feel confident in presenting myself as me.  I know I'm not perfect.  And that I never will be.  But I won't be defined by where I may come up short in other people's opinions.  I mean, yeah, I'll see some part of me in the mirror and just think it's terrible.  A smile and confidence covers a littany of problems though.  I think for me though, what gets me out the door is that in spite of my flaws, I know I am a woman, and I am also trans, and I don't don't let either of those things make me feel bad about myself.  And so far that's worked.  People kind of treat me on my own terms.  I mean, now I would say 90 percent of the time I pass a mirror it's a nice experience.

I mean, yeah so what we were all born having to hide behind the wrong gender, just thanks to some biological quirks.  But we don't have to now.  Being trans is pretty special, and I think all the worries about passing and fitting the ideals of a sexually repressed patriarchal society are not that well founded.  I'm not living my life to be a fugitive to myself.  I've always been the girl I am now, it's just now I'm letting people see it.

I don't really like the idea of saying that I was born with a birth defect.  It feels too much like I'm asking for pity, when I've really been given a gift. 

[Seshatneferw]

I don't mean it like asking for pity, either; quite the opposite. It's something that happened, and while certain aspects of it are very annoying it's also something I have to (and have been able to) live with. It's also something that has had a great deal of influence in my growing up as I did, and all in all I have to admit to being pretty satisfied with the results so far. Even the annoying aspects are in the end relatively mild, if you consider the worst that could have happened at birth.

  Nfr

[zombiesarepeaceful]

I get pissed when people call me a female. CAN YOU SEE ME? I HAVE FACIAL HAIR AND NO CHEST. QUIT REFERRING TO MY GENITALS.

When I look in the mirror I no longer see a girl..thank god..I see a man. I still don't agree that its my body though..its not..cuz underneath the tape and packing there's another's body..and its sure as hell not mine. When my therapist asked why I self harm..I said cuz its not my body and I don't care. I'm trying to make it irrecognizable as..female...which its not..

I guess I disassociate from my body alot by denying its not mine.

-Matt

[Pica Pica]

I think my body disassociates from me. It never does what i want it to, i quite like it - wish it had a nice girly waist, a flat stomach, but generally A-OK....but it hates me. Meanie.

[Lisbeth]

So, my group therapist asks, "so why are you not just a feminine male?"

Because it doesn't match my self-identity?  When I first came out to my son (he was 12 at the time), he asked me very much the same question.  "How do you know you aren't just a guy who likes girl's things?"  The only answer I could give him is the same as I would tell anyone else.  "I don't know how I know.  It's just how I feel inside."

At a certain level your therapist is talking about the psychological concept of gender identity development.  Unfortunately, most practicing therapists, until very recently, were taught the cognitive and socialization theories of Kohlberg, Bem, and Bandura.  So they are not working from the understanding that we are born with the knowledge of what gender we are supposed to be.  They are operating with the idea that your experience shapes your gender identity, and that there must be an experiencial "why" you feel the way you do.

Perhaps there is a way to turn the question to your advantage, though, by transforming it into the sociological concept of identity negotiation.  Instead of answering their question, start a conversation exploring what it would take for people to start acknowledging that you are correct when you say you are a woman.

[Fiona]

... I have never been able to look at myself in the mirror. Ever. What I see there has no correlation at all with what is inside me. I have always held myself to be grotesquely deformed, since I was very very young, even though I look normal in reality, not ugly, and in some ways, quite nice-looking. But that isn't how I see myself.

That's pretty close to how I feel. I loathe and detest what I see in mirrors. Shopping is a nightmare because the shops all have mirrors and catching sight of myself unexpectedly is enough to ruin my mood.

[LostInTime]

I dislike what I see in the mirror as well. Due to that and a few other things, I do not allow photos to be taken. I managed to be a big part of a wedding ceremony last year and managed to avoid being on film or card except for a 10 second clip when I was timing the parties for their walk to the altar.

However, I have had many people tell me that I am foolish because I am pretty, attractive, or not that bad looking. A few others have agreed with how I feel. But I have never been able to overcome the blahs I feel when I look into the mirror most of the time. There are days where I think I look pretty good but they are few and far between.

[Kate]

I dislike what I see in the mirror as well. Due to that and a few other things, I do not allow photos to be taken.

Me too, though I forced myself to post those before/after pics to try and get over it. I don't see myself as "deformed," but really moreso just ugly and weird-looking. Intellectually, I know that's not entirely true - I was just another guy. But even now, I can't help but feel embarassed and ashamed of how I look, irrational or not. I don't know why exactly, it's just always been that way.

Now, I honestly AM weird-looking, being a strange hybrid of female and male features from ten months of HRT.

~Kate~

[Keira]

I avoided mirrors for 25 years. From puberty onward!!!!
You can imagine how disheveled I looked like most of the time...

Lately, its the opposite, I can't tear myself away from mirrors.
I can't believe what I see. I like is so much. I smile.
I never felt satisfied with how I looked till now.

[Kate]

Lately, its the opposite, I can't tear myself away from mirrors.
I can't believe what I see. I like is so much. I smile.
I never felt satisfied with how I looked till now.

Awl, that's so sweet to hear

Did you find yourself at a really frustrating stage at one point? I look good enough from SOME angles, in some lighting, that I think, "Wow! FINALLY! I can't believe this! I'm a girl!"

But then I turn my head an inch and, "DARN it already... there HE is again. I knew he was hiding there somewhere. Go AWAY, will you?!?"

Repeat tease/torture every few hours

~Kate~

[Nero]

That's pretty close to how I feel. I loathe and detest what I see in mirrors. Shopping is a nightmare because the shops all have mirrors and catching sight of myself unexpectedly is enough to ruin my mood.

Oh god, I can so relate to that, Fiona.

[katia]

i normally see a beautiful woman from the waist up; the rest is just hideous