I've been thinking about writing this post for a while. First, I'm shocked I get to do it! I mean, just over a year ago I thought I could never transition. Yet, here I am.
Being six months in is, in some ways, harder than being six days in. Back then I still had plenty of coming outs to do and I got strangely addicted to it I think. Coming out went from fear to a
rush over how was I going to break the news to so and so? I don't think that was particularly healthy but now that my coming outs are largely done, some spark is sure gone. Then there's the time when the people who knew me before going full time were such a large part of my daily life versus now. It is harder now in a new job where they only know me presenting female when many are clocking my male past. Before I could justify the clocking because they knew me as a guy, now there's just things amiss with my presentation that give me away and I know it. That's hard. Really hard sometimes.
Then there is insurance. I had good insurance, now I don't thanks to my switching jobs. Stupidest financial decision I've ever made.
But, transition has been worth it. By the way I'm writing this thing kind of stream of consciousness and I appear to be doing a bad news -> good news format.
Had I not transitioned, I expect by this time I would have found a bottle to crawl into and/or my anger would have gotten me fired. I don't make such statements lightly. I do hold being in the closet fed a growing problem I had with alcohol. One of the many gifts that transition has given me is I just don't want to drink anymore. Despite having life problems, expensive and stressful ones at that, I can actually deal with them without even being tempted to make them worse with booze. Then there is the anger. I just can't work myself up into the rage that I could before. I explain that with testosterone poisoning is a real thing and I had it, bad.
I found out that my SO was thinking of leaving me just before I began my transition. Two days ago, I found out she told her sister she's happy in our relationship. Transition saved what will be my nine year relationship with my SO on the 24th.
I smile more. I took a series of pictures as I had my hair extensions put in of me grinning as my hair was dyed. I was scared for a moment when it was just my hair because I thought I looked like Jared Leto did in Fight Club. BUT! As soon as I took my first pic with that first bit of length in, my teeth came out smiling. I smile a lot more now which is nice.
I still have aspirational things about myself to achieve. I want to be more optimistic. More social. I've both made progress and had setbacks on these fronts.
My six months HRT isn't until the 29th. I don't count the Low Dose time. Heck, I was only on low dose estrogen for something like two and a half weeks when I went full time. Boobs have grown. On occasion I feel them jiggle now, don't know why it's intermittent. Glad cause sometimes the jiggle HURTS! I went on this city bus ride and every bump OW ow! OW ow! Skin has a feminine texture to it now. Really notice it by feel, not so much by vision. Speaking of vision, colors pop so much more now! Greens, reds and all their various shades, I notice their subtleties so much easier now. My upper body strength is gone. I mean completely gone. Nails seem more brittle, but that could be cause I'm growing my nails out longer. Hips I don't think have changed much. Fat still likes to find my gut and not useful places like my butt.
I don't want to make this over long so I think I'll wrap it up here. I think of the years I lurked here at Susan's on the boards, the time I spent actually chatting here on IRC. The times I ran away thinking I could stuff being trans down into some corner of my mind and hide it, only to come back eventually. Ah! That makes me think of the last gift I want to mention that transition gave me. The freedom from fear. I've found most people to be kinder and more understanding than I ever dreamed. I recall saying in group therapy that I was afraid I would be an "epithet receptacle" if I came out. But instead on the whole, I've found people from Liberal Academics to Concentrative Farmers to be supportive. I found that most of the fears I had were those I projected onto the world. They weren't really in the world or at least not near as pervasive as I was once sure they were. Learning that so much of what I was afraid of was in my head, has been liberating!
Now, on to my year anniversary! And hopefully a new job!
