I'm sick of everyone.
After going 6 months without being misgendered, I've been misgendered twice this week. Since both times it was busy/noisy, there was no opportunity for me to really correct them or even express annoyance. If I was in a situation that was clearly one-on-one, and not noisy, I'd probably tell the (probably well-meaning) individual where to go and how to get there. I don't care anymore if they meant well. I've been on T for 18 months, almost 19. I've had women yell at me when I was a cashier and called them 'sir' and upon closer inspection, I realized that I wasn't paying enough attention and that they were in fact female (probably cis). I imagine if I called a man ma'am I'd have gotten it worse. I hate my body though. I want to rip my skin off. I wish I looked manly enough so that there was no doubt. Just like, oh, before I was transitioned, there was no doubt I was female. Nope, never, clearly a woman. Why can't I be, CLEARLY, UNDENIABLY, male? There are cis men who look like me, wonder how often this happens to them. Right, because I was born in the wrong goddamn body. I hate my boobs, I hate my vagina, I hate my stupid baby face, I hate my voice, I hate that estrogen got so many years to screw everything up and I'm mad at the fact that I never got to experience a large part of my life the way I should have. Hell, I still don't.
And while we're at it, I'm getting to the point where I wish I was raised to be more of an a-hole. For the last little while, every goddamn time I eat I have someone in my family down my throat about 'healthy' choices. And CALORIES. Guess what? I know what food is good and bad, and yeah, I chose the crappy food, because it tastes good and I truly do not give a crap at this point. I'm a big man, I've got a belly, and I know why it's there. Thanks. If I wanted women jumping down my throat at every chance, I'd have gotten married.
Amongst other things. I was never taught to stand up for myself. In fact, I was taught the opposite - shut your mouth and take it.
My grandpa really said it all. I was telling him that certain family were still getting the name wrong and he said "give it time and just don't say anything." I said "I've given them 4 years, what do you call that?" And he said "yes, but it's only now they've HAD to." Yes, because up until recently I didn't have a semblance of balls and let myself be treated like a joke. Only now did I insist, insist, insist. Only after I stopped shedding tears and started telling people it was either get with the program or I would be spending my time with other people on family holidays.
Even saying all of this, acknowledging that I don't deal with problems head on - I doubt anything will get better! Because I'm too pathetic to even make the changes. I have too much working against me. I'm a tiny, weak little loser. I talk like a woman and don't know how to be direct because no one ever taught me. I was taught about "diplomacy" and "keeping my mouth shut." Not about just tell people to get off my back. No one would ever take me seriously anyway.
I don't see the point in being nice anymore. I really don't. I don't see a point in trying to help anyone, in trying to "talk" to anyone, and be "assertive" and make people feel good. I don't. I'm starting to think the only way I can make it in this world is if I am selfish and walk all over everyone. It's what many people seem to do.
