Some background: I have my first appointment with a new therapist on Tuesday for starting my male to female transition. I had one about a year ago, but the therapist made me feel uncomfortable and embarrassed. I wish I would've just tried to find a new one, but instead ended up stopping the process completely. I tried to live as male and suppress my feelings, but they ever really left and only amplified over that time period. Since then I've come to accept that I am transgender and will be transitioning, yet I still had a bit of vague uneasiness about the whole thing that I couldn't put a finger on. I worked out most of the issues that I had about everything, yet there still was a bit of anxiety about starting the process. This is the one big issue that I was planning to work through with my therapist before starting HRT.
Today I had a bit of a personal breakthrough on the subject and as a result, and I feel much better. I decided that I will start deliberately presenting androgynously, and embrace that I am a non-male intersex person (XXY/KS). I had been wearing a bit more androgynous clothing, like skinny jeans, shorts above the knee, v-necks, etc for a couple years. Men's clothing that made me feel a little better. From now on, I'll be buying womens/unisex clothes that may be a bit more feminine, but could pass as mens clothing. I still have the same plans for transitioning to female including HRT and eventually SRS; this is a stepping stone and an action that I can take right now. In reality, it's not going to be much of a change from presenting male before I'm ready to come out fully, but just how I feel about it.
I feel like that uneasiness was anxiety about the scope of transition combined with having had transgender feelings for a long time and not having done anything concrete yet. Now, I can feel that I'm in transition and not pre-everything anymore. I can feel more comfortable with myself on a day-to-day basis while continuing to work towards my transition goals.
Has anyone else had a similar experience?
