Wife of FTM Shares Story and Asks Non-PC Questions

[TYEtheEMT]

For most of my life I have known about, supported and encouraged my Friends (used in a broad sense of the word) to be who they want and needed to be. It is so important to me. I myself have identified as bi, lesbian, dyke, butch, questioning and currently pansexual. I've delved into the process of transitioning and became acutely immersed in the culture and the way of life. I view being trans a spiritual liberating thing. To be able to envision ones self exactly as you want or need to be, is something truly to be respected and honored. I learned so much about this transformation process, that I instructed auditoriums worth of people about being trans and what it is 'all about'.  These lectures were at collages in my area and were from the perspective of the trans persons transition, as well as medically. Point being is short of being trans myself I am probably one of the most trans friendly, open and supportive people one can find. I've always viewed being trans like how a caterpillar is the same being as the butterfly.

I've never identified as any particular gender, and I have never wanted to. I've been who I want to be when I want to be it. I have my femme days, my butch days, my whatever is comfortable days, my male and my female days. I have a fairly fluid gender identity and from a spiritual point of view, a fluid energy. I know I have breast and a vagina, and I am more than happy with them because they give me orgasms, and they look beautiful. So I have accepted my sex if female, but I could care less if I am call sir or mam. I really hate this binary gender system we live in. I don't identify strongly with one gender or the other, and I really don't care to. I am ME!

I've been in a relationship with my wife B for about 8 years, who when we first met was identifying as trans. I was thrilled that B had figured this out and was frustrated and disappointed that B decieded not to do anything about it. For about 5 years B then decided to go talk to a trans friendly  Dr. that I found about starting T. B at this point decided not to follow thru,  until about 6 months ago when B said "Yep, I am man".  From there B changed his pronouns officially. Revisiting his Dr. he started the road to starting T.

I've been uneasy and downright scared, sometimes even upset through this process, even though I am so ecstatic, honored, and amazed, about him embracing his identity.  I feel at times like I am being dragged behind the back of a horse. The fear I feel with being out of control, can become overwhelming. As of 10 days ago, I gave him his first injection of Testosterone. The moment I started drawing the medication, my apprehension dissolved but my questions kicked in. Things have been changing about him very quickly. The thing that is most upsetting is his smell. He smells completely different, and I almost want to cry every time I smell him. I feel like I am losing something. The thing that is bothering me the most is the questions. Now that I am directly affected by a trans person that mean the world to me, all of these questions that need answers are coming up for me.

I am so ashamed of these questions, because I have never questioned the root of being trans before, and I have never needed to, for me gender doesn't matter. It feels almost sacrilegious to ask them, but apparently I am having to. He can't seem to answer them for me. He doesn't seem to want to address them at all. I do understand the body dysphonia perhaps more that you know. I too also look into mirror and don't see myself looking back. I've had many years struggling with eating disorders and disgust with my body, so I get that part. However, now I feel protective and worried for my Love. I want him to know exactly what he is getting into and know of all the facets of this process. It feels odd to have more knowledge on some levels of this choice the he does. The think that I don't understand is the internal emotional process. My doubt and fear that I never knew I had is showing itself in the need to find the answers to these questions. They are loaded, not polite, nor PC, and maybe not even nice, but I have them just the same. I am so ashamed to have these questions, but I seem to need to answer them. If someone with patience could help me to answer these questions, I'd be so grateful!

-Why is identifying with a certain gender in this binary world important enough to need and change it?

-If one is a man in spirit to begin with, then how does taking hormones and having surgery make one more of a man? Why it is important?

-Never being brought up as a man, and knowing that shaping manhood will be gained through practical experience, what is your concept of being a man? Theoretically what does it mean to be a man?

-How are you treated now interpersonally? How do you think or want to be treated differently and how would that ideally change? What is the difference between the two?

-After all woman fought for to give future generations the right to live in a better world, how is becoming a man (in a male dominated society) honoring woman's history? Is this important?

-If being female isn't good enough for you, how is it good enough for me or anyone else?

-How will you know when you have "become a man"? What does the finished stage of this transformation look like to you now? How are you different now, compared to your ideal?

Thank you. Any response would be helpful.

[LordKAT]

I understand your questions and will give answers that relate to me. How they will matter to your or your friend is something else.

Smell is something that matters a great deal to women about their partner. This you may not have realized earlier.



And now for the Q's:

-Why is identifying with a certain gender in this binary world important enough to need and change it?

While the binary may not be where you need to be, I know that I am not the least bit female and need my body and life to reflect that. Unfortunately, my body developed differently.


-If one is a man in spirit to begin with, then how does taking hormones and having surgery make one more of a man? Why it is important?

Not more of a man, just brings the physical form to the shape it always should have been. It relieves the deep sense of discord to correct it.

-Never being brought up as a man, and knowing that shaping manhood will be gained through practical experience, what is your concept of being a man? Theoretically what does it mean to be a man?

What does it mean to be a woman? I will never know. I, unlike  many, was generally raised as one of the guys. I don't know of theoretically being a man, I only know who I am and have seemingly always known. The strange problem of no-one else knowing was making life unbearable as well as the fact that my body did notwork as it should. The waking up only to find out, again, that my body was wrong was nightmareish almost every morning of my life.

-How are you treated now interpersonally? How do you think or want to be treated differently and how would that ideally change? What is the difference between the two?

This I find hard to describe but it is something you can feel.

-After all woman fought for to give future generations the right to live in a better world, how is becoming a man (in a male dominated society) honoring woman's history? Is this important?

Why would I care about that? Men, too, have fought for a better world in the future.

-If being female isn't good enough for you, how is it good enough for me or anyone else?

It is good enough for you because you are female. I am not.

-How will you know when you have "become a man"? What does the finished stage of this transformation look like to you now? How are you different now, compared to your ideal?

I am not becoming a man, I have always been one. The finish line is different for each individual.
I have not the funds to complete anything, I just strive to get as close as I can, as quickly and safely as I can. Note: the safely is recent.

[Edge]

Thank you for your questions and your honesty. The following would be how I answer these questions, but I am only one person and do not speak for all of us.

-Why is identifying with a certain gender in this binary world important enough to need and change it?

I don't really know how to answer this, so forgive me if I misunderstood the question. According to studies that have been done, the brains are trans people have the structure of the gender we identify as. The theory is that this is caused by a flood of hormones during brain development (testosterone for males and estrogen for females) in the womb. This is thought to be the reason why we identify as the gender(s) we are. Personally, I think it's kind of like an appendix. You don't really notice it's there until something is off, but it can cause a lot of pain when it is off. Except with appendicitis, one removes the appendix and with gender dysphoria, one transitions. (Although whether and how one transitions is personal to them.)

-If one is a man in spirit to begin with, then how does taking hormones and having surgery make one more of a man? Why it is important?

Taking hormones and surgery isn't to make us more of a man. We already are men. It is to help relieve the dysphoria. Gender dysphoria is not the same as body dysmorphic disorder and does not respond to the same treatments. Transitioning is our treatment.

-Never being brought up as a man, and knowing that shaping manhood will be gained through practical experience, what is your concept of being a man? Theoretically what does it mean to be a man?

There are as many ways to be a man as there are men.
Therefore, my personal concept of being a man is specific to me. The way I see it is my experiences don't shape my gender. My experiences, brain, genetics, etc shape who I am as a whole. Gender is a part of who I am that is determined by my brain.

-How are you treated now interpersonally? How do you think or want to be treated differently and how would that ideally change? What is the difference between the two?

I'm treated pretty much the same except I get more comments about gender roles from people who assume I care (and that I won't be pissed that I have to hear that idiocy) and people are sometimes dismissive of my identity. I am not pleased about those last two and want them to stop.
Specific to me, I want to be treated as who I am. I do not believe there is much of a difference in who I am as a man and who I would be if I was a woman, but I'm not 100% sure since I am not a woman.

-After all woman fought for to give future generations the right to live in a better world, how is becoming a man (in a male dominated society) honoring woman's history? Is this important?

It is important, but has nothing to do with us being men. Do you normally ask men how them being born men honours women's history?

-If being female isn't good enough for you, how is it good enough for me or anyone else?

"Good enough" also has nothing to do with it and, personally, I find this question misogynistic. What makes you think being female isn't good enough and why are you suggesting that we feel that way? Do you normally ask men if being female isn't "good enough" for them because they were born men?

-How will you know when you have "become a man"? What does the finished stage of this transformation look like to you now? How are you different now, compared to your ideal?

I was born a boy. I figured out I was a man after I rediscovered myself after dealing with some issues (unrelated to being trans) that were distracting me and did some me searching. I'm not sure what the finished stage of transition would look like or what it would be for me yet. Right now, I'm pre-everything, so things like not being able to pass as male, having boobs, etc are pretty different from my ideal and it bothers me.


Whew! That took a long time to write. I reviewed it a few times, but I apologize if there are typos and if I make no sense. Also, I would like to remind you that I am one person and my responses are based on my opinion.

[Oriah]

Q-Why is identifying with a certain gender in this binary world important enough to need and change it?

A-It changes how the world views and treats us.  Sometimes the grass looks greener on the other side of the binary.



Q-If one is a man in spirit to begin with, then how does taking hormones and having surgery make one more of a man? Why it is important?

A-The body and mind will react to the hormones, making one feel and appear more masculine.  It helps one to look and feel the part more fully.



Q-Never being brought up as a man, and knowing that shaping manhood will be gained through practical experience, what is your concept of being a man? Theoretically what does it mean to be a man?

A-My concept of being a man is pretty varied.  Some men are tough, others are soft.  Some aggressive some passive.  It's a pretty complicated question, and there are a lot of opinions, but nobody seems to agree on the matter.



Q-How are you treated now interpersonally? How do you think or want to be treated differently and how would that ideally change? What is the difference between the two?

A-Typically I am treated as a female, but to some they treat me as a male, and still others treat me as a gender->-bleeped-<-.  I desire to be treated as a female.  The difference for me is in social expectations and how I am treated.  I feel that people treat me more kindly, take on a calmer, more gentle disposition with me.  People help me more...hold doors open for me...smile at me more...help me carry things.  People seem to treat me more warmly, tend to be more friendly.  When I am treated as a male people seem more standoffish, as if I'm perceived as a threat.  People are less likely to talk to me, speak quickly, in fewer words.  People give me more space...keep their distance...tend to avoid eye contact more.



Q-After all woman fought for to give future generations the right to live in a better world, how is becoming a man (in a male dominated society) honoring woman's history? Is this important?

A-It isn't honoring woman's history.  But it isn't dishonoring it either.  It's making a choice between ends of the binary.  Choosing to transition to male isn't a way of saying "screw women's history."  It's saying "I'm not a woman." 




Q-If being female isn't good enough for you, how is it good enough for me or anyone else?


A-It's not saying that being a woman isn't good enough.  It's saying it isn't right for them.  For example...I'm not a mechanic.  That's not to say being a mechanic isn't good enough for me...it's saying I don't want to be one because it isn't right for me.  That said, I have no disrespect for mechanics.  My spouse aspires to be one...



Q-How will you know when you have "become a man"? What does the finished stage of this transformation look like to you now? How are you different now, compared to your ideal?

A-I wouldn't say someone transitioning to male "becomes a man."  They've probably always been one.  But there may come a time during transition where everything "clicks" and it starts to feel more natural.



Of course, these are only my opinions, to be taken with a few grains of salt.  I hope at least something I said is helpful to you.

[Donna Elvira]

Hi,
I think you ask some great questions and don't see any reason why you should feel bad about raising them. I chose to go the other way and I tried to put words on what pushed me to take the leap in this post:

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,139296.msg1126367.html#msg1126367

The representations have to be very different for a FTM but i guess deep down, it is always about representations and fully "being" the person you feel you are inside.

Hope that helps you a little.
Warm regards and bon courage.
Donna

[FTMDiaries]

I am so ashamed of these questions, because I have never questioned the root of being trans before, and I have never needed to, for me gender doesn't matter.

Please don't feel ashamed; any honest questions asked with good intentions deserve an answer. Particularly when they are asked out of love.

Why is identifying with a certain gender in this binary world important enough to need and change it?

I couldn't care less how other people define what constitutes male, female or other - I just know how I identify and how I want to be perceived by other people. Unfortunately my brain formed as male and my body formed as female, so I need medical assistance to bring those two parts of myself into alignment. This incongruence between my identity and my appearance has caused me a great deal of discomfort for many years because I was put under immense pressure to try to figure out how to be something I'm not - and I was made to feel like I was the one in the wrong whenever I couldn't quite get it right. Which was often.

If one is a man in spirit to begin with, then how does taking hormones and having surgery make one more of a man? Why it is important?

Firstly, I don't believe there is such a thing as 'spirit' (unless we're talking alcohol, in which case make mine a double!) but hormones & surgery will not make me 'more of a man'. Rather, they'll alter my exterior appearance to match my internal identity so that I'll feel more comfortable in my own skin and people will interact with me more appropriately. They'll also enable me to look in a mirror without crying for the first time since 1978. That's a pretty big deal to me.

Never being brought up as a man, and knowing that shaping manhood will be gained through practical experience, what is your concept of being a man? Theoretically what does it mean to be a man?

This is a nature vs. nurture argument. Does becoming a man (or a woman, for that matter) mean that one has to be taught how to do that by other people ('nurture') or is it something we grow into based on who we are ('nature')?

It's true that society is geared towards pushing little boys to become men and little girls to become women. But the thing is, my own brothers grew into a fully functional men in the absence of a male role model because that's simply their nature, and the same is true for me. In short: I was born this way.

'Being a man' means whatever one needs it to mean in their life. Men can be many things, just like women can. I just want to be myself, with a body & mind that match. That's all.

How are you treated now interpersonally? How do you think or want to be treated differently and how would that ideally change? What is the difference between the two?

Sadly, in all honesty I'm treated like more of an adult now that I present as male, particularly in stereotypically male environments such as hardware stores, IT, car sales & servicing etc. I used to have to put up with condescension & patronising behaviour when I presented as female. Sad, but true. Whilst I do enjoy this refreshing change in how other people treat me, it wouldn't be a valid reason to transition in and of itself. Rather, society should treat men & women as equals... but according to my experiences on both sides of the fence, it simply doesn't.

After all woman fought for to give future generations the right to live in a better world, how is becoming a man (in a male dominated society) honoring woman's history? Is this important?

Women's history is important and I'm happy to give whatever assistance I can from the sidelines as an interested and concerned third party, but as I am not (and never could be) a woman I don't believe it's appropriate to insert myself into the forefront of that battle. As a matter of fact, people of all genders have fought to give future generations the right to live in a better world, so I prefer to honour human history rather than concentrating on a single sex.

If being female isn't good enough for you, how is it good enough for me or anyone else?

It's not a question of what's 'good enough'; it's what's appropriate.

Being female is absolutely fantastic for people who are female, and more power to them. But for people who are not female, it can be highly inappropriate and very traumatic to be forced against your will to dress, behave and interact like something you're not.

How will you know when you have "become a man"? What does the finished stage of this transformation look like to you now? How are you different now, compared to your ideal?

I'll continue medically transitioning as much as possible until I run out of improvements, and then I'll have to accept that I have done the best I possibly can to be true to myself, and live my life accordingly. But as for my social transition, I believe that will be a life-long process. It has been so far.

[Adam (birkin)]

These are fair questions...they are all things I considered to myself before I transitioned.

Why is identifying with a certain gender in this binary world important enough to need and change it?

For me, it's not really an "identity." I actually, on a personal level, identify with women more often than men (generally speaking). But I'm not a woman. It's this pervasive sense I have always had that my body should be male. Not that I'd fit in better as a man, because I don't. I just remember as a kid, always thinking I'd grow up to have a man's body, and when I learned I wouldn't...I was pretty crushed. And I tried to adjust to having a female body, thinking something was wrong with me and that I should be able to be happy as a woman. Especially when I began taking women's studies...I questioned if this was all just in my head, if I was just subscribing to a binary.

I think a lot of the problem is the language we use to talk about transition. I find the word "identity" deeply problematic because identity, over time, shifts. For all of us. It's dependent on our social position, our shifting roles. My life has changed so much - how I feel about myself, how I relate to others. Being an adult versus a child. Having new responsibilities. Etc. Five years ago I was a new university student, fully immersed in a pink-collar job, struggling to come to terms with who I am. Now, I'm on my way to white-collar work, I'm accustomed to academic life, I'm more self-aware. I have different relationships and attitudes towards friends, family, and lovers. In many ways my identity has changed. But the feeling that my body should be male has never wavered. So I refuse to think that my transsexualism is in any way an "identity." it's not. It's permanent. It's life-long. It's not open to reinterpretation or adjustment like many other aspects of "who" I am as a person.

If one is a man in spirit to begin with, then how does taking hormones and having surgery make one more of a man? Why it is important?

It doesn't make me more of a man than I already was. But for me, I would have died if I hadn't taken hormones. If not from suicide, very young from destructive self-medication. Before testosterone, I had so many mood swings. I don't know why, but having an estrogen-based system wreaked havoc on me and I was always crying and upset. It sucked. I felt horrible and it made me emotionally dull. On T, I've come to feel a lot better emotionally. I still cry, and I'm actually more emotionally sensitive and empathetic than I was before. It opened me up to feel again, which goes way against the stereotypes. I also find a lot of comfort in looking down and seeing the features I know should have been there. Things other people don't see unless they're a partner. Like my hairy thighs. I see a guy's thighs. I see my thighs. Before hormones they were bare. Lol. Seeing female features was unfamiliar, I really did see a stranger in the mirror. Now, more and more, I see...me (15 months on T now).

Never being brought up as a man, and knowing that shaping manhood will be gained through practical experience, what is your concept of being a man? Theoretically what does it mean to be a man?

That goes back to the identity thing, almost. The whole notion that gender is a social construct. Gender roles are a social construct - the notion that men do this, women do this. Men feel this, women feel this. To me, being a man simply means I feel I should have been born in a male body. It doesn't mean anything in terms of what I do or what I like. It doesn't mean anything about how I was raised. Male and female roles vary based on culture, anyway - there is no universal "male" or universal "female." Looking at the next question, I will get more into how female socialization has affected me as a man.

How are you treated now interpersonally? How do you think or want to be treated differently and how would that ideally change? What is the difference between the two?

I've thought a lot about this, and honestly...not much differently. Seriously. There are only a few things I've noticed. I'm called "sir" instead of "ma'am" obviously. Guys are a bit more short with me actually. Not rude short, just...get business done and move on. When they saw me as female they were nicer, lol.

I'm not your typical guy, I know that. I'm quiet, I'm sensitive. Those are the only qualities I have that really establish me as "feminine" or having had female socialization. It's unusual for a guy, but not all men are the same. Heck, today I just met a guy as quiet and sensitive as I am. People look for stereotypes in men all the time, but the fact is, when you look against the grain, you see just how much variation there really is. Just as women have tons of variation. It's a blind spot in society, imo. I don't care if people judge me. I have tons of people who love me. Anyone who doesn't love me as I am will find out where to go and how to get there. I am secure in my knowledge that there are no "male" qualities or "female" qualities beyond how we feel in our bodies...there are only human qualities.

I like it this way. I don't think I should be treated any particular way based on whether people see male or female. To me, I only want to be seen as male because it confirms that my body is starting to match how I feel. When someone says "she"...well, what do they base that on? Seeing female sex characteristics. That, to me, is sort of a cruel reminder that I was born in a body that feels alien to me. That's all it means.

After all woman fought for to give future generations the right to live in a better world, how is becoming a man (in a male dominated society) honoring woman's history? Is this important?

Erm. Ha. Well, my undergrad degree was in women's studies if I haven't mentioned that already. The only response I have for this is, why should my body be a political tool for the women's movement? Most women who suffer under patriarchy do not seriously consider becoming men in body. Most women who feel bad about their image don't think "hey, I'll become a guy." They think "I wish I saw women who looked like me." Most women who want to be in a male-dominated profession don't think "gee, I should be a guy." They think "I want to see a woman who has accomplished what I wish to accomplish." I've seen strong women, who I respect greatly, but it wasn't about not feeling that my type of "woman" wasn't welcome in society. I know that were I female I could be a strong woman.

And what is "women's history"? The women's movement has historically been divided along race lines, class lines, sexuality lines. There is no one feminist movement. There are many, and they are in opposition. Are they dishonoring "women's history" by disgreeing? No, they simply want different things and see different problems in society. You have the feminists who want separatism, you have the feminists who are focussed on the public sphere (law, workplace, etc), you have the feminists who are focussed on the more private sphere (violence in the home, etc), you have women who are focussed on lesbian issues, women who care about religious issues, women on identity issues and the media...dare I go on? Lol. The women's movement is more divided than it is monolithic.

So, I'm not really dishonouring anything per se, as this "history" doesn't exist as a single identity. It's complex, and even if I were female, I'd be betraying one set of feminism or another.

If being female isn't good enough for you, how is it good enough for me or anyone else?

Believe me, I wish I were female. I'm not moving up in society by being a transgender man. Do you know how embarrassing it was to tell people "I'm transitioning from female to male, call me this name." Do you know how hurtful my family has been? Do you know how many strangers have asked me what I have in my pants, how I have sex? Do you know how mortified I will be if I ever have to tell a girl I want to date "btw, I have a vagina." Sometimes it breaks my heart that I couldn't be happy as a "lesbian." I wouldn't have had to deal with ANY of the crap I just listed here. Lol. OK, well I did get people asking rude questions when they thought I was a lesbian, like the whole "how do lesbians have sex" thing. But it doesn't have the "freak" element that trans does in their minds.

Being female is good enough for others because, I imagine, you're happy as a woman. I'm not saying that women don't have body image issues. Of course they do. Women are taught they have to be pretty enough,  that they have to reach an unrealistic standard of beauty. But, given the affirmation that it is OK to look different and one doesn't have to look like a Playboy bunny, or pander to the sexual desires of men, many women will come to love themselves. I truly did not give a crap if people thought I was an ugly woman. And with sexism, well, same sort of thing. I saw many women develop in my undergrad program. Being in women's studies freed them. They stopped believing there was something wrong with them or that they were inferior to men. They were happy to be the women they were. But that's because they were happy in a female body, even if they felt insecure at times. They believed they were inherently worthy, even if society sometimes told them otherwise. I don't believe being female is in any way inferior to being male. I just don't feel I should have been born one.

And let me tell you...I have always had the most stubborn streak you can imagine. I wouldn't become male simply because society told me being female was inferior. When it comes to my principles, I won't break - and I am firmly entrenched in the notion that women are in every way equal to men. I am firmly against all gender roles and stereotypes. So if I believed myself to be in any way a woman, I'd be a woman, no matter what society told me. And I put my ass on the line regularly talking about women's issues, being a man has not changed any of that.

How will you know when you have "become a man"? What does the finished stage of this transformation look like to you now? How are you different now, compared to your ideal?

I already am one. The surgeries that are coming up aren't going to make me any more of a man. I'm not "becoming a man." I'm just making myself more comfortable. My attitude has always been that the only thing changing are my sex characteristics. Nothing else. So my ideal would be...no more boobs and a penis at this point, as my body is pretty much T-saturated lol. I get very skeptical when people think hormones or surgeries will change them as a person. When people say they suddenly experience the world differently...yeah, that hasn't happened to me and I believe these people may have other stuff going on. Maybe I was just less repressed pre-transition than they were, or maybe they are fulfilling their own prophecies by becoming what they think they should be. I entered transition with zero pretense.

Just the other day I was watching some videos of me pre-transition. My personality is exactly the same, my appearance is just different. It's weird...my words, my laugh, my jokes are being spoken in this much higher voice. I see a woman's face and body, but the identical personality...it's like a female clone of me at this point lol. My brother, friends, etc, they all see those vids and think "I know that's you but...omg that voice." "I recognize the laugh, but it's a higher pitch."

I remember once, my mom said, with the intention to insult me "So what, you transition to a man and you just cry in a deeper voice?" But that's the honest truth. I'm the exact same human being I have always been. The same things make me laugh, the same things make me cry, I love the same way, I think the same way. I just have a deeper voice, a hairier body, and one day, no more boobs and vagina. That's all it is to me and I have never felt more comfortable.

This was long but I really hope it helps! I tried to get into a lot of detail to hopefully illuminate some of these nuances for you.

[Adam (birkin)]

BTW, I can understand why you are asking these questions. I find the trans community uses very troubling language to describe transsexualism. I don't believe the current representations are at all accurate. Even I think, in my own account that I just posted, I rely on some of the problematic terminology that is used. It's hard to put this sort of experience into words that actually describe it adequately.

I think that as confusing as this may be for cis people, it's also confusing for trans people when we try to put it into words. I know what I feel in my body and my heart, and I've certainly analyzed it from a number of angles to understand why something like this would happen to me, but describing it to someone else...I always think "my words just don't capture this at all."

[StellaB]

-Why is identifying with a certain gender in this binary world important enough to need and change it?

The two most important questions in life which all of us need to have the answers for is (1) 'What do you know?' and (2) 'What can you do?'

You cannot get through life without being part of society or interacting with others and none of us here have what it takes to redefine gender or change the common consensus view on gender found within a culture.

What it boils down to is that none of us can change the world or change society without first changing within ourselves. People expect you to be able to function on some level and they expect authenticity from you as a person.

It is possible to cope with life whilst having gender dysphoria, some cope better than others, but then it comes down to the bottom line - why are we living anyway? Isn't it important to be yourself and to be able to express who you are deep inside openly and honestly with others?

Gender dysphoria is the hindrance the cisgendered don't experience and removing this hindrance is a key to leading a life which is fulfilling and meaningful.

-If one is a man in spirit to begin with, then how does taking hormones and having surgery make one more of a man? Why it is important?

But this is it.. if you are trans whether it be female or male no amount of hormones or surgery is ever going to make you any more male (or female) as that is already fixed and hardwired in your brain.

But being cisgendered you enjoy a certain congruence between your mind, soul and body - it's all unified, as one, whereas it isn't when you are transgendered. Physical characteristics and our appearance is important to us, even if we don't judge people by appearance, we still discriminate in terms of what we can see and this is a normal social process. This is what makes becoming more outwardly or physically closer to your acquired gender necessary.

-Never being brought up as a man, and knowing that shaping manhood will be gained through practical experience, what is your concept of being a man? Theoretically what does it mean to be a man?

I'm sorry but I don't think I can answer this in terms of my own personal experience. However personally I just see humans, individual human beings, and I feel that gender identity and expression is also individual.

-How are you treated now interpersonally? How do you think or want to be treated differently and how would that ideally change? What is the difference between the two?

Prior to transitioning I felt that I was living a lie, pretending, having to keep secrets, having to deceive and pretend just to have the same degree of social acceptance as everyone else. It was an illusion.

Now as I'm full time it's much better because people relate to me - the whole, complete person, inside and out. I can be honest with people, there's no deception, pretence, dishonesty, and no guilt or shame as a result.

Of course not everybody accepts me as me, but then again not everybody liked me prior to my transition, so it's no great loss and I don't miss or shed any tears for the people who rejected me for being myself. Life is too short for that.

-After all woman fought for to give future generations the right to live in a better world, how is becoming a man (in a male dominated society) honoring woman's history? Is this important?

I don't really want to answer this as my own personal views probably aren't that relevant.

-If being female isn't good enough for you, how is it good enough for me or anyone else?

Where do you get this idea that someone's gender identity boils down to quality? Do you feel that there's some degree of choice here?

Also why do you think that someone's need not to live in a particular gender role or be identified as such is a statement on their perception of an entire gender?

Have you ever considered that they might be feeling stifled, frustrated, and be unable to properly function as a female? Has it occurred to you that being female might not suit them personally and individually?

-How will you know when you have "become a man"? What does the finished stage of this transformation look like to you now? How are you different now, compared to your ideal?

I'm not FtM and it's a complete different process so I will leave this to those far more qualified to reply.

I hope this helps.

[aleon515]

I think your questions are completely appropriate. I think it is understandable to feel confusion and frustration. There is a very cool youtube channel called TMates. It is the spouses and partners of mostly transguys.

-Why is identifying with a certain gender in this binary world important enough to need and change it?

>Well because it IS a binary world. You actually answered this question. But beyond that most of us have dysphoria with the body we are in. There is a mismatch.

-If one is a man in spirit to begin with, then how does taking hormones and having surgery make one more of a man? Why it is important?

>I've found the hormones make you more comfortable in your own skin. You also look more like you feel on the inside.

-Never being brought up as a man, and knowing that shaping manhood will be gained through practical experience, what is your concept of being a man? Theoretically what does it mean to be a man?

>hmm... Not sure. Nor am I sure it matters theoretically.

-How are you treated now interpersonally? How do you think or want to be treated differently and how would that ideally change? What is the difference between the two?

>I think I want to be treated more like how I feel, but as for exactly how you are treated I don't know when one actually passes as I don't pass yet, for the most part.

-After all woman fought for to give future generations the right to live in a better world, how is becoming a man (in a male dominated society) honoring woman's history? Is this important?

> It's irrelevant. There is nothing about the women's movement that has to do with how I feel inside. I will always be a feminist, but I am going to have to be one from "the other side" because I am a guy.

-If being female isn't good enough for you, how is it good enough for me or anyone else?

>I'm not better than a female, I'm not a female. It has nothing to do with being better than someone else.

-How will you know when you have "become a man"? What does the finished stage of this transformation look like to you now? How are you different now, compared to your ideal?

>Well I think being "a man" might be different than being male. I am a guy, but you grow into being a man.
I think some people will disagree with that whole thing.

Thank you. Any response would be helpful.


--Jay

[zombieinc]

-Why is identifying with a certain gender in this binary world important enough to need and change it?

I liken the importance to wearing a pair of ill-fitting shoes. Sure, I could keep wearing shoes that are way too small or way too big if I had to...but why should I when I could get a more comfortable pair of shoes that fit? The ill-fitting shoes are my female body and being seen as a woman. The shoes that fit, my truly masculine self.

-If one is a man in spirit to begin with, then how does taking hormones and having surgery make one more of a man? Why it is important?

Taking hormones and having surgeries are things that some guys choose to do in order to be seen as men. It's all fine and good to be a guy inside, but it's no use when you're the only one that can see it. Sometimes you just want people to know the real you and you want to be able to be yourself instead of living in a shell.

-Never being brought up as a man, and knowing that shaping manhood will be gained through practical experience, what is your concept of being a man? Theoretically what does it mean to be a man?

What does it mean to be a woman? Native American? Overweight? A college graduate? A diabetic? A Christian? All of these things apply to me, but I choose not to focus on any of them when I attempt to define myself. People are personalities and hearts; neither of those things are tied directly to your gender.

As far as my concept of being a man, I look for solid male role models, guys who I'd like to emulate. And I seek God, because I believe in God. In a way, I am shaping my own manhood instead of having to take whatever comes along during my formative years and making that the basis of manhood, like many boys do.

-How are you treated now interpersonally? How do you think or want to be treated differently and how would that ideally change? What is the difference between the two?

I think that it is difficult to answer this question, because it will be different for everyone in their transition. Some will pass right away and be treated like guys from the get-go, some will struggle and eventually be accepted and others might never get to their ideal. Most guys transition so that they will be viewed as their truly male selves by the world, instead of being seen as a woman or a butch woman or a genderfree outlier. We all want to be accepted and respected for who we are and the general hope that most of us have when we transition is that we will finally be accepted and respected as the men (or women, for the mtfs) that we truly are.

-After all woman fought for to give future generations the right to live in a better world, how is becoming a man (in a male dominated society) honoring woman's history? Is this important?

Nope. Not really that important. Besides, I think that I've honored women's history enough by unwillingly living as a woman for most of my life. Can I collect my award and get my commemorative plaque placed on the Women's History Wall now? 

-If being female isn't good enough for you, how is it good enough for me or anyone else?

Whoa. If you are ok with being a woman, then being a woman is good enough for you. That's great. I'm jazzed for you. I don't feel that way. I've never liked being seen as a woman, I don't see myself as a woman, and sometimes it kills me to be seen as one...so being a woman isn't "good enough" for me in the sense that my basic needs of identity, relationships, positive body image, and the like aren't being met while I live as a woman.

-How will you know when you have "become a man"? What does the finished stage of this transformation look like to you now? How are you different now, compared to your ideal?

Becoming a man to me is a combination of things. Some of it is physical. Some of it is mental. Some it is spiritual. Some of it is social.

Physically, I want to continue to lose weight and get into better shape. I want to continue to develop a more masculine physique. Some day, I want to start taking T, if I am medically cleared to do so. I am also planning on having top surgery and possibly a hysto if I am medically cleared to that as well.

Mentally, I want to take on male roles in society. I want to be seen as a man. I want to have relationships as a man. I need to able to think of myself as male without getting mind-freaked every time I look in the mirror, go to the bathroom, go for a jog or lift heavy at the gym.

Spiritually, I need to be honest with myself, others and God in my daily life. I have lied to everyone, all of the time, for years and it has taken a toll on me and those around me. The only way that I can be truly honest is by transitioning to become a man and to live the rest of my life as a man, fulfilling male roles and being seen and treated as the man that I am by society at large.

Socially, I have a strong desire to be myself, to have authentic relationships with people. This ties into my spiritual need to be honest. Living a lie makes it difficult to be honest. I have denied myself relationships because I don't like myself, I'm uncomfortable around others because I'm self-conscious and unhappy, etc. Transitioning and having my body match my mind and heart will help to ease this discomfort and enable me to be more open and honest with others.

That's it in a nutshell. I'm just starting my transition process, so my experiences are a bit limited.

[Lo]

I'm nonbinary transgender, and not quite transsexual (it's complicated) so I can only really answer from my POV and what I know of others' stories.

-Why is identifying with a certain gender in this binary world important enough to need and change it?
Weak analogy, but think of it like a career-- imagine you have been doing something your whole life, ever since you could remember, and was greatly fulfilled by it. If you could turn this thing into a lifelong career, you would. Doing anything else would be incongruent with who you really were on the inside and would not serve your goals and desires. And I'm sure many cis people can identify with working a dead-end job that makes them absolutely miserable.

-If one is a man in spirit to begin with, then how does taking hormones and having surgery make one more of a man? Why it is important?
Lots of trans men never get surgery, and some of them even chose to not go on hormones. But just like the rest of the population, all trans people, and trans men, are different, and express their masculinity differently. Some trans men don't need or want penises, but some of them do in order to feel whole and healthy and more like who they really are on the inside.

-Never being brought up as a man, and knowing that shaping manhood will be gained through practical experience, what is your concept of being a man? Theoretically what does it mean to be a man?
I'm not a man, so I can't answer this, suffice to say that men are the only ones who can really define what being a man means.

-How are you treated now interpersonally? How do you think or want to be treated differently and how would that ideally change? What is the difference between the two?
I can answer this from an FtN perspective... I'm treated OK right now, though gendered spaces make me nervous and uncomfortable. Narratives concerning femininity and "womanness" are alien to me. I see the world differently than most women I know, and my inner reality is not currently being recognized. Ideally, all parts of me could be acknowledged by those who are close enough. My asexuality, my ambivalence toward my secondary sex characteristics, my disconnect from my own genitalia. It would be nice to not be assumed to have one kind of perspective and way of thinking based on my body.

-After all woman fought for to give future generations the right to live in a better world, how is becoming a man (in a male dominated society) honoring woman's history? Is this important?
This question is only valid if you view being transgender being a choice that we make at some point in our lives, and this is just patently untrue. We are born this way. Denying who we are for the sake of the comfort of society around us would be a far greater injustice to the hard-earned successes of feminism than not.

-If being female isn't good enough for you, how is it good enough for me or anyone else?
Again, this question only makes sense if you view being TG as a choice, a conscious rejection of something we fundamentally are. And that's just not true. Trans men and people like me are fundamentally not women. We are not moving up or down a ladder, we are manifesting an internal reality so we don't have to live a lie. And I would hope that we're all better than living lies.

-How will you know when you have "become a man"? What does the finished stage of this transformation look like to you now? How are you different now, compared to your ideal?
Again, not a man, but my feeling is that "becoming" is a finality that most transitioning TGs can only guess at until the moment it's been reached. For others, it's a constant state of self-discovery that never quite ends. For me, part of my nongendered ideal involves surgical sterility and the minimizing of secondary sex characteristics to the best of my non-surgical ability. My ideal is bodily inertness, something visibly "other". Definitely not a sentiment shared by many binary TGs, I should add.

[Silvermist]

My answers will be long, so I'll put them into separate posts.

-Why is identifying with a certain gender in this binary world important enough to need and change it?

I agree with you in that the world should not be so binary (in terms of gender and other things). But even in a non-binary world, I would still be transsexual and would still transition. Even though I now prefer to think of myself as androgyne rather than strictly MTF, the decision to transition has been the best decision in my entire life. For me, being transgender and transitioning is not about becoming a member of the opposite side of the binary. It is about being at peace with my body and feeling comfortable enough to express myself in a way that is true to myself.

As far as "identifying" goes, that is a different issue. Every person has different kinds of peers, and having peers is important for social functioning, which is fundamental to psychological well-being. You can have peers who are your co-workers, or your schoolmates/classmates, or your neighbors, or people in your age group, or organization, or city/state/country, whatever. You recognize the things that you have in common based on those criteria, and you relate to people in certain ways based on that.

One major aspect of identification is ethnic/racial identity. Let's say that you're black. Even if you live in a totally "colorblind" society, being black will still be an important part of your identity because of the culture and history of black people. That is something to which non-black people could never relate in the same way. Therefore, you (as a black person) would not relate to non-black people in the same way as you would relate to black people. That is a good thing because having many different kinds of peer groups is a good thing. It allows you to feel like you "belong" in many different ways.

The same applies to gender. One of the things that I considered before deciding to transition was the fact that I identify with women more than I identify with men. While I was content to have both male friends and female friends, I did not want to be seen and treated as a man. I did not want to continue engaging with the world as a man. It just didn't make sense to me. No man, not even an effeminate gay man, can ever truly be "one of the girls." Likewise, no woman, not even a butch lesbian, can ever truly be "one of the guys." It's like how a white person can never be accepted as a member of the black community, no matter what.

But unlike the race issue, transgender people can modify their bodies to become accepted as a member of the gender with whom they identify. And unlike race, which is just a matter of external appearance, trans people feel deeply that there is something different about themselves; it is rooted in neurology. No white person could say that she/he feels or "knows" deep down that she/he is really black, not white. Therefore, transitioning is not equivalent to a white person wanting to change her/his race.

Speaking only for myself (though I know that many/most trans people have had a similar experience), I could never accept what I saw in the mirror prior to my transition. Unlike many, I didn't realize that I'm transgender until two years ago, when I was 24. Before that, I could not explain why I didn't like looking in the mirror. It's a phenomenon that is very hard for cisgender people to understand because it's completely different from any reason that a cisgender person would have for hating mirrors. It was not disgust with my appearance; it was an inexplicable sense of "That is not me." No matter how much I looked in the mirror, I did not recognize the reflection.

Sometime after I started my transition, I looked in the mirror again and finally accepted what I saw (and even liked it), because I could see the image of a female, not the male that I used to see. From that point forward, I realized huge improvements in my confidence and self-esteem. I used to be very shy and socially awkward and self-conscious and afraid of others' judgments. I still am to a degree, but much less so than before the transition. On the other hand, if you have an eating disorder or body dysmorphia, you will never be satisfied in the same way with your reflection in the mirror, because it's rooted in something completely different. Unlike your case, mine was not a matter of a negative, distorted body image. For you (or others like you), it's not about believing that you're something else; it's about hating what you are, and nothing that you do to your body will make you stop hating.

[Silvermist]

-If one is a man in spirit to begin with, then how does taking hormones and having surgery make one more of a man? Why it is important?

To say that being male or female has nothing to do with biology and anatomy is nonsensical. At the most basic level, having a vagina or penis has profound psychological, social, and practical implications. You can pretend that your body has nothing to do with your personality, how you express yourself, how you see yourself, how you interact with people, how you go about your daily life, etc., but that would be a futile effort. Let's start with the fact that, generally speaking, XX women can bear children while XY men can't. Do you honestly think that this fact does not affect men and women psychologically, socially, practically? What about a person who becomes sterile? That has no effect?

The whole "more of a man," "less of a man," "more of a woman," "less of a woman" business is just a huge red herring. The concept of a measure of a person's masculinity or femininity is rooted in guilt and shame and insecurity, nothing more. That is entirely different from dealing with the reality of having a male body or a female body. If you have a female body with breasts of any significant size, that is going to have major psychological, social, and practical implications. Having those breasts are a constant reminder that you have a female body, which would be very hard to accept if you are a trans man.

The other major part of this is the hormone issue. It's not about body shape or external appearance. Hormones obviously have huge effects on a person's emotions and physical capabilities. Thanks to estrogen, I am more emotional; to be more precise, I am more in touch with my emotions. I LOVE it. Guys, with their testosterone, have different emotional experiences. That's not what I want, but I don't identify as a guy anymore. Clearly, it feels right for trans men. Also, if you want to have a big bodybuilder's physique and a low, masculine voice, it is impossible without testosterone. Obviously, not all guys (or trans guys) want that, but those who do have no choice but to have testosterone in their bodies in order to express/present themselves in the way that they want.

[AdamMLP]

First of all I wish you all the best for you and your husband.  Remember that this is just as much a transition for you as it is for him.

-Why is identifying with a certain gender in this binary world important enough to need and change it?
Maybe because it's binary there's more pressure on fitting into the part of the binary that you are.  If more people saw gender was a spectrum the it would be easier for people to inhabit those places in the middle of male and female without all out transitioning to match the one which suited them better.  I didn't consider the binary when I realised I was trans and what I needed to do to fix it was to transition, to be frankly honest I'd never heard of the phrase.  I'm not saying I was jumping to conclusions or making a decision too quickly, I'd just not delved deep enough to this whole thing and culture before realising "Oh poo, I'm a man."

-If one is a man in spirit to begin with, then how does taking hormones and having surgery make one more of a man? Why it is important?
It doesn't make anyone "more of a man" except to visually make them more like cis men.  It's important to us because of dysphoria.  At the end of the day that's the goal for going on T and having surgeries, to reduce both physical and social dysphoria.  For people who are lucky enough to feel like they can cope with the dysphoria without it then they don't always go for surgeries and T, unless there are other reasons, such as binding becoming too painful.

Think about it this way, if there was something you could do or take which would make you feel more comfortable with your body and hopefully reduce your chances of falling back into an unhealthy relationship with food would you go for it?  Probably.  That's the same for us.  It won't cure everything, but it might help, and that's enough when you've got to ask yourself if it would be best to tell your girlfriend to come around in 15 minutes time to make sure you get in and out of the shower without paying attention to things too much.

-Never being brought up as a man, and knowing that shaping manhood will be gained through practical experience, what is your concept of being a man? Theoretically what does it mean to be a man?
I don't think I behave any different to men as a general group of people.  Not that it's really possible to classify what makes a man by their actions.  I've always acted what would be classed as "manly", and men treat me as a man when they get to know me as more than just a birth name and an "F".

-How are you treated now interpersonally? How do you think or want to be treated differently and how would that ideally change? What is the difference between the two?
I don't really know.  It's been quite a while since I haven't passed.  I can't really put my finger on the last time.  When people read me as male then they generally say "mate" more often which is nice, and are cruder, but that's the only thing I can put my finger on.  With women it's harder to tell if they are reading me as male or female, because they say "sweetie" and things like that for both other women or young boys (which is what I look like).  I'd like that to change, but it's a female thing rather than something based on me.

-After all woman fought for to give future generations the right to live in a better world, how is becoming a man (in a male dominated society) honoring woman's history? Is this important?
If it was that important and people transitioned solely to become more dominant then there would be no trans women around, which there are.  On this site there are actually way more trans women than there are trans men (in a recent thread one of the moderators quoted a 109.5:1 female:male ratio).  And by transitioning to male I'm not automatically forgetting what women have been through to get the rights that they have now, and not forgetting that in some cases and parts of the world those rights are still lesser than those of men.  When I am old enough I will always bother to go to the polling station and vote in elections, even if it's just to turn up and spoil my vote because of the struggle for women's suffrage.  I may not identify as a woman, but little over a hundred years ago I wouldn't have the vote or the chance to get it either, and that can't be forgotten.  Their history is intertwined with ours, and we need to remember that, but respect that it is still women's history and not ours, just related.

By transitioning we're not running away from being female and aiming to take dominance.  If anything we might be able to help the women's rights movements by being able to sympathise with some of their struggles from our previous time being shoved into the female box.  And again, we're not doing this to gain dominance.  Some people who transition might do it for that reason but they're a-holes and aren't really trans (that's another topic though).

-If being female isn't good enough for you, how is it good enough for me or anyone else?
I would love to be female.  I would love to not go through this experience of dysphoria, being potentially outcasted, fighting with governments to be recognised, and long process of convincing people that you are who you say you are.  Fortunately I'm in the UK where we have the NHS so paying out shedloads of money isn't thrown into that mix.  However, I can't force myself to be female when I'm not.  I don't think that females are any less than men, and I'm not going to transition to be "better" than females, because I'm not and I won't ever be.  You be your own person, I'll be mine, and we'll all be good enough for ourselves.

-How will you know when you have "become a man"? What does the finished stage of this transformation look like to you now? How are you different now, compared to your ideal?
I am already a man.  I've always been a man.  Physicals don't come into that.

My ideal would be to have a male body, and male chromosomes and to never have had this problem.  My ideal would be to be taller, have less hips, have facial and body hair, a deep voice, male body fat distribution, larger hands, no chest, have a dick, none of that week... the list goes on and on.  Basically I want all of the secondary sex characteristics; I want a male body.  Will I ever achieve the body of a cis male?  No.  Will I get close to that?  Yes.