Question for those on HRT

[franie]

Carrie, All of the other posts have given good advice. I was in my early 50's when I started on HRT. I am now almost 70 and all though I have not fully transitioned, my physical  changes are very noticeable, there no going back for me.

I wish you the very best. 

[Gina_Z]

Is everyone not understanding the question?

Did he not ask, how he could stay as a man but take HRT to feel better in himself?

If I'm understanding his question right, won't HRT give him changes he would not want, like slight breast growth?

I don't think that question can be answered definitively, because people have such individual reactions to HRT. Some report extreme physical changes with only slight mental changes and vice versa. In many ways very unpredictable.

[franie]

Gina, That is what I was trying say,and just what is a low dose for one person may not be the same for someone else. There will be some physical changes, only time will tell how much  and they are not reservable  .

[bethanyjadefowell]

That is what I meant. One you get changes (that people can see), you can't always get rid of them, even by stopping HRT.

Can I ask, if you take HRT and it makes you feel better in yourself, then stop HRT (because you get changes people can see), do the 'better feelings' you have go away over time? And if so, would you then not be back to where you were, before HRT? 

[carrie359]

I have to admit in the end I may have to go all the way in transition.. for me it could be a life and death decision that I am fighting hard.
Carrie

[carrie359]

And Really the changes are what I want.. I am just trying to survive and make it..... My dysphoria is absolutely kicking my butt now.. I work out two hours a day just trying to get ready for transition.. at the same time saying I want to try not to do it..
I am at the end of my rope now...
I had to go back to my bag of tricks to cope.. which means spending a lot of money on something I don't need.. but that diversion will buy me at least 6 months..
Without it I would be all in on HRT end of this month.. and only low dose initially.. after 6 months if I feel ok would go full out.. Its such a big decision I need some time.. to think more.
Carrie

[Sammy]

Carrie, we both know that You are just delaying the unavoidable. When it came all over me, I had a lot of coping mechanisms and they all came down, pretty fast, one after another. And nothing else seemed to work, or at least for a long-term.

[carrie359]

Emily,
Yes exactly where i am.....

[JaneNicole2013]

I have to admit in the end I may have to go all the way in transition.. for me it could be a life and death decision that I am fighting hard.
Carrie

I totally know why you mean. I started HRT four weeks ago today and there are times I sit and think "What the hell am I doing?" A few days I've skipped my meds in the morning but have taken them by the end of the day. For me, it's not necessarily what I want to do as much as what I have to do in order to live a happy and fulfilling life. Like you, I have a good life now. Not married, but I have four kids (24, 22, 20, and 14) all of whom I'm close with. I wonder how my youngest son (14) will react and even my older son. How will their friends react? What happens when I start having grandkids? Worse case scenario I lost all of that--not to mention the job I really like.

Fortunately, I have a strong support network. If you don't have one, get one! I am out to several friends (no family yet) who are very supportive, my g/f, and some in her family, who are also very supportive.

Still, it's a tough decision, I know--we all know. The good news is that if you start a low dose, you can try it on for size and see if it's for you. If not, you can walk away. But my counselor told me that most everyone who does that comes back. That actually tells me a lot.

Good luck...weight your choices carefully, build your support network, and take it from there...

Jane

[vlmitchell]

For me, the mental changes were too pronounced and far too positivie to ever contemplate stopping HRT. The few times that I have made the mistake of skipping my dose for more than one day, the anxiety, uncomfortable feelings, and irratability came back immediately.

[Robin Mack]

...
but still... I get those moments "What the hell am I doing??? How this all is going to end? Will those close to me be alright? Will I be alright?" I wish I had answers to those questions...

Having gotten through a number of traumatic events in the past (not transition related, well, at least not at first glance) I can tell you with some confidence that you and yours have the capacity to be alright.  Any lingering not-alrightness will be, eventually, unrelated to the traumatic event (some people just can't understand they have a right to be happy, including me once upon a time, and they will never *be* alright until they learn that it's OK for them to be alright, too).

<segue to tie into OP>

I broke up the only home my older (step) daughters knew when I divorced their mother.  I agonized over the necessity, nearly destroyed myself with guilt, beating myself up over not being strong enough to stand up to the abuse and preserve the home.  When it was all said and done, though, sure we all hurt, but we're OK.  Transitioning is just another one of those things.  You could be hit by a bus tomorrow, or succumb to some terrible illness.  Either of those would be far more tragic and disruptive to loved ones than a transition.  Kids *are* resilient.  So are grownups; we have to be.  If you need to transition in order to live, or at least live a fulfilling and worthwhile life, DO IT!  We owe it to our loved ones to live and grow and be happy... if we don't, how will they ever learn to accept themselves? 

When I came out to my daughter, that's one of the things I mentioned.  I had always told her to be true to herself, but I hadn't been true to myself.  Here's me, taking a huge step (and a scary one) to present myself as the person *I* am inside.  If I can do this, and she can be with me through this, then surely being her goofy, highly intelligent and very talented self at school will be easier.  We can do this.

Hugs to all!

-Robin

[Violet Bloom]

...I get those moments "What the hell am I doing??? How this all is going to end? Will those close to me be alright? Will I be alright?" I wish I had answers to those questions...

I kinda feel this way right now after the last laser session on my face.  They ramped it up higher than ever this time and my face has looked almost like acne for days.  It's tough keeping in mind it will be better soon but it reminded me that I haven't started electrolysis yet and that will be another nasty marathon complete with having to grow out my beard over and over again for the proceedure.  I'm sort of drifting in a middle-ground with no solid identity waiting for all of this madness to come to an end.  I'm really not ready to be a full-time woman in mind or in presentation until my face is no-longer a cyclical wreck.

[carrie359]

I keep trying to tell myself this is not real..the dysphoria then keeps pounding my thoughts..
I am very unhappy.. I can't even at this point care about my kids..that are grown let alone grand kids. I am very self centered right now. I still have thoughts of suicide when I think I can't transition for whatever reason..
I think I am getting pretty depressed.. even though I am still working out every day and trying to get to girl weight.. which is my mission.
This body and life I have is a prison and I want out.  I have never been one to be depressed..and here I am and I totally understand why the suicide rate can be so high.. sometimes I just want to go to sleep. I asked god to cure me and make me a girl when I was little.. and now I have asked god to just take me and end the pain.
Such prayers seem so futile...
I told my wife If I fight it off and die an old man I want the kids to know one day that I did it for the family.. She said "no" she would not want them to remember me that way.
You talk about cutting like a knife into my soul.. If I were strong enough to fight this off and die unhappy then for her to seem ashamed of that... well it really pissed me off.  I am getting to the point that I really don't care about anything right now and that scares me.
I think HRT is my only hope....because I am at the end of my rope..
Carrie

[Robin Mack]

...
Such prayers seem so futile...
I told my wife If I fight it off and die an old man I want the kids to know one day that I did it for the family.. She said "no" she would not want them to remember me that way.
You talk about cutting like a knife into my soul.. If I were strong enough to fight this off and die unhappy then for her to seem ashamed of that... well it really pissed me off.  I am getting to the point that I really don't care about anything right now and that scares me.
I think HRT is my only hope....because I am at the end of my rope..
Carrie

This is why there are protocols and world-standard practices for helping transgendered people... it's because this stuff is deadly serious.  Please call your therapist or get help whenever things seem too crushing.  HRT alone will not be the complete answer, I'm afraid, but it *is* a step along the way.  Work with your therapist to help shore *you* up.  So many of us have lived in a way that is *not* authentic for so long.  Often it isn't until we reach a crisis point that we can reflect and truly understand what it is we need to do.

Remember, if you lose your wife but gain *yourself* you are still ahead of the game.  She can't keep the kids away from you, legally, unless you are a legitimate danger to them, and trans status is *NOT* considered a legitimate danger.

*hug*  You are taking the first steps... things are likely to get worse before they get better... just hang on and *know* that they *will* get better!

Feel free to PM me if you need to talk to someone... I am not full-time, have not started HRT yet, but I *have* survived some pretty horrible things that I really thought would kill me, once upon a time.

It's not easy, but being true to yourself and investing in your happiness and well-being down the road is *so* worth it.

*hug*

[carrie359]

Thanks Robin,
I hope there is hope in the end..

[Violet Bloom]

  HRT will likely help you but beware that it's not a fix-all particularly for emotional troubles.  My doctor described it like putting a 'polish' on your state of mind rather than it being a major overhaul.  They normally won't precribe it until all personal issues are reasonably resolved through other therapy or personal closure.  They said that most of the time when people on HRT experience major mood problems it is because these problems were already there for one reason or another.  You may end up feeling better in some ways but more unstable in others.  Also a lot of people become severely depressed when they find that HRT produces inadequate physical changes in their own body.

  My own personal emotional challenge that I knew I had to face head-on before starting HRT was coming out to my mother and earning her acceptance and consent.  Most of my anxiety and related symptoms cleared after I worked up the courage to do that.  Many months later I finally cleared a waiting list for a doctor and completed the assessment process for HRT approval, which I have now been on for about a month.  I went into HRT feeling more positive, relaxed and grounded than I had pretty much ever in my life because I had self-diagnosed and worked through my own personal emotional hurdle first.

[DrBobbi]

Zoey,
I think in my case that would be true.. my wife loves me.. and I think a slow change she would become accepting.. not sure but its possible. 
I have decided to put on hold the HRT.. go ahead and get my letter and be ready but just wait..
I am going to try some competitive aerobatics and dive into that and see if the diversion works.. I know it won't but will be fun to try.
Carrie

Be safe up there. The closest to aerobatics I've done in the EC145 is a 110 degree ag-turn. I've seen the Dutch roll there EC135's.

[DrBobbi]

If this is true, how does the brain stay stable within the skull? Bone doesn't reduce...just curious, maybe I'm misunderstanding something.

"I don't just have a screw loose, the entire brain assembly is clunking about inside!"

10% reduction in total volume isn't significant. The brain is still shrouded in two net like membranes called the meninges-Pia and Dura matter that's cushioned by the Arachnoid. What's more, the feminized brain is a wonder to behold. So much more going on than in the two-piece puzzle male brain (Sex and aggression). Ugh, I hate testosterone poisoning.

[carrie359]

Be safe up there. The closest to aerobatics I've done in the EC145 is a 110 degree ag-turn. I've seen the Dutch roll there EC135's.

Zoey,
I will be careful ... I must brag that an Retired Air Force guy that trained me said I was the best seat of the pants pilot he ever flew with... so I just become part of the bird.. As long at the plane stays together I am good. I do most practice at an altitude that would allow me to use my parachute.. should a failure occur
Carrie

[carrie359]

Carrie,

I thought that You already reached the stage when You are clearly aware that everything else will just prolong the agony. I feel like we both are somehow the same, though we are different persons from different parts of the world and ages, but we both went deep into denial mode (which was fun at times, I would be lying if I deny that) and we both sort of failed. Well, I failed, but You keep struggling. Is there a hope at end of this struggle and is that hope the one that You need? Me too, I could have continued with my hobbies, and maybe tried something new - I always wanted to try parachuting and diving, but somehow never had enough time/resources for that. But what made to stop was when I looked back and realised that all those activities, toys and events - they just served as a distraction for my mind and that I essentially had wasted two decades of my life. On that day, I was looking in the mirror and finally allowed my "other" self to see her - even if she was only a look in my eyes, an airy and disappearing hint of softness, which changed my face entirely for a split second - but that was enough for me to see that she is still there and she is not going to leave. And I just did not have more guts to try to kill her again - because that is what I had been doing all that time. She had survived, she was destined to come out and it was someone else's turn to go away for this time. The moment of truth. I know that You know that afterwards life will not be all roses and pink and whatnot, but at least will become easier in many ways - it will become more open, honest and You will become a much more better person than You were before .

So true..  and I hate feeling so female inside and not acting on it.. I did paint my toes today.. socks hide them.. and if I forget and my wife see's them so what... she knows..  so I am making small steps..
I am a mess..
Carrie