Hard question to ask yourself

[K.Lina]

Hello everyone. First I would like to introduce myself to you all. I am 22 years old student from Czech Republic. I guess you don't have much of those here. Please try to apologize my bad English. If anyone from my country is registered here please contact me. I am Currently male even thou I don't feel like one. I read about problems most people here have to face everyday. I have to say that I am deeply touched and envy you your courage.

Well lets hit it off shall we? I think I might have gender dysphoria MTF. It is really disturbing thought but as it was said before idea is most resilient parasite. I guess I kind of always had these issues. As a kid I played with mostly with girls. I also tend to make friends between girls easier than boys. I don't like sports too much. I only pretended liking for example soccer. Only exception is tennis which I like to play. In school I was easy picking because I have small stature. I started liking female clothes. One of my female friends even dressed me up once for masquerade ball. I kind of enjoyed it but managed not to let anything show. Than I started dressing in secret not for excitement but it kind of felt good while dressed it felt (natural). It was only few years back that I realized something is horribly wrong. My first reaction was why me?! Then I studied what I could about it which disturbed me further. View of life without friends family and prospect of being laughed at and discriminated for rest of my life is scary. My country is... How to put it lightly. Stuck in its ways. Not legislative nor psychologist or doctors but normal everyday people are not aware of this problem and most of them is downright scared of people like us. I was pleasantly surprised that country I live in has such perfect health policy that everything is covered in health insurance. I also have really good specialist near my city that I could go to. Only real problem withstands when I try to think about what to do. I wonder what is better. To go first to psychologist to confirm my fears which I know are real or to tell my family. I fear of what they will think of me and how much this could hurt them. I cant put a finger on it I just feel it. It isn't anything logical. It really is highly illogical to do this it might doom me for life. On other side I cant live a lie. I lived in lie and in denial for so long now that I developed an aura of deception around me and learned to lie really excellently. Even my memory gotten better from that. I think it would be safest to start with my mother. She seems open minded and cares lot for me. I tried to tell her once but I got scared and backed away from it but before I managed to get at least part of my answer. Some time back I was in hospital and almost died. That was point when I decided that I have to act and life is short. When I asked her why was she so upset when I was in hospital. I used fact that I am old enough to handle myself to argue. She said to me that I will always be her child and she will love me no matter what and that she cant help it. At that I couldn't just drop that on her right there and then, tears welled in my eyes and I was unable to tell her. I don't care about what this can do to me that much but I really care how this might impact her and rest of people I hold close. I seem to be really interesting case because I feel like I should have been Girl and yet idea of liking a boy disgusts me. I know I like girls lot I used to date few and had one serious relationship but than I backed away which was hardest thing I done so far. I had drunk myself to oblivion that time. I thought it might go to far. She would be better off without me because I cant imagine hurting her and wasting her life by saying that I want to be a girl after she would waste few years with me. I even considered killing myself at that time I was downright disgusted with myself but I guess I am kind of coward for that. I am sorry for bothering you here but I don't have none else to turn to with this matter. All being said, I wonder how did rest of you went about this problem. Did you go first to the specialist or you informed your family?

[Sammy]

Hi Lina Greetings from another E-European country here .

As for finding other people from CZ here on this board, I believe You will find this thread to be useful

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,142067.msg1168035.html#msg1168035

[stavraki]

Hello everyone. First I would like to introduce myself to you all. I am 22 years old student from Czech Republic. I guess you don't have much of those here. Please try to apologize my bad English. If anyone from my country is registered here please contact me. I am Currently male even thou I don't feel like one. I read about problems most people here have to face everyday. I have to say that I am deeply touched and envy you your courage.

Well lets hit it off shall we? I think I might have gender dysphoria MTF. It is really disturbing thought but as it was said before idea is most resilient parasite. I guess I kind of always had these issues. As a kid I played with mostly with girls. I also tend to make friends between girls easier than boys. I don't like sports too much. I only pretended liking for example soccer. Only exception is tennis which I like to play. In school I was easy picking because I have small stature. I started liking female clothes. One of my female friends even dressed me up once for masquerade ball. I kind of enjoyed it but managed not to let anything show. Than I started dressing in secret not for excitement but it kind of felt good while dressed it felt (natural). It was only few years back that I realized something is horribly wrong. My first reaction was why me?! Then I studied what I could about it which disturbed me further. View of life without friends family and prospect of being laughed at and discriminated for rest of my life is scary. My country is... How to put it lightly. Stuck in its ways. Not legislative nor psychologist or doctors but normal everyday people are not aware of this problem and most of them is downright scared of people like us. I was pleasantly surprised that country I live in has such perfect health policy that everything is covered in health insurance. I also have really good specialist near my city that I could go to. Only real problem withstands when I try to think about what to do. I wonder what is better. To go first to psychologist to confirm my fears which I know are real or to tell my family. I fear of what they will think of me and how much this could hurt them. I cant put a finger on it I just feel it. It isn't anything logical. It really is highly illogical to do this it might doom me for life. On other side I cant live a lie. I lived in lie and in denial for so long now that I developed an aura of deception around me and learned to lie really excellently. Even my memory gotten better from that. I think it would be safest to start with my mother. She seems open minded and cares lot for me. I tried to tell her once but I got scared and backed away from it but before I managed to get at least part of my answer. Some time back I was in hospital and almost died. That was point when I decided that I have to act and life is short. When I asked her why was she so upset when I was in hospital. I used fact that I am old enough to handle myself to argue. She said to me that I will always be her child and she will love me no matter what and that she cant help it. At that I couldn't just drop that on her right there and then, tears welled in my eyes and I was unable to tell her. I don't care about what this can do to me that much but I really care how this might impact her and rest of people I hold close. I seem to be really interesting case because I feel like I should have been Girl and yet idea of liking a boy disgusts me. I know I like girls lot I used to date few and had one serious relationship but than I backed away which was hardest thing I done so far. I had drunk myself to oblivion that time. I thought it might go to far. She would be better off without me because I cant imagine hurting her and wasting her life by saying that I want to be a girl after she would waste few years with me. I even considered killing myself at that time I was downright disgusted with myself but I guess I am kind of coward for that. I am sorry for bothering you here but I don't have none else to turn to with this matter. All being said, I wonder how did rest of you went about this problem. Did you go first to the specialist or you informed your family?

hi lena

I don't think things are that different here, really.  We have some legislation and procedures for MTF transitioning, and 'men in blue suits' are in charge--as they always seem to be.  Though changes are occurring in bits and pieces as people with strong minds who are transgendered tell the world who they are.

Do you have good friends and anyone really open minded to support you?

[Sephirah]

Hiya, hon. Welcome to the site. *hugs*

First of all, you're not bothering anyone. It's good that you got this out and asked for advice about what to do. That's what we're here for. So don't worry, okay?

After reading your post, I'm going to go out on a limb and make a suggestion. By the sounds of it, you've been alone with all these thoughts and feelings, and never confided them in someone else. The suggestion I'm going to make is this: If this specialist is as good as you say, would it be possible to make an appointment to go see them just to talk over your feelings and maybe get their insight on some of the things you think and feel about yourself? Rather than going there with the intention to get confirmation, and that someone else agrees with your identity and who you are... just maybe go to talk, to explain the way you feel, with no preconceptions.

I think that might be a good first step to take. No one else has to know about it, and you're not committing yourself to anything at this stage. But reaching out to someone impartial, and not tied up in your personal circumstances may give you a sense of perspective, and what the best step is to take. Before you decide to do something that can't be undone, you know? Perhaps that conversation will present the answers to you.

[Jess42]

A specialist in the way of a therapist can help and guide you on the best way to come out. The timeline and how you do it is totally up to you though. They just more or less provide guidance.

Welcome.

[K.Lina]

Thank you all for warm welcome here. It means lot to me. I hoped that there might be some people from my country thanks Emily. I have few really close friends that might be able to understand and accept me. On the other hand they might not but that  is risk I will have to take. I know them long time and it just might be friendship that some little thing like gender hardly breaks. Good advice. I will try to pick one. Maybe friend next door. She is very good friend and we play tennis  together often. I have to build up some courage for that thou. That specialist I talked about. She is therapist and sexologist in one person. She has really good reviews but that might be subjective. I will save her for latter after I try to speak to my friends first I guess. I think I am decided about my identity. I don't know if anyone experienced it like I do but it is that feeling in the back of my head that tells me that something isn't right that I am wrong gender. I may even have pseudoscientific proof. My hands are kind of girly thin and small. To top it of I have female digit ratio. Some studies say that it is due to exposure to higher levels of estrogen in womb. Like I said I researched every little thing that I could alone. I am lucky so far that I am small and I don't have overly big stature but I fear it might change really soon as I age that is also why I try to solve this riddle.  Tick tock goes the clock.

[K.Lina]

I researched this for some time and I know exactly how should I proceed and what would be needed from me. I just only need to decide if I am going to go thru it all and to discover what kind of effect will it have on my surroundings. That doctor is sexologist. In my country it means that she is expert on everything sex related from unhappy sex life to transgender treatments. She is the one that can get me on HRT but this process can sometimes take around half a year to get approved.

[Sarah84]

Hi Lina.
I am from Czech too and welcome here  !
You aren't allowed to send PM's if you have less than 15 forum posts...  so I sent you an email, feel free to respond if u want to contact me .

Sarah

[Jamie D]

K.Lina, we have several Czechs who are members.  Mostly in the Prague and Pilsen areas.

Welcome. 

[K.Lina]

Thanks again.  By the way Jamie D I do play chess. Not professionally but for fun. I am glad I was able to contact sarah thanks to you. It eased my mind a bit that I am not alone in Czech that has trouble like I do.