I have a situation - new friend and worried about rejection

[randomroads]

When I went to my doctor appointment for my 2 month lab test and testosterone talk, I took a girl that I've become friendly with. She sat in the lobby of the clinic, but it's 100% obvious that it's a LGBT clinic. I didn't tell her why I was going, and she didn't ask.

She knows me as my female name, and she uses female pronouns. She's the wife of my husband's coworker that he's friends with. They have heard him refer to me as Ben and using male pronouns.

I don't really feel a pressing need to come out to her just yet, but at the same time I feel like I'm being dishonest and that if I let it go too far it will make me look like a big fat liar. I don't know if I want to continue being friends with her. She's funny, smart, and fun to hang out with but I've only spent 1 on 1 time with her twice.
The main part that bothers me a LOT is that I don't know how this would affect Clark's job. He's claimed that he uses male pronouns and refers to me as Ben at work, but I haven't witnessed it. He's put off telling his family about my transition choice for four months. I've been having to keep that secret from them, and I feel that it's unfair to everyone.

I'm really just completely lost on what to do. I'm more than comfortable being honest, but I'm really uncomfortable about being dishonest for an extended period of time. Anyone have any advice at all? I'm sorry that this is all over the map and that it may not make sense. If you need me to clarify, please ask.

[Jamie D]

You and your SO should sit down and communicate.  In my opinion, it is better that you both formulate a plan, be proactive, rather than have to react to the rumors and speculation that will inevitably happen.

[randomroads]

We've talked before, but we definitely need to revisit. He was there, in person, with his entire immediate family and he didn't once mention it to at least his parents. It's frustrating, and it's adding to my anxiety and doubt about his job. If he won't even tell his parents, then why would he talk about me using the right pronouns at WORK?

[Soren]

We've talked before, but we definitely need to revisit. He was there, in person, with his entire immediate family and he didn't once mention it to at least his parents. It's frustrating, and it's adding to my anxiety and doubt about his job. If he won't even tell his parents, then why would he talk about me using the right pronouns at WORK?

To be honest, I think it would actually be easier to refer to you as male at work. It's a professional setting and there's no fear of being disowned, as well as that most of his coworkers will never meet you, so he doesn't need to worry about it endangering you in any way.

[Nero]

He's claimed that he uses male pronouns and refers to me as Ben at work, but I haven't witnessed it.

Did he volunteer to do this or was it more like something you asked him to do? I mean, do you think it's just something he's saying to appease you or make you feel better?

[spacerace]

He may not have still come to terms with everything himself, let alone be ready to tell his family. If he is accepting you and staying with you, he is already light years ahead of the partners of many other people who transition. 

Let him have his own space instead of assuming he should catch up to your pace with all this, and you may find it is easier to grow into all of it together instead of forcing it through.

If you are pressuring him to make his family, friends, and even work colleagues know about your personal information in this way, it may feel strangling to him and he may resist it.

Take a step back, give it some time

[Jack_M]

Well the issue here is that you don't really have any control over when he tells his family.  Even if he is supportive, understanding and happy to stay with you, through your transition he has become a gay man.  Therefore telling his family is more than just telling them about you, it's effectively him coming out to his family.  Did you come out to your parents straight away?  Did you worry about telling your parents?  Coming out as gay holds the same fears, and likely even more so if they married/hooked up with you as a straight man.

I think the best thing to do here is take a step back, breathe and realise this is about more than just you right now.  Maybe for him, the idea of being identified as gay is okay at work or in a social context but he might not be as comfortable with that when it comes to his parents.

And also, if his family react badly to him being gay, he may be worried that he panics, maybe trying to justify it like, "He was a girl..." or other such stuff that may just make you feel horrible, even if he doesn't mean it.  He might just need more time to process it all so that he feels able to tell them and both defend himself and you without hurting anyone in doing so.

The point being, we don't know what's going through his head.  4 months might seem like a long time to you but you've had your whole life to process this and accept who you are.  He's not had the luxury of a lifetime of processing.  This is all new and even if it seems like snail's pace to you, to him it could feel like everything's happening at a million miles an hour and he's spinning out of control.

End of the day, I think the big thing you both have to do is talk to each other, just don't pressure him into anything because he could end up just rebelling against you rather than working with you, like spacerace said.  The more you push; the more he may resist.

[randomroads]

There has been ZERO pressure from me on him to talk about it at all. He came to me and asked 'What do you want me to do about this situation?' and I told him that he should do whatever makes him comfortable and happy. I told him that if he doesn't want to tell anyone, he doesn't have to. He then told me he would and he told me he was going to do it within the week. That never happened. Over the past four months I've asked him twice if he got around to telling his parents, and he said no. Then he tells me about how he talks about me at work, and it's just really puzzling.

Now I'm trying to make a friend who's the spouse of his coworker and I'm just completely lost as to what to do. He has Tuesday off so we're going to talk then. I NEED to know what he's comfortable with, and this hot/cold thing I feel that he's doing is making MY life difficult.

The main reason I haven't put any pressure on him to do anything at all is because he's been so accepting of everything that it's blown my mind. I don't want to jinx it. For the record, I wasn't really worried about telling my folks. I wrote them a letter that was worded in such a way that it basically said 'This is how it is and if you don't like it you can either suck it up and still talk to me, or not.' I haven't heard from them at all since they received it. He feels a lot closer to his family than I ever have.

[spacerace]

It doesn't seem like you are pressuring him to you from your perspective, but you are in your actions. You ask him about it, you put him in situations where he has to make a decision one way or another. That's the pressure.  He loves you, so he is aware of what you want and what will make you happy. So he says yes - but then the hard part comes and he evades.

The hot/cold thing you are feeling is him not being ready for it.  Step out of the friend situation, and let him tell his family on his own time.  You took his work friend's wife with you for your LGBT clinic appointment - think about it. That forces his hand a bit to hurry up, no?

I NEED to know what he's comfortable with, and this hot/cold thing I feel that he's doing is making MY life difficult.

He is telling you what you need to know with the fact he is avoiding telling anyone. He's not comfortable with it yet. 

It is a big deal to tell people at work about the fact your wife is now your husband. It is something people will gossip about. It (will?)temporarily defines him in the minds of other people around him as (in the minds of ignorant coworkers) that guy who's wife is a transsexual.  And telling his family - I imagine that is a giant bag of mixed emotions all over the spectrum, especially when you are continuing to stay with the spouse. Tons of people would need months of therapy to get through all of this. Give him time.

[randomroads]

My initial gut reaction to 'give him time' was 'I'll give him time alright... he can have all the time in the world when I'm not around anymore because I'm tired of feeling like a freak and having a partner who's embarrassed or ashamed of me.' That's irrational, but this whole thing has got me irrational. I don't mind dropping the friendship with the girl since I'm not invested yet, but doesn't that mean I should drop all contact with everyone I know who's associated with him instead of just singling her out?

I need to step back and think about what you said.

[kaiju]

Honestly, I feel you on not wanting to be singled out as a freak. It's especially hard when your partner gives off the implication that he's ashamed of you as opposed to acceptance and support. I'd probably react more explosively, but I can also understand people asking you to give him time. If I were in your shoes, I'd maybe consider getting some space for yourself. You should be able to have friends of your own to spend time with and feel accepted by. He might need counseling to come to terms with how he feels about your transition. Space can be overwhelming for some, but in my experience, allowing others to do their own thing helps them become more emotionally ready to deal with yours. I dunno if that makes sense or not.

[randomroads]

I've had some time to think about this topic rationally.

I can't say that I feel any better about any of it. I removed his sister off of my FB friends list so that I could be a bit more open.
A week after he got back from his trip to see his parents and camp with a friend, he finally tells me he told his mom. I would have never found out if I hadn't asked. It 'slipped his mind' and I find that difficult to believe. His mother's reaction was exactly what I thought it would be. I'm worried about being around her at the end of the month when we have to go back to Michigan and clean up the apartment for an official move out. She'll be there, with my brother in law, and I just know it's going to be awkward as hell.

Clark's invited me to meet a few of his coworkers (I declined). He's attempting to introduce me to people he knows from work. He tells me he doesn't have a problem with me hanging out with the girl I mentioned at the beginning of the thread. He insisted that HE was the one to push me to hang out with her because I need some local friends and he likes her. I've been trying to branch out on my own but I'm unable to get anyone to do anything with me.

Basically it's still a muddled mess and I'm still confused about what to do. I did finally get my T cream in the mail and have been on that for a week. I feel so much more balanced, mentally, even if I am still dealing with a bit of aggression. I had hoped that by avoiding the injection 'highs and lows' that would fix itself but it hasn't. I'm not irrationally angry but I'm still moody about everything. And, top off the aggression problem, my libido has sky rocketed again and I'm sexually frustrated. My method of helping myself out broke and I don't have the money for a new one.

[BrotherBen]

I've had some time to think about this topic rationally.

I can't say that I feel any better about any of it. I removed his sister off of my FB friends list so that I could be a bit more open.
A week after he got back from his trip to see his parents and camp with a friend, he finally tells me he told his mom. I would have never found out if I hadn't asked. It 'slipped his mind' and I find that difficult to believe. His mother's reaction was exactly what I thought it would be. I'm worried about being around her at the end of the month when we have to go back to Michigan and clean up the apartment for an official move out. She'll be there, with my brother in law, and I just know it's going to be awkward as hell.

Clark's invited me to meet a few of his coworkers (I declined). He's attempting to introduce me to people he knows from work. He tells me he doesn't have a problem with me hanging out with the girl I mentioned at the beginning of the thread. He insisted that HE was the one to push me to hang out with her because I need some local friends and he likes her. I've been trying to branch out on my own but I'm unable to get anyone to do anything with me.

Basically it's still a muddled mess and I'm still confused about what to do. I did finally get my T cream in the mail and have been on that for a week. I feel so much more balanced, mentally, even if I am still dealing with a bit of aggression. I had hoped that by avoiding the injection 'highs and lows' that would fix itself but it hasn't. I'm not irrationally angry but I'm still moody about everything. And, top off the aggression problem, my libido has sky rocketed again and I'm sexually frustrated. My method of helping myself out broke and I don't have the money for a new one.

Awkwardness with the in-laws may not be fun, but it's better than having them spew malicious insults at you. Either it will pass, or it won't, but it might help to engage her one on one and just say "I know this must seem very sudden/shocking to you. Do you have any questions or anything you'd like to say?" Sometimes broaching difficult subjects directly early on helps keep negativity and anxiety about things from building up silently and bursting out later.

Have you tried asking your hubby if you could disclose, in strict confidence, to just this ONE friend from work? If she's heard you referred to as Ben, and went with you to the clinic no questions asked, she probably already knows and might not even realize that your husband doesn't want to be completely out about this yet.

Grats on starting T! Also, sorry to hear you broke your hand.   

[randomroads]

No broke hand, but did replace the ... er 'device'. I couldn't go to the store and do it myself. Had to have him do it.