hi all,
I'm happy to find this place where people actually go and talk to each other!
I'll identify as jker because my birth name... isn't appropriate and the female name i think I want.. isn't yet appropriate.
I spent my life living 'happily' as a man.
never really had any gender problems, but never really happy. always felt subdued, never really felt excited or happy. maybe I'm just constantly depressed and kinda got used to it. been like a robot for a long time. only a few years ago, I started working on bringing forward my emotions, not long after I had an emotional breakdown. I blame it on the fact my career seemed like it was over, but maybe I shouldn't put so much necessity on career, maybe I ought to have more value on my personality. trouble is, I don't seem to have one... well other people say they like me but I can't imagine why.
it's not like I don't value myself. I do have good self esteem. mostly based around my pragmatic nature, my powers of perception and my art and technical skills. but nothing really to do with personality, I don't think i have much of it. or perhaps i've just buried it.
just lately I've been remembering that I do have a liking for fashion and I do like pretty things. I have been jealous of women in the past because they get to wear all these wonderful clothes. I just dress in drab jeans and t-shirt always in subdued colours.
ever since I identified my discomfort of being around other people, because i couldn't imagine why they might want me around, I realised I need to value my personality and not just my 'talents'. I tried to identify what is lacking, I also at the same time considered my body and how i come across, realising that I don't feel attractive. I *think* I am attractive, but I don't *feel* attractive. thinking about what would make me feel attractive. definitely would like to wear lingerie. but doing that as a man, feels weird to me.
started remembering all the various things from my life that may be a bit out of place. cross dressed on couple of odd occasions. always play female character in video games. like media that has gender benders like freaky friday, etc. love pretty things, like pink because it's pretty not because it's edgy. like perfume. like fashion. i'm sensitive, I cry at movies, I have a lot of female friends and hardly any male. I like to get hugs from big burly men. I like to feel protected. I don't really care about the size of my penis, I couldn't care less about macho stuff. no desire for a big fast car. hate sports. don't like it when people don't listen to my problems and instead try to 'solve' them.
ehmm... probably don't need to go on.
erm.. this is supposed to be an introduction right?
ha ha, sorry about that. but then I guess it tells you about who I am and where I am.
I'm pretty sure I want to start HRT. just wish i could shake those odd moments where i look at my chest and think "actually that looks ok". I wouldn't want to think I 'got it wrong' and made a big mistake. after all, I am sure if I looked in the mirror and saw a perky pair of natural breasts grown from my own body... I think I would feel pretty special and very pretty. that feels kinda warm inside my chest.
well nice to meet you and I hope i can be more productive here rather than making an opening post and disappearing. I'll try and check back and see if I can contribute to the other topics.
