Some matters to attend to

[ChelseaAnn]

I wasn't sure where to put this, but it does have to do with transitioning, in a degree.

I was just starting therapy for my 12 sessions, and the day after my first, my wife (who I am living with, and have a 3 month old with) told me that after some consideration and looking some things up, decided she was going to stay with me. I was happy, a little shocked, but it was great news.

After some discussion, she has asked me to wait a little on my HRT, since we had always wanted 2 children, and it is too early for her to get pregnant again. I am fine with that.

The issue we are running into is when our son starts to talk. We are trying to think of something for him to call me, in preparation for my transition (he will be 1 year and 9 months when I begin my HRT, if everything goes according to plan). My wife doesn't like having him call me Chelsea, as it would be too formal. However, I don't want him to call me mom (for reasons before transition, and I don't want to take that from my wife). Does anyone have any suggestions for this?

Also, a legal question. Once I transition, and legally change my name and gender, are my wife and I still considered married? I had seen somewhere that the marriage goes based off gender when the marriage was done, not the current state. We live in Pennsylvania if that helps.

[stavraki]

hi there - congratulations on the success.  I'm moved to hear that your wife is going on ur journey with you and wants to remain close to you.  I'm not sure how often that happens, and I hope and trust you can both make that work.

I'm can't answer legal matters.  About how 'married' you both are, as a gay guy, I've had to accept that marriage is a state of mind, to get around the whole mess of the civil/religious debate.  I've had one commitment ceremony in my life and that was beautiful.  Hope u still feel as married as ever.

About your child and ur question.  I imagine that loving your children, truly from your best parts of yourself is all that really matters, ultimately.  I read in a study sometime that self-esteem of children of same-sex couples came out slightly higher than the average in one study I recall.  Can't remember the authors.

I also imagine that assisting ur child with their curiosity and questions, in a child-centred way will assist to integrate the transition (by child-centred, what I mean is follow their lead with the depth of information they seek.  Children are naturally curious).  Children are better able to cope with the change than adults.

cheers
stav

 

[Antonia J]

How about "Maddy"?

[Sammy]

When You change Your gender, you both became female in the eyes of law. So it is essentialy whether the law in Your state allows for same-sex marriages - if yes, You would have - probably - to sort some papers out, if now - the State would impose the mandatory divorce upon You (yeah, I know this sucks) and the rest depends on whether Your State recognises registered civil partnerships, including same sex partnerships - the latter might be handy to sort out all property, inheritance and other issues which tend to come up from time to time.

[LordKAT]

Never seen a state with mandatory divorce. If you were married, you are married, name and gender change make no difference.

[Cindy]

Never seen a state with mandatory divorce. If you were married, you are married, name and gender change make no difference.

South Australia!

[LordKAT]

South Australia!

Then let me clarify that I only know things in American states. I need to be an Aussie.

[Jamie D]

Neither the State or the Federal government, in the U.S., can break a legal contract.  Only the parties to the marriage contract can break it.

The "Contract Clause" of the US Constitution prohibits any state law which retroactively impairs the "obligation of contracts."

[Cindy]

Then let me clarify that I only know things in American states. I need to be an Aussie.

Ahh another soul rescued!!!

[Sammy]

For those who are interested about how things are going in Europe, I can suggest looking up this map
http://www.tgeu.org/sites/default/files/Trans_Rights_Europe_Index_2013.pdf
The indicator which is relevant for the present topic is "Compulsory divorce/single status"

[Lo]

There have been lots of gender-neutral or non-traditional names and titles for parents and family that have been invented in recent years.

I know that back when we were still talking about the slight possibility of adopting a child, I told my husband that being called "mom" never sounded right, and decided that "umi" was more my speed. We're not parents to anyone but a cat and don't plan on human children ever, but "umi" still sounds right.

A quick google search will give you some ideas.

[Joanna Dark]

Your marriage could be affected: http://obsidianwings.blogs.com/obsidian_wings/2008/04/if-you-change-y.html

From the article:

The New Jersey reference stems from a 1976 case in which an appellate court ruled that a man needed to pay support to his ex-wife, who was born male, essentially saying that sex is determined by current status, not DNA. But a 2004 Florida case took the opposite tack: a female-to-male transsexual who married a woman and then divorced lost custody of the children, as the marriage was declared invalid since both were born the same sex.

It's very convoluted. What part of PA are you from?

[Megan S]

My children call me Maddy. They tell me it is both a mom and a dad. I had wanted them to always know their real mother would always be their mother. Regardless, they often slip and call me mom, which, I have to admit, still makes me smile. My nickname prior to transition was for my entire life Mattie, so it wasn't anything new for me and easy for my children to pick-up because they already knew me by that name.

[Jamie D]

Your marriage could be affected: http://obsidianwings.blogs.com/obsidian_wings/2008/04/if-you-change-y.html

From the article:

The New Jersey reference stems from a 1976 case in which an appellate court ruled that a man needed to pay support to his ex-wife, who was born male, essentially saying that sex is determined by current status, not DNA. But a 2004 Florida case took the opposite tack: a female-to-male transsexual who married a woman and then divorced lost custody of the children, as the marriage was declared invalid since both were born the same sex.

It's very convoluted. What part of PA are you from?

The Florida case was not a forced divorce, but an annulment because the marriage, at the time it was contracted, was not valid in the state.