Having your parent out you

[smile_jma]

Has anyone else had a parent out you to their friends and their side of the family?  I have found out my mom has told her brother, step kids (my..half sisters), and numerous friends of hers. I did tell her not to tell people, but it's not the first time she didn't listen to me about not telling people about other things. My dad has not told anyone else (that I'm aware of). While I can understand she needs people to talk to since she's going through this, too (albeit in a diiferent way), but she does go to a support group for parents of us.

On another continent, I told my aunt about me...and she told my mom who told the rest of my Korean family. This all being done without me knowing. So...I really have only mentioned me to 3 family members and in turned the whole family knows in the US (including people I don't really know), and the immediate family knows in Korea.

How did you deal with it? I'm a little pissed that my mom is such a blabbermouth and doesn't know how to respect privacy very much...especially to people I don't know. I understand they're her friends...but not asking me if she can tell them/what is ok to say at this point...

[SaveMeJeebus]

Sucks to hear :/. I can somewhat relate. Some of my family members tend to gossip, i try to tell myself to not say certain things, but somehow i still do sometimes. You could think it's one less thing you have to do. I would also tell your mum how you feel, and bare in mind in the future. I deal with it by biting my tounge, so to speak, though thats probably not ideal.

[smile_jma]

My mom knows how I feel.   She asked me (after the fact) what should she have said? . Um...nothing!?  I feel like it's something I have to do, unless I ask for help telling people. Yes, it's something less I have to do...but I'm not ready to tell people yet, especially those I don't ever interact with...

[~RoadToTrista~]

I'm not out.

However, my mom is a disrespectful blabbermouth who loves to share our business with everyone. It's already apparent to me that coming out to her means coming out to all her friends and the rest of the family as well.

I haven't really thought about it like that. I guess I'm just used to it.

[bethany]

My Dad has told a few friends of the family, I can't say it really bothers me. He tells them how happy I am now, and how well I'm doing. Of course I rather be the one telling people but if he gets asked by people and tells them, its really no biggie. I will ask what their reaction was. And so far its all been good.

[SaveMeJeebus]

My mom knows how I feel.   She asked me (after the fact) what should she have said? . Um...nothing!?  I feel like it's something I have to do, unless I ask for help telling people. Yes, it's something less I have to do...but I'm not ready to tell people yet, especially those I don't ever interact with...

I realized you wanted to do it yourself, and probably was not ready, but as it's has happened, i made suggestions. I'm not sure what else to say. I like what Bethany said, asking how their reaction was.

[Jen♀]

The night I came out to my parents, my mom left to be alone for a while, and as it turns out she went to my Aunt and Uncle's house. She told them about me. At first I was like "Oh boy, my world is spinning too fast." but they are both psychologists, and actually helped us find a gender therapist for me. We've had a family reunion since then and everything went fine. My dad told my step mom and it actually seemed to bring us closer the next time I saw them... Not that we weren't close before, but she seemed kind of happier, or sort of eager to assure me (through her actions) that she was okay with me. My mom also told her boyfriend (they've been together for even longer than my dad's known his wife, so probably like 7 years now). The first time I saw him afterwards everything was normal, he didn't act strange around me at all. My mom also told my brother, but her and I decided on that together. After she talked to him he came and talked to me about it, and told me he had a friend who is also transgender and basically said that it's not going to change anything (we are really close). He also told his girlfriend (I gave him permission; I knew she had a couple transgender friends too so I figured she would be understanding) and she wrote me a little note (it was a positive note ). So yeah, word kind of got around to some extra people, but half of them sort of "needed" to know because they are parent-figures (or a legitimate sibling), and the other half were supportive and understanding individuals.

[Antonia J]

Unfortunately, there is no easy way to control others.  I think the only solution is to tell your own story to those she would tell if you are worried she is going to misrepresent you.  Sometimes, hearing from the person directly helps with understanding. The people you come out to will often tell others so once it is out, there is no going back.

[MadeleineG]

I'm dealing with a somewhat similar situation right now. My mom told me yesterday that she told her friend. I was okay with this. However, she also authorized her friend to pass the news along to her daughter, who I barely know. This I am a little less comfortable with. Her daughter is my age and still lives in my home town. When the time comes to come out to friends back home, I'd rather not discover that they've already heard via the grapevine. Alas, feels like they're isn't much I can do. Gossip travels faster than light. 

Maddy

[Amelia Pond]

My mom did something similar.

She outed me to a friend of her's without my permission, so I was pretty miffed. Later I realized that she needed someone to talk to about what's going on and I wasn't out to many people at that time. I've also never met this friend and may never meet her. So, I forgave her but I told her that I wanted her to ask me before she told anyone else.

She also outed me to extended family later on, with my permission. So that was okay.

Though in your case, you told her not to and she still did. So, I get where you're coming from. However, what's done is done. You were probably going to come out to many of those family members anyways, so, I'd try to forgive her if you still want her in your life. I'd also talk with her and explain why what she did was wrong and how it made you feel, it might sink in.

Amy

[smile_jma]

Yah, while I'm kind of disappointed she did that, she's actually one of the biggest supporters. EVER. Wanting to know what my new name will be, when is it ok for her to start calling me she/her/my daughter... (most parent's i THINK don't make as much of a conscious effort to try to use the female pronouns, could be wrong), and when i arrived back home to go to the gender conference she found and insisted that i go so we could both learn more about how to do things, the next day she said we should go get a manicure together.

[MadeleineG]

Every time I talk to my mom, she's outed me to more people. Luckily, afaik, she's only disclosed to people reasonably likely to be receptive. And she doesn't mean any harm by it. I have to remind myself that she's telling people because (a) she needs to share and (b) it's a good way to command people's undivided attention. I keep telling myself not to worry: our sets are sufficiently disjunct that risk should be limited. Should...

Maddy

[Ltl89]

I sort of had this happen.  I took it very badly and it makes me second guess how much I want to share with my family in the future.  The only way to deal with it is to accept that it happened and move on.  What "moving on" means to you is a whole other thing.