Maybe I was wrong?

[matthewzguitarz]

I guess I should have thought about all of this more. A thought popped into my head today, maybe I am not transsexual.

Anyways, this morning my parents pretty much forced me to confront a problem I have. I guess they have become worried because I have no friends and spend so much time in my room with little to no social interactions, think they also are freaking out because they really don't know me.

But, today I was just overwhelmed and didn't know how to respond. They started asking questions first about why I won't go to a Catholic or Lutheran church(that is actually kind of complicated), and why I love the Baptist church. Then when I couldn't answer that, they started just pretty much questioning me on what I do in my room all day, why I don't spend more time with the family, why I am shy, etc. I ended up still not knowing what to do.

Then they started talking about getting me a psychiatrist or therapist(forgot which one), and saying how I am going to end up spending the rest of my life in a mental hospital. Then they changed it to me needing to get a job, or start going to a public school(that would probably kill me to be honest), and pretty much yeah.. they were freaking out. I ended up running to the bathroom after, and just crying.

But, I ended up going to the Baptist church, and just feeling better about the situation... and spent the rest of the day with my family. But, they pretty much told me I have to go to a Catholic or Lutheran college(forgot the reason, I think it was something to do with LGBT they saw), that kind of made me upset since I have a different plan for MY life.

Now I am just unsure about all of this. Also kind of weird since I realized I am attracted to girls, but..... I just don't know. Maybe all of this was caused by my problem of not being social? Looking back at it... I have been all over the place the last year(thinking I was going deaf, then blind, then thinking I was gay.. then bi, now I am here).

[MadeleineG]

When I was about your age, I was facing a lot of the same challenges. I knew in my heart who and what I was, but had doubt. Mostly, I took other people's fears and doubts and internalized them. Instead of doing what I needed to do, I convinced myself I was wrong, buried it, and am only dealing with it now at 32. I WISH I had had the assertiveness to separate my feelings from my parents' doubts. I don't mean to influence you, only to say that you are very lucky to be dealing with trans issues at a young age in an era where support is available. Be confident.

Maddy

[Pia Bianca]

Now I am just unsure about all of this. Also kind of weird since I realized I am attracted to girls, but.....

That was one of my own hindrances, too. If I was attracted to boys, I'd have recognized sooner what my condition is. But to be honest, I'm a lesbian transgirl. At least that's how I feel; and since this all is about what we feel, it feels so much better after I realized it. Thinking about becoming a girl does make me content, makes me feel getting in touch with the real me. I can't describe that feeling correctly in German, so I won't be able to even glace at it in English. But nevertheless, it feels good.

I have been all over the place the last year(thinking I was going deaf, then blind, then thinking I was gay.. then bi, now I am here).

Yeah, you might be right; but at the other hand you might be false. Who knows? It's certain, that we don't know. It's about equally certain that your parents don't know. The only person who can know is yourself! Your parents wanted to send you to a therapist? Just accept this; it might help you sort things out. But try to choose your own therapist; just tell your parents that if the therapist shall have any good effects, you have to trust her or him.

If you'll find out that you aren't trans*, that's okay. The process of finding out is what is important; it's absolutely of no importance what's the result.

[Flan]

All I'll say is if you don't speak for yourself other people will try to tell you how to live. Trans* or not, you have to start there.

[Sammy]

All I'll say is if you don't speak for yourself other people will try to tell you how to live. Trans* or not, you have to start there.

This is so true... I pretty much allowed this to happen and maybe that has been my biggest mistake. Though looking back at my upbringing, there could have been no other way for me. I was told what to wear, what activities to pursue, what to eat and what not to do. Please, do not allow this to happen with You - it will have a long lasting impact on Your life and will take A LOT of time to overcome - if that can be achieved at all.

As a final note - nobody, even the therapist, wont give You a definite answer whether You are trans or not. And ttrust me, other people DO NOT know how You feel inside, they can only provide their perceptions about You.

[matthewzguitarz]

Maybe I should just take a break from the internet, and see how I feel in a month or so? Because I just realized today that lack of sleep is also effecting me badly, like, other people my age were already wide awake at 9:00am and ready to go help with the VBS all day. I was still about to pass out and am glad I didn't volunteer(actually going to try since I need to be more social), weird since I went to bed at 11pm instead of 2am though.

I don't really let people run my life though, I dress the way I want, wear jewelry, act the way I want, hang out with who I want, etc. Another problem with the trans thing though, is I really want to have kids one day, and I hate to admit it, but it would feel weird to only be able to adopt, then worrying that the parents would come back. But, I shall still grow my hair out, look like the beetles now, and it just has been long enough that I don't want to give up now.

[Dreams2014]

Live the life you want to, and if your family doesn't like it? Tough. It's your life. Get busy living or get busy dying.

[calico]

I noticed in your post that your parents offered to take you to a therapist/ psychologist perhaps this ma be a worthwhile idea. It sounds as though that is what you are needing which while this board does offer tons of support it isn't a replacement for a therapist nor should it be. I would take them up on their offer and just say you are having some issues that you need to sort out and when able you will talk to them about it when you are comfortable, but I would also reassure them you aren't planning on killing anyone or yourself.... In these days and times people worry about their children becoming psycho's so I would assure them your not out to do that.

[matthewzguitarz]

I noticed in your post that your parents offered to take you to a therapist/ psychologist perhaps this ma be a worthwhile idea. It sounds as though that is what you are needing which while this board does offer tons of support it isn't a replacement for a therapist nor should it be. I would take them up on their offer and just say you are having some issues that you need to sort out and when able you will talk to them about it when you are comfortable, but I would also reassure them you aren't planning on killing anyone or yourself.... In these days and times people worry about their children becoming psycho's so I would assure them your not out to do that.

I might take them up on it, but I will try to just take a break from the internet, except youtube(I upload music and have some friends on there) and yahoo answers(discovered they had a section for teens, and I like helping people), and some other music forums I am on. Then in a week or two, I will see how I am feeling.

Anyways, the VBS people offered to let me hang out there and help out if they need it, so I might do that this week since I really have nothing else to do, except watch lord of the rings again(discovered I can play a lot of the music on the violin), but I am really bored for the 2 weeks I have off of school(my mom is letting me move up to 11th grade).

Going to just throw myself into a bunch of social situations, since I really have no problem with social stuff, it is just getting into a social situation which is hard for me. My mind went blank because my mom needed to borrow my phone, so going to try to remember what I was typing.

Adjusting my sleep schedule now, since I realized how bad it is when I saw other people my age, running around fully awake and ready to handle all the kids at 9am, while I was still in a bad mood and about to pass out, since I usually am not awake until anywhere from 9am to 12pm. Going to move my showers to the morning if I can get up early enough, since I usually don't shower until around 10pm, and that wakes me up for the next 2 or so hours.

Even if I am really not trans, I shall always respect LGBT more now, since I can kind of see what they have to go through, especially as Christians.

[Silvermist]

but it would feel weird to only be able to adopt, then worrying that the parents would come back.

When parents give children up for adoption, they relinquish all rights/claims to the children. I'm not sure why you'd worry about it.

[Nero]

Now I am just unsure about all of this. Also kind of weird since I realized I am attracted to girls, but.....

That was one of my own hindrances, too. If I was attracted to boys, I'd have recognized sooner what my condition is. But to be honest, I'm a lesbian transgirl. At least that's how I feel; and since this all is about what we feel, it feels so much better after I realized it.

This makes sense. Part of the reason I went into denial during puberty was I started being attracted to boys which made me think I must be 'okay' and a normal girl after all. (I was also attracted to girls and was more turned on by them sexually but dismissed it because of religious fears).

But it could also go the other way too, with someone who is 'homosexual' according to their birth sex chalking up their transgender feelings to their orientation.

[translora]

matthewzguitarz,

As unlikely as this will seem, your parents really are on your side. In fact, they are probably the most on-your-side people you will ever meet -- even when they don't know how to talk to you. (I'm assuming, from the tone of your post, that you have not been abused as a child. There are exceptions, of course.)

If they say that they have concerns, that's an open door for you to try and talk with them. The fact that they sat you down shows that they're trying to figure out what to do -- which is to say, HOW TO HELP YOU. It's going to be hard to find the right words, I know, but you need to tell them what you're feeling. Don't wait for them to bring it up again. Find a time and start talking. If it's easier, talk to them individually. (Years ago, I told my mom I was trans, and she told my dad. That made it a whole lot easier.)

Odds are that they already know, at least sort of, what you're wrestling with. The best thing you can do is practice what you might say while you are alone. If all you have is questions about yourself (as we all start off with), that's fine. Tell them that. You don't have to go into any great detail, or even spill everything, just get a conversation started. Then answer their questions.

If you tell them, if you even TRY to talk to them, they will in turn try to help you. If you don't, you're potentially cutting off the best source of support you'll ever have (for all things, not just transition or whatever).

I know that this sounds impossible, but having the hard conversation is always better than avoiding it. What's the worst that could happen? (Exception: History of physical or emotional abuse.)

Lora