Desperate for clarity, will I ever get it?

[MR.MAN]

I am not sure where I stand anymore in terms of gender identity. I know gender isn't just black and white and there is a whole spectrum, but I want to stand at one place or another, and that's male or female. Anything else will make me uncomfortable.

Now with that said, I don't know if I'm FTM. I desperately desperately want to be sure that I am, but I'm not sure. I was even starting to transition and then my doubts overwhelmed me.

I am reluctant to let go of female pronouns (I will gladly change my name though), lesbian sexual identity, and am considering trying to be feminine. It's like male and female identities battling to get the top spot. I desperately want to transition and ID as male, but at this point in time it won't be possible for me.

It's confusing cause I want to transition and change my name and all that jazz, but these urges to be feminine keep growing and I want them to GO AWAY, so I can transition and feel comfortable iding as male and finally accept maleF pronouns. This has been my battle for 2 years.

*Reply #3 in this thread more accurately describes how I feel*

Anyone have some input/advice?

[Nero]

I am not sure where I stand anymore in terms of gender identity. I know gender isn't just black and white and there is a whole spectrum, but I want to stand at one place or another, and that's male or female. Anything else will make me uncomfortable.

This is telling. It sounds like you're trying to shove yourself into an ill fitting pair of shoes. You want to be male, but you don't want to let go of female pronouns, a lesbian identity, and have growing feminine urges.

Have you asked yourself why you feel the need to stand at one place or another?

I want them to GO AWAY, so I can transition and feel comfortable iding as male and finally accept male pronouns.

If you've been battling this for two years, it doesn't sound as though you are comfortable with a binary male identity. Even if you could get it to 'go away' long enough to transition, how do you know you would be happy? Especially since it sounds like this isn't something you really want, but something you want to want. Significant difference there.

There's nothing saying you can't 'have your cake and eat it too'. Make the changes you do want such as the name. There's no set way to transition. Nothing saying you must change to male pronouns or even a male identity.

[Adam (birkin)]

Well, you can be a man and do feminine things. Cis guys do too. So I wouldn't be too concerned about that, that definitely doesn't mean you can't transition.

With the pronouns, I took a while to get used to being called "he" by strangers especially. Why do you feel attachment to female pronouns, if you know the reason? It was kind of a double whammy in a way. I hated being called she, because I'm not a woman, but whenever they called me "he" I thought "oh crap, they're going to look at me for too long and realize I was born female, and realize I'm trans, and things could get ugly." So I guess for me, the discomfort with male pronouns was more of a fear of being "found out" rather than attachment to the female ones. With those I knew, I appreciated them using the right pronouns but I also felt, since I didn't pass, that it outed me immediately, which was scary sometimes. But I do think there is a period of adjustment if you've been called "she" your whole life.

As for the lesbian thing...well, that's the way it goes, honestly, and that may be something you need to consider. There will come a time when you are read entirely as male and no one will see you as a lesbian if you transition. I think a good question to ask yourself would be why you feel so attached to the lesbian label. What does it mean to you? Really, lesbian is just a way to describe being romantically and sexually attracted to women, but that is...attracted to women as a woman. It's not like by transitioning you'll like women any less, that will always remain (or usually does, I have heard of some guys changing orientation but yeah). You can still love women and have meaningful relationships with women, why does it matter if you are male or female? In my opinion, the only reason to hold on to a lesbian label is if you are in fact, a woman who loves women. And that's OK if you are. You have to do what is right for you, and you have to be who you are. Male or female, transitioned or not, at the end of the day you have to do what makes you happy and be true to yourself.

I agree with what FA said too. The sense of "want to want to transition" sticks out to me. Why do you want to want to transition?

[MR.MAN]

Have you asked yourself why you feel the need to stand at one place or another?

It's just what I'm comfortable with. I'm very uncomfortable identifying somewhere in the middle, unless it was like "I'm female but definitely feel more male," or vice versa.

If you've been battling this for two years, it doesn't sound as though you are comfortable with a binary male identity.

I'm really not sure if I'm uncomfortable, it's just feels weird to be called he. I have been called "he" before and it felt pretty good, other times It was just an automatic response to say "Hey, I'm Female!" and then slap myself in the face later. However, when my friend called me he I was just like 'woah, weird'... When I think of transitioning (with hrt) I get really excited but then I think, what if I just lived as a feminine lady, would I feel happy and fulfilled? That's more of my problem.

Well, you can be a man and do feminine things. Cis guys do too. So I wouldn't be too concerned about that, that definitely doesn't mean you can't transition.

Definitely.

Why do you feel attachment to female pronouns, if you know the reason?

Could be a couple things. Maybe it's 'cause I've been raised with traditional gender roles. Girls were this way and did this and boys were that way and did that. It was set in stone, no arguing or you're a freak of nature. In my family trans people are considered just delusional gay people. I guess I'm holding on for my familys' acceptance? Trying to stick with the way I was raised (the gender roles part)?
These are possibilities.

On the topic of being called by male pronouns, it's like I said above. It's not really about being uncomfortable going by them, but more like "woah, I'm not used to it!" Maybe an adjustment period is in order.

As for the lesbian thing...well, that's the way it goes, honestly, and that may be something you need to consider.

I always viewed sexuality as "I like girls." I never say lesbian out loud... ever. When somebody asks me if I'm a lesbian I kind just nod, the whole situation makes me feel awkward. I don't know I see lesbians on youtube and in the street and I think, I want to be happy like them. I cling onto the way my family raised me with traditional gender roles, even though I know differently. It's always been, you're a girl, YOU'RE LIKE THIS AND DO THIS. And since I'm the type of person who needs structure to function I cling onto labels and stuff, cause it's comforting to me.

I guess after typing this it's made me realize that it's more of the factor I want to cling onto what I know, and what I'm being urged to do even though I want different things.

It causes me major conflict because I was raised one way and I want to try another way. I'm scared, I guess I'm just scared.

I agree with what FA said too. The sense of "want to want to transition" sticks out to me. Why do you want to want to transition?

Lastly, I want to transition (with hrt) because I like the male body better and I want a male body and face. I've always wanted big muscles and facial hair and all that jazz, I want it so bad. In middle school.

I remember wanting to be accepted as one of the guys, but wasn't and it made me cry. I remember far back In elementary, I didn't fit in so much with the girls, sometimes I'd play jump rope with them. But I remember I'd play like ninjas with my guy friends and we'd have lunch together and I'd talk about pokemon. It was so simple back then.

I've always felt like, I want to be male so bad and accepted as male, but I can tolerate being female. I've never said, I am male, it's always been I WANT TO BE MALE!

I feel if I can transition I can finally say I AM MALE (without feeling subpar)!!!!!!!!
Right now I have way too much conflict in my head to transition though. I'm just a mess.

[kelly_aus]

I feel if I can transition I can finally say I AM MALE!!!!!!!!
Right now I have way too much conflict in my head to transition though. I'm just a mess.

I have openly proclaimed my status as a woman since the day I accepted myself.. I've always been one, truthfully.. Transition has just made the packaging look more like it should - it hasn't changed who I am.

[DriftingCrow]

I've always felt like, I want to be male so bad and accepted as male, but I can tolerate being female. I've never said, I am male, it's always been I WANT TO BE MALE!

I feel if I can transition I can finally say I AM MALE (without feeling subpar)!!!!!!!!
Right now I have way too much conflict in my head to transition though. I'm just a mess.

Have you seen a gender therapist? One might be able to help you figure things out a little more. 

I kind of understand where you're coming from, I think I am more male but also have femme things too that I do and like. It's easier socially to identify as either male or female, since most people don't understand the gender spectrum and never heard of gender-queer people. I think you'd feel more comfortable if you just kind of let your feelings flow without trying to squish everything into boxes and without saying "I can't do this or feel this if I identify as male." Sometimes I think if you're overthinking things and trying to force things, your mind plays tricks on you and starts doing the opposite of what you're telling your brain you want it to do.

For the lesbian identity thing, if you transition, you'll likely end up loosing that identity, but it seems more like you're attracted to the happy idealism of lesbian personas. You said you always wanted to feel happy like the lesbian you've seen, but it seems like you were never one of them. Why not see if there's a trans or gender-queer community nearby and go to a few meetings or events? You'll probably see a lot of people who are just as happy and proud as the lesbians you've seen, and maybe you'll fit in more there? If you find a new community, it might make it easier to give up that part of your identity.

[Edge]

I agree with LearnedHand. It sounds like it would be a good idea to talk to a gender therapist. I wonder how you would feel and identify if you let go of the labels and what you've been told goes with them.

[insideontheoutside]

...unless it was like "I'm female but definitely feel more male," or vice versa.

Why don't you do that for awhile and see how it feels?

Could be a couple things. Maybe it's 'cause I've been raised with traditional gender roles. Girls were this way and did this and boys were that way and did that. It was set in stone, no arguing or you're a freak of nature. In my family trans people are considered just delusional gay people. I guess I'm holding on for my familys' acceptance? Trying to stick with the way I was raised (the gender roles part)?
These are possibilities.

I'd say they're pretty good possibilities. Especially if you otherwise have a strong connection with your family or you're living under their roof/dependent on them at the moment.

It really sounds to me like you would be one of those guys who just happened to be into a few things that were typically considered feminine. But it also sounds like you, yourself would need to accept that. I'm sure you consciously know there's nothing really wrong with that, but the upbringing with the specific male and female roles is taking over. Not saying that's totally what's going on, that's just what my thoughts are after reading your posts.