Not all the way

[Pollyanna]

Hey everybody --

So I thought I'd share my experience about this hard road we're on -- no doubt there are others like me out here. But after dealing with dysphoric feelings for decades, being in therapy for months, getting approval not only from her and a local GP to start hormones, but from my wonderful, accepting wife, too ... I have decided to not proceed with a full transition.

It was as if I needed to get everyone out of the way to see how *I* felt about it. And after much reflection, I decided it would be better to experience the dysphoria and deal with it, rather than move into an uncertain, possibly unhappy future.

It sounds a bit cowardly to me to say that, but there are constellations of reasons why -- age and physicality, finances, long term career goals, etc. Also, I realized that I would never again get to lie with my wife and BE with her, and that made me rather unexpectedly sad.

My biggest realization is that there seem to be some of us who are on a continuum -- not all the way, not certain, not in a hurry, but rather tentative. I realized that I have deep tendencies toward gender dysphoria, but not a 100 percent black and white certainty. To transition for me, I realized, would have been like swimming upstream my whole life. It wouldn't have been a complete relief, but rather a permanent decision that I would have faced day in and day out for years -- and possibly regret.

Our present plan is for me to go on a low dosage of E to help me with the dysphoria, but not so much as to create a real physical transformation. Not sure how that's gonna work, but I'll see (and let you know!) ...

So now I'm kinda sad that I may never get to go on that adventure. I'm leaving things open with my family and therapist, etc., that I may change my mind (god knows I'm pretty confused), but right now it feels fairly settled.

So I just wanted to contribute to the conversation that there are some of us out here who feel it, but may (for whatever reasons) never act upon it. Transitioning is not right for everyone, and I seem to be one of those people ...

I'll be around, though ... Much love and respect to you ...

Polly

[Sammy]

Be safe and happy in Your journey! Even Your road is never straight and You never know where it might take an unexpected twist and bring You back to the crossroads of choice...
Oh, and I know how You feel...

[Jamie D]

Polly, each of our jouneys is unique.  Not to worry.

[Joanna Dark]

If you are uncertain about becoming a woman you should not do it. For me, it is black and white and though I have worries about the future, there is no doubt this is the only decision. I have been this way since I was 4 and now I am 30 and it is overwhelming and if I stop, I will die. it really is a transition or die for me. But it's not that way for everyone and you have to do what is right for you. If you don't have to transition, you shouldn't. I kinda wish I didn't have to but I also wish I was just a cis girl. For me there is nothing else that matters. Except my super hot BF, but he won't be with me if I stop transitioning. He prolly wouldn't be with me if I was non-op. He likes the vag and wants me to have one. And I agree.

So just enjoy your new found revelation. I hope everything works out for you. remember though that even a low dose of hormones will feminize you especially if you are older and have lower T.

[Pollyanna]

Thanks for the kind words, everybody ... I know we're all unique and are on our own paths ... took me awhile to figure out where I was, but I think I've got a handle on it now ...

Joanna, thanks for your particularly good advice ... that seed of doubt is what kept me from going full speed ahead ... I envy your clarity and certainty -- in my case, it was a constant teeter-totter of desire, doubt, compulsion, need and fear. So to have your clarity would be a bit of a good thing, I think.

Good call on the 'mones, too. You're right -- we'll see where that goes ...

And let me say this -- just as I decided for myself and for no one else, I would also say to you, please do it only for yourself, not your boyfriend or anyone else. I hope everything works out for you, too!