Spousal input into your name

[MadeleineG]

I'd really appreciate advice on a sticky situation. My wife hates my name.

I chose Madeleine because it (a) sounds very similar to my birth name [bet you can't guess, eh?] and (b) My family have been calling me Matty my whole life, so Maddy shouldn't be too much of a change. I really identify with the names Madeleine and Maddy and have for a long time.

Unfortunately, my wife has two associations with the name: (a) Madeline, the little orphan girl from the stories by Ludwig Bemelmans and (b) her negative shock at my coming out.

She has expressed a strong preference that I rethink my name and my insisting on this name may impact on her ability to accept the transition. She feels that she should have input into/ a veto over my name choice. I don't know if I can do that as it's the only female name I've ever identified with.

Thoughts? Similar experiences?

Maddy

[Nero]

She feels that she should have input into/ a veto over my name choice.

No. She's not the one who has to wear it.

[Devlyn]

I selected Tracey, my friend wrinkled up her nose and said "You don't look like a Tracey." I asked her to think of a name, she came back the next day with Devlyn. Sold! I don't think it would hurt to hear your wife's suggestions. Hugs, Devlyn

[Madison Leigh]

Before I decided to transition I had been cross dressing for a long time (25+ years) and had used the name Rebecca.  When I made the decision to transition I wanted to "start clean" so to speak so I wanted to pick a new name.  I asked my wife and my best friend (my ex-wife as strange as that may or may not be) to come up with some names they liked and I did the same.  We put together a short list of ones that we all liked and I chose one from that.  When push came to shove it was *my* decision, but I wanted and valued their input.

I don't think any of us can "tell you what to do" as no matter how much any of us shares here or elsewhere, nobody else will ever truly know what will make anyone happy as well as they themself will.  I personally valued my wife's *opinion* and frankly I think if she would've had an issue with the name I settled on I would've chosen something else; as Devlyn pointed out sometimes others will have good suggestions (and BTW, I love the name Devlyn).  As was pointed out in another post, *you* do have to "wear the name".  I guess it comes down to how important it is to you - transitioning is a challenge to almost any marriage - so it's really a matter of if this is a battle that is worth winning, and that's a decision that only you can make. 

[Amelia Pond]

My wife hates my name too but Amelia is a name that I really like. With me, she thinks of Amelia Pond (because that's who I named myself after ) and she really hates the character. Honestly, she's my least favorite companion too. *ducks* I went through a few different names that I thought that I'd like before I went with Amelia, she hated those too, but Amelia is the one that I felt fit me. My wife just has to deal with it, after all, it is my name.

Honestly, I think that you should tell your wife to deal with it because it's the name that you most identify with and it's not her name anyways. If she loves you and wants to support you, then it shouldn't be a deal breaker. Besides, she can call you Maddy.

I don't know what the laws are where you live but I know, at least in Arizona, if a person is married and wants to legally change their name, they have to have spousal consent. You may want to check into local laws just so you know what to expect.

Amy

[Robert Scott]

My first name was selected b/c it still had part of my birth name in it ... to show some respect for my parents and the name they selected ... although they have not accepted my transition - they aren't rejecting me - just still calling me by my birth name.

My wife choose my middle name -- so she did have a choice in my name.  I really didn't care what my middle name was and I she is very important to me. She has been my rock and amazing ... so I let her be part of my authentic person

[mrs izzy]

I choose my own name, i would not even think of having then my spouse have anything to do with my name if it was being done official. No way would i want any reminder of her if things went south. Maybe in fun or until i make it official then yes but other then that nope.

Izzy

Just a add to this the name i used came from a 2003 Hurricane. It was how my life felt at the time and happend when i was trying to come to the name i wanted.

[Sephirah]

I'd really appreciate advice on a sticky situation. My wife hates my name.

I chose Madeleine because it (a) sounds very similar to my birth name [bet you can't guess, eh?] and (b) My family have been calling me Matty my whole life, so Maddy shouldn't be too much of a change. I really identify with the names Madeleine and Maddy and have for a long time.

Unfortunately, my wife has two associations with the name: (a) Madeline, the little orphan girl from the stories by Ludwig Bemelmans and (b) her negative shock at my coming out.

She has expressed a strong preference that I rethink my name and my insisting on this name may impact on her ability to accept the transition. She feels that she should have input into/ a veto over my name choice. I don't know if I can do that as it's the only female name I've ever identified with.

Thoughts? Similar experiences?

Maddy

A name is a very personal thing. Especially when you have the opportunity to choose one yourself, as opposed to living with the one you were born with. In such a case you have perhaps the only opportunity to select for yourself one which means something to you. One which you can feel comfortable with, at home with, one which you feel fits you.

I think in this situation you have to weigh up which is preferable... having a name which will make someone else happy to address you by, or having one which will make you happy having everyone else address you by.

End of the day, who is all this for? That's the question. If you start compromising yourself and what you want for yourself, then where does it end?

Really though, if you feel you can't do it, I think you should explain why you feel that way, rather than just giving a flat out "no". I mean, from your post it seems reasonable that you want to be addressed by the name you really identify with. And maybe there's something else your wife can have input on instead, since perhaps that may be her not-so-subtle way of saying she wants an active part in your transition.

[MadeleineG]

I really appreciate everyone's input. I was trying to walk that delicate balance between asserting my needs and not trampling those of my wife.

I was frank with her (retrospect says: maybe a little too bluntly). I explained that Madeleine is the only name I want and I consider it my name henceforth.

∀x{Me(x) → Madeleine(x)}

That being said, I said that if she can't bring herself to call me Madeleine (or Maddy, which she can't for other, more complicated reasons), that she was welcome to pet name it as she chooses. She's decided to call me "M", which I can live with. I think we've found detente with this issue.

Maddy (and proud of it)

[Beth Andrea]

My ex's only input was, "No, no, annnnnd...NO."

My (unspoken) response was, "Your thoughts are duly NOted..."   

Seriously, I did float the middle and last name by her, she was ok with my middle (femme version of my original male middle name), but the last was a no-go. (My first name I simply told her, "My name is Beth", matter-of-factly, no debate on it.)

Oh well, it's my life, my name change. I'm happy with it now.

[MadeleineG]

I haven't settled on middle names yet. I'm fond of Naomi but open to alternatives. Inviting SO's input here seems the conciliatory move.

Maddy

[Sephirah]

My ex's only input was, "No, no, annnnnd...NO."

So she saw you as Lady Nö instead, hmm?

Nō was said to be extremely intelligent and stunningly beautiful. At their wedding, Nobunaga described her as having "the mind of a genius and the appearance of a goddess."

Well, I like Beth, too.

[Beth Andrea]

I like your kissy-lips sig...

[Soren]

I haven't settled on middle names yet. I'm fond of Naomi but open to alternatives. Inviting SO's input here seems the conciliatory move.

Maddy

You might want to consider a middle name with fewer syllables. I don't know what your last name is, but your first and middle a kind of a mouthful.