I finally decided what I am...

[Gray Seraph]

Today I was finally able to fully accept that I am truly TS(MTF). What a difference one day makes. When I first came here to these forums I was still unsure where I actually stood, but thanks to all the nice/supportive people here, I was finally able to decide/come to terms. It feels good to finally accept what I ran from at the age of 15, like a weights been lifted off my mind.

I've decided my happiness comes first, not the happiness of my family, like I thought for so long. I originally repressed my secret for the sake of my mother when I was 15, and subconsciously before I was 15 to some extent( at that time all I knew was I was different.) It's caused me a great deal of pain over these years, and I can't take it any longer.

I even think I can confront my psychiatrist now, I just want to get on with my life, and achieve some happiness. I even have a pretty clear idea of how to start the conversation now. The only thing holding me back was fear, I'm done being afraid. It's not really as big a deal as my mind made it out to be. I was also afraid she'd try to convince me otherwise, but If I already know what I am I can't be swayed. By waiting any longer I'm only hurting myself. All that's left is to call her and set up an appointment, and I hope I don't chicken out when I see her.

I think my only real block was being able to accept that I am TS. I think this is what the people here were trying to get me to see, and they were right that I shouldn't be afraid to tell my psychiatrist. So thanks everyone .

Telling my mother on the other hand, might take significantly more time/planning though, as that is a situation that needs to be handled carefully. Approaching it in the wrong way could damage my relationship with my mother. She was supportive when I told her about my social anxiety, but this is a bombshell compared to that. It's inevitable that I have to tell her if I want to seek a out specialist/therapist, and eventually get on HRT. Hopefully telling my doctor will help, along with these forums. Any good advice on dealing with my mother without hurting her too much?

I think I'd get pretty good results on HRT, maybe not as good as I could've 10 years ago.
Overall my body is pretty androgynous in shape, right down to my my index and ring fingers being the same length. My face isn't all that masculine besides facial  hair( in the past that's how I hid the fact that my face wasn't very masculine), but that's fixable . It's almost like my mind limited the effects of testosterone over all these years to some extent on my body, like it was preparing for this.

I'm only about 5ft 8in tall, have a relatively small frame/build( being born premature helped there a bit) and my Waist to Hip ratio is already about 83-84%( 3-4% away from the ideal androgynous ratio actually) from my fat distribution being a little more towards feminine side( seems to be getting more like it lately). My hands are on the small side for a male, but my feet are size 11, which pushes the limit a bit. I also have some gynectomastia on my right side, and to a lesser extent on the left.

I'll probably be 26-27 by the time I actually get on HRT(depending on how long my next step takes), do you think I'd be able to get good results?

Anyways, It's time to liberate "Marciel", after 10 years of waiting. She's been in my self constructed cage for long enough.

~Gray Seraph/ Marciel
Since I've finally decided, I don't think gray seraph is a suitable name anymore. So I changed it.

[Kara]

Glad to hear that. We are kind of in the same boat. I am 25. The only difference is that I have told my mother. I swear, as hard as dealing with family seems, the finances are the only real doubt that I have about the entire thing.

Good luck on your walk.

[Gray Seraph]

     I think I may be blowing it out of proportion with my mother, it might freak her out at first, but I don't think she'd push me away. This is one of those things parents dread hearing their own child say. It makes them think they somehow failed to raise you right.
If she wants to blame someone it should be my father, since he bailed on his responsibilities as a father when I was 4 or 5(though he wasn't there much before that either). I only saw him once a year until high school started, then he just stopped altogether. I never really learned how to be a guy, because I didn't have anyone to teach me how. Though it may not have made any difference, if this was determined before birth by hormones( my equal index/ring finger length may suggest this) or other factors.

     I'm not sure how the whole is going to work for me financially either. Several people suggest getting facial hair removed first but that's a bit too expensive right now. I could probably just barely afford therapy and HRT since I don't have insurance, but it would help me if I could get the support of my mother. I probably won't be able to get something like SRS for a really long time though, I don't know why it has to be so expensive.

     I'm going to have to make a lot of sacrifices in the future if I expect to get what I want in a reasonable amount of time. All I know is that Theres no way in hell I can go back to living the way I have been now. It wasn't even really much of a life. It was just too cold and lonely living as an empty shell of myself. I spent a lot of those days just wishing that death would come to me and end my pitiful existence. I just hope I can make it all work out somehow, because I don't want to look back at the bleak world I created.

     I just wish there were some pill you could take one time and transform overnight into the opposite gender, but I'm sure most of the people here do as well. Unfortunately this is the real world, so that's unlikely. Instead we have to undergo a long,hard, and expensive journey just to fix the mistakes nature made.

Kara, when did you first realize you were TS?

Anyways, good luck to you as well.

~Marciel

[Kate]

I just wish there were some pill you could take one time and transform overnight into the opposite gender, but I'm sure most of the people here do as well. Unfortunately this is the real world, so that's unlikely. Instead we have to undergo a long,hard, and expensive journey just to fix the mistakes nature made.

There is an upside to it... you'll learn things about yourself, people and society that few others can even imagine. You'll end up so well-grounded in who you are, that NO ONE will ever be able to shake that confidence. You'll learn to accept yourself, all of it, good and bad... which to me seems to be THE key to enjoying this "life" thing.

~Kate~

[Gray Seraph]

Your right that it will be a learning experience, not everyone gets to see what life is like on both sides. There's no doubt that I'll probably end up stronger when I'm done. Maybe I'll even find that happiness I've been so desperately seeking my whole life.

Until recently I didn't really even know myself that well, because I was in heavy denial of the truth. So I only saw what I wanted to see.
I ran, but you can't run forever, things just have a way of catching up to you in time.

~Marciel

[Sandi]

Good for you Marciel. Unfortunately I waited until the autumn of my life to accept that I was TS, but late beats never, and living in the shadows.

I wish you happiness in your new life, most of it is still ahead of you.

[Gray Seraph]

Thanks,
I never thought I'd come to the day that I'd realize it, but here I am.
I hope I can find happiness on this path, and live my life for once.

All I know is it's not there on the path that I'd been taking. The funny thing is that path actually scares me more now than the new path ahead of me did when I first came here.

~Marciel

[Kate]

All I know is it's not there on the path that I'd been taking. The funny thing is that path actually scares me more now than the new path ahead of me did when I first came here.

"All I know is if I stay here like this, I will die here like this." - A journal entry of mine when I started all this.

~Kate~

[Gray Seraph]

"All I know is if I stay here like this, I will die here like this." - A journal entry of mine when I started all this.

~Kate~

I probably would've died by my own hands eventually if I stayed on my old path for too long, I know the potential exists.
My thinking was more pessimistic/suicidal before, but now I'm just looking forward to giving my new path a try.

Hope for the future is a nice thing to have, especially when I'd pretty much given up all hope.

[Laura Eva B]

Marciel, I wish you the best but I really find that "avatar" pic so sooo offensive ....

Is that really the image of the woman you want to be (an absolute male wet dream) ?

Laura x

[Kara]

 

Kara, when did you first realize you were TS?

Anyways, good luck to you as well.

~Marciel

I was about 20 when I put a name to it and 24 when I decided to do somthing about it. It was kind of like the way that they describe young Wizards in the Harry Potter books. There were strange feelings and weird happening throughout childhood that I could never explain, but when I took an honest look back, they all pointed to the same thing. I have been Depressed my entire life. It just became a part of life. That is why I never really cared enough to search my feelings untill I was 24. Not to mention that I had a place in my head that I spent most of my childhood in. In that place, I was first female, and later after a bit of shame, a male who acted rather female but was accepted. I really spen so much of my life escaping that I figured that there was no point to thinking about being female in real life. "people in hell want ice water" I said to myself. I also figured that I would just kill myself at some point. That gave me temporary peace but eventually I just felt like I needed to fix this. Like, why the hell not?

[Gray Seraph]

Marciel, I wish you the best but I really find that "avatar" pic so sooo offensive ....

Is that really the image of the woman you want to be (an absolute male wet dream) ?

Laura x

I'm sorry, that's probably not the best picture thinking about it. I'll switch it to a temporary one, because if one person finds it offensive, it's a pretty good bet that others do too. I have a better one to use I just need to add some color.

----------------------edit---------------------
There I finished with it, this is similar to how "Marciel" looked the first time I saw her, with the blue robe. I quickly sketched this one out and added color, but it's been awhile since I've done any illustrations.

again sorry if my previous avatar offended anyone. I probably shouldn't have used an old illustration to begin with

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I called my psychiatrist this morning but got her voice mail, now I'm just waiting for her to call back so I can schedule an appointment. I'm really planning on going through with it, though.

I've got it all planned out in my head now, so it's up to me to stay strong and not chicken out at the last minute.

I was about 20 when I put a name to it and 24 when I decided to do somthing about it. It was kind of like the way that they describe young Wizards in the Harry Potter books. There were strange feelings and weird happening throughout childhood that I could never explain, but when I took an honest look back, they all pointed to the same thing. I have been Depressed my entire life. It just became a part of life. That is why I never really cared enough to search my feelings untill I was 24. Not to mention that I had a place in my head that I spent most of my childhood in. In that place, I was first female, and later after a bit of shame, a male who acted rather female but was accepted. I really spen so much of my life escaping that I figured that there was no point to thinking about being female in real life. "people in hell want ice water" I said to myself. I also figured that I would just kill myself at some point. That gave me temporary peace but eventually I just felt like I needed to fix this. Like, why the hell not?

Well I assume you didn't actually attempt to kill yourself. At least It only took you 4 years to accept what you are though once you found out compared to my 10 years after I originally found out. The one thing I know is the longer I avoided it the worse I ended up psychologically.

The closest I could ever really came to masculine is androgynous( trying my hardest to repress my feminine side), where I spent most of my life after 15. My life was better until about 5, because at that time it didn't matter how I acted. I never really liked my masculine side as it always seemed like it was incomplete and made up just to hide behind.  So that made it even more painful to repress my true self. Over the years it wasn't like I ever really forgot, but I just refused to acknowledge it, so it was almost the same thing.