Relationship with your transgender child or sibling.

[Ltl89]

Hello Everyone,

Forgive me for infiltrating the SO board as I am transgender, but I think my question is suited to those aren't transgender themselves.  I was curious how you dealt with your loved ones transition.  How did you react to their coming out?  If it was tough, was their anything your loved one could do to ease the pain or at least make it easier for you.  Do you have any suggestions for family members who are currently struggling to accept their transgender family members identity?  And is there anything you wish those of us who are transitioning could know, understand, or respect? Lastly, is there anything you would say to those who are  currently afraid for their loved ones  future and the stability of the family?  Thank you for any thoughts you may have.

P.S.  I am sorry to post in this forum, but I want to hear from Significant Other's only as a way to learn your individual perspective. Thank you.

[prettypoly86]

When my SO came out to me , I felt elated,  giddy.  I knew she was trusting me with this, and was thrilled she was taking steps to be the happiest person she could be.  We talked a fair bit that first night.   Accepting that this change was happening,  and is going to be a part of my reality as her partner, that was the easy part.

The tough part comes mostly from me.  In the days that came after,  my head ran every scenario that it could come up with of things going wrong.  By wrong, I mean my relationship going completely bonkers, either by splitting up,  or my family finding out and taking my kids away.  She was great during this period, gently reassuring me, and if I upset her (unintentionally), she has yet to mention it.

As far as advice for others learning to accept and support,  I don't know if I have advice.  I am very open-minded, and to me, her transition is just her becoming the beautiful butterfly she always knew she should be.  I suppose my advice would be to remember that everyone has the right to live their own life, and our job as family/loved ones is to support that right as wholeheartedly as possible.  If that isn't possible, I would recommend that loved ones seek understanding through counseling.  And with those afraid for their family's stability and future, I would tell them not to be. Your future might involve transitioning,  but it could just as easily involve a car wreck, a debilitating injury or illness....the future, and therefore stability, are not guaranteed.

As far as advice to those transitioning, it would be to remember that while you have been coming to your realization and discovery for years, your loved one has known for days, hours, etc.  As happy as I was for my SO, I was overwhelmed by talk of hormones,  and hair removal, and surgery, and rights and laws....everything.  Even clothes and hair, it was too much.  Between that and my head being insecure, I was downright miserable.  With all of that,  I was so happy that she was happy, and so afraid that if I told her to chill that it would be taken as me rejecting her.  I ended up having a huge cry, and we talked everything out and have a better understanding,  but that would be my tale of caution.

I hope my ramblings have helped some...and I wouldn't worry too much about reaching out here.  I think it's great that you want to understand our side of it too

[Ltl89]

When my SO came out to me , I felt elated,  giddy.  I knew she was trusting me with this, and was thrilled she was taking steps to be the happiest person she could be.  We talked a fair bit that first night.   Accepting that this change was happening,  and is going to be a part of my reality as her partner, that was the easy part.

The tough part comes mostly from me.  In the days that came after,  my head ran every scenario that it could come up with of things going wrong.  By wrong, I mean my relationship going completely bonkers, either by splitting up,  or my family finding out and taking my kids away.  She was great during this period, gently reassuring me, and if I upset her (unintentionally), she has yet to mention it.

As far as advice for others learning to accept and support,  I don't know if I have advice.  I am very open-minded, and to me, her transition is just her becoming the beautiful butterfly she always knew she should be.  I suppose my advice would be to remember that everyone has the right to live their own life, and our job as family/loved ones is to support that right as wholeheartedly as possible.  If that isn't possible, I would recommend that loved ones seek understanding through counseling.  And with those afraid for their family's stability and future, I would tell them not to be. Your future might involve transitioning,  but it could just as easily involve a car wreck, a debilitating injury or illness....the future, and therefore stability, are not guaranteed.

As far as advice to those transitioning, it would be to remember that while you have been coming to your realization and discovery for years, your loved one has known for days, hours, etc.  As happy as I was for my SO, I was overwhelmed by talk of hormones,  and hair removal, and surgery, and rights and laws....everything.  Even clothes and hair, it was too much.  Between that and my head being insecure, I was downright miserable.  With all of that,  I was so happy that she was happy, and so afraid that if I told her to chill that it would be taken as me rejecting her.  I ended up having a huge cry, and we talked everything out and have a better understanding,  but that would be my tale of caution.

I hope my ramblings have helped some...and I wouldn't worry too much about reaching out here.  I think it's great that you want to understand our side of it too

Thank you so much for the reply.

I really appreciate hearing from your side of it.  I agree that I need to keep in mind that it is still all new for them and the talk of transitioning in general can be overwhelming.   Was there anything that your SO did to make it less intimidating to you?

[prettypoly86]

Really, we talked.  I vocalized my fears and insecurities,  and she a)reassured me that my feelings and fears were valid, and b) just helped me take baby steps until I. as okay again.  If talking about growing out hair started to get to me, she would stop for a bit.  Eventually, I would even back out and we were good.  I also used the internet.....lots and lots of internet.  I tend to research new things until I can't see anymore, and this helps me.  The more I understand about something, the more comfortable I am. 

I also have a wonderful group of friends that gently reminded me that for someone newly out ( be it lesbian, gay, transgender, etc) it isn't uncommon to go through a "barfing rainbows and unicorns" phase.  After that conversation,  it was easier to remember that her fascination with completely illogical dresses,  or purple eyeshadow, or talking about breast forms- all of those things she could talk about now when before she had to hold it all in.  And best of all, she is talking about it with me....that's trust and love to the nth degree, in my mind.



So, to bring it back around to your question, the biggest thing she did was give me time and understanding.  And she still does.  She came out in April of this year, so we have had a bit of time to figure out how to go about this without driving each other crazy.

[Ltl89]

Really, we talked.  I vocalized my fears and insecurities,  and she a)reassured me that my feelings and fears were valid, and b) just helped me take baby steps until I. as okay again.  If talking about growing out hair started to get to me, she would stop for a bit.  Eventually, I would even back out and we were good.  I also used the internet.....lots and lots of internet.  I tend to research new things until I can't see anymore, and this helps me.  The more I understand about something, the more comfortable I am. 

I also have a wonderful group of friends that gently reminded me that for someone newly out ( be it lesbian, gay, transgender, etc) it isn't uncommon to go through a "barfing rainbows and unicorns" phase.  After that conversation,  it was easier to remember that her fascination with completely illogical dresses,  or purple eyeshadow, or talking about breast forms- all of those things she could talk about now when before she had to hold it all in.  And best of all, she is talking about it with me....that's trust and love to the nth degree, in my mind.



So, to bring it back around to your question, the biggest thing she did was give me time and understanding.  And she still does.  She came out in April of this year, so we have had a bit of time to figure out how to go about this without driving each other crazy.

Thanks for the reply.

I see what you mean about time.  My mom always asks for me to stop for a little, but I'm so glad to finally be on hormones I don't want to wait any longer.  I'm trying to balance my transition so it isn't too rapid, but I don't want to hold myself back either.  I'm trying to respect where she is, so I don't dress in the house, ask for correct pronoun usage and keep the old me as much in tact.  However, I don't want to stop growing my hair or taking hormones.  I suppose we have to find a balance that works for the both of us. 

[prettypoly86]

It is definitely a give and take on both ends, but some things aren't negotiable.  I don't think that you should have to stop growing your hair or stop hormones.  To me, even requesting your mom to at least try to use the correct pronouns wouldn't be too much to ask.  You have every right to take control of your emotional and mental well-being, and to request just a bit of respect.
At some point in time, your mom will have to stop asking you to stop.  If she cannot respect and understand that this is your reality, then you may have to reevaluate your relationship.  It isn't easy to do that, it took me 26 years to get up the courage to tell my mother that she was a toxic person in my life, but it took doing that for my mom to realize that I wasn't joking about my life (poly, pansexual) and to back off lecturing me, and give me just a bit of the support I needed.

I wish you all the luck with your mom, and I hope she can turn into your greatest supporter.  If not, I hope you have a great network of people who support and build you up (besides here, of course. )

[blueconstancy]

I don't have much time to talk today, but basically reading back through existing my posts should give you a lot of what you hoped for.

Summary : Respect what your loved ones need and try to compromise if necessary; most important thing I wish I could tell people is that a relationship (family, romance, etc.) CAN be preserved if both sides work on it.

[Crackpot]

My SO came out to me about 6 years ago but hasn't started transitioning until recently. When he (male pronouns still preferred) first brought it up I was vaguely familiar with the concept and supported it, but was very unfamiliar with the actual process. So I did a lot of research at first. Then he told me he decided not to transition for family reasons. It was his choice and I respected it but always in the back of my mind I didn't believe it was the end of it. So in January when he brought it back up again I was so happy for him. It was always one of those things that even though we were living our lives, got married, bought a house, talking about kids, there always seemed to be something keeping him from full on happiness. It may just be my imagination, but every little step toward it seems to lift a little of that weight off him and it warms my heart.

[Ltl89]

It is definitely a give and take on both ends, but some things aren't negotiable.  I don't think that you should have to stop growing your hair or stop hormones.  To me, even requesting your mom to at least try to use the correct pronouns wouldn't be too much to ask.  You have every right to take control of your emotional and mental well-being, and to request just a bit of respect.
At some point in time, your mom will have to stop asking you to stop.  If she cannot respect and understand that this is your reality, then you may have to reevaluate your relationship.  It isn't easy to do that, it took me 26 years to get up the courage to tell my mother that she was a toxic person in my life, but it took doing that for my mom to realize that I wasn't joking about my life (poly, pansexual) and to back off lecturing me, and give me just a bit of the support I needed.

I wish you all the luck with your mom, and I hope she can turn into your greatest supporter.  If not, I hope you have a great network of people who support and build you up (besides here, of course. )

Oh I know it shouldn't be a big deal to ask for the pronouns to change, but it is right now.  I think this is part of the comprise on my end.  I have made no mention about her calling me she,her or her daughter.  I think that step is way to radical at this moment in time.  Though the hormones and the hair isn't up for debate.

I don't have much time to talk today, but basically reading back through existing my posts should give you a lot of what you hoped for.

Summary : Respect what your loved ones need and try to compromise if necessary; most important thing I wish I could tell people is that a relationship (family, romance, etc.) CAN be preserved if both sides work on it.

Yeah, I would like to find a comprise.  The problem is finding it.  For them, it is to stop all together.  For me, it is to move slowly but to ultimately go through a full transition.  They are getting better so maybe their view will change. 

My SO came out to me about 6 years ago but hasn't started transitioning until recently. When he (male pronouns still preferred) first brought it up I was vaguely familiar with the concept and supported it, but was very unfamiliar with the actual process. So I did a lot of research at first. Then he told me he decided not to transition for family reasons. It was his choice and I respected it but always in the back of my mind I didn't believe it was the end of it. So in January when he brought it back up again I was so happy for him. It was always one of those things that even though we were living our lives, got married, bought a house, talking about kids, there always seemed to be something keeping him from full on happiness. It may just be my imagination, but every little step toward it seems to lift a little of that weight off him and it warms my heart.

Aww, that was a cute story.  I hope my family will be able to feel happy and excited for me once they start getting used to it. 

[blueconstancy]

That does sound as if it doesn't leave much room for compromise. Hopefully they'll come around, because I don't consider it a compromise if you NEVER make any steps towards transition. I more had in mind that, for example, my wife waited for HRT until I'd been to her therapist with her to talk about it (not that that did much good, but it also only postponed things a couple weeks).

I know my wife accepted wrong name/pronouns from her parents for about two years... because they were otherwise 100% supportive and even gave her money towards transition. Of course, she'd also had waist-length hair since high school, so they were adapted to that (I won't say I adjusted, b/c I *loved* her hair all along); it's a shame your parents are still fussing about it!

[Ltl89]

That does sound as if it doesn't leave much room for compromise. Hopefully they'll come around, because I don't consider it a compromise if you NEVER make any steps towards transition. I more had in mind that, for example, my wife waited for HRT until I'd been to her therapist with her to talk about it (not that that did much good, but it also only postponed things a couple weeks).

I know my wife accepted wrong name/pronouns from her parents for about two years... because they were otherwise 100% supportive and even gave her money towards transition. Of course, she'd also had waist-length hair since high school, so they were adapted to that (I won't say I adjusted, b/c I *loved* her hair all along); it's a shame your parents are still fussing about it!

They're not all bad.  They just need time to grieve and learn to cope.  Things are slowly improving, so I'm hoping to get them there one day.  As of now, I just want to find ways to make it as easy as possible for them by finding the proper balance.  For example, my mom was calling me her boy playfully this morning, and I let it go instead of asking her to stop. 

[blueconstancy]

I'm glad that they do seem to be making progress; that's really promising.

In general, I think you have the right idea bout "picking your battles" - you should never be expected to tolerate things which actually hurt you, but stuff which just annoys you is probably not the top priority until they've adjusted some.

[Anne Marie]

only thing one has to do is prepare for the worst , and hope for the best , if you can handle the fact of being totally alone , and I mean alone and you are ok with it, then any one that stands by you is a huge plus , Betty Davis said , getting old aint for sissys  , well neither is transition ! you gotta be tough , but also have a sense of humor about the whole thing , I was lucky with friends and family , the one person in my life I did not want to lose was my brother , he is my best friend , and still is to this day , we talk every single day gotta love a bro like that !! . but you need to give people time to grieve

[bunnymom]

They're not all bad.  They just need time to grieve and learn to cope.  Things are slowly improving, so I'm hoping to get them there one day.  As of now, I just want to find ways to make it as easy as possible for them by finding the proper balance.  For example, my mom was calling me her boy playfully this morning, and I let it go instead of asking her to stop.

I am a Mom just learning (less than a week) what my child, now 19 has been struggling with. When her boyfriend straight-up told me she doesn't wish to be called her given name, nor referred to in masculine pronoun, well that immediately put me on the defensive.
I stated that was something my "kid" and I would have to work on together. It is a sticking point. I fear the use of a new name is an escape to a fantasy world and disrespectful to me, the very best ally my child has ever had or ever will have. I use the female pronoun as place appropriate. I call her by the feminine pronoun when she is with me as 'herself'. As for name. I hate it. I personally was given a masculine name and have lived with it all my life. I have actually seen her birthname used by girls. At the very least, I could still comfortably use the first initial.
Sorry, this is a difficult adjustment for us all. The birth of my only child was never a mistake. When that child was loaded with certain expectations, that was the mistake, when she knew that she wouldn't meet all those expectations. But the person she IS and will always be, my child, is not unworthy of the name she had at birth. Much like me. So my frustration comes from a different perspective than most.
For her to say she wishes to shed the old identity, is illogical to me Because of her childhood discomfort and fears, that name had no set identity of masculine roles, not in this family or community. That "old identity" was socially unavailable and empty. I would like to see her pour her real identity into her name and wear it as proudly as never before.
This will be a problem for a while, but I do not believe it should be a wrench in the works. I have all the room in my heart for her that any Mother ever could. I know I am her biggest supporter. My child means more to me than anything in the universe. For her to take away my identity as her Mom for more than 19 years is more cruel than I deserve.
Please forgive me if this sounds harsh, but I am raw from feeling I could not help all these years before. I feel changing history is not part of transition or forward movement.
Other than that. I will be here to stand by her side and hold her hand when its dark and scary.

[NikkiTheWife]

My partner didnt really come out to me, it just sort of... happened. She used to wear my clothes when we were younger and she always seemed feminine. I first saw the word 'trans' from her when we were in a LGBT friendly chat room together that we went in a lot as teenagers. It didn't really slip me up or anything, I was just sort of like "ok, well that's what we'll call her" but she was never not her from the beginning.

Fortunately for us, all the parents/siblings/friends, etc. we've told so far are supportive. I do worry about telling my parents that my "husband" is really my wife.

One of the best and most helpful things I've used to help tell people in my life is to think about that fact that body parts don't make a person. I wouldn't love my partner any less if she was a cismale who, through illness or accident, lost the use of 'his' genitals, so obviously its not the genitals I care about, its the person. That analogy might not be for everyone, but I think it might help with the people on the very outside, who are very unaware of the trans community or trans issues.

Probably my biggest concern is how other people will treat my partner when she starts dressing female in public. Remember that when you come out to people some of their concern/upset will probably be for you. They might worry how you are, how you will cope, and how people will treat you, so don't be surprised or instantly hurt by a negative reaction. Tears arn't always bad.

Of course, there are people out there who will never accept certain things, and unfortunately theres nothing we can do about it. What we can do though is reach out to the amazing community full of lots of wonderful people who will accept you as the awesome person you are.

[Crackpot]

I am a Mom just learning (less than a week) what my child, now 19 has been struggling with. When her boyfriend straight-up told me she doesn't wish to be called her given name, nor referred to in masculine pronoun, well that immediately put me on the defensive.
I stated that was something my "kid" and I would have to work on together. It is a sticking point. I fear the use of a new name is an escape to a fantasy world and disrespectful to me, the very best ally my child has ever had or ever will have. I use the female pronoun as place appropriate. I call her by the feminine pronoun when she is with me as 'herself'. As for name. I hate it. I personally was given a masculine name and have lived with it all my life. I have actually seen her birthname used by girls. At the very least, I could still comfortably use the first initial.
Sorry, this is a difficult adjustment for us all. The birth of my only child was never a mistake. When that child was loaded with certain expectations, that was the mistake, when she knew that she wouldn't meet all those expectations. But the person she IS and will always be, my child, is not unworthy of the name she had at birth. Much like me. So my frustration comes from a different perspective than most.
For her to say she wishes to shed the old identity, is illogical to me Because of her childhood discomfort and fears, that name had no set identity of masculine roles, not in this family or community. That "old identity" was socially unavailable and empty. I would like to see her pour her real identity into her name and wear it as proudly as never before.
This will be a problem for a while, but I do not believe it should be a wrench in the works. I have all the room in my heart for her that any Mother ever could. I know I am her biggest supporter. My child means more to me than anything in the universe. For her to take away my identity as her Mom for more than 19 years is more cruel than I deserve.
Please forgive me if this sounds harsh, but I am raw from feeling I could not help all these years before. I feel changing history is not part of transition or forward movement.
Other than that. I will be here to stand by her side and hold her hand when its dark and scary.

It's very interesting to see a parent's prospective here. So far in my wandering through the board I've seen lots of SOs but no parents. Your child is lucky to have a supportive mother, even if you don't agree on all of her choices. You have the right to disagree, but like you said it shouldn't drive you apart.

[LordKAT]

What is in a name? It is a label, a title, something for others to use to denote who they are speaking to. I know it feels like she is escaping from her past but more likely she is trying to embrace who she is without people seeing who she seemed to be in the past. If the name is a gendered name, as most are, then a name change is important to how people will respond to her. It is not a cut to the name you gave.

The name my parents gave me was a good name and I like it. It doesn't fit who I am or how people perceive me to be so needed to be changed.

I am glad you are there for her and hope you can understand some of what she is dealing with.

[Ltl89]

I am a Mom just learning (less than a week) what my child, now 19 has been struggling with. When her boyfriend straight-up told me she doesn't wish to be called her given name, nor referred to in masculine pronoun, well that immediately put me on the defensive.
I stated that was something my "kid" and I would have to work on together. It is a sticking point. I fear the use of a new name is an escape to a fantasy world and disrespectful to me, the very best ally my child has ever had or ever will have. I use the female pronoun as place appropriate. I call her by the feminine pronoun when she is with me as 'herself'. As for name. I hate it. I personally was given a masculine name and have lived with it all my life. I have actually seen her birthname used by girls. At the very least, I could still comfortably use the first initial.
Sorry, this is a difficult adjustment for us all. The birth of my only child was never a mistake. When that child was loaded with certain expectations, that was the mistake, when she knew that she wouldn't meet all those expectations. But the person she IS and will always be, my child, is not unworthy of the name she had at birth. Much like me. So my frustration comes from a different perspective than most.
For her to say she wishes to shed the old identity, is illogical to me Because of her childhood discomfort and fears, that name had no set identity of masculine roles, not in this family or community. That "old identity" was socially unavailable and empty. I would like to see her pour her real identity into her name and wear it as proudly as never before.
This will be a problem for a while, but I do not believe it should be a wrench in the works. I have all the room in my heart for her that any Mother ever could. I know I am her biggest supporter. My child means more to me than anything in the universe. For her to take away my identity as her Mom for more than 19 years is more cruel than I deserve.
Please forgive me if this sounds harsh, but I am raw from feeling I could not help all these years before. I feel changing history is not part of transition or forward movement.
Other than that. I will be here to stand by her side and hold her hand when its dark and scary.

This is something my mom says to me, so I can relate with what you are saying.  However, I would suggest you try to see it from her perspective as well.  We don't choose to be this way.  It's really not something any of us would have chosen if we had a say in the manner.  The changes she is making is not a rejection of her past, but rather her embracing who she is.  And you will always be her mom and she will always be your child.  Pronouns, name changes and appearance shifts will never change that.  It's a major shock and I can understand why you are hurting.  You have the right to feel that pain.  I would only suggest you try to see her pain as well and realize why she is doing this.