MTF Confusion (The Decision)

[Priestess]

i actually never thought it'd come to me ever feeling this way about myself but i feel like the gender i was born doesn't fit who i am and how i want to act !

for the past 6 months i have had this urging feeling that i'm suppose to be a girl and i can't stop the thoughts !
people always use to pick on me for being feminine for a guy but my Mom always ensured me it was just because i was raised only by a Woman .
i also found it off putting that i only seemed to connect with females and far as male friends, i didn't have much to say or know what to talk about ._. .

basically, the only male friends i have is from the sports i play but it's like i have to communicate with them to be a good team x3 .
besides just what people say about me i do also feel like i should be a female; from my interest to my emotional being !
i just honestly don't want to jump to conclusions that this definitely is what is going on with me .

could this actually be a stage i'm going through or would it of wavered by now?
imo, it seems it's only getting stronger (the urge to be a female) and hard to recess  /: ..

to calm this urge, i decided to order a wig off of a site in China and gather some make-up to see how i looked as a female; at least as close as i could get without actually being one !
once i got to see myself as female, it subsided my urge a little but the more i lingered on the images of what i looked like, it haunted me even more ._. ..

here are some pictures of me dressed up (do you think HRT would be rite for me if decided; could i be a passable female?) ! :
   
continuing the story, another baffling situation to this already confusing feeling is i have a girlfriend i'm so in love with !
there is no way i'm attracted to men what so ever and even with this feeling of wanting to be female, i'm still very attracted and in love with her c: .
i couldn't see myself without her, ya knoe?

she actually knoes about this whole feeling of mine and is completely understanding of me dressing up so i can recess the feeling a bit more...
but something tells me she wouldn't stay with me if i told her that i wanted to become a female ...
i just feel like i'd rather stay the way i am than lose who i feel is my soul mate T~T .

that actually made me tear up just thinking about it >__<...
and yes, i am pretty young to be thinking about this whole process and to feel i found my soul mate but i really don't want to lose her .
she is the only thing that keeps me sane and life enjoyable :C .

i just don't know what to do cause so many factors playing into my decision ...


Far as the science of the whole process, i don't knoe how well the hormones would actually work on me if i did start taking them; let alone how to go about see the right Dr. to guide me !

if i was to profile myself, i'm about 5'9 to 5'11 (i'm not sure honestly because people say they're one height so when i compare myself, it's confusing ._.)
i'm very thin: Weighing 130-135
pretty feminine features as it is (Cheek Bones, Jaw Structure and Lips)
i'm always mistaken for 13 to 14 for some odd reason .


any replies/help males gone through the transformation and/or just starting out, would be greatly appreciated !
it makes me feel so anxious and sickly thinking of all these things; which is basically every moment i'm awake and even sometimes i dream about it ._. ..

[Priestess]

i posted this in a section before but i think it may of been the wrong section...
sorry c: .

[Sammy]

Upbringing has nothing to do with being trans - though it might increase the feelings, as well as add general confusion. It is very popular actually to blame upbringing or lack of strong paternal figure in the childhood. It is not always the case. However, given Your current state of confusion, as well as the fact that You came to this board and posted Your picture openly - for me it means You are pretty much getting on verge now and feel like You need to act - but You must seek professional help first. Finding a therapist (gender therapist or at least specialised) and discussing Your feelings and previous life experience.

P.S. And please do not use that font I know it is cute and such, but it really makes my eyes hurt .

P.P.S. I dont want to encourage You, but the HRT might have excellent results on You.

[Priestess]

Upbringing has nothing to do with being trans - though it might increase the feelings, as well as add general confusion. It is very popular actually to blame upbringing or lack of strong paternal figure in the childhood. It is not always the case. However, given Your current state of confusion, as well as the fact that You came to this board and posted Your picture openly - for me it means You are pretty much getting on verge now and feel like You need to act - but You must seek professional help first. Finding a therapist (gender therapist or at least specialised) and discussing Your feelings and previous life experience.

P.S. And please do not use that font I know it is cute and such, but it really makes my eyes hurt .

P.P.S. I dont want to encourage You, but the HRT might have excellent results on You.

when she said that, it felt like an excuse to me so what you're saying is reassuring c: .

yeahh; i openly posted it cause it's really a big demon i'm facing rite now and need the best advice possible is all /: .

i do feel like i need to act/decide on what i want to do; it's like you read my mind ! O-O
mkay; i'll look into those things online around my area .

sorry for hurting your eyes x3 .

and thanks !
it actually gave me sense of ease atm ..
probably a common sense questions but since me living in a rural area, would be harder to find therapist/Doctors that specialize in this ?

[Sammy]

You will need to do some online search or try posting Your approximate location so other might help with advices. Since You are very young, You probably will need Your mother's support - at least financial - to pay for therapy, so that is another thing to be sorted out.
And yes, it is ok to love females, in fact, A LOT of MtF are into females, but this might have an unexpected twist when You start the HRT. Estrogen really has its ways to mess with our brains, so turning bi or straight female is not unheard of. In fact, it happens quite often .
It is also very possible that You will loose Your girlfriend - first love, huh? The fact that You think that having her might keep You away from transitioning might indicate that Your gender dysphoria is very minor and You do not need full transition - You just want to explore and enjoy Your feminine side. But only professional might help You to sort this out.. You seem very attached to her emotionally and things are as they are now - maybe they might change in the future, and You would be looking at the prospects of transition with a fresh eye.

[Priestess]

You will need to do some online search or try posting Your approximate location so other might help with advices. Since You are very young, You probably will need Your mother's support - at least financial - to pay for therapy, so that is another thing to be sorted out.
And yes, it is ok to love females, in fact, A LOT of MtF are into females, but this might have an unexpected twist when You start the HRT. Estrogen really has its ways to mess with our brains, so turning bi or straight female is not unheard of. In fact, it happens quite often .
It is also very possible that You will loose Your girlfriend - first love, huh? The fact that You think that having her might keep You away from transitioning might indicate that Your gender dysphoria is very minor and You do not need full transition - You just want to explore and enjoy Your feminine side. But only professional might help You to sort this out.. You seem very attached to her emotionally and things are as they are now - maybe they might change in the future, and You would be looking at the prospects of transition with a fresh eye.

mkay !
i will do the online research c:; seeing i don't want to give out too much information !

well that's good to hear that it isn't uncommon to feel this way but yeah !
your sexual preference changing seems logical o__o .

she isn't my first love but the first real thing x3 .
we've been together a year and 2 months !

i'm not saying she would keep me away from changing because if i can't be myself with a person then it's not meant to be.
it's just i'm very attached and would think she would love me for the person she fell in love with and not appearance but that's more likely to happen in a Disney movie ._., haha.

you're right though .
things change so quickly; far as prospective !!

but yeah, my Mother would definitely have to help me with it and that's a scary part within itself /: .
she always speaks of equality and their is no difference in a human in God's eyes so humans should look upon others with that same glance .
that being said...practicing what you preach isn't as easy at it may seem when it confronts you head on ... so that's why the rational side of my hopes of her support is worrisome :C

[Sammy]

Speaking about parents... You actually never know how this might turn out. It is a bit pity that You would have to talk with Your mother first and then the therapist... It would have been better the other way around, but seeing where You stand now and what are Your options without coming out to Your mother... Another thing, of course, is that those feelings started very recently - which actually can and does happen too (not all of us wanted to be girls as of age of 4-5 years - well I did )  - but it might show that You have a milder form of dysphoria. Anyway, as I said, only professional can sort this out. Besides, there is also an opportunity to have online counselling as well, which might be a solution given Your remote whereabouts.
Cheers

[Priestess]

Speaking about parents... You actually never know how this might turn out. It is a bit pity that You would have to talk with Your mother first and then the therapist... It would have been better the other way around, but seeing where You stand now and what are Your options without coming out to Your mother... Another thing, of course, is that those feelings started very recently - which actually can and does happen too (not all of us wanted to be girls as of age of 4-5 years - well I did )  - but it might show that You have a milder form of dysphoria. Anyway, as I said, only professional can sort this out. Besides, there is also an opportunity to have online counselling as well, which might be a solution given Your remote whereabouts.
Cheers

yeahh !
that's i was wondering if it was  phase or sorts x3 .
but even as a young boy, and even my mom tells me about it to this day, i always wanted baby dolls and barbies for presents at events like Christmas and my Birthday x3 .
maybe it's some that had to develop over time?
but you're right .
i need to talk to a professional sometime but it would have to my first and for most :c .
thanks for all the help C: !

[Antonia J]

Gender identity and sexual orientation are two different things, as Emily indicated.  I identify female but have been married to a woman for over 13 years and love her very much.  I have never been attracted to men.  Therapy really would be the best thing at the stage you are at.  A good gender therapist will help you understand if you are transgender, options for addressing it if you are (and there are a lot), and ways to come out to the world around you.

It can be scary, but also liberating.  Do you think you will be supported if you ask to see a gender therapist?

[JessicaH]

Don't expect love to overcome your need to become who you are. Too many of us thought we could suppress who we are when we fell in love but it will either torture you beyond belief or you will destroy her when you transition later, (Statistically, most women do not stay with their spouses when they transition).

You really need to figure out who you are now and understand that the Gender Identity issues will get worse as time goes by. I can assure you, you do not want to realize that you have to transition after being married for 10-20 years and having a couple of kids and a whole life built around a male identity.

I'm glad that you are here and asking questions and starting your research. You are so lucky at your age to be living at a time that so much information is freely available and at your fingertips!  Good luck, Jess

[Priestess]

Gender identity and sexual orientation are two different things, as Emily indicated. I identify female but have been marriedto a woman for over13 years and love her very much. I have never been attractedto men. Therapy really would be the best thing at the stage you are at. A good gender therapist will help you understand if you are transgender, options for addressing it if you are (and there are a lot), and waysto come outto the world around you. It can be scary, but also liberating. Do you think you will be supported if you askto see a gender therapist?

seems like a common theme is the Gender Therapist !
i'll tryto gather the resloveto talkto her about it ._.
it definitely is a scary :c .

i think she would support the therapist part (to help fix what's going on with me before it turns depressive) but i don't think she would accpet the final choice if it wasn't stay male.

she has always been an understanding person but i'm just not sure how she would feel about this..
i did show her the picture itook after telling her about feeling like i should be a female sometimes because of how i feel and my interest but she said:

*snatches the phone from me* "omg..omg.. Jay..that's gay. really?" ..

i replied: "well it's been bothering me and it's something i neededto see for myself..sorry " .

she replied: "wow..it's crazy though. it's like i'm looking at the daughter i never had..you look just like me when i was a younger girl !"

i was silent..

she added: "you know we thought you were goingto be a girl and we were goingto call you Jessica?"

i nodded and smiled.. i had the biggest lump in my throat cause i wantedto bring up if she would accept and help me with being coming female if i wanted .

but that was the end of it cause i was scaredto draw it out any further after the whole "gay" reply :C .
i've dealt with being called "gay" cause of my choice of hobbies and friend choices but to hear my Mother say that made my heart sink ._. ...
you don't expect such remarks from matured people; especially your parent, ya knoe?

[Priestess]

Don't expect love to overcome your need to become who you are. Too many of us thought we could suppress who we are when we fell in love but it will either torture you beyond belief or you will destroy her when you transition later, (Statistically, most women do not stay with their spouses when they transition).

You really need to figure out who you are now and understand that the Gender Identity issues will get worse as time goes by. I can assure you, you do not want to realize that you have to transition after being married for 10-20 years and having a couple of kids and a whole life built around a male identity.

I'm glad that you are here and asking questions and starting your research. You are so lucky at your age to be living at a time that so much information is freely available and at your fingertips!  Good luck, Jess

you're right about not waiting too long and hoping love can fix it all .
i knoe people always say you have to love yourself for anyone else to truely love you .

i wouldn't want to ever hurt her so that's why i'm actually open with her about the whole situation .
i was so surpised she was very understanding but going through with the full process would probably be the breaking point :c .

i'm very lucky this is the information age c: .
i'm also lucky to have such kind people to help me here .

thank you and everyone who has replied so far..
it's comforting to know i'm not judged here ♥ .

[Sammy]

That actually sounded like Your mother wont have a very hard time accepting that... Mentally, she already had this image... It will be hard for her, but perhaps not THAT hard and eventually she will accept You as her daughther. A matter of time, tears and understanding

[Priestess]

That actually sounded like Your mother wont have a very hard time accepting that... Mentally, she already had this image... It will be hard for her, but perhaps not THAT hard and eventually she will accept You as her daughther. A matter of time, tears and understanding

thanks for the positive outlook you guise have given me !
the end result of all your guise help was to actually open up to my Mother about the situation last night...

she was staying with her Boyfriend but knew if i didn't do it now that i wouldn't ever get the guts to do it again !

but before i get to that, i talked to my Girlfriend about staying with me if i go through this process of becoming a female and the summary of it all was yes, she would because she loves me for me, my being and personality ♥♥; not what i look like ♥ .
it made feel SOOOOO much more confident about actually bring it up to my Mom .

so she ends up leaving her BF's house to come talk to me face to face because that's how i wanted it to be done .
at first, i really didn't know how to go about bring it up but i finally got the nerve and made sure she understood that this was serious because i wouldn't bring it up to you if it wasn't and it's stressing me out to the point of depression/feeling sickly at times .

that kind of opened her mind it seemed so i cont. to tell her the how i felt and what makes me feel this way.

she ending up asking how could i actually fix that and i told her hormones (HRT) .

her initial reaction was no, no, no .
it's one thing to feel that way but you can't change your sex or your apperance because of it .
God made you the way you are because you're suppose to be that way ...

i told her but you don't understand how much it actually bothers me and that i'm not comfortable with the body i'm in .
i told her how it makes not want to be social because i'm not comfortable being myself in public .
that i also get nausea from just going to school, shopping or being around large groups of people; sometimes just people in general ..

she started understanding the more and more we talked cause how serious i was along with all the information i had gathered to share with her about the whole thing; not including the heaving cry feast i as having :C

she actually agreed to help me with this if it's bothering me this bad but she wish i would of told her this sooner .
the only obstacle now is actually coming up for the money to go through the hormones, doctors visits, eventually sex change surgery, laser hair removal if the hairs are still too noticeable etc.

she said it could range in the thousands or above, most likely, and i was like i knoe...
that's why i came to you for help cause there's no way i can do this on my own ..

she said will the bills she already has from Dad leaving us the way he did it's hard enough on me as it is.
my Mother does receive a bonus every three months that consist of 1-3k dollars depending how good her company does !
but sadly, we have to keep most if not all that saved for emerg. since she is supporting us on her own :C .

her boyfriend she has been with for awhile may help because he seems to really love my Mom and like me as a person .
he came over to help us cut grass today and i went out to talk to him, being polite and had the biggest urge to ask or at least bring it up to him, like setting up payments (cause he owns his own company and could definitely afford it, at least it think) but we just chatted for about 15-20 minutes instead after he cut grass, i gave him some water and hug x3 ....

it was just hard to talk to a Man about something like that for me..idk why :C .

but i'm actually glad my Mother would help me if she could, it meant a bunch and my heart was over joyed c: .

now to address the problems, how much would everything cost that needed be done ;o ?
i know many of you are still transitioning into a female but i know at some point someone has had to get an estimated cost of everything that needs to be done or at least the major things ;o .

this would help a bunch thanks for all the help so far ♥ .

[Priestess]

Glad to hear it went well with Mom.  The costs are variable for everyone as it depends on where you live, which drugs you are prescribed, which doctors you go to, how much therapy is required, what surgeries you feel you need, and of course how much of all of that if any is covered by health insurance if you have any.  Many people feel they need SRS in the beginning but through therapy and the changes that hormones give them, they change their minds whether its because of the costs or the risks involved or what else.  Many people feel the need for extensive facial or cosmetic surgeries.  Many don't.  These differences can mean the costs can be anywhere from $0 to hundreds of thousands of dollars.  Its best to take it one step at a time and just start with therapy.

thanks for the amazing reply and i'm glad it went well too c: .
i actually researched a little while waiting for a reply and oh my goodness, you're right !
when it comes to like facial SRS etc can get the prices really to sky rocket ._. ..

what i think i would need at least the first year of transitioning is the Hormones ofc and laser hair removal !
i have a pretty fem. face to begin with and my adam's apple doesn't really show but with my facial hair is starting to grow in and everything, that would start to be the give away.

the hormones that i researched in my area seem to range from 50-60 for injectables and 75-90 for the pill o; .
i would consult a doctor, well because we have to anyway and ask what they think would be best for me but for the sake of being cost efficient, i chose the injectables along with the estimated amount of money i would need to get laser hair removal on my Face, Neck, Arms, Chest and Stomach .

the injections a year would be around 725 dollars and all the hair removal would add up to about 3.2 k ._.
i can't believe you need more than one treatment to go make the hair go away completely :C .

so the sum is coming up to about 4.3k and i think we have a loan company that could help us with that .
taking out a loan and setting up payments with them if my Moms BF couldn't help us or doesn't want too.. which i don't really expect him to but it's a nice thought x3 .

with that all being said, would i need the hair removal or would the therapy make my hair stop growing and i can shave a few times to see it's gone?

[Sammy]

Well, I kind of remember Your picture and I think You will not need FFS, at least not in the moment. If You can start anti-androgens or puberty blockers now, perhaps You wont have a lot of facial hair, if any...
Since You are young, You should be fine with pills and thus save on injections, but that is up for the doc to decide - just an info for Your consideration. Besides, pills should be cheaper than injections, unless I am mistaken.
Funny, but for me the whole HRT deal does not cost more than 40-60 USD per month, but I got anti-androgens on the basis of state refunded programme, so the most expensive part is estrogen and progesterone. But I am not in the USA anyway.
You can try doing home laser removal at this stage too - it costs around 500 USD and will last for several years (at least).
And Your SRS most probably is years away, so dont worry at this stage about those costs .
In my opinion, if You can manage to do some things on budged, then the whole process becomes a lot less expensive

[Priestess]

Well, I kind of remember Your picture and I think You will not need FFS, at least not in the moment. If You can start anti-androgens or puberty blockers now, perhaps You wont have a lot of facial hair, if any...
Since You are young, You should be fine with pills and thus save on injections, but that is up for the doc to decide - just an info for Your consideration. Besides, pills should be cheaper than injections, unless I am mistaken.
Funny, but for me the whole HRT deal does not cost more than 40-60 USD per month, but I got anti-androgens on the basis of state refunded programme, so the most expensive part is estrogen and progesterone. But I am not in the USA anyway.
You can try doing home laser removal at this stage too - it costs around 500 USD and will last for several years (at least).
And Your SRS most probably is years away, so dont worry at this stage about those costs .
In my opinion, if You can manage to do some things on budged, then the whole process becomes a lot less expensive

yeahh for some reason my pictures were taken down but not by me but oh well x3 .
so i actually came across anti-androgens and wasn't really sure what they were besides they could stop hair growth but awesome to know they're puberty blockers c: .

i can actually grow a beard sadly if i don't keep on top of my shaving but would the anti-androgens actually help ?
far as pills being cheaper than the injections, i thought that too but i may of read something wrong somewhere x3 .
40-60 a month would be really do able i just need to see a doctor !

so far as a doctor, what kind of doctor specializes in HRT? is it and endocrinologist and does any of them do it or is it certain ones o.o ?

the hair removal at home can be done with a machine you buy to do it yourself ?

manage to do things on budged means far as budget or something else x3?
i'm sorry i'm not as good with the terminology :c .

[Sammy]

I am not a medic, but I think puberty blockers and anti-androgens are different things. Well, puberty blockers for sure should be AA, but maybe not the other way around. I am not sure. But AA will slow down the hair regrowth VERY significantly.
I have no idea about Your particular trans-health care system, but usually You need some kind of medical professional, who will conduct the initial examination and conclude whether You are trans or not - that might be psychiatrist, psychoterapist (ideally gender therapist, but those are not always around). Sometimes General Practitioner, but they are kinda wary about those things. Then they should refer You to endocrinologist who will need Your blood test to be done – to see that everything is fine with Your health and prescribe You the medications. Even here there are several approaches and drugs used by different kind of endos. Usually, going straight to endo wont help, because they need some sort of verification about Your trans status – I dunno if informed consent system ( it means getting prescription against Your written signature that You are OK with the consequences and know possible outcomes) would work if You are a minor person...
The home laser hair removal system I referred to is called Tria 4x – You can google it, and we have several articles here dedicated to feedbacks, reviews and advices.  Yes, it works at home whenever You have spare time, but You need to be careful and not overdo it, because that thing can cause serious burns if mishandled.
Hope this helps

Ah yeah, doing things on budget, means that You consider various approaches and alternatives, shop around and go for the most affordable solutions, instead of spending a lot of money and maybe getting results faster - maybe

[Priestess]

I am not a medic, but I think puberty blockers and anti-androgens are different things. Well, puberty blockers for sure should be AA, but maybe not the other way around. I am not sure. But AA will slow down the hair regrowth VERY significantly.
I have no idea about Your particular trans-health care system, but usually You need some kind of medical professional, who will conduct the initial examination and conclude whether You are trans or not - that might be psychiatrist, psychoterapist (ideally gender therapist, but those are not always around). Sometimes General Practitioner, but they are kinda wary about those things. Then they should refer You to endocrinologist who will need Your blood test to be done – to see that everything is fine with Your health and prescribe You the medications. Even here there are several approaches and drugs used by different kind of endos. Usually, going straight to endo wont help, because they need some sort of verification about Your trans status – I dunno if informed consent system ( it means getting prescription against Your written signature that You are OK with the consequences and know possible outcomes) would work if You are a minor person...
The home laser hair removal system I referred to is called Tria 4x – You can google it, and we have several articles here dedicated to feedbacks, reviews and advices.  Yes, it works at home whenever You have spare time, but You need to be careful and not overdo it, because that thing can cause serious burns if mishandled.
Hope this helps

Ah yeah, doing things on budget, means that You consider various approaches and alternatives, shop around and go for the most affordable solutions, instead of spending a lot of money and maybe getting results faster - maybe

woooow.
i didn't know you had to go to a therapist first ;o?
i think a person knows if they want to do something like this if they are going out there way to seek help .

it seems silly but i guess it has it's purpose and has to be done regardless  ._. ..
do you only have to have on therapist appointment or do you have to go to multiple ?
you have to be dia with being trans o__o?
i would of never guessed that o; .

it's a good thing i have you guise, rofl !
how much does a thp session usually cost ?

and awesome to know AA slows down the growing process c: .

you have been so helpful T~T .

[Priestess]

Again, all this depends on location and doctor.  Some places will prescribe the hormones with a screening assessment and health check-up.  Others require a letter from a therapist (again the time to get the letter from the therapist depends on the therapist and the patient) 

Therapy costs also vary.  Usually between $75-180/hr.

i hope it's the not needing a therapist process >~< .
you have been very helpful too!
thanks so much Casey :3 .

also, do you know the range of the price for the Anti-androgen? o;