Having a talk with the parents tomorrow

[Jen♀]

So my mom told me tonight that my dad will be coming over tomorrow night so that they can both talk to me about how I feel. As of now they know that I feel transgender feelings, but beyond that they don't know much. They don't know for how long (although I did tell my mom I can remember things from childhood; that's basically all I said), or how I feel, or what I want to do about my feelings... Basically all the details about MY personal feelings and my history with it. I'm kind of nervous for it... My mom said something like "we have the right to know", which I would agree they do...to a degree. Is it wrong for me to omit things? Or tell them if I don't want to answer something?

And on the other hand, should I try to simply be completely honest? I mean... They are supportive for sure. My mom cries when the conversation regarding it gets deep, and they're both scared, but they are supportive.

[TerriT]

I'm sure you'll be just fine. Try not to plan out your conversation ahead of time or try to have quick answers to anything they might ask. I think though that it's not the last conversation you're going to have with them.

[suzifrommd]

My mom said something like "we have the right to know", which I would agree they do...to a degree. Is it wrong for me to omit things? Or tell them if I don't want to answer something?

And on the other hand, should I try to simply be completely honest? I mean... They are supportive for sure. My mom cries when the conversation regarding it gets deep, and they're both scared, but they are supportive.

Mwandishi, I'm assuming you are grown. A whole different dynamic exists if they are still your guardians.

Here are my thoughts:

* No other human being has a "right" to know your feelings. Your feelings are yours to keep to yourself or share based on what you think is good for you.

* Anyone who demands they have a right to know something about your feelings, or cries/begs/threatens/pouts when you set personal boundaries, are not respecting your boundaries. Parent or no, they are being rude. You have a right to set your boundaries wherever you think they should be.

* People whose parents don't respect their boundaries often have trouble setting healthy boundaries because they lack strong role modeling in this area. (Trust me. I know of what I speak  ) If this is true of you, you'll need to be extra aware of lack of respect for your boundaries and take extra care that you do not bow to the pressure.

Good luck. I hope this helps.

[mrs izzy]

I am a parent and i kinda see where they are coming from but need to ask and not demand. I have the same understanding of life, no one has the right to force there views on anyone and the same goes for you. They either will accept or go into denial.

here is just a few paragraphs i had in my friends and family letter maybe these can help? Keep things simple, remember we have a hard time understand it all and we live it day in and day out so to not think they will ever fully understand. Best you can wish is to respect you for who you always been.

Izzy

from my f/f letter and a fyi there is no answers to the why.
I understand that this is probably shocking to many of you (to say the least). As I have tried to explain before, it has taken a lot of introspection for me to get to this point (it may help to look back and re-read this from the beginning now that you know what "it" is). This is not a phase, I am not delusional, "it" cannot be "fixed" and "it" will never go away. Maybe there is a higher reason I have been given these challenges and I haven't yet gotten to the answer to the why. I can't spend all my life asking the question why or why me, or even what did I do to deserve this. I might never get the answer till I transition into the next chapter of my life? There will be many changes in my life in the near future and it will probably be awkward for some of you to adjust as these changes occur. Realize that I will still be the same person you have always known, except I will be much happier and able to pursue other goals in my life without having this to worry about. I will still have the past experiences and pursue many of the same interests. This has always been a part of me and although there may be some seemingly drastic changes, I will not suddenly become a different person. The person that you have known has been transsexual all along... the only real difference is that now you know and hopefully know me better. This is not a new or sudden development for me, the internal changes have all happened a long time ago... now I am making the outside a little prettier, to match.

Some of you might find it hard to understand or accept such a thing. I don't know that there is much that I could say that would help. It is certainly not my intention to live as a "freak" or to bring any kind of stigma to my family or friends. Most transsexuals just want to blend in and for the most part, so do I, though I do not intend to be dishonest with my past with those that have a need to know. I feel that it is only the general ignorance of society that sees this as a bad thing. To me, it is simply the way I was born and I am trying to make the best of the situation. Please do not believe the nonsense that you may have seen on television talk shows (Jerry Springer). They care little about giving any real information: they are interested in ratings (through shocking and outrageous stories) and do nothing to accurately portray anyone I know, transsexual or otherwise. Fortunately, more and more transgendered people are being honest about their lives. It is becoming more common to see documentaries, news reports and even movies with fair and accurate information about transgender people. I should also note that transsexualism is by no means a new phenomenon. There are many ancient cultures (most notably Native American and Hindu) that have recognized transgendered people for a long time and even honored them as shamans and spiritual leaders.

[Jen♀]

Try not to plan out your conversation ahead of time or try to have quick answers to anything they might ask.

I usually don't plan ahead, which I've found DOES make the conversation go kind of better. So thats pretty good advice, thank you

Mwandishi, I'm assuming you are grown. A whole different dynamic exists if they are still your guardians.

I am not grown; I still live at home with my mom, and am not out of high school yet. You feel like this changes things?

Realize that I will still be the same person you have always known, except I will be much happier and able to pursue other goals in my life without having this to worry about. I will still have the past experiences and pursue many of the same interests. This has always been a part of me and although there may be some seemingly drastic changes, I will not suddenly become a different person. The person that you have known has been transsexual all along... the only real difference is that now you know and hopefully know me better.

This is something I told them when I first came out to them, and I think it's really important for them to get. Actually, I had an appointment with a doctor (not a therapist technically) who is in transgender care. My dad even said to her at one point "I mean, he's still the same kid" and that made me feel really happy. So I'll be sure that after everything we may talk about, I'll try to make this clear to them and by the way, thanks for the input from the parent's p.o.v., that helped too!

[suzifrommd]

I usually don't plan ahead, which I've found DOES make the conversation go kind I am not grown; I still live at home with my mom, and am not out of high school yet. You feel like this changes things?

It changes things in two ways. First, you are dependent on your parents, so their wishes need to be accommodated because you want them to cooperate with your plans. Second, they are theoretically there to look out for you since they have more experience than you in making decisions.

Of course it doesn't change who you are and what you need to do to live a genuine life. It also doesn't change the fact that you are entitled to set boundaries and that they do not have a right to know your feelings (though I suppose that as your guardians, the have I right to know what you're going to do).

So you still do have a right to hold back feelings from them. Just do it diplomatically so it doesn't sound like an absolute refusal.