Coping Techniques for Early Exploration

[airamyb]

Hi,

One of the things I've noticed early-on is I feel like spending the entire day in feminine presentation where I have to be male (pretty much everywhere at the moment), but I find it kind of overwhelming at times. I am still very much in the closet, and will be until I have a better idea of where I'm going and gain more confidence in my presentation.

In the early phases, what sort of techniques did you use to control your discomfort while crafting/integrating your gender evolution into your life?

Love all,

Amy

[Beth Andrea]

I did things that others either didn't see, or wouldn't notice.

Wear girl underwear, girl socks, clear nail polish, and (if you haven't already) growing out your hair (mine was always a short "buzz" cut, no one really noticed it getting longer until it touched my collar, about a year after starting).

I also started using girly deodorant a couple/three months in. And finally, shaving and/or waxing my body hair (including arms and legs)...no one noticed that, even with short sleeve shirts on.

The first significant "public" clothes I wore were blue jean capris and women's summer sandals. People didn't notice them, but they did notice my metallic red toenails. (by then, I didn't care what they saw on me; it made me happy, so there! Nyah nyah!!  )

[Emily Aster]

I've basically done the same things that Beth has done. You may think that people would be able to tell with women's deodorant because of the fragrance, but I've even worn it around very anti-trans people like my father and nobody has ever said a word. I think they just assume it's what my shampoo smells like.

I personally would be cautious on the clear nail polish depending on your career field. Mine is full of extremely detail oriented people. When I tried the clear nail polish thing, every person I met throughout the day questioned me about it within seconds of seeing me. And the questions weren't "what's that?" The questions were "Why are you wearing nail polish?" I made up some story about how it would prevent me from biting my nails, but after that day, I never tried it again.

I'm still not at the point where I feel comfortable wearing capris, but I have ventured into more colorful clothing. I started with men's t-shirts that were more vibrant colors like turquoise, coral, and salmon and wore women's straight leg jeans with them. I stuck with my regular sneakers. That's actually what I still wear though and I find it feels more feminine to me anyway. The women's jeans seem to make me look thinner, I think because the fabric runs vertical instead of horizontal. The men's t-shirts cover up my tattoos, not to mention they cost about $20 less than the women's ones. Women's t-shirts that are normal length sleeves are really hard to find. Most of them flair out at the shoulders. And when I looked up the women's version of my shoes, they looked the same. I at least know my shoe size in men's. And even in women's jeans, people really don't notice that you're wearing women's jeans. All they see is jeans and a t-shirt.

[Yuki-jker86]

I painted my toenails and I am thinking about wearing a bracelet.
I'd wear women's knickers but I have too much 'material' to tuck effectively.

[Jess42]

The way I coped was pretty much the same as the way Beth started. Grew my hair out long, started shaving my legs, pierced the other ear and plucked the eyebrows a little at a time until they were more feminine. Do little things at a time and most people won't even notice.

[suzifrommd]

In the early phases, what sort of techniques did you use to control your discomfort while crafting/integrating your gender evolution into your life?

* I made a lot of plans.

* I studied and learned everything I could.

* I blogged my feelings. I still get comments occasionally from older blog entries by people who come upon something that resonates with them.

Hang in there, Amy. It's worth the wait.

[justmeinoz]

Pretty much what Beth Andrea and everyone else has said. Lots of people-watching to get the details of body language and movement down, and a fair bit of critical reading of fashion magazines for background info. Also dressing at home whenever possible.
If I was going to buy any clothing I would have it on a shopping list, and look sort of lost if I was in a Dept store.  If you can find a specialist bra shop they can be a great help.  The ones I dealt with were discreet and used to dealing with cross-dressing and trans clients.

Main thing is, have fun.

Karen.

[Eva Marie]

I'm still in the early exploration phase, but painted toenails and shaving body hair are the big two for me. Blogging my feelings, reading women's magazines, shopping online for women's clothes, and reading trans related websites help too. I've also grown to the point of venturing out as Eva a few times; i'm still getting used to doing that and i've found that it's such a relief to present female that it helps too.

Very early on I tried the clear nail polish thing but my daughter (who misses nothing) wanted to know why my nails were shiny when we were at dinner. I made up some excuse and spent the rest of the evening chipping it off under the table LOL......

[Beth Andrea]

I'm still in the early exploration phase, but painted toenails and shaving body hair are the big two for me. Blogging my feelings, reading women's magazines, shopping online for women's clothes, and reading trans related websites help too. I've also grown to the point of venturing out as Eva a few times; i'm still getting used to doing that and i've found that it's such a relief to present female that it helps too.

Very early on I tried the clear nail polish thing but my daughter (who misses nothing) wanted to know why my nails were shiny when we were at dinner. I made up some excuse and spent the rest of the evening chipping it off under the table LOL......

My first foray into nail polish of any sort was after I mentioned to a fellow worker that my nails seemed to chip and crack easily. She said (this was when I was in "full guy" mode) (....never go Full Guy....Never!)) that they make nail polish that's supposed to make your nails healthy and hard (not brittle, but flexible hard). That's what I actually used, and I was asked about it, too...guilt-free I just explained the chipping problem, and that was that.

What got me off the clear stuff was when I saw the "clear" actually seemed to have a very light, translucent lavender tint to it...and that made me quite happy, at the time I had no idea why (I hadn't yet discovered how "trans" I was yet). Next thing ya know, I have a bottle of Sally Hansen's "Lavender Marquis" and started wearing that to work. Wife freaked out, but I just said, "this makes me happy for some reason, so I'm gonna wear it." (Again, didn't know I was trans yet). At work, I got one or two raised eyebrows, but nothing was said. (I had already pierced both my ears, and by then I was wearing danglies... )

Transition is easier and more fun if one is bold and just grabs the bull(-sh!t) by the horns, "and what of it?" imho

Only when/if you're ready, it takes "balls" to transition publicly.

[Emily Aster]

My first foray into nail polish of any sort was after I mentioned to a fellow worker that my nails seemed to chip and crack easily. She said (this was when I was in "full guy" mode) (....never go Full Guy....Never!)) that they make nail polish that's supposed to make your nails healthy and hard (not brittle, but flexible hard). That's what I actually used, and I was asked about it, too...guilt-free I just explained the chipping problem, and that was that.

What got me off the clear stuff was when I saw the "clear" actually seemed to have a very light, translucent lavender tint to it...and that made me quite happy, at the time I had no idea why (I hadn't yet discovered how "trans" I was yet). Next thing ya know, I have a bottle of Sally Hansen's "Lavender Marquis" and started wearing that to work. Wife freaked out, but I just said, "this makes me happy for some reason, so I'm gonna wear it." (Again, didn't know I was trans yet). At work, I got one or two raised eyebrows, but nothing was said. (I had already pierced both my ears, and by then I was wearing danglies... )

Transition is easier and more fun if one is bold and just grabs the bull(-sh!t) by the horns, "and what of it?" imho

Only when/if you're ready, it takes "balls" to transition publicly.

I love your posts. They always instill so much confidence, something I'm severely lacking in.

[Beth Andrea]

I love your posts. They always instill so much confidence, something I'm severely lacking in.

Aww...thank you! I'm glad they do something for others! "Pay it forward!"

*hugs*

[Emmaline]

Uhg, its hard isnt it!

Waxing and shaving -check -very good
Female deodorant -check
Growing out hair -check
Wigs -check
Toenail painting - check

Dressing as girl in private- big releif from disphoria but not looking in mirror yet.

Girly phone theme -works a bit
Folder of successful MTF pictures on phone -really helps!
Makeup practice- good relief

Voice practice- initially not so much releif but more releif the more I tried- especially combined with imagining positive scenarios you want to experience in the future and saying your dialogue out loud...

Panties/socks under guy gear- not tried

Things I want to try...

Big assed Trans symbol on male t-shirt.

[Lo]

I guess you've got a best case scenario when you grew up something of a tomboy... nobody thought twice when I cut all my hair off, started wandering into the men's department again. I agree about the deodorant thing, though. For some reason, it's really satisfying. I forget how good it feels to put on men's stuff when I can't find it and have to use a backup of women's that someone gave me and am completely repulsed by the smell.

I've been wearing sports bras about half the time, too, so I think I family and friends are getting used to the idea of me having a flatter chest. I bind around them once in a blue moon and no one seems to notice a thing. And the one time someone did, it was to ask if I've been eating because I looked too thin.

[airamyb]

Thank you, these tips are very helpful. I didn't think about the deodorant idea, I'll have to give it try on my off hours plus start practicing voice and make-up. I have been dressing at home when I get the chance, that seems to help the most. Even as I write this I am wearing my favorite blue dress

I buy most of my stuff online (easier to find tall sizes), but haven't had the courage to wear anything outside of panties (why didn't I do that sooner, soooo much better than boxers!!!) beyond the front door. I've got to be mindful about anything external at this point, I am already blessed with a narrow waist and wide hips, so women's jeans really show off my shape. They do fit me better than men's jeans, I must admit.

I think my next step is body hair removal, but I'll cross that bridge when I feel comfortable, and enjoy the journey.

Amy

[Emmaline]

Do post how you are getting on with the early stages - I am feeling a total babytrans right now and appreciate all the tips.

Its interesting to hear deodorant works ftm too! 

[Lo]

I forgot about another very early thing that felt right to do before I even came out-- and that was get a men's band for an engagement ring! (It doubles as a black ace ring, too.) I picked out the actual wedding ring to be so thin and unnoticeable that it doesn't look like I'm even wearing two bands. In fact, I tell my husband quite a lot that I like his band more than mine, and when it comes time to replace it, I want something similiar to his. ;P (We're not interested in ever spending more than $100 on rings, in case you couldn't tell.)

[Emmaline]

Thats cute.

I forgot one that helped... I started replacing my tatty male wardrobe with pristine new andro stuff.  If your like me, your current clothes probably where 'this will do' and poorly maintained because your dysphoria stopped you caring about them.  I felt better making the promise to myself that the old me is going (charity binning old clothes) and the real me takes care of her appearance (fresh androgynous choices).   If she has to be in boy mod for a bit,  okay,  it's a long journey.   I call them my traveling clothes

I am also changing my home environment too.  A few feminine touches around your bedroom can work wonders. Wake up to something that reminds you of the real you.

[Emily Aster]

I am also changing my home environment too.  A few feminine touches around your bedroom can work wonders. Wake up to something that reminds you of the real you.

I started doing that recently too and it really does help.

[Jess42]

It all depends if you are still in the closet and what you can get away with. Underwear is fine but if living at home with parents spouses or not knowing roomies, fullblown female panties may out you. There make guy's bikini underwear that are just like women's bikini panties except for the little 'drip pan' and no one will think twice. They are tight enough to where if you need to hide the bulge they do a good job. This is what I wear unless I feel like a thong and then I go for the women's version. Buy some long tshirts and just sleep in your panties and tshirt. Most of my girl friends, not girlfriends, sleep this way so it is feminine in a slobbish comfortable kind of way. I've tried the nighties deal and you can't beat the panties and tshirt for comfort and feeling femme. But the three biggst things that make me feel more femme than anything else is shaving, shaped brows and long hair. I can appear full blown male dressed in a tux and as long as I have these three things I still feel female.

[airamyb]

I could not agree more about a cotton night shirt and panties, especially during the summer. I've got a couple super comfy ones I wear almost every night, a great way to let myself out after being bottled up all day in fortune 100 land. During the winter I like yoga pants or shorts and a cute feminine T-shirt, but they're also good for lounging. I have a couple of feminine touches to my home, with the items having some sentimental links to my family.

Most of my fem time occurs during the weekend, when I'll moisturize with a feminine body lotion (the smell alone makes me feel girly), wear panties, whatever feels good for the day and luckily I have alot of alone time with no spouse to worry about. I'll try the mens bikini briefs during the work week to take the edge off. I am very careful because I'm still in the closet to my closest friends, family and nervous about telling.

Hugs from Amy for the tips and support