When to push?

[MrJ]

This is a question about parents, and acceptance, and when to push them a little.

I came out to my parents as trans in September 2010. My mom was curious and seemed to accept it. So did my dad, his first response was "I will do whatever I can to help you. Just let me know when you want me to call you *malename*."

But in April 2011, I told them I was starting hormones and all of the sudden my mom seemed concerned and my dad did a complete 180, telling me my mom was upset and that I shouldn't talk to her about it (in reality, my mom may have been a bit upset but was eager to talk about it and seems to want to understand).

I'm not worried about my mom, I'm worried about my dad. Our last conversation was probably around the time I was starting T, so a couple of years ago. At that time, he told me that he didn't think I was "truly transgender" and that he just couldn't get behind it, but he would continue to love me, *girlname*. He then said that it would take time for him to accept this, maybe 6 years, maybe 60. He said he didn't want to have any more conversations about anything transgender, and said "please don't push me."

2 years later, I told him on the phone last week that my name was legally changed (he'd known this was coming for a while). I know that's breaking his rule and talking about trans stuff, but it was the biggest thing that's happened to me since I came out and I wanted to share it with my family. I drop little trans things into phone conversation every few months or so just to keep him aware that I am so much happier now than I was pre-transition, because I want him to see that. I do realize maybe a father learning his "daughter" just changed the name she was given at birth needs some time. When I told him, that pretty much killed our conversation and he handed the phone off to someone else.

At least around me, he doesn't call me *girlname*, I appreciate that he probably realizes I'd dislike that, but he doesn't call me *boyname* either. He just calls me nothing. He tries to avoid pronouns as well, though he did slip and call me "him" once. I don't know if it was an accident or if he was actually trying, but he didn't continue.

I want to send him a letter, kind of a "this is what I've learned about myself from 2 years on hormones, this is how much my self confidence has improved, this is how much I love myself and I want to be able to share this joy with you" letter. But he asked me not to push him. And I love him so much, I don't want to push him if he truly doesn't want to be pushed.

I think I AM going to send my mom a letter, kind of saying the same thing, but also thanking her for being inquisitive and open. And I'll ask her if I should send my dad a letter, because she probably knows better than me how he'd take it.

What do you guys think? Any experiences with parents welcome.

[SaveMeJeebus]

If i was in a similar situation i would push too much. If things didn't then get better, i would give up.

It sounds to me as if you would be better off seeing what your Mum has to say though Tell her your upset?

[MrJ]

I don't know exactly how my mom feels about my transition either, except she actually seemed curious and accepting when I told her my name had changed. Not excited like my friends were, but not completely shut down. She's always talked about trans stuff. She actually helped me pick my middle name. I just don't know how to gauge her acceptance level.

Aargh, I don't know. All my life my parents have said one thing and meant another. I've written my mom an e-mail basically saying thank you for being willing to talk about things, then a couple paragraphs about how much confidence and happiness I've discovered ("What I want to let you know is, that I feel that the decision I made to transition is the best decision I've made in my life. I have a self confidence that I've never had before. I look at myself and see the man I always thought I'd grow up to be, even if I couldn't word it when I was younger. I tried really hard to be a girl back then, and this life now feels almost effortless. I don't have to act. I'm me." is some of it). Then I say thank you for sticking with me through my transition and say that I'd love to write or talk about it, if she's willing.

I haven't sent it yet. If we actually get a good dialogue going over e-mail, I will ask her how to approach my dad.

[SaveMeJeebus]

I don't know exactly how my mom feels about my transition either, except she actually seemed curious and accepting when I told her my name had changed. Not excited like my friends were, but not completely shut down. She's always talked about trans stuff. She actually helped me pick my middle name. I just don't know how to gauge her acceptance level.

Aargh, I don't know. All my life my parents have said one thing and meant another. I've written my mom an e-mail basically saying thank you for being willing to talk about things, then a couple paragraphs about how much confidence and happiness I've discovered ("What I want to let you know is, that I feel that the decision I made to transition is the best decision I've made in my life. I have a self confidence that I've never had before. I look at myself and see the man I always thought I'd grow up to be, even if I couldn't word it when I was younger. I tried really hard to be a girl back then, and this life now feels almost effortless. I don't have to act. I'm me." is some of it). Then I say thank you for sticking with me through my transition and say that I'd love to write or talk about it, if she's willing.

I haven't sent it yet. If we actually get a good dialogue going over e-mail, I will ask her how to approach my dad.

Yeah, you said established how your Mum was. I was agreeing that you should send her the letter, and instead of asking her about if you should said your Dad a letter, mention how upset you are with him. Once he knows you are upset, if he don't try to change, well.... I wouldn't hassle him anymore :/

[Simon]

Maybe a joint letter would suffice instead of doing it separately. Since it is a family unit the separation might seem a little off or like you're attempting to gain their acceptance separately and pit them against each other. I could be wrong of course, I could see how they might think that is off though.

As far as the letters I think what you put here would work great. I wouldn't really put "transgender" as the thing that stands out in it though because that is what makes them uncomfortable. If it was me I would explain how happy I am becoming, how much I love them, and how much I need/want them still as the guiding force in my life but I also need to feel their acceptance. You know, lay it on thick, lol.

I too had to wait a long time to gain acceptance from my mom. In the beginning she wouldn't bend on anything and I regret being so forceful now (I wouldn't recommend anyone else going about it the way I did) I threatened to cut her out of my life if she couldn't use male pronouns. I was lucky that she just said, "Well, if it means THAT much to you then ok". From that moment on she understood how much it meant to me. Sadly my dad died before we could see eye to eye on it. I think if he knew me now he would have come around.

Good luck with your parents. Let us know how it goes.